tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58992070828132873282024-02-07T00:49:25.770-08:00Class ActA blog dedicated to all things classy and cultured, where weekly, essays will be posted, to glorify the mind-numbing awesomeness that is humanity itself, in quite possibly the worst way possible.Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-58937159197605480932012-02-27T23:33:00.002-08:002012-02-28T13:18:59.712-08:00We're Alive S.3 Ch.26- Who Overcomes... [SPOILERS]<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You don't know what they took- you don't
know how far I'll go to get her back.</i></div>
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-
Saul</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJNHKhoBqgjhCsG8efTW4SV6eukEQ-o9XVOlVyJ8G9GrGXyvyTQn_-62Syl1m4kIFEbtJuGGspuSYaknNMiQ7d4cdG4yAgGy9NnvLeFwLPeXJBM4beGjSMtmI1a3cfx-VzQai05mMhNgaE/s1600/We%2527re+alive+who+overcomes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJNHKhoBqgjhCsG8efTW4SV6eukEQ-o9XVOlVyJ8G9GrGXyvyTQn_-62Syl1m4kIFEbtJuGGspuSYaknNMiQ7d4cdG4yAgGy9NnvLeFwLPeXJBM4beGjSMtmI1a3cfx-VzQai05mMhNgaE/s320/We%2527re+alive+who+overcomes.jpg" width="316" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please, excuse how unforgivably
late this is, I've just been banging my head against the screen of my computer
for the last several days, for being so damn stupid. Yup, there's nothing quite
like realizing the answer to a question you've been torturing yourself over for
about half a year was right in front of your eyes, to make you feel like you
may well have been dropped on your head as a child. Though before I go any
further I suppose I should probably just lay it out there right now, SPOILERS.
SPOILERS ALL UP IN THIS REVIEW. Spoilers growing off of the goddamn trees. So
if you've got something against spoilers, then kindly GTFO, my friend, this
article was meant for wiser eyes than yours.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alright, now that the riff-raff's
gone, let's shift our focus back to what we're all really here to talk about-
The Army, Chin-Wei (nothing like a foreign name to make me feel self-conscious
about my spelling), and KULANI. KULANI, KULANI, MOTHERFUCKING KULANI.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, excuse my French, but...
just wow. It's because of things like this that I have to give all kinds of
respect to the writers of We're Alive, for keeping the plot focused on one big
question that's basically driving Saul and Victor's storyline forward, only to
pull something like this out of actually nowhere (just when my guard was down),
and something so amazing too! I mean, you can fully measure how complicated and
intricate the plot of this show is by moments like this, where only the
possibility of an answer is given, and yet that in itself opens up a whole
'nother wormhole of questions and possibilities.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I'll get more into that later
(must save the best for last, must save the best for last, must save the best
for last...), for now let's focus on our good pal Michael. Now kids, Micheal's
been having kind of a rough time of it lately. You see, about 2/3rds of the
people he's met in the last year or so have just been massacred by a mad gang
of psycho, RPG carrying, escaped prisoners, in an enormous 9/11 style attack
that destroyed almost everything he'd been clinging too for sanity, in a world
turned so fucking nuts, that dead people are walking around eating people, and
all civilization has just about collapsed.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh yea, and all that death and
destruction- potentially his fault. Sooo basically he's got a pretty bad case
of the Mondays, and may or may not be driving himself insane with despair and
anxiety.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honestly, it's a serious testament
to how incredibly intriguing this story has gotten that the state Micheal is in
now is not the most interesting thing on my list, especially after this
episode. As I said last time, it struck me as a bit odd how Micheal was so
unusually lax on Riley after her little incident, and this chapter does nothing
but strengthen the argument that yes, emotionally, Micheal is more messed up
than a five year old trapped alone in a room with a Chinese finger-trap. He’s
belligerently tired, totally unsure of himself or his abilities anymore, and is
only just coming to terms with the complete amount of crapola he’s gotten
himself into (and just scares the willies out of him).</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey, things are looking up though
right? Not only is the base safe, but the Army’s there! Micheal’s people!
Hooray! Oh wait, that’s right, it’s the Zombie Apocalypse, which apparently
means that every time something nice finally happens, the world has to add a
big ‘ol rotten cherry on top just to ruin everything- I am of course talking
about Corporal Puck.</div>
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Okay, so he’s
not exactly the worst instance of this ‘rotten cherry effect,’ (I like to
believe the time they had their party crashed by insane, gun-wielding maniacs
might take the cake there) but come on, that zombie that hung onto the chopper
the whole damn time made a better first impression than that out-of-line jerk.
