King's Forza Motorsport 4 Review

It is the last bastion of automotive lust…
-Jeremy Clarkson

Forza 4 does what it was made to do almost flawlessly. After picking up a copy and being amazed at the graphics and physics some people will feel just how damn good of a job Turn 10 Studios did with the newest Forza Motorsport game. “But, oh wise reviewer,” you may ask, “only some people? Not everyone?” The answer is yes. Forza 4 is not for everyone. If lap after lap of precise driving sounds like too much for your patience to handle than stick to Call of Duty.
No, you won’t be able to hold down the throttle and slam other people out of your way as you laugh maniacally. No, you won’t have a red shell to throw at your buddy who is, let’s face it, better than you. Without patience your days as a ninja in training will be numbered and, more importantly, so will your ability to enjoy Forza.
But more about that later, lets talk about how much more beautiful this game is than anything else you own. Seriously, it’s amazing. You’ll see your shiny new Aston Martin One-77 and realize you may actually be turned on by it. The cars are stunning, best shown in the Autovista mode, which allows the player to explore the car, inside and out (although on the track the cars look just as fantastic). No tiny detail on any car gets forgotten, everything is there. Light hits the cars in an incredibly realistic way, just adding to the experience. The game ends up looking a good step above the already beautiful Forza 3 and visually it will not disappoint.
The sounds in the game are also truly fantastic. As you try new cars you’ll begin to notice that every engine has its own unique sound, a feature that really adds so much to the game’s realism. When, after months and months, you get to the point when you can shift solely based off of the sound of the engine you’ll look back and appreciate how fantastic the sound really is. It truly is surprising that the little man living in every Xbox can put up pictures and sounds that make the game feel so exciting. “But almighty reviewer” you say, “I honestly don’t care at all about the graphics or the sound.” Well it’s Mr. Reviewer to you, don’t be rude. And if you don’t think you’ll care at all about the incredible sound and visuals it doesn’t mean you won’t love the racing (although you may not appreciate the game as much).
The racing. Don’t go into this game thinking it’ll be like the old Need for Speed games or Mario Kart. This is a simulation game; Forza is wearing the big-boy pants and for some people this just doesn’t float your boat. As they say, if you can’t handle the heat get out of the kitchen... with the heat being long repetitive laps in this case. Some people will truly love the absolute thrill of hitting a perfect turn, while other people won’t be able to handle the idea of braking at every corner. But if you know you love simulation games you’ll love Forza 4 even more.
The gameplay and physics are fantastic. Forza has outdone itself, everything seems to have been improved and polished so that the game can capture the feeling of racing. To someone who loves the franchise, the racing will be even more exhilarating than Forza 3, to someone new to the series it will be very exciting to feel the speed as you get behind the wheel for the first time. Once again the little details are fantastic; I found things like the sun’s glare and the shake of the car at high speeds to be done in a way that truly feels like real life; tons of little things have made the game much more realistic and therefore more immersive.
16 driver races (the max was 8 in Forza 3) are a huge improvement and one of the best new features (although starts can get a little chaotic online and turn one of a 16 player race will occasionally cause you to throw your controller at the TV in rage). Rivals mode offers a fantastic setup to challenge your inferior friends and mock them for a slow time in a reasonably priced car. The gameplay overall: don’t expect them to have reinvented Forza 3, it does feel very similar, but everything from the steering to the cockpit view have been improved at least slightly and it does feel like a more exhilarating game because of it.
Outside of the racing there are several other great features. The amazing customization and paining of cars is back and once again you’ll see people making almost photo-realistic designs using only the in game system. 99% people won’t have anything close to photo realistic drawings, but making your car personalized is still addictive fun (or you can be immature and draw naked people on your hood, but that’s your call). There are photo and video modes that allow you to capture your greatest moments.
Tuning is back and it allows you to make incredibly precise, realistic adjustments to your car. Changing something like tire pressure by one PSI can make a huge difference on how your car drives. If you can tune well you’ll have a massive advantage online, if not you can do what humans have been doing for centuries, buy someone else’s setup on your car. This can be done through the storefront, where players can make some good in-game cash money by selling designs and tuning setups.
One new addition are car clubs, a way for you to share cars with friends which you can then all race online. This really is great, everyone gets a chance to try a new car out and share the cars they are most proud of.
One of the reasons I personally love Forza is that it really helped spark my interest in cars. I got Forza 2 for free, and other than being a small Top Gear fan I really didn’t know much about cars. Forza and watching Top Gear began to go hand in hand for me after a while and it really made me learn quite a lot about cars and racing. I don’t expect that Forza will do that for everyone, or even most people, but some people may try it and have the same experience.
Forza does a fantastic job of being playable for almost any audience (except old people, they’re hopeless with technology). You can turn on many settings that help you play without taking any fun from the game. As you get better it’s exciting to take off assists, such as tractions control, and see yourself learn to handle it yourself. Intense racing fans will find the game just as challenging as beginners because of this fantastic system (assuming you’re not lame and you actually make it harder as you get better).
A partnership with Top Gear does really seal the deal for fans of the show, and trying to master the hammerhead or speeding through the follow through with your foot down will just make you love the game even more. Overall you must remember that this game is not for everyone; if simulation racing games and lap after lap on one track are boring for you then every race will be a chore. This game requires patience (a lot of patience) and precision. If you love racing games and are already drooling over the hundreds of beautiful cars in the game then this is currently the best game out there for you. Go make the Stig proud.

Because this game does everything it tries to do, I say it gets a 19/20. That doesn’t necessarily mean everyone will like it, but if you are looking for a simulation racing game this is by far the best one out there.

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The History of Dentistry

Faced with the choice of enduring a bad toothache or going to the dentist, we generally tried to ride out the bad tooth.

