Recently found out that this neat little site also shares its name with probs the most racist film of 1992. For some reason I'm feeling a little... proud. Check it
James Bond gets the job done with spy gadgets, and seducing women, the team from M.A.S.H. gets it done by being hilarious, and lighthearted, and G.I. Joe gets it done with (probably) steroids. But in the real world, when real serious UHMERICAN badasses want you dead, forget about even having time to pack your bags for Mexico, because chances are before you're even done, they'll have landed a battle Helicopter on your wimpy-ass Prius, and blasted open your door without the slightest consideration for how the landlord's gonna handle it ('cause thy don't give a FUCK). Say hello to SEAL Team 6. These guys are the real deal, and I know y'all were expecting an essay on video games this week, but it seemed only fitting that an essay on them should just blast through unexpectedly instead, seeing as how most of their mission plans involve such action.
|If this guy was on Team Six, he wouldn't be using a parachute.|
These are the guys who killed Bin Laden (dick), and have been the go-to-guys for counter-terrorist reconnaissance missions since their formation in 1980, in the middle of the Iran Hostage Crisis. It was shortly after the failure of Operation Eagle Claw one of the representatives for TAT (Terrorist Action Team), Richard Marcinko, decided, “You know what? Terrorists suck, and I'm tired of this 'hostage' bullshit,” which lead him to (with permission from the US Navy) create his own full-time team of terrorist hating badasses, who wanted nothing more than to wring the necks of every dick out there who thought it was somehow okay to endanger the lives of innocent civilians. Marcinko was named first commanding officer over this new unit, and given complete control over its design and formation. At the time, there were only two SEAL teams, including Marcinko's, and because two is the third least intimidating number in the world (next to zero and one), he decided to pull a mindfuck, and name his new unit SEAL team six, to make all those smart-ass Soviets who were spying all up on the US think there were even more nut-droppingly scary SEAL teams than actually existed. But if even Seal team six was going to exist, Marcinko was going to need some men, and not just any men, men who had expert combat experience, thorough language skills, as well as, and I shit you not, a different SEAL skill set each man could bring to the group, such as demolitions, hand-to-hand combat, computer hacking, etc.
|Watch out- his awesome beard looks like it wants to kill you.|
The names of the men recruited were obviously never released to the American public (maybe if you normies try reeeeal hard they'll tell you what brand underwear they wear. MAYBE), as well as high ranking officials in Washington, many of whom didn't even know the team existed. I do like to imagine they were all given nicknames though, specifically Ace, Bruiser, Hotshot, Stir-Fry, Egg Head, 8-Ball, Duke, Twitchy- just to name a few of my favorites. After he had nabbed some of the top operatives other SEAL units had to offer, Marcinko got to work whipping those boys into shape, since he had to create the most elite, secretive, unstoppable, hardcore group of warriors to ever exist in about six goddamn months. HALF A YEAR. If you want to visualize how mind-numbingly impossible their training must have been, then just imagine the routine from the first Rocky movie. Okay, now imagine every five steps he has to do 20 push-ups. Now imagine he has to shoot at far away targets for every time he blinks. Now imagine for every bead of sweat he has, he has to carry a 5 pound stone. Now imagine every time he passes a stop sign, he has to fight a bear. Blindfolded. One former team member stated that all together, the amount of ammo they used in one year was more than the entire Marine Corps. Of the average enlistment classes that still try to join, usually half fail, and won't even be admitted to basic training, probably on account of the fact that even that has a history of serious injuries, not to mention death (usually in the freefalling paratrooper section).