Micheal held his ground admirably though, reassuring the audience that he
hasn’t completely lost his touch as leader, a fact you can’t truly appreciate
until afterwards in the bunker, when even Pegs being all adorable and nice (I
mean more than usual, of course) can’t keep him conscious (okay, it’s an
assumption, but really, find me a more deadpan example of a completely
ambiguous ending, go on, I dare you).</div>
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All in all, a
pretty good story for the Tower Gang this week, though to be frank, it was more
of an intense dialogue scene split into two parts than a real story, and was
largely Micheal centered. Ordinarily this would not be a complaint, but after
last week, only having two or three mentions of Riley the entire episode seems
somehow unfair, though reading this back to myself, I have to admit I do sound
kind of like the spoiled child in the supermarket preparing to throw a fit
because he can’t have both toys to play with.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 35.45pt;">
I’m very
pleased with how well this first introduction to the army was pulled off, and
am looking forward to future episodes featuring even more instances of this
attitude those enlisted in the armed forces have taken up in this time of
unbelievably harsh survival, and how those remaining from the Tower will come
to adapt to it with the two strongest pillars of their small community now both
festering in some very dark places.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 35.45pt;">
But now to
focus on a much different, though just as exciting topic: Saul and Victor! At
one point in the chapter I just had to pause and stop myself from laughing when
I just heard an old Southern Narrator in my head say “Now them Tower Boys had
gotten themselves into a whole heap of trouble…”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 35.45pt;">
Okay that
sounds a bit weird, but it’s because of shit like that that I really admire
this chapter, which seemed very focused on continuing to outline Saul and
Victor’s relationship, and how perfectly imperfect they were matched together,
Victor playing the good cop, Saul playing the bad cop, the Starsky to his
Hutch, if you will, the Frodo to his Sam, the Tom Sawyer to his Huck Finn (tell
me that isn’t exactly what you were thinking during the fruit orchard scene).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 35.45pt;">
And both to
stir up the relationship, and actually outline it perfectly, we have the
addition of Chin-Wei, a very interesting new character, not just because of the
fact that apparently she’s survived this long almost entirely alone, which is
impressive in itself, but because she also has a mysterious (but apparently
well documented) history with the dynamic duo’s number one most wanted, the
Mallers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 35.45pt;">
Also quite
interesting, her collection of cats, which I was happy to see matched up with
the metaphor for cats and a survivor’s loneliness, which the chapter seemed to
be hinting at the entire time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 35.45pt;">
You’ll forgive
me if I mostly focus on their first encounter with her, since, admittedly, the
beginning of Saul and Victor’s story this week was rather dull. It’s very
obvious how the writers tried to spice up their scavenging of the Tower ruins,
but for the most part it felt both lacking in intrigue and far too drawn out,
for what was an interesting, yet very unrewarding payoff.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 35.45pt;">
But that’s not
important anymore. None of it is. Wanna know why? One word, three syllables.
KULANI. God, I’m sorry, but what a FANTASTIC way to end a chapter, I mean,
THAT; THAT is how you make an incredibly exciting twist/cliffhanger. Really, I
don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been repeated before me on the
forums (especially after all the time I took to write this up, once again, I
apologize), the question as to who the hell has been spying on the Tower has
been one of the most intriguing mysteries in the shows entire run, and this
sudden reveal to the audience, out of the goddamn blue, it’s like being told
your wife is pregnant for the first time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 35.45pt;">
EVERYTHING
MAKES SENSE NOW, BUT NOW NOTHING WILL EVER MAKE SO MUCH SENSE EVER AGAIN. I
mean, just, aw man, I really have to end here, because I am 100% certain that
if I were to continue, you would have to get a carton of tissues to wipe up the
fanatical nerdgasm I would spew all over this review. A Classy, just barely,
but still a Classy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 35.45pt;">
Long live We’re
Alive, and here’s to cliffhangers that make you just want to hang yourself, if
only to stop the suffering of waiting for the next episode.</div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRvdu__jV18f-7EhJFZ63VOoAttZjXzzy_4wDNdnAmT5GV1bQ__V9AibfOjwr9b3JYf4n5vaS3eOtJcEHfxPY20lVBdPN7L4tYjmo-nChKYw7BQb8BCZFuFVGJmmmyQnWA9KutAVuEnEzr/s1600/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRvdu__jV18f-7EhJFZ63VOoAttZjXzzy_4wDNdnAmT5GV1bQ__V9AibfOjwr9b3JYf4n5vaS3eOtJcEHfxPY20lVBdPN7L4tYjmo-nChKYw7BQb8BCZFuFVGJmmmyQnWA9KutAVuEnEzr/s320/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-75259252004065210632012-01-18T12:52:00.000-08:002012-10-01T13:20:08.916-07:00We're Alive S.3 Ch.25 - Inadequate Strength [SPOILERS]<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; tab-stops: 55.5pt center 3.25in; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Hard
not to talk about death when it’s surrounded us as much as it has.</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">-
Kelly</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU7l-7Pg1dC6xfrSqUnj3aXsL7G3c5qB46cExXVE-dIsFKAuWHPG_tb3x9m-opk8-KB93vZ8Af5ySCnYEJbegdfrx-nguUrFTcXckzJVhoB-tp5Q-oO6fzo5euGlgdKgJmRFY1ZDJya5YM/s1600/We%2527re+alive+inadequate+strength.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU7l-7Pg1dC6xfrSqUnj3aXsL7G3c5qB46cExXVE-dIsFKAuWHPG_tb3x9m-opk8-KB93vZ8Af5ySCnYEJbegdfrx-nguUrFTcXckzJVhoB-tp5Q-oO6fzo5euGlgdKgJmRFY1ZDJya5YM/s320/We%2527re+alive+inadequate+strength.jpg" width="318" /></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> I feel like I really shouldn’t have to say this again,
but I will, just one more time, so all y’all get it through your (possibly)
thick skulls: Beyond this point there be SPOILERS. While I would love to cater
to the newcomers, and get you all interested in this be-goddamn-rilliant show,
sadly (or fortunately, if you’ve been keeping up with it), far too much has
developed in the plot for me to even attempt scuttling around the veritable
mine-field of spoilers here, so, even though it pains me, I must kindly ask
those of you who have yet to listen to, and be blown away by the Season 2
finale, The Harder They Fall, kindly get the hell out of here. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> We good? Alright, then let’s get this review STARTED.