- Joseph Barbera

            I’d just like to start out by saying that I was inspired to write this essay by the fact that, while I write this, I’ve recently been to the dentist to have my wisdom teeth taken out. That was yesterday. It is now 2:35 AM in the morning and I’m pretty sure you could shoot me in the ass with that tranquilizing shit they give to rhinos and my freaking gums would still keep me awake. Now hey, I don’t hate dentists, no, I’m not a religious man, but I’ve always liked that one line, blame the sin, forgive the sinner, Or something like that (once again, 2:35 in the FUCKING morning). But let’s all just admit it- dentists may, quite possibly be, the most loathsome form of doctor out there. It’s hard to explain, but let’s just compare and contrast shall we: with regular doctors, when you go to see them, whether voluntarily, like for a checkup, or involuntarily, like when you’ve just been stabbed by a homeless junkie because you couldn’t fork over the money so he could get at his crack rock, you’re going to them so that you can hopefully live longer. When you go to the dentist, it’s almost always voluntary, that is to say, I’ve never heard of anybody being emergency airlifted to the nearest dental practice for an extreme toothache.
Apparently Obama's Healthcare plan doesn't cover it.
And when you do go, you’re not going so you can live longer, you’re going because either something hurts, and you just kinda want it to stop, or because the dentist says there’s something wrong, and that’s that. And that’s when you get to the root of the problem- with a real doctor, you’re willing to undergo a serious, painful operation, because you know that it will allow you to live that much longer, and if the doctor fails, then at least you died knowing that the death was inevitable anyway. With a dentist, if you’re not already in an assload of pain, than the invitation of going through an even bigger assload of pain simply because it might help make you feel better, is kind of a shitty deal. Plus, if the dentist should fail in his/her operation, then you get to die knowing that you died because you couldn’t take a bit of a sore ache, like a bitch.
"It just got so hard to eat Doritos though!"
And yet it’s that inherent bitch-dom in all humans that keeps the art of dentistry alive, and admittedly, however much it may suck to feel like this right now, I know that what I’m feeling is sum total of hundreds of years scientific labor to figure out exactly what the fuck is wrong with my mouth (besides the fact that language- wise it’s filthier than a fucking sailor), and how that can be remedied. As Kahlil Gibran puts it, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility” I am 100% certain that he was not talking about dentistry of course; but still, I feel it applies pretty well to the circumstances. And speaking of pain, how about those Egyptians, huh? Because as we all know, while the Egyptians were hardcore badasses that had less fucks to give than they had sand up their individual ass-cracks, they were also extremely classy, and kind of cared about how they looked (hence the very manly mascara, and skirts), so of course they created the medical profession that works around the facial feature people apparently notice the most (according to this brochure I am holding for Invisalign), dentistry.
I don't know, that big red dodgeball over the one dude's head is drawing my eye.
Now remember, I am saying they invented it, but only because they were the first to really record their dental operations, using papyrus scrolls. It would be foolish to say that prehistoric man didn’t take a little time out of the day every now and again to go poking around his mouth, chances are you yourself have done so at least once or twice as well, just as it is quite possible that in all that poking around, with rocks, and sticks (and other things of that incredibly unsafe sort) something that could be considered a dental operation didn’t go on way back when. Also we can totally prove that something considered a dental operation happened way back when, because we live in the 21st century, and Egyptian dentistry happened a looong time after prehistoric man started setting up culture you fool. We’ve actually uncovered evidence that people were allowing their friends to use a stone to drill into their teeth as far back as 9,000 years ago, with some pretty perfectly preserved teeth dating back from 5500 BC proving that such dental practice was going on with live patients.
The Frat Pledge: The only other person to let something like that happen to him in 9,000 years.
Don’t let all these big, smart, intelligent words fool you though, you didn’t have cavemen calmly lying in the doctor’s chair, waiting for the dentist to show himself in, and, with the aid of a nurse, begin the tactful operation, calmly, and smoothly, and peacefully and shit, the whole thing probably looked more like a bunch of guys crowding around another dude, inventing the art of the beat-down, not dentistry. The process theoretically used, is that the dentist would take a sharp pointy flint tip, and then using a kind of bow tool, like they would use to build fires with, would start spinning the flint around, back and forth, drilling it into the teeth- the worst part being that shit like this was done without those chill-pill type drugs the doctors use today. Because of this, the ‘Nurses’ on hand weren’t the, “Here’s you scalpel Mr. Doctor,” type nurses, they were there for the purpose of holding down the patient’s arms and legs, since many patients were known to flail during the experience, as people who are having a sharp stone slowly stabbed into the nerve center of their respective teeth are wont to do.
"Huh. The thing we use to create fire on wood also create pain on people. Interesting."
Not only that, but it is also theorized that the same ancient people who were dumb enough to think dentistry meant jabbing rocks into someone’s mouth, were also the same people dumb enough to do this shit so THEY COULD LOOK GOOD. The idea is, is that cavemen, being so infatuated with shiny beads and such, would try to take the whole beading thing to the next level, by inserting beads into their goddamn teeth, an idea that most likely sprang into their heads because their teeth, already being so shitty, were full of holes, and probably seemed like an inventing place to put beads anyway. Either that or they were hoping to alleviate tooth pain by releasing evil spirits.
Evil spirits like tooth decay, that is.
Y’know, whichever’s crazier (and trust me- shit got crazier). Now I don’t know which side created it, the dentists or the patients, but somewhere along the line, some dude just got fed up, and decided he didn’t really like the idea of having his ailments treated by a guy who didn’t know what was causing them in the first place, and couldn’t explain how the fuck his ‘treatment’ was supposed to help. And so was born the myth of- THE TOOTH WORM. The idea of the tooth worm is this- people’s teeth were full of holes, right? Well, what other animal makes holes? That’s right! Worms! The answer’s so obvious! There’s clearly a species of worm that climbs into your mouth and just burrows right on in, causing all sorts of trouble! And if you’re answer to the first question was anything other than worms, such as moles, or woodpeckers, then maybe you should just stop reading, because clearly you’re too silly to take this seriously. I mean tiny moles burrowing into your teeth? Hah! The very idea… now worms on the other hand, those slimy little bitches get around.