|Even Master Chief didn't make it the first time he tried out|
This is one of the other reasons the gov't can't talk about what the team does- if the public knew about stuff like this, literally every single fat kid in the country would collectively shit their pants. The men on this team routinely go through unbelievable torture, with no credit ever given to them, either because they love the hell out of this country, or because being badass just means you can't physically stop yourself from being awesome. Marcinko served as commanding officer for three more years before he left and was replaced by Robert A. Gormly, who was in turn replaced by Thomas E. Murphy in '86, which didn't last too long after the team was disbanded in '87, and brought back together the exact same year under the new title 'Naval Special Warfare Development Group' or just DEVGRU for short (though they were still informally known as team six to everybody involved). And in case you hadn’t already figured it out, what with your pea-sized and non-ass-kicking brain and all, team six- they were GOOD. REALLY GOOD. They were the kind of guys who saved lives just for the heck of it, just a fun outing with the boys, y’know? They started out primarily as naval command units, working on cases that concerned or were in close proximity to open waters. Over time however, as they became recognized as the universal symbol for what it meant to have serious balls, this changed, and they just started doing missions anywhere they pleased, probs because the ocean (which covers 70% of the world) just ain’t big enough for some hombres, and especially not the hombres of SEAL team six. Sadly, despite being awesome in every sense of the word, nobody on the team is allowed to marry. Really, they kinda aren’t allowed to get in any sort of relationship outside of their family, not by military orders obviously, more from just common sense. If terrorists found out that the possible death of one broad could potentially get the SEAL soldier they’ve just captured spill the beans, don’t you think they’d take advantage of that? Not to mention, as we all know, one bad fight could lead to little miss blabbermouth running all over the news (like with stupid rappers- or rapists. Two horrible people someone as boss as a Navy SEAL should never be compared to), and just releasing his identity to literally every asshole on the block with a bomb and a hatred for UHmerica. All that other hard shit was bad enough, but now the greatest people on the face of the earth can’t pick up chicks- they’re some temptation resisting gods. Then again, maybe its best if they don’t try the dating game, just imagine their e-harmony page, hard to think of any women’s shared interests being swimming several miles with their hands and feet bound behind their back. And you should be thankful really, ‘cus the second they go on the market, any chance you had of picking up girls just gets shot down like one of the thousand or so terrorists these guys save the world from all the time. Take for instance one of their more famous missions- and probs the most hardcore nuts-to-the-wall war story you will ever hear. Operation Urgent Fury (as in shit needed to get real, URGENTLY), conducted on October 25, 1983, was the US invasion of the small island nation of Grenada, and involved the covert actions of SEAL team six.
|Grenada's only weakness: Parachutes. And bullets.|
Now admittedly, I don’t necessarily agree with a lot of the invasions the Reagan administration went through with, but in this case, the fight was more than justified. The communist overthrow of the Grenada gov’t by the island’s military force had caused deep concern in the neighboring Caribbean islands, and caused even more concern in Washington D.C. mostly on account of the fact that just about 1,000 US medical students were being kept their against their will, which not only went against the ideals of communism really, but also the Bro Code, article 7-C, section 18. Look it up. Anyway, Reagan and the gang knew this dick move had gone too far, and so they cracked their knuckles, and called in the troops. SEAL team six were to act outside of the regular units deployed into battle, and were assigned two almost impossible secret missions, that both sounded like objectives in COD: protect Governor-General Paul Scoon and his family, and escort them out of the fighting zone, and then find, capture, and secure the Grenada military radio station, so they couldn’t broadcast orders to each other, and call in reinforcements (like wimps). Well before they were even assigned their first mission, the team was completely butt-fucked by the weather. A huge storm had broken out on the Grenada coast, causing high gale winds and waves the size of Joel McHale’s forehead, which screwed the plans to have the team static-line dropped onto boats from military helicopters under the cover of night. Not only did several of the boats get completely lost, but four of the eight SEALs sent in were completely lost during the drop, just because Poseidon was such an insecure girl, and couldn’t handle how much more hardcore the guys were than him, so he decided to throw a huge hissyfit, and only make things worse. Luckily for everybody involved, team six didn’t care if seven out of eight of them had been lost at sea, they had worked too damn hard to just up and quit before they had even reached the damn island. So with their team now cut down to half its original size, the SEALs were told to wait and prepare for their first mission in the morning, where they were flown to the governors mansion while under some serious fire, and zip lined to the ground. They then proceeded to sneak in the back of the mansion, where they found Scoon hiding out, probably psyched to see he was personally being saved by the closest thing to superheroes the world had ever seen. The SEALS then set up a perimeter after hiding the governor and his family in a safer spot in the house, and commenced with showing any of the stupid idiots who felt like dicking around with the Scoons what it meant to personally get your ass handed to you. Fort the rest of the day, they fended off any incoming fire on the house, notable moments in their tirade involving three dudes dressed in Cuban military uniforms trying to roll-up on the house with some AK-47’s and promptly getting shot down by the SEALs after an overly courteous warning to stop (guess what: they didn’t). Then some crazy-ass tank shows up, and after one look at team six, proceeded to roll the hell out, because it at least was one of the few tanks that knew not to pick fights with guys that would one day take out the most evil man in the world (Bin Laden [dick]).