We’re Alive, after leaving us all typing big bold WTFs into our computers last
July, has finally returned, and somehow quenched my personal thirst for
auditory Zombie entertainment, despite answering maybe .01% of the questions
I’ve been roaming the forums to try and understand for the past five months,
and yet it’s that microcosm of answers that they do provide that make all the
difference. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> Not to seem like a complete tease, but before I get to
talking about where we are now in the story, I feel I must address the
climactic fall of the Tower, which is, in my opinion, one of the most
emotionally painful tragedies to the show, second only to the infamous ‘Datu in
the Arena’ story arc from Season 1 (which I will admit, made me cry like a
little bitch).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> The Tower’s demise to me seemed rather reminiscent of the
destruction of the Prison in the comic series The Walking Dead, though while
much of the trauma incited by the comic was due to the absolute massacre of
almost all of the main characters, much the trauma provided by We’re Alive is
from the fact that, to the fans, the Tower was one of the most essential
elements to the show, and from the very first chapter onwards, it had become
the lone symbol for hope and rebirth in the hell-on-Earth that is
Zombie-infested LA. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> The fact that it not only survived for so long, but stood
its ground in situations similar to the one that finally brought it crashing to
the ground, such as the finale from Season 1, made the Tower seem only that
much more impenetrable. And even though
in the events leading up to it’s destruction, it had become a forgone
conclusion that the gang would be abandoning the Tower eventually, there was no
amount of cushioning that could have prepared us for the absolute chaos
surrounding the Tower’s fall, and how it would affect the future of the
characters themselves. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> The story doesn’t waste any time in getting right back to
where we’d left off last season though, opening with Saul and Victor just
escaping the madness of the Tower’s collapse, only to get caught in a
turret-toting truck by one of the Big Ones, which leads to an excellent action,
turret-fire, chase sequence, which the show pulls off, like so many of it’s
other action scenes, marvelously, the excitement and adrenaline it incited
actually causing me to sit straight up in bed, feeling as tense as if I was
watching a scene from a great shoot-em-up film. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> This was of course, interspersed with some rather
(understandably) angry dialogue between the two, foreshadowing a complicated
relationship in the coming future of the show. Still, on the other hand, the
obvious distaste they each hold for the other is rather reminiscent of the
relationship between Angel and Kulani, wherein they faced a situation very much
like Saul and Victor, and after surviving together long enough, formed a bond
of respect between themselves, though the prospects that Saul and Victor have
to consider, however, are far more bleak, a fact that may also effect the
strength of their partnership more than anything else.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> On the other side of the world (as it may as well be),
Michael leads his helicopter of survivors to what could be, for all they know,
a big dead end, or their very salvation, along the way scratching the surface
of the incredible amount of FUCKED UP the presumed death of their loved ones
has cultivated in the group. And while Riley may be the most noticeable
offender in this respect (we’ll get to her in a second, just you wait), it’s
also important to pay attention to Tanya, who has now just lost her only son
once again, and so soon after reuniting with him, as well as Datu, who seems,
somehow, even more distressed than his usual distressed self, the combination
of the two spelling out a possibly very interesting plotline with Hope, of whom
the two both share a very deep, and rather possessive bond (then again his may
just be one of those cases where I’m reading far too much into it). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> But focusing in more on Riley, it’s impossible now not to
imagine an episode coming soon, quite possibly even the very next one, where
people will finally call her out on her shit. If you’ve been paying any
attention to the show, then you know that all this, the drinking, the smoking,
the emotional break-downs, are not some spur of the moment thing, this has been
a growing concern for just about everyone close to her for a while now, and as
evidenced by the little running away fiasco she just pulled, it’s becoming kind
of huge problem. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> What makes it all the more painful is the fact that since
she was first introduced, guarding Pegs in the flower shop, Riley has always
been the tough, level-headed female character of the show, her thick French
accent, and expertise in Archery, making her a strong, reliable, and rather
alluring addition to the group, both on and off the battlefield. It’s knowing
this that makes her deep, deep decline so much harder to watch, and at times,
like this last episode, rather frightening, specifically, and this is speaking as
someone with a close alcoholic relative, the short, almost unnoticeable little
snippet of dialogue between Tanya and Michael, as Tanya tries to keep Riley stable
during their second take-off, and asks Michael where exactly Riley got the
bottle, to which he replies that she, “Must’ve stowed it away,” a sentence that
gave me actual chills in my spine when I heard it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> This really is exceptionally scary when you
more thoughtfully consider the level to which this has come in realism, where
not only can the group not keep track of her problem anymore, but even the listening
audience is unable to, not to mention the fact that her stowing it away before
they left means she considered that bottle of alcohol a necessity, ambiguously
hinting that this may have been going on for longer than any actually realized.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">I’ll
admit, I’m a little surprised at how Michael took this new development,
especially all the trouble it caused, as this seems like just the kind of thing
that he would crack down on, like so many other things in the past, yet instead
he seems exceptionally understanding, which in this case, isn’t necessarily a
good thing. Then again, Michael is still feeling the effect that the tragedy
has had on each and every one of them, and if we are to remember for a second
the last time he was so broken down by a compromise to the safety of those
around him, then we’ll also remember that when Michael feels deep enough shame,