Okay, the worm thing I can buy, but little men mining the inside of my tooth is stretching it a bit.
True, the myth that you swallow like a hundred spiders in your sleep may be complete bullcrap now, but back then, all kinds of spiders and fly and bugs were crawling in people’s mouths, whether they were asleep or awake. The world was dirtier than a hipster’s ironic beard back then. How dirty, you might be asking? Well it was so dirty in fact, that the idea that the place one inhabits is so filthy, that a large number of bugs could periodically waltz in and just horse around in one’s mouth, lasted all around the globe, from when it was thought up in 5000 BC, until the freaking 1300s, when a famous French surgeon said it was totally, without a doubt, true, and the absolute reason as to why we have tooth decay. This theory was apparently good enough for people, and so they continued to go to their local dentist, who kept on with the whole ‘drilling’ thing until the Middle Ages began, when everybody attempting the craft everywhere just threw up their hands and said “Fuck it, I’ll be a farmer.” After that, getting treated for a toothache either meant chugging down some five dollar mystery elixir from a suspicious mustachioed salesman, or just kind of ripping the tooth out completely and rubbing some dirt in the hole.
Because fuck cavities.
Since dentistry was never even considered a medical subject at the time (it was just pulling teeth, you don’t call the tech guy on the phone the next ‘Steve Jobs’ just because he patronizingly knows you’re supposed to unplug the computer and then plug it back in again five minutes later), dentists didn’t even really exist, instead, the capitalistic market took care of everything, with barbers offering to take care of your tooth problem for you right along with your next shave. The market evolved more and more, until you actually just had shops dedicated towards ripping out peoples teeth, and then selling them to other people, as replacements (or, if the buyer was really twisted, jewelry).
For some people they're the same thing.
Now, tell me which is worse- someone taking a sharp stone and drilling holes into your teeth, slowly, and roughly, or someone taking a rudimentary prong-like metal tool, and using it to tear your individual teeth out by their roots- all this, once again, without any help from drugs (they didn’t even have the decency to at least hit you on the head and knock you out). The tool described is called the Pelican, and if it sounds like the product of an insane, unsupervised madman, then you’re not too far away from the truth, as it was invented by Guy de Chauliac, the exact same French boner-part (see what I did there) who thought that worms were living in peoples teeth.
He looks a little something like this.
The tools evolved even more, leading to the creation of the dental key in the 1700’s, which was kind of like that tool people use to open the cork on bottles of champagne, except the cork was your tooth (which would make the champagne your blood…? [I apologize to those readers with a weaker heart, and don’t like to see, let alone hear about blood, but, in my defense, maybe you should just grab your wallet, go down to the store, and pick up a set of balls you pansy]). This kind of shit, which could actually be considered torture by modern standards, finally started to go out the window in the 17- 1800s, when an extremely classy Frenchman showed up, physician Pierre Fauchard, who has been called the father of modern dentistry, due to his numerous contributions to, and overall development of, the oral science we still kind of hate today. He wrote several books on the subject, some of his most famous accomplishments being his introduction of dental fillings to the very short itinerary of possible dental operations, he also figured out that no, there is no such thing as a worm that lives in teeth, and that dental decay is in fact caused by the secret bad-ass, sugar, which while it may seem nice, and sweet, and harmless, actually has the effect of burning through your teeth like hydrochloric acid.
Sweet tooth, bro (Get it?).
While his advancements went far and wide in Europe, they didn’t really carry over so much to England, but, in a way, did have a big impact on America, as his creation of prosthetic teeth is the reason our first President was able to have a set of chompers made of some gnarley (see what I did there AGAIN) wood. Not really, actually the creation of tooth prosthetics just gave old people with bare gums something that could let them actually chew their hotdogs, instead of just dipping them in water and sliding them down the gullet. Dentistry has come a very long way since then, as I myself am proof of (what with my lack of wisdom teeth, and lower braces, and several fillings and whatnot. My mouth is like a patchwork of dental mishaps), but dentistry is still far from perfect, as I, and the bottle of Advil I crushed in less than a week, also prove. But focus on what I said earlier though- about ancient people’s teeth being supremely crappy (along with some of their hair-brained ideas), this fact is important and dare I say it, integral even, to your further education into this marvelous world of oral hygiene. You see, crappy teeth by today’s standards, as compared to way back when, are actually pretty good.
Back then, you wouldn't chew these if you forgot to brush, you'd chew these instead of brushing.
That smoker friend of yours, whose teeth are always yellow, and nasty, would look like a fucking Crest toothpaste advertisement back when living in a mud-hut made you the 1% of your tribe. Those ‘historically accurate’ movies you watch could get everything right, but I promise you, not a single goddamn one of them will get the teeth right, and you know why? Because that would require the movie studio to knock out three or four of Russell Crowe’s teeth, and make the rest look like Swiss cheese, so unless they proposed the possibility to him in a bar, with a corded telephone nearby, I don’t think it’d happen.
It's his eyes! I can't tell if he's angry, or he's going to break out in tears!
The point being, teeth were to our ancestors what social media sites (facebook, twitter, etc.) are to those of us living in a first-world country, a necessary tool for life, but still something that makes us feel shitty every time we use it. But as long as we have dentists there, to make us feel just a little shittier, so we can feel legitimately awesome afterwards, we’ll be alright. Oh, and for those of whom who are wondering why I didn’t give Thanksgiving that big of a hullabaloo as I did Halloween, it’s because:

A: Halloween is an actual fucking Holiday, Thanksgiving is something those assholes who killed all the Native Americans off had like, every other week, and we in the present just reworked to excuse one day of unabashed gluttony- you know what? Cracked says it best right here.