|At least they didn't have to deal with Team Six|
When morning finally came again, the SEALs had basically taken out an entire army and were only stopped when the stupid air support finally decided to show up, and get the Scoons out of there. But the team still had that radio station to take out, so they hopped in a Black Hawk, and with the aid of Assault Team Three, ran in, fucked shit up, and took over the radio station. Even Emeril was too stunned to shout “BAM!” In the process however, they had lost contact with SEAL HQ, and while they labored to make contact, a big ass-tank with about 20 disguised soldiers were trying to creep up on the building, armed. The team tried to tell them to just buzz off, but apparently every one of those soldiers had been dropped on their head as children because they instead decided to just start shooting up the place. They were taken out almost instantly, but were followed by yet another tank as well as three different trucks. The SEALs were taking some heavy assault, and while this itself would never have been enough to make them quit, they were losing a lot of ammo, and so had to go through with Plan B: they destroyed the radio-transmitter (probably by just punching it into oblivion), and then took their pre-planned escape route. What was their pre-planned escape route? A bare-ass open field that was defenseless to fire by literally every Grenadian soldier there, but at the same time was the team’s only chance at getting to the ocean. So they decided to leapfrog it across the field (for you dimwits who don’t know what leapfrogging in the military is, it’s when a team is divided in two, where half take one side faced toward the enemy and shoot while moving, and the other side tries to conserve their ammo and keep behind the other half, and they switch periodically until they reach their goal), which was dangerous enough, until you consider the fact that there were only FOUR of these guys. So two guys would be shooting at a small army of soldiers at a time, while they hauled ass across an open field, and guess what? THEY SURVIVED. If team six had to have an animal equivalent, it would have to be the honey badger, because both have pretty unintimidating names, and yet both are quite honestly the most badass creatures on the face of mother earth.
So to sum it up, SEAL team six is what every human on the planet should strive to be a part of; they are the peak of human perfection, and are so cool, Jack Bauer probably has wet dreams of them. In the words of Epic Mealtime: Team six hater! F-(bird sound)-ing SMART.
Throughout time, humanity has come in many different shapes and size, with many different cultures and traditions, but (and you can call me racist all you want, I speak the truth) there has existed a group of people so absolutely terrifying in every single aspect, that before writing this, I made sure to put on a cheap pair of athletic shorts, for when I soil myself out of fear. I am talking about, of course- the ancient Egyptians. They had literally every single odd against them, and yet they are renowned world-wide for having one of the earliest and most impressive examples of advanced culture in human history. This can be attributed to many things, but if I were a betting man, I’d lay all my money on the fact that the ancient Egyptians, they were… well… they were f-ing hardcore tough.
|One of their Pharaohs was the Crimson Chin|
They built their empire in a goddamn desert; one of their many horrifying gods had the head of a crocodile, and when it came to a written language, they basically said ‘screw it!’ and drew detailed pictures to describe shit. If you’ve ever seen Casino Royale (2006), then you remember that chase scene in the construction site. The guy 007’s chasing runs around a construction site to escape, pulling some wicked free-running moves, and at one time, jumping into the air, grabbing a pipe on the ceiling, using it to swing up and through an open gap above an unfinished wall. What does Bond do? He blasts through the fucking wall full speed like the goddamn Kool-aid man that’s what. Egypt is James Bond in that exact moment. Egypt is Bond in that entire chase scene! And just in case you can’t visualize how pants-wettingly scary that makes them, check it:
If after seeing that you can still find the strength to make fun of them for doing stuff like wearing mascara (guys too), or dress in skirts (guys too), then you need to keep reading this essay, dedicated to literally one of the most terrifying symbols of human power to ever exist, constructed right in Egypt (plus, I’m sure you would wear mascara too if you didn’t have the ability to cry, and a skirt if your balls were so big mere pants couldn’t hope to contain them). The purpose of the pyramids in ancient Egypt were to house the dead, specifically, the Pharaohs, the leaders of Egypt, who each had a pyramid just for themselves, to act as a living monument to how awesome they were when they lived, and to keep dicks from raiding all the treasures they had stored with them when they died. One of the only other man-made pyramids close to as popular as the ones in Egypt, is the one at the Louvre, in Paris, which, when you think about it, stands more as a testament to how different the two cultures are than anything else. The pyramids in Egypt are resilient and made of stone; the Louvre pyramid in France is made of wimpy-ass glass. The pyramids in Egypt are used to store their crazy awesome leaders; the Louvre pyramid in France is used to store… fancy art. I’m sorry France, but there’s a reason England’s North American colony turned into the US, and yours turned into Canada. But back to Egypt- before they had pyramids, the Egyptians used smaller, more flat and square shaped tombs called mastabas. Then, as time progressed, these small stone structures evolved into what one would call a pyramid. And by evolve I mean, somewhere along the line, the Egyptians got bored of just making the same boring square buildings and because actual large, architectural structures were like building blocks to them back then, or some other hardcore reason, they decided to stack he mastabas on top of each other biggest to smallest, creating step-shaped pyramids. The first one they created had a vertical shaft leading to the Pharaoh’s burial chamber, and the only entrance was blocked by a giant granite stone. I mean, you might think blocking off the entrance a bit unnecessary what with the whole 90 degree vertical shaft thing, but hey, they had to take precaution in case Egyptian Spider-Man happened to swing by. Or something. Still not satisfied with the whole ‘invention of the pyramid’ thing, in the Fourth Dynasty, the Egyptians constructed more and more pyramids, playing around with different construction methods and architectural styles. You can actually see how these ‘demo-pyramids’ went, as they lie all around the Egypt today, in places like Meidum, where they tried making a step pyramid and then smoothing the sides after it was built, and Dahshur where they tried just straight up making the pyramid smooth from the start, no steps necessary. The one in Meidum just kinda crashed in upon itself, and was left abandoned in the desert, because it takes a lot more than proof to make an Ancient Egyptian admit he made a mistake. Failure really wasn’t in their dictionary- they had no idea how to draw it.