he can lapse into an unsure, and rather dangerous personality, such as the
infamous insecurity that lead to Michael at one point relinquishing his title
as leader to Burt (which didn’t end well for anybody). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Luckily,
Pegs is there, and as their little private conversation confirmed, their
relationship is still a very interesting, and continually developing plotline,
which is fortunate considering that at this point, the only other two strong
romantic relationships in the series have hit (possible) dead ends, and even
when they were still going, had far surpassed Michael and Pegs’, which at this
point isn’t even really definable. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">And now, so nearing the end of the review, I’d just like to discuss the
title of the chapter itself, which, after philosophizing over it for a while, I
realized fit the content of the chapter exceptionally well. The title,
Inadequate Strength, refers to many different aspects of this installment, such
as the fight at the beginning, pitting Saul and Victor against the horrifically
large Big One, but at a more in-depth level, the title also refers to the new
enemy the group must face, which is Survivors Guilt, the horrible feeling of
being unable to save everyone, to the point of blaming one’s self, a fight
against which Riley seems to be losing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">An
excellently done chapter, yet I still must criticize some of the lack-luster,
and at times pointless writing (for example, the goddamn dog, how the hell did that get on board, when actual people we're left behind to die? It's like that stupid cat in Alien), which I did try to justify, since in a show as
grand and large as We’re Alive, it’s the little details that are most
important, yet I can’t give it completely special treatment, and still must
penalize it accordingly. An extremely high Dapper to the Season Three opener, I’ll
be happy to see where the story will go with Fort Irwin, and what exactly that
shot at the end means. Bravo.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhETb_val5VBJDdZEjtqM8ehv63EH-wU7UFhWMHolDW0hyW6qFukI_Dr45S76RONtcdWgeEh12uv-KfyqnC_9a4bZsFpmvcmVZHR9DvoeuSgJE_hpim4C2RZjy1LEfOQY-H1TD7-xVN_VP1/s1600/Dapper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhETb_val5VBJDdZEjtqM8ehv63EH-wU7UFhWMHolDW0hyW6qFukI_Dr45S76RONtcdWgeEh12uv-KfyqnC_9a4bZsFpmvcmVZHR9DvoeuSgJE_hpim4C2RZjy1LEfOQY-H1TD7-xVN_VP1/s1600/Dapper.jpg" /></a></div>
</div>
</div>
Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-63588254677730863542012-01-16T15:49:00.000-08:002012-07-21T09:57:31.604-07:00Katawa Shoujo Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">You are not alone, and you are not
strange. You are you, and everyone has damage. Be the better person.</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">-
Anonymous Game Developer</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaHzRLXDti5n3geX9djwgoRKu2vl-jDGKbBqdY92ayUBIPpQb8NtPBwyJfWL0yQr2KOmy7IpyG3FzwySDkI0MXR8elgp1Mxk83eg57SF_6ospYlqyzC41VChef31oD1lj0JyPrdWohd858/s1600/Katawa+Shoujo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaHzRLXDti5n3geX9djwgoRKu2vl-jDGKbBqdY92ayUBIPpQb8NtPBwyJfWL0yQr2KOmy7IpyG3FzwySDkI0MXR8elgp1Mxk83eg57SF_6ospYlqyzC41VChef31oD1lj0JyPrdWohd858/s1600/Katawa+Shoujo.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Alright,
take it; just take it- take my man card right now, because at this point, if I
have to hold in how much I goddamn adore this game one second longer, then I’m
actually going to bite my own tongue off. <i>Katawa
Shoujo, </i>which<i> </i>translates to, <i>Cripple Girls</i>, is a text based, Japanese
style RPG, more of a virtual novel really, which revolves around you playing
the male protagonist, who attends a high school of disabled young adults, the
goal being to romance one of five different girls, each with their own
individual personality, and disability. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">I know. Shit sounds bananas. And as
blunt as it may seem, this is quite possibly the best description to give this
game, if only for one important reason: it in itself acts as yet another form
of the truly profound lesson the game seeks to impart on those who play it, a
lesson that the developers show they wholly believe in, and for good reason.
For while the initial judgment one may have towards the statement, and the game
it describes, is amusement at the ridiculousness of it all, this is an
improperly informed, and rather misguided view, based off of a lack of
understanding due to the fact that one hasn’t played the game itself (this is
not a criticism, simply a statement of fact, trust me, I have no desire to
insult). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Hell, after playing through it several times now, I have a hard time
even calling it a game, to be honest, I would call <i>Katawa Shoujo</i> one of the most human experiences (ironically) I have
ever come across in my admittedly short time on Earth, and I am glad (and wholly
relieved, if I’m being honest) to hear this was not an isolated incident.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">
Almost immediately after my first campaign through it (after I spent several
hours simply staring into space, blown away by the game of course) I looked it
up on <a href="http://www.reddit.com/search?q=katawa+shoujo&restrict_sr=off&sort=relevance">reddit</a>, where I’d first heard about it, to find many others who happened across
the game much like I did, or had been waiting patiently for the game to come
out for many a moon, and, far be it from me to make far reaching and wild
accusations, but I believe the general consensus is that this game is gonna
make you weep like you need to use the world’s largest tampon, and also change
the entire way you see the world itself- or at least those of the opposite
gender.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> But seriously, all joking aside, this game IS BRILLIANT, and for so
many different reasons, almost all of them revolving around the fact that the
potential this game holds to change those who play it for the better, is
extraordinary. And while I would encourage you to play through the game
multiple times, to continue to explore the vast world the creators have
developed, I must admit that at least in my opinion, there will be no time the
game will affect you more than in your first play through, which may be for many reasons, though I’m
pretty certain the ownership one feels and adopts after the first story may
have something to do with it, that is to say, from the point you finish the
first plot line onwards, Katawa Shoujo will always be that plot line to you,
and always be the story of the girl you met in that first go-around.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> And that
first go-around is also important as it will be the first time you’re view of the
game evolves into what it was really designed to be about- let me elaborate.