B: A month ago you celebrated a Holiday by stuffing your mouths with chocolate bars, and now you’re celebrating another one by stuffing your mouths with turkey, shit, just be happy this isn’t the History of Weight Watchers you chubby- I MEAN- trim and good looking people who will continue to read my essays and share some with your friends, ha ha ha… please?

Anyway, I’m going back to nursing my aching gums, and appreciating the fact that at least I, unlike my unfortunate Irish ancestors before me, have sweet, soothing (as I like to call it) Oxicotton, to drive those bad times away. Legally. Goodnight folks. 

I think this picture just about sums up my essay perfectly.

Nokey's Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Review

PLEASE READ: This review is not a professional one. It is simply a personal review from the perspective of an average gamer. I did my best to try and review this game un-bias-ly, as I am not a CoD fan. I hope you find this review helpful

Hmmm.... Where do I even start with a game like this? The Call of Duty series has become the greatest selling franchise of all time, breaking sales records with each new release. Millions of people buy these games every year and love it, others despise its own name and hate the game with a burning passion (for good reasons). Call of Duty’s reputation has definitely flip-flopped since the release of Mw2 back in ‘09, and it boils down to this: You either love it, or you hate it. I used to be on the “Cod suckz” bandwagon after the release of mw2 and black ops, but after I did some thinking, I started to fall in between the middle of loving it and hating it. I basically gave up bitching about how bad mw2 and black ops were because I realized that it wasn't accomplishing anything. Activision doesn't care what I think of CoD, and all the people who complain on the Internet about CoD haven’t stopped it from selling millions of copies. So I gave up, and learned to just accept what CoD has become, a re-hashed, yearly, mass consumer product. And you wanna know something else? Mw3 is SOOO much more fun when you get past complaining about it.
But before I start this review, I want to get some things out of the way first.

1) Let me recap how everyone felt about CoD from modern warfare 1 (I’m going to exclude CoD5, simply because I never really played that one)

Call of Duty 4

Simply put, an awesome game. Its multiplayer was unlike anything before. Its constant leveling, unlocking, rewarding, and customizing kept millions of people addicted to it. Its singleplayer offered us an intense campaign with a pretty nice story to go along with it, with some nice twist and turns (the nuke scene, never saw it coming!) and unforgettable moments (Ghillies in the Mist, nuff said).

Modern Warfare 2

1 week after launch: Its cod4....but better.

3 months after launch: Everybody realizes how horribly unbalanced and exploitable the game is, and how it rewarded unfair play styles

And yet, it’s breaking sales records everywhere and has became extremely popular

The campaign was over the top (which was why it was fun), but the story made no sense

Black Ops

The idea for the premise behind it sounded cool. Being a secret agent during the cold war sounded (at least to me) really fun. I began to think that maybe the CoD series would be saved, and this new game would be a more balanced out version of Mw2.

After 1 month of launch: I was expecting shit to change....I was wrong. Eh, at least the campaign and zombies were fun.

But to be fair though, I really liked how black ops let people make there own callsigns (even if most people would just make penises).

2) What were you expecting?
A lot of people out there whine and moan and say that Mw3 is some “60 dollar map pack” that lacks innovation, and is the “same game with a new skin.” UH, DDDDDDDUUUUUUHHHHHHH. I thought after Mw2 and black ops, people would realize that this is what CoD has become.
So as you can see, the reason why the CoD series has gained so much hate is because its a re-hashed series, lacking anything very new. And yet it is still the most popular and successful franchise out there. People out there continue to buy these lazy, re-hashed products. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM??? Don’t they realize that they’re buying the same game that came out 2 years ago??? So why are people buying these games? Well, it’s simple. It’s because there is fun to be had in there.
Now, let’s start the review. The topics I will cover are the topics I believe to be the most important for this game

User Interface
The first thing you will see when you start Mw3 is the menu. It uses the same menu system Mw2 had, and this is both a positive, and a negative. It’s a positive because this menu system works well, its easy to get to the campaign, spec ops, or multiplayer. It’s a negative because, like I said before, it’s pulled (literally) from Mw2. This is where some of the “lack of innovation” insults come from. The UI interface is the pulled straight from Mw2, so when you first start up Mw3, you are going to have a feeling of “been there, done that” just by looking at the screen. Personally, this really didn't bother me that much. It’s a smart move because this UI interface works well, but at the same time, it’s an incredibly lazy move, and makes the game look exactly like Mw2. At least black ops’ menu and UI tried to be different than Mw2’s.....

This is another topic that many “lack of innovation” comments come from. While the graphics for Mw3 do look pretty similar to Mw2’s and black ops......it is different in some minor areas. First off, the lighting in the game has improved. Second, there is a tad bit more attention to detail into the environments and character models. And Third, the animations for running have changed (but these are minor changes). The graphics have only improved slightly, and while Mw3 is running on the same engine from past Cod games, it still looks great. I really don't understand why people say Mw3 looks horrible just because it looks like Mw2. While I hated Mw2, I still admired it’s slick graphics. Mw3 graphics aren't the best, but they’re far from “horrible.” Plus, 60 frames per second, nuff said.