|"No, no, it's fine! We meant to do that!"|
The pyramid in Dahshur was accidentally designed with too steep an angle at the points, but since construction was already well under way, the architect just shrugged his shoulders, fixed the angle, and told people to keep on building according to the new design, naming it the Bent Pyramid, since- in case you’ve forgotten- the Egyptians don’t ‘try again,’ they just keep on chugging until they’re done, or are standing in the middle of a giant pile of used-to-be-pyramid rubble. A whole bunch of wacky attempts later, the Egyptians finally had pyramids down pat, but only of course the normal sized totally possible ones. There’s still little explanation for their next little project: The Pyramids of Giza, the largest freestanding objects in the world for several hundred years. There have been numerous theories on how the Egyptians could have even feasibly constructed something so ball-bustingly amazing, a few of the more prominent possibilities being Aliens actually made it, Jewish slaves were forced to make it, and Jewish slaves were forced to make it for Aliens. So as you can see, some of the theories are just plain garbage, but don’t blame the people who made them up, they had to, for the same reason we, as children, need to believe that mommy and daddy were just wrestling. If we knew the truth, we’d never be able to sleep at night.
|I mean have you seen the pyramids on Mars? 'Cus they SUCK.|
The Jewish slave theory might be true (everybody hated the Jews back then, for some reason), but there is still little explanation of how in the hell they put the damn Pyramids together. The most logical possibility people have come up with is that the stones were hauled from a nearby quarry and lifted into place, but how the stones could have been moved still perplexes people today, especially since recent evidence suggests that no, Egyptians had not invented cranes and trucks back then, to the disappointment of many leaders of the scientific community, all they had was whatever the fuck they could make out of leaves, rocks, sand, and water (which by the way makes them the MacGyver of the cultural world). Of course, Ancient Egyptians still hadn’t developed the concept of ‘no,’ so they set to work, and as experts have guessed, they finished the biggest thing the world had ever seen (and would ever see for a while) in, oh, y’know, about 20 goddamn years. To put it in perspective, you probs haven’t even finished with school in that time. And let’s be real- which is a greater sign of accomplishment? A gigantic spear tip made out of stone bricks pointed straight at the nuts of Zeus himself, or a degree from the University of Phoenix? And remember, the Pyramids actually had an actual use (unlike a degree from *pfft* the University of Pheonix), they were constructed to house the dead Pharaohs- and the Pharaohs personal lady-friends. Yes, along with the Pharaoh’s mummified corpse was a bevy of LIVING SERVANTS, along with all his crap, which apparently came along with him for the ride when he died, to serve him in the afterlife. Not that many servants, apparently, were actually that freaked out by this prospect, though, because hey, even if they did manage to escape the pyramids, which were protected by the latest in Egyptian security (see Tomb Raider: Anniversary ), they still had to deal with the prospects of an even shittier afterlife, according to the Ancient Egyptian religion. This new afterlife basically entailed some guy weighing your soul against a feather, the feather being lighter because your soul’s so weighed down by evil, and then you getting your head bitten off by a guy with a crocodile head. This may or may not come as a shock, but in Egyptian mythology, and the believed trip to afterlife, this was about the only time on the long, long, journey any real judgment of moral character showed up, the rest of the trip basically consisted of your average Egyptian fighting their way through monsters, reciting spells to ward of demons, and using ancient strategies to cleverly evade possible negative encounters with all manner of magical creatures. So afterlife in Ancient Egypt played out a lot like your average game of World of Warcraft, except literally a million times more horrifying.
|Plus you had to deal with that Leroy Jenkins tool.|
So slaves tended to stick with the Pharaoh because hey, why make shit harder on yourself huh? Besides, if the drawings left by the Egyptians hold any truthful weight to them, then the children of the Nile looked a lot like male and female versions of bald Billy Dee Williams, and hey, if you ask me… that sounds just fine. Just fine indeed.
|You can't see it but this man has just shit himself. The camel is displeased.|