Going into this game, whether you’re familiar with virtual romance RPGs or not,
you will probably see the whole point of the game as what it initially seems to
be- a game where the goal is to click the right dialogue options so you can get
the girl in the sack, and beat the game. Hoo-fucking-ray.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> But when the story
truly gets off the ground, and you begin to meet the different girls, and get
deeper and deeper into their plot-lines, discovering more about them as you
progress, you WILL begin to feel something… different. When you see the
problems the girls face, the problems that will remain surprisingly ambiguous,
even to the very end of the story, and the thoughts and feelings these girls
manage to share with you, suddenly, you don’t even think about ‘nailing’ the
girl you’ve chosen, romancing her, or even getting close enough to start a
dating relationship, instead, the game will have you feeling something different-
the desire to help the girl. What makes Katawa Shoujo so goddamn magnificent,
is that it works it’s entire playability off of the most natural and universal
of human instincts, empathy, the desire to care for someone other than
yourself, the feeling of compassionate love for another human being.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM6eyrzkL9evYB_ao8a8fVNCR7vI_UMyQIhViKVgSh8FrDfWArrYV6Rzw3JVFxYu4gnmP7YTi9nblfM6aHlnjgWBKIGTWnj_Jp7J6GqGjRac99fJrZ78dVNz3OBVYVa8f-ZrDMTVubGUE3/s1600/katawa+shoujo+message.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM6eyrzkL9evYB_ao8a8fVNCR7vI_UMyQIhViKVgSh8FrDfWArrYV6Rzw3JVFxYu4gnmP7YTi9nblfM6aHlnjgWBKIGTWnj_Jp7J6GqGjRac99fJrZ78dVNz3OBVYVa8f-ZrDMTVubGUE3/s320/katawa+shoujo+message.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> And that isn’t
to say the game manipulates you into feeling these things, no, it’s more like
the game is apathetic to whether you feel connected or not, it simply concerns
itself with drawing out these characters, and making them so life-like, that
you do the connecting yourself. And what else is so ingenious about the game,
is that the empathy it garners in you, is of the purest form, it is the feeling
of being connected to somebody on completely equal terms, as you begin to see
the girls you meet as no different than you, or anybody else for that matter,
their faults and differences quickly washing away, their happiness becoming
what is truly important to you as the player- and to say that the fact that the
girls are disabled is only a feature of this wonderful message, would be an
understatement.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> As one of the creators stated about the girls and their
disabilities, “They are not strange people – they are regular ordinary human
beings who feel the way they feel not because they are disabled, but because
they are ordinary. They are the universal allegory for humanity; the archetypal
human; the mess you become when you feel sad and alone and unworthy.” </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">I have no
doubt in my mind, when I say that as a story based off of kindness, friendship,
and understanding on the deepest of levels, Katawa Shoujo is the greatest
romance story I have EVER had the pleasure to experience, and is, in all
seriousness, (you can, and absolutely should quote me on this here) my choice for
2012 game of the year. Yea. Hows about that. Only two weeks into the year and I’m
decided.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> Listen, just please, give this game a shot; if you don’t already feel
like downloading it right now (it’s goddamn free by the way), then I blame
MYSELF for not explaining the game correctly, rather than the game itself for
being unappealing. Laying my chips down on the line here, and sacrificing my
very last holds to manly respect (I’m sorry Hemingway), Katawa Shoujo awakened
something inside me, that I had believed to have been murdered by years of
adolescent rejection, and average High School feelings of inadequacy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> Whatever
faults the game has, such as the rather long-winded samples of text that don’t
seem to go anywhere, or the rather whiny protagonist narrating the whole affair
(this may also attribute to the former problem though), are like miniscule
cracks on the surface of a brilliant work of art.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> If you want to expand your
entire view of the world around you, and the people co-inhabiting it with you,
then play Katawa Shoujo. If you wish to gain a positive respect, as well as a healthy
concern for those of the opposite gender around you, then play Katawa Shoujo. If
you want to become a better person in general- well, fuckin Katawa Shoujo.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> If,
however, all this seems dumb to you, and you think the whole thing just sounds
weird, and sad, and gay, like you believe all forms of romantic art are, then
you should be forced to read every single goddamn piece-of-crap Twilight book
Stephanie Meyers shits out of her manipulative, unimaginative, cunt-hole, you
stupid, unappreciative fuck- whoa. Got a little out of hand there. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Anyway,
Katawa Shoujo earns an unheard of <b>CLASSY
AS FUCK</b>, for being a once in a lifetime game, that I don’t believe I’ll
ever be able to get out of my mind, and can honestly say has changed me as a person.
As always, enjoy, and before you get any ideas about running off, <a href="http://katawa-shoujo.com/download.php">I got the download link right here jack,</a> you play that shit right now, and see why this
game has been giving so many people straight-up emotional boners. And off the
record, mad respect to you if you went with Hanako too. Mad respect.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaxVwD-HvNU"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidJAmSxTtzWpHbuVwlFjPNyoGQlMqFlsdA0No1aeFvnQsanM9so97Hc8zLOLcSRZ6Uc712Z4WsmUb2FDVzHppAaI2KRoJ3gMdNf4bCeopNixcNJ3RT2BdYy8wovqSj4MNbeYpXbbtEkvN4/s320/Classy+as+FUCK.jpg" width="302" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-24103956502919447982011-12-31T13:35:00.000-08:002011-12-31T13:35:50.297-08:00The History of Skyrim<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<![endif]-->
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">They call Skyrim the Throat of the
World, because it is where the sky exhaled on the land and formed them.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Unknown;
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Children of the Sky</i></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gD_IZBPOwlQ/Tv920_m8FcI/AAAAAAAAAXY/tM7vctf3ZE8/s1600/Skyrim+dragon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gD_IZBPOwlQ/Tv920_m8FcI/AAAAAAAAAXY/tM7vctf3ZE8/s1600/Skyrim+dragon.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Alright, so, what with it being the Holidays and all, I
was gearing up to write about some Holiday type things, unsurprisingly. But
that just irked me a bit, mostly because doing so would be akin to littering
over the internet, since that's just about all anybody feels like writing about
this time of year (even FOX news has gotten in on the Christmasy Cheer, in
their own special way), that is, unless they're writing about their 'TOP 5
FAVORITE FILMS FROM 2011!' Which all just happen to be the same five films that
were advertised most on their site this year (isn't it just a Christmas
miracle). And this is why I need to write this essay- this same annoying,
little rant has been playing over and over in my head for almost a week now,
bumming me out, with me trying to somehow find the motivation to write about
Christmas, or Santa, hell, at one point I considered writing about the history
of the Coca-cola company, since they invented the whole damn thing themselves.