Sound effects are something that I never really pay attention to in CoD games. In the multiplayer, the guns don't sound SUPER MEGA AWESOME REALISTIC like in games such as Battlefield 3, but they don't sound like cheap airsoft guns either. They’re just kinda “meh.” However, in the campaign, the sound does a very good job of immersing the player into a war zone. Another thing about Mw3’s sound is the soundtrack that goes with it. Brian Tyler did a fantastic job with Mw3’s score. The music for the Modern warfare games always makes me care about the characters, even if I'm not emotionally invested in them.

The Call of Duty campaigns are always fun. In the more recent CoD games, the developers have favored more over-the-top set pieces and heavily scripted stealth missions than the story, which in my opinion, isn't such a bad thing. Moments like storming a Somalian compound filled with bad guys, then controlling the turret on a helicopter and blasting baddies on rooftops, then climbing on top of a building, holding back waves of more baddies while waiting for extract by helicopter, only to have the helicopter shot down and then jumping of the rooftop, and then venturing into a sand storm to find the crashed helicopter, and then driving off like a bad ass makes these campaigns fun to play. Or other moments like sneaking behind enemy lines at night are really fun too. As for the story, I found it much easier to follow than Mw2’s story. It’s still pretty ridiculous, but it;s more enjoyable. The only annoying things about the campaign are the infinite respawning waves of enemies and sometimes dull AI.

Spec Ops
This will be a short topic. I wasn't really a huge fan of Spec ops in Mw2. I didn’t hate it; I just didn't really think it was that fun. The spec ops mode in Mw3 is fairly similar to Mw2’s spec ops, except mw3 added a new survival mode. Similar to Gears of War’s horde mode, 2 players face increasingly difficult waves of enemies, for each wave completed, the players receive points that they can spend on upgrading weapons, re-stashing grenades, buying air strikes, etc. This isn't an entirely new idea, but its nice addition to the game. Another thing the developers added was matchmaking support, which is a welcome change.

Here we are at last...the multiplayer. The multiplayer in CoD games has always been the major selling point; some people don’t even bother with the campaign or spec ops, and instead just go straight to it. But what is about it that makes it so addictive? Well, like I said in the beginning, it’s the constant leveling, unlocking, rewarding, and customizing that make it fun. CoD has an arcade-ish feel to it, it’s nice and face-paced, relying more on one’s reflexes. It’s a game where everyone goes the “lone wolf” style, focusing more on their own performance than the entire team’s performance. This feel/style of the game is something that it wants to achieves, and it does a very good job at it. The formula for the multiplayer is pretty similar to the other CoD games, which is good, cause this formula works and can be fun at times. However, Mw3 has a few very welcome additions to it.

Strike Packages: Strike Packages are Mw3’s version of killstreaks. There are three types of Strike packages: Assault, Support, and Specialist.

Assault: Pretty much the same kill streaks from Mw2. You can customize them with a couple of new killstreaks, but if you die, you have to restart from 0. This mostly for the skilled, high K/D players

Support: Similar to assault, except when you die, you don't restart from 0. Your streak remains the same and will continue to rack up as you get more kills/captures. This is great for people (like myself) who aren’t very good at CoD. The types of kill streaks for the Support class are not the same as the ones for the Assault class. With the Support class, you get things such ballistic vests to give to your teammates, you can also get a recon drone and get a birds eye view of the map, and tag enemy players for your teammates. Over all, the Support class adds a little bit of teamwork into Mw3.

Specialist: Similar to the Assault class, except for every certain amount of kill you get without dying, you are rewarded with extra perks. I haven’t spent a lot of time with this class, so I'm not really sure how it could turn the tide of a match.

These new additions make Mw3 way way WAY more accessible for newbie players, and other players who just aren't very good. As far as other changes in the multiplayer goes, the unlock system has been changed a little bit, with weapons now having specific levels to them. Over all, Mw3’s multiplayer is much more balanced and rewarding than Mw2’s. The only issues I can think of right now would be the spawning, maps, occasional lag, and the Type 95.

Final Score
Mw3 is much more enjoyable than previous CoD games. Is it the best CoD games ever? That’s something that's up to you to decide. My final score for Mw3 is:

7/10 - Above average

In some points of the game, its a little to similar to previous CoD titles, but that still doesn't change the fact that there is fun to be had here. I think people need to realize that there is nothing wrong with yearly mass-consumer products. There are video games that are meant to change the industry, that take 5 years to make, and there are games that are meant to come out every year to entertain us so we don’t go insane waiting five years for a new video game. The gameplay and controls are tight, responsive, and work well. I don’t think that Mw3 is something that you should rush out and buy, but instead wait till it goes on sale, or ask for it for Christmas. You don’t have to be a CoD fan to like constantly rewarding, fast paced, arcadey multiplayer. But if you do, then you’ll like this.


Misfits Episodes 3 & 4 Review

I’ve just been fighting the fucking Nazis AND kicking the shit out of Hitler.

- Kelly


            Yea, so, in other news, awesome shit continues to be awesome. Episode three shows off some more of ‘Super-Hoodie,’ and adds a little controversy to the mix. Bit crazy, bit controversial, but still a very decent episode by Misfits standards, and a very choice episode indeed by general TV standards. Next, episode four, you’ve got the episode that honestly serves as payoff to anybody who’s kept up with the show until now, and might be one of the greatest episodes of TV I’ve seen in a while AND this is coming off of just watching the entirety of Firefly just last week. Remember that episode of Doctor Who this year where they travel back to Nazi times? Remember this:

Click *here* for AWESOME

Now just put the Misfits in there, add a little alternate timeline mumbojumbo, and BAM you’ve got episode four. If you haven’t watched it already well… shit I’m grinning just thinking about how much you’re going to love it. Classy, all around, and enjoy.
Watch them with me, here:

Beavis and Butthead- Episode 5

Yeah… teen obesity kicks ass.