Until it hit me: there's only one thing everybody's really looking forward to this
year during the Holidays, and that's getting a whole week to do nothing but
play SKYRIM! Probably one of the most epic games ever created, the fifth
installment in the Elder Scrolls series has turned more Average Joes into
video-game addicted fantasy junkies than just about any other game I can think
of, and yes, that's including WoW (bunch of money hocking dorks if you ask me
[and Chuck Norris? Really? Ridiculous]). </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aJLsDyk0SPs/Tv93MTtgP-I/AAAAAAAAAXk/ZlunQmMypsA/s1600/good+guy+greg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aJLsDyk0SPs/Tv93MTtgP-I/AAAAAAAAAXk/ZlunQmMypsA/s1600/good+guy+greg.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I have a new hero now Mr.Norris. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">The game has received inconceivable
amounts of praise, not just because of the narcotic-like obsession the game
seems to inspire in those who play it, but because what Bethesda Game Softworks
seems to have created here is, quite literally, an actual WORLD, chock full of
depth, layers, oh yea, and FUCKING DRAGONS. But more importantly, books. Books,
and books, and even more books, books as far as the eye can see, and more
informative to the player than a coughing, obese, foot-stomping knight in
clanky armor is to a blind person. I’m talking books about myths, books about
romance, books about tragedy, books about freaking books! There are plays,
novels, fairy tales, and best of all, books about history, which are so detailed,
and actually seriously interesting, that I can use them (and a bit of info
collected from the Elder Scrolls Wiki pages) to make an actual essay on the
History of the Nordic lands known as Skyrim. So next time your wife, or
girlfriend, or family, or friends ask you what’s the big deal about this dumb
video-game you’ve been doing nothing but playing for the last two months, you
can show them this essay, preferably with a victorious middle finger raised
high, or at least a not-too-douchebaggy ‘Screw You,’ before you get back to
leveling up your bow wielding Argonian assassin in the GREATEST GAME EVER
CREATED. </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GFCnwcfj1f0/Tv94RQFC8zI/AAAAAAAAAXw/KwoUY4Zs7lM/s1600/skyrim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GFCnwcfj1f0/Tv94RQFC8zI/AAAAAAAAAXw/KwoUY4Zs7lM/s1600/skyrim.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's a dragon tail by the way, not tentacle porn.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now while Skyrim, like all of Tamriel, is heavily
populated and dominated by humans, it was not always this way. In fact, for
most of the First Era, the land belonged predominately to the Mer races, specifically
the Snow Elves, or the Falmer, and the Dwermer, whose technological
advancements placed them ages ahead of any other race known to exist in Skyrim,
possibly even Tamriel as a whole, to the current date (until they all vanished
one day or whatever). What changed? Well the ancient human land of Atmora’s what
changed hombre, a huge civil war broke out, with the entire society of man
basically losing their shit (not for the last time either), making everybody a
bit uncomfortable, including one very important man, Ysgramor. Now Ysgramor was
a fighter, true, but that didn’t mean he loved fighting so much that he was
ready to lose his head with the rest of the idiots who’d started the war in the
first place. So when he, along with a number of other people, heard news of a
new and unexplored continent far, far away from the all the hulluhbaloo going
on in Atmora, he took his chance, grabbed a vessel, some other family and
friends to keep him company, and set out to the vast unknown. In a shitty
prehistoric-age floating thing (I’m not sure it even deserves to be called a
boat it’s so sad). Over a large body of water called the motherfucking SEA OF
GHOSTS. </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VjMwpfAbkWM/Tv95Dq_Iw7I/AAAAAAAAAX8/JQVA78HyDNk/s1600/ghost+hunters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VjMwpfAbkWM/Tv95Dq_Iw7I/AAAAAAAAAX8/JQVA78HyDNk/s1600/ghost+hunters.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Watch out, the water's so cold it's... <i>chilling!</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Seriously, that war better have been some World War 3 type shit,
because I’m having a little trouble looking up to the guy even now, before the
whole- oh, almost got ahead of myself there for a second. No, by some miracle they
made it to Tamriel (I don’t care if this IS a fantasy universe where you can
fight a dragon with lighting spells, that’s a goddamn miracle in my book), and
it was Ysgramor who was first to set foot on the strange new land, which would
come to be known as Hssarik Head, Skyrim’s northern coastal tip. This however
is somewhat of a heated topic, as debated in the informative book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Frontier, Conquest, and Accommodation: A
Social History of Cyrodiil</i>, where the author (Unknown) contends that humans
had actually been migrating to Tamriel for quite some time before the civil war
in Atmora even broke out, and that humans had settled as far and as wide as
what would come to be known as Cyrodiil. This would also explain the Breton
race, who could be early Nordic humans who had come to such peaceful relations
with the Mer races of High Rock, that they began to mate. This is unconfirmed however,
and whether out of classic Nordic patriotism, or real historic fact, the story
of Ysgramor is generally accepted as the truth to most of Tamriel. At the time
however, they named the land Mereth, after all the elves they saw running
around the woods, kinda like if we had named America after the Native
Americans- wait… Anyway, things were going swimmingly between the two races,
the Nords and the Snow Elves, in a ‘I’m just going to ignore you and pretend
you don’t exist,’ kind of way, which is the same attitude many people hold in
our world today, mostly in work offices, and public schools. </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jGTivlZHk7c/Tv97KY2oaOI/AAAAAAAAAYI/3NlXF7cJqRc/s1600/cubicles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="146" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jGTivlZHk7c/Tv97KY2oaOI/AAAAAAAAAYI/3NlXF7cJqRc/s320/cubicles.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In my day we didn't need cubicles to blatantly ignore those around us.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Sadly, when the
Snow Elves did manage to make the time to actually pay attention to their new
human counterparts, residing in the first human colony/city known as Saarthal,
they began to see that the people were mating and populating like a family of
rabbits with Barry Manilow playing, and were starting to expand and eat up all
the good grub nature had to offer. Unlike rabbits though, the Snow Elves couldn’t
just stab every human that ran across their path, no, that could start some sort
of war. See, the Snow Elves didn’t actually have any problem with just up and
stabbing a Nord bitch, they actually believed that the humans were as ignorant
and unimportant as any rabbit; they just didn’t want to start any unnecessary
shit that could get themselves hurt. The irony being that because of their
unwillingness to get involved at all with the Nords, they never learned that
they were actually, you know, intelligent beings who get a bit more than pissed
when you just start massacring them, which is exactly what the Snow Elves did,
on a night that is known in history as the Night of Tears, where an army of
Snow Elves just showed up in Saarthal one day when everybody was sleeping,
minding their own business and shit, and the Snow Elves let loose, killing
every single person there except for Ysgramor and his two sons, who managed to
escape, but not before swearing eternal vengeance on the Falmer for what they did.
Back in Atmora however, things had cooled down, and were actually really chill
and peaceful, and were looking pretty good for everybody involved- until Ysgramor
shows up again, and starts stirring up some more bullshit about how the Snow
Elves must pay, painting them as complete monsters, and tools of the Deadra (a
bit understandable, not that it makes what happened any more excusable).</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7VcVV5MqsBg/Tv98HmV6mSI/AAAAAAAAAYU/WnN72H4MO9k/s1600/elf+ears.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7VcVV5MqsBg/Tv98HmV6mSI/AAAAAAAAAYU/WnN72H4MO9k/s1600/elf+ears.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ysgramor would commonly wear fake ears as part of his racist elf impression. Much like black-face.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">After
every great warrior in Atmora had heard Ysgramor’s story, it’d have actually
taken more just to keep them from going all the way over to Tamriel to kick the
human-murdering asses of every single elf in the joint, which Ysgramor used to
his advantage, leading an unheard of armada of 500 warriors to battle. These
men and women would become known as the 500 companions, and Ysgramor would go
on to be known as their leader, or the first Harbinger, and would become
legendary for the creation of this guild of fighters, as well as for creating
the Ysgramor dynasty, and wielding the great two-handed war axe Wuuthrad.
Needless to say, the humans decimated the Snow Elves, and even after their
defeat, and humans had resumed their conquest of land, they were still hunted
down and killed by the ancient Nords, who eventually forced them underground,
and destroyed almost every piece of ancient Falmer culture in existence. This
is not the end of the story for the Falmer though, as Ursa Uthrax reveals in
her rare text, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Falmer: A Study</i>,
wherein Uthrax tells the tragic history of the Snow Elves after their exile
underground. Apparently, they were taken in by the feared and revered Dwemer,
who had existed below Skyrim for many, many years, by choice, but had created
magnificent cities and works of beauty in their time. Because of this, the Snow Elves saw the Dwemer as their saviors, and praised them constantly, though the
Dwemer were actually just using the Falmer, and fed the Snow Elves toxic fungi
found in the caves, which rendered them, blind, weak, and absolutely
helpless. The Dwemers treachery continued, as they soon made forced the
sightless elves into slavery, keeping them on the same strict diet of toxic
fungi, ensuring that the pathetic state they existed in would pass onto to
their future generations, creating an endless and steady supply of menial
workers that the Dwemer could use, abuse, and kill as they saw fit.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W5qvdDWKbLk/Tv99QF2MKfI/AAAAAAAAAYg/O5Jvt44tvnY/s1600/falmer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W5qvdDWKbLk/Tv99QF2MKfI/AAAAAAAAAYg/O5Jvt44tvnY/s1600/falmer.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Say hello to the elves who make Santa's presents each year.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> As we know
today though, the Dwemer eventually disappeared, all at once, leaving the
Falmer to fend for themselves for generations, their subterranean environment
and handicapped state morphing them into the twisted, goblin-like monsters that
roam the caverns below still. The Nords continued on though, and it was the
Thirteenth of Ysgramor’s dynasty, King Harald, who finally proclaimed Skyrim as
its own independent nation, separating it from Atmora completely. This would
lead to the great expansion, led by Vrage the Gifted, which would in turn aid
in the construction of the great Empire of Man, not to say chicks weren’t
involved as well. The decision of who would be Skyrim’s leader each time one died, caused a furious war at one
time, but it was resolved quickly enough, sadly, not before it damaged the hold
that Skyrim once had on the surrounding provinces of High Rock, Cyrodiil, and
Morrowind. Just about every human in Tamriel now can surely trace their lineage
back to the Nords, who continue to reside in Skyrim, the perilous, cold, tundra
it makes up suiting the Nord’s, renowned for their hardy exteriors, and lust
for battle and hardships.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p1IiXD4S_bc/Tv9-1_QPKZI/AAAAAAAAAY4/c_HqWT5Z2Zw/s1600/skyrim+guard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p1IiXD4S_bc/Tv9-1_QPKZI/AAAAAAAAAY4/c_HqWT5Z2Zw/s1600/skyrim+guard.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ironically, their guards are too weak to take even a simple arrow to the knee.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> Even Tiber Septim, the human who reached Divine status,
and conquered all of Tamriel under the Empire, was born from Nordic blood, but
more importantly, a special line of blood, a special line of blood that made
him an extraordinary person simply from the moment he was born. Septim was a
Dragonborn, one of those born with both human and dragon blood, as well as the
enchantments that go with it, which also imbued the man with the ability to wield
the ancient Nordic power of the Thu’um, and the ability to capture the Souls of
any Dragons he defeated(it also allowed him to wear the Amulet of Kings, which
was later used to determine who would next hold the throne of the Empire, as
only those with Tiber Septim’s blood could possibly wear it [that is until
Martin Septim sacrificed himself to end the Oblivion Crisis at the end of the
Third Era, effectively ending the Septim dynasty forever, though the Dragonborn
bloodline still survived, hidden and unknown]). Now before we go any further, I
feel it necessary to explain exactly what the Ancient Nordic power of the Thu’um
is- yes, it is magic, but unlike the other forms of magic, which required the
user to use their hands, or a scroll, or some other bullshit like that, the Thu’um
empowered the wind, or voice of a person. Still not getting it? Okay let me
draw it out for you: The Thu’um lets you destroy people by SHOUTING AT THEM. That’s
the kind of shit that gives you automatic bad-ass status just by goddamn
association, but it gets even better- Different types of Thu’um are cast by
shouting different words, spoken in dragon tongue, which as the game makes sure
you realize more than once, and for good reason, means that when two dragons
are fighting, breathing fire, or ice or whatever at each other, what they’re
actually doing is SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER. Admittedly, from a detached point of
view, it does sound a bit crazy that what looks like an epic and fantastic
battle could actually just be the product of a really shitty 10 year marriage
held together by the kids, but then you have to remember the fact that bitches
are burning motherfuckers alive by just shouting at them, and just give respect
to the fact that that is fucking bone-shatteringly kick-ass. </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NZ6VUJOtWJc/Tv-AF4VTyZI/AAAAAAAAAZE/QMDG-oTKydw/s1600/two+dragons+fighting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NZ6VUJOtWJc/Tv-AF4VTyZI/AAAAAAAAAZE/QMDG-oTKydw/s1600/two+dragons+fighting.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These two are gonna have great make up sex.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Tiber Septim used
the Thu’um more than once in his time, and the leader of the Stormcloak
rebellion, Jarl Ulfrik Stormcloak, actually used it to kill the High King of
Skyrim, inciting Skyrim’s current civil war. And here is where I’ll end this
essay, as what happens next is different for everyone, everyone who chooses to
get their shit together, buy Skyrim, insert it into their gaming platform
device, and instantly grow two enormous brass balls for all to admire as you
quest the hours away. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-60030057330452598862011-12-31T09:17:00.000-08:002011-12-31T09:17:51.973-08:00The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><i>This is a tale that you humans have passed down through generations...</i></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">-Fi</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-68cWdMF6poI/Tv9BaMMGlgI/AAAAAAAAAW0/ji3z-3nMqnA/s1600/LoZSS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-68cWdMF6poI/Tv9BaMMGlgI/AAAAAAAAAW0/ji3z-3nMqnA/s1600/LoZSS.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="Standard" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s
been five years since the last major console Zelda game, Twilight Princess.