- Butt-Head


            Oh MTV… you’ve fallen so far… but with this show, you’ve made the first step on the long road to recovery. I’m not sure about the future of our world, what with Occupy Wallstreet, revolutions all over the world, and y’know, AIDS, but I feel like the simple fact that this show is back on the air instantly makes the future look one million times more optimistic. And to anybody who wants to call this show stupid, or dumb, YOU MADE THE JERSEY SHORE POPULAR, so I don’t really care what opinions you might have. But back to reviewing the episode- In this neat little set of storylines we get to follow that dynamic duo Beavis and Butthead as they try to, ahem, ‘get fat and stuff, so they can score hot chicks.’ We also follow them as they continue to fuck with the fast-food system, by abusing their bathroom breaks, so they can get paid to sit on the can. It’s like these two LIVE the American Dream really, and to top it all off, they rip on the Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant in-between jokes. Seriously, if you have not been watching this new season of Beavis and Butthead, then get your head out of your pretentious ass, and DVR that shit. Don’t actually try to watch it live though- it’s an unproven fact that even watching the promos for MTV shows murders brain cells, and do you really want to risk that? A very high Classy from me, keep it up Mr. Judge.

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Review

"It doesn't take the most powerful nations on Earth to create the next global conflict. Just the will of a single man."

-Vladimir Makarov


Here’s a short haiku I was inspired to write about Call of Duty MW3:

This story is dumb

Multiplayer is dumb-er

I keep getting shot


Yea, that about sums up my Call of Duty experience folks. In campaign mode you just shoot, in multiplayer mode you just shoot and get shot, and the whole thing just plays like the last game. Buy it so you can play with your friends or whatever (I mean, why, when there’s, y’know, fucking Halo), just don’t bitch to me that I didn’t give you as fair and honest a review as I could. I’m so tired of money grabbing shit like this. It gets a Trashy, and should be happy it got that much from me.

Skyrim Review

 “But... there is one they fear. In their tongue... he is 'Dovahkiin' - Dragonborn!”



Okay, y’all are lucky I had to have my wisdom teeth forcibly ripped out of my mouth, and for such reason am bedridden, else this little review might not have even gotten done. Now, for those of whom who haven’t played Skyrim and are reading this, get the FUCK UP OFF YOUR LAZY ARSE, AND GO PICK UP MOTHERFUCKING SKYRIM. And don’t whine to me about how much money it costs, or how much time it takes to play, you’ll be thanking me after you’ve personally raped your first dragon. And for those of you who have played Skyrim, I know that the only reason you’re even reading this right now is either to be nice, and toss a little charitable reading my way, or because you’re like all those douche-bags on r/atheism who just love to hear someone else agree with them on the obvious. And who am I to deny you that? Really though, I’m kind of compelled to write this simply because I myself need to put to words just how awesome this game is, if only because it’s actually physically hard to keep this exuberant love I hold for this game in my heart, down. I mean, there’s just so much to DO. I’m not talking about just multi-tasking, I’m talking about tasks upon tasks upon TASKS are what you’ve got to look forward to here, and you’re gonna wanna do each and every damn one of them! Not to mention the fact that besides having your quests being interrupted by more quests, you’ll also have your quests interrupted by periodic smithing, fighting off bandits, oh yea, and the occasional DRAGON. They’re actually ALL OVER THE PLACE in this game, and if my constant use of caps lock hasn’t gotten the message across to you yet, they’re awesome. After taking down you’re first dragon, you’re going to feel awesome- you’re second equally awesome. But when you finally take down you’re third dragon, by yourself, out of nowhere- you’ll know that you were personally born to be the essence of all that is hardcore and fucking metal in the world. I’m only at level 15, and allow me to just say now, if this game does not literally knock the socks off of your feet, then I will burn my disc. And let me tell you right now son- I have no intention of doing so- EVER. FUCKING CLASSY GAME.


Misfits Season 3- Episodes 1 & 2

Trust me, there’ll be shit. It’s in the air. I can smell it.


            Well, what is there to be said? Misfits is back, things are right again with the world I suppose. Actually, after watching the first two episodes of season 3, it’s more like the opposite- don’t get me wrong, I think they’re brilliant. The new guy, Rudy, sure, he’s no Nathan, but he’s still pretty good. He’s an asshole, but I’m kind of excited that he’s more fleshed out like this, it’s interesting, it’s gonna give the show some good drama to work off of later on, and it’s nice to see they didn’t just try and pretend like he was exactly the same as Nathan, didn’t treat their audience like complete idiots. But anyway, what I’m saying is, is that the new season is starting off brilliant, but I would have to say I was a liar if I didn’t admit that their stories are so completely fucked up that I can’t believe there’s actually a station as cool as E4 to show them. Their new powers are also very cool, and while in the first episode I was a little put off by how specific they were, worried that maybe that would put too much of a tax on the writers to create good stories, I was pleased in the second episode how well they actually pulled off what could definitely be considered the most controversial power of the group, Curtis’ turning into a girl. Very pleased (and totally disturbed) by the shows first few new episodes, and looking forward to a whole ‘nother season of kids calling each other fit, and trying not to be caught with two more dead bodies buried in their back yard. A very happy Classy, and hey, why take my word for it, check out the episodes for yourself: One & Two


The History of Australia

The Australian Book of Etiquette is a very slim volume.
-Paul Theroux

            There are some out there who would tell you that a man who goes to a fancy gala, only to get drunk, loud, and abusive to those around him (both verbally and physically), could never be consider ‘of class.’ They will tell you that there is no possible way that such a loathsome boar could ever be in a position of respect, and should be disregarded completely, if one wishes to preserve their own esteemed social status. These people are idiots. They fail to realize that the man described IS classy, he is simply out of his natural element- and that element is Australia. I say this because there are some of you who are familiar with The Great Down Under, and therefore may be a bit perplexed as to why I’ve come to the conclusion that it is indeed, extremely classy. Don’t get me wrong, Australia is populated by the offspring of criminals, its wildlife seem to have been designed by God for the sole purpose of murder, and if there is a reason that all the continents split apart, it’s probably because all the continents were scared shitless of Australia, and wanted to get the fuck away from it as soon as possible. But think about it: there are those who try to be, ‘that guy,’ and then there are those who are just born to be ‘that guy,’ and whatever complaints you may have about them, you have to admit, nobody could do it quite like them.
John Belushi, Ladies and Gentlemen
My friends, of all the world, Australia is most certainly, ‘that guy,’ and, well, that’s pretty fuckin’ classy in my book. In the hopes that you agree, allow me to finally put this all behind us, and move onto the REAL reason you’re reading this: to find out the story of Australia, the world’s manly, obnoxious, kangaroo-infested testicles. Much like the Americas, before it was colonized, Australia was home to a whole bunch of different  Aborigines, tribes of ‘uncivilized’ people, who lived off of the land, and first settled in the continent approximately 50,000 years ago from South East Asia. The Aboriginal people were very separated, however, as they spoke numerous different languages, with about 250 different recorded tongues by the time the British populated Sydney Cove. This can be attributed, however, to the world the people were living in- it was every man for himself in early Australia, you couldn’t trust anyone or anything. One second you could be resting your head on an oddly shaped rock, next second you could be fighting a vicious rock-shaped armadillo-spider that shot poison from it eyes. Surviving day to day in Australia was a lot like waking up each morning to fist-fight nature, and the fact that so many survived using simple technologies like spears and rocks (real rocks, not the poisonous kind), is a testament to how impossibly bad-ass and hardcore the Aboriginal people were. That is, until, Europe showed up.
"Hmmm... spacious, fertile, pre-inhabited... alright, I'll take it! Now get out."
Australia was first discovered by a famous Dutchman, Willem Janszoon, in 1606, who came to the land on his rather sissily named boat, the Duyfken, or, in regular people speak, the Little Dove. Proving that you can’t judge a book by it’s dainty, pink colored cover, Janszoon proved to be hard enough to actually meet with the Aboriginal people, the first person in the world to achieve such a feat. Still, Janszoon, and the few other explorers of Australia, only managed to chart small sections of the continent; it wasn't until Abel Tasman showed up that any real shit got done. Another Dutchman, Tasman made his first journey down under in 1644, and quickly came to the (rather obvious) conclusion that Australia was made up of fours coasts, a North, a South, an East, and a West, a discovery that made him so famous that the Australian state of Tasmania was named after him. Despite the fact that the Dutch had basically done all the work discovering it, and along with the Spanish and Portuguese, had done all the settling there for about 100 years, when the Brits showed up in 1770, they claimed the whole continent for themselves, calling it New South Wales, because as history has taught us, not only does England love to just claim other's work for their own, they're really just evil geniuses at thinking up creative names- think about it (New South Wales- NSW). I imagine there was a little fuss about the whole thing by the Dutch, but whatever arguments they had probs sucked anyway, seeing as how all the British were really doing was stealing the land that the Dutch were stealing from the Aborigines, which is like a bully complaining to a bigger bully about how the bigger bully was taking the lunch money from the kid the smaller bully usually beat up for lunch money. Either way, the Aborigines didn't really have a say in the manner, since they were 'uncivilized,' and therefore not considered people by Europe, all their kick-ass survival instincts rendered useless by the fact that they didn't wear silly powdered wigs.
Could YOU tell the difference?
The worst part is that the Brits didn't even really want the place, when Captain Cook (he was British, as if the name didn’t give it away) first landed on Australia (or South Narwhale or whatever silly name they gave it), he immediately realized that the land of Australia was like natures minefield, and sending civilized people there was akin to sending people to their deaths- Britain was caught in a conundrum. They couldn't colonize their new land with wimpy settlers, because they'd probs be mauled to death in a week, they couldn't sell the land to the Dutch, because the Dutch would probs rename it something really dumb, and silly, and there was no way in hell they could give it back to the Aborigines (because fuck half a million people who didn't do anything wrong). So in 1788, England set up a penal colony in Port Jackson, and sent all their criminals to Australia, where they'd either be tough enough to survive the place, or just kill each other off over time, hopefully taking a few hundred or so Aboriginal people with them while they were at it.
I swear, I've heard a plan just like this somewhere else...
Either way, that was two problems solved with one move, and England could get back to wearing silly hats, and dealing with those silly upstart rebels in America. On January 26, 1788, the first 1500 British settlers, about half of them convicts, landed on the coast, and created the first Australian colony, as well as what is now known as Australia Day, basically like American Thanksgiving and Fourth of July rolled into one, which is pretty sweet. An interesting side-note, however, it is generally agreed by all historians that the whole event would have been a lot more epic if halfway through their long-ass voyage, the prisoners had pulled a con-air, which, for all the colonists involved, would probs have been a better alternative than actually making it to Australia, where their very presence immediately fucked up the entire ecosystem. You see, because Britain and Australia are a good kajillion miles apart from each other or so, the Aussies had never suffered the same sicknesses and colds that so many Europeans suffered for centuries, so when the British arrived, nice and ill from their stuffy, unhealthy, sea voyage, they weren’t exactly in the best of shape to begin with. Soon, the germs started to spread, and when it reached the Aborigines, who had no immune system to the stuff, the people started to drop like flies the second they got the sniffles.
A light cough you say? I'm afraid we'll have to put you down.
Still, hundreds of settlers would ship in all the time, boat by boat, fleet by fleet, forming six different colonies in the process. It is important to note the reason they came though, it would have to be something pretty special after all, if they were willing to endure living with hundreds of prisoners, the deadliest plants and animals ever known to man, as well as the growing number of Aboriginal corpses struck by the common cold- gold. Due to the fact that the Aborigines had been too busy spending their years in Australia trying not to be punched to death by kangaroos, the vast surplus of precious minerals present in the land had remained relatively untouched, inciting thousands of Europeans to throw their entire lives away to go jones-in’ for some gold. In between being reckless greedy lunatics, however, the people managed to find the time to start rebelling against the crown, like the Americans, creating several different new states, such as Victoria, Queensland (oh the irony), Tasmania, as well as Western and South Australia. It was around this time, 1860, that England finally stopped sending convicts over, more than likely not for the reasons you would suspect (such as the fact that the idea of creating an entire continent of criminals is INSANE), but because the costs of shipping were getting too high, and they didn’t need to populate the place anymore than it already was- by 1860 approximately 160,000 convicts had been sailed to Australia. Also the convicts they had been sending ended up doing crazy shit like this. Settlers would also stop coming to Australia around this time, as the gold was beginning to dry up, and living next to a motherfucking army of convicted felons just isn’t worth it sometimes. As the money dried up, so did the trade, and soon a harsh depression struck the land.
He's part of the 99%- The 99% who haven't been mauled by a dingo, that is.
It went on for several more years until all the Australian states finally just threw up their hands and said “Fuck it, let’s work together.” And so, in 1901, the Federal Commonwealth of Australia was formed to pool together profits, keep stricter control over the economic market, enforce their silly accent, and try to keep track of the population, which was looking pretty grim at the time. There were about 4 million non-indigenous living in Australia in 1901, the indigenous population being somewhere around only 93,000- compare that to 100 years earlier when the population of Aborigines was 300,000, and you begin to see why it was also in the 20th century that the Aussies finally decided to lend a helping hand to the guys who’d been saving their spots in the continent since 500,000 BC. The only problem was that their idea of a ‘helping hand,’ was like Hitler trying to help the world by eradicating the Jews- okay not exactly that bad, but still pretty shitty. Believing that all the Aborigine people wanted was to be civilized, the Australian gov’t tried to help keep them healthy by segregating them from regular Aussies, and later assimilate them by taking away all their rights as people in return for property that they didn’t ask for, and when you think about it, the gov’t had no right to give away.
Here, have some dirt. Now don't go spending it all in one place you scamp!
And while all this was going on, the World Wars were starting, with many young Australian men jumping into the action, expecting the war not to be any harder than the daily dingo wrestling match, believing that they’d be home by Christmas. In a way they were right, fighting war is like wrestling a dingo- if the dingo was armed with a gun and mustard gas. Of the 400,000 that signed up for war in 1914, a good 60,000 were killed in action, another good portion left crippled and wounded. Still, the bravery the Aussies showed in war was a great pride point to them, so much so that there is actually a day in Australia known as Anzac day, when the surviving soldiers from the first World War would gather together and reminisce about the most devastating war of their youth. The Aussies fought with the Allies in the second World War as well, with the bonus that the war was used as a chance by the gov’t to make political connections with other countries, so they could maybe add more friends to their Facebook page, like the US, and China. After the wars, Australia enjoyed many years of prosperity and progress- the Aborigine were finally respected as actual human beings (that really shouldn't have to be an achievement), they managed to channel all their violence into football (not football as in soccer, I mean football as in motherfucking FOOTBALL [or as they would call it, Grid Iron, which really should be the international name for the game anyway, much less confusing, also a bit more hard as balls]) international trade bolstered the Australian market, and helped attribute to their growing culture, funding such projects as the Sydney Opera House, which, while it is absolutely brilliant, was like building a jewelery store in the middle of a battlefield.
By day it is an opera house, by night- IT. IS. THUNDERDOME.
Australian culture was especially relevant to American Hollywood, where a period grew during the 60's and 70's of filmmakers and screenwriters buying Australian films and scripts, to sell to the American audience. This system did have it's flaws however, like when a large US film company, who shall remain nameless, bought the home videos of an Australian police officer named Mel Gibson, who's name they also misspelled, calling the series of 'movies,' he starred in, 'Mad Max.' In fact, it was because of this mistake that Mel Gibson decided to become an actor in the first place, despite suffering from a serious mental disease, known as being an insane little bigoty cunt-face. Many other Australians have reached world wide fame as well, such as Steve Irwin's accent, which was taken from us too soon, when Irwin, a crocodile hunter, attempted to hunt or play with (or whatever he actually did to animals to get him called ‘hunter’ when he in fact laid to rest not one living creature, not even an alligator) a poison-filled killer sting ray, and, well, you can see where I’m going with that. But to get back on topic, we must remember the true power of Australia: those testicle-shitting badasses we know to day as Australians? Before they reached the continent down under- they were Europeans. EUROPEANS.
Not manly? Moi?!
The same people who brought you fancy dresses and tampons, somehow became the people who actually have a stereotype off pulling out their obnoxiously large knives in public drinking spots, and then comparing them (okay so they’re a little insecure, but like I said, EUROPEAN). This effectively makes Australia like one of those “Pray the Gay Away” Christian camps, except for pussies, and as exemplified by the local fauna and flora, GOD HAS NO PLACE IN AUSTRALIA. So, to wrap up, the next time you see an Outback Steakhouse commercial, or something else along those lines, just remember this video, which by the way, is not a video of bunch of Australians fighting, this is a video of a bunch of Australians fucking PLAYING.