Twilight Princess is actually my favorite Zelda game, as it was the first one I
ever owned. I never really got around to finishing/buying Ocarina of Time,
Majora’s Mask, Wind Waker, or any of the handheld spin-offs, so, I may not be
truly qualified to review Skyward Sword. All I can give you is an unbiased
review from the perspective of an average gamer who is somewhat educated in the
Legend of Zelda series. By now, you’ve probably read a bunch of reviews
claiming how Skyward Sword is the “true successor” to Ocarina of Time, and how
it evolved off of what Ocarina did, instead of just repeating it. Whether
Skyward Sword is better than Ocarina of Time is completely your own opinion.
But there is no denying that Skyward Sword is a fantastic game, filled with
charm, memorable moments, and other great things. One thing you should know
about this game, if you’ve never played a Zelda game before, is that this is
not some mediocre “family game” for the dimwitted parents who bought a Wii for
their children. This is not some game where you play generic mini games and
stand up, pretending to be fully energetic, and fling your arms wildly with
your family. This game is an experience, it’s an adventure, <b>and it has a
story to tell</b>. Trust me; this is a game where you wanna play by yourself. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">The
first thing I noticed about Skyward Sword, is just how beautiful the game is. I
have to give credit to Nintendo for working with the Wii’s graphical limitations.
SS goes for a “watercolour painting” art style, and it achieves it flawlessly. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3gfyOzlEOGc/Tv9AT6t6xJI/AAAAAAAAAWE/myo3N6inMMI/s1600/LoZSS+Skyloft.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3gfyOzlEOGc/Tv9AT6t6xJI/AAAAAAAAAWE/myo3N6inMMI/s320/LoZSS+Skyloft.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="Standard" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">As you fly towards
Skyloft, you will truly be amazed how it fades in without any frame rate
issues, the same goes for all the scenery in the background. I don't know how
much more I can stress this, but the art style in this game is amazing, I’m not
just talking about the background scenery fading in; I'm talking about the
scenery up close, Nintendo has done a fantastic job of creating the mood of
each environment. As you travel from Skyloft, to Faron Woods, to Laryaun (or
however it’s spelled) Desert, the mood and atmosphere is always changing, and
never fails to fully immerse you into the world. The same goes for all the
dungeons and boss battles. I also have to give credit to the game’s soundtrack.
Each area and boss has a certain soundtrack to it that helps to create the
mood. Oh, and speaking of boss battles, they’re epic, but you already know
that. In true Zelda fashion, the boss battles are always on a huge scale, but
in SS, there are a few twists to this formula. The games main antagonist, the
Demon Lord Ghirahim, is the first boss battle within the game. Unlike other the
bosses, which are usually ten times the size of Link, Ghirahim is around the
same size as Link, and during the entire battle he simply walks around,
displaying a very calm and gentleman-like manner. The battle against Ghirahim
is on a very small scale, but this is a nice little twist to the Zelda
formula. </span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-69-H60vfrHo/Tv9Aa38O7TI/AAAAAAAAAWQ/4ObkUVMGbvc/s1600/LoZSS+Ghirahim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-69-H60vfrHo/Tv9Aa38O7TI/AAAAAAAAAWQ/4ObkUVMGbvc/s320/LoZSS+Ghirahim.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"></span></div>
<div class="Standard" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">The other boss battles
are on a much bigger scale, and over all they aren’t impossibly difficult, but
still offer a challenging experience. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Standard" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> I almost forgot to talk about the game’s story, as the
stories in all of the Zelda games are good and keep the player engaged. In the
Legend of Zelda timeline, Skyward Sword comes first, right before Ocarina, so the
beginning of the game takes place in Skyloft, an island in the clouds, and just
like all Zelda games, you play as Link, or a reincarnation of Link, or
something like that. In SS, Link is a student at the Knight Academy along with
Zelda, who shares a very close and deep friendship with him. When Link and Zelda
are flying together on their Loftwings, a tornado comes out of nowhere and
sucks Zelda down to the surface. I don’t want to spoil the story for you, but
just so you know, like all the other Zelda games, the first 15-30 minutes are
usually pretty boring, as you’ll be running around the starting area,
performing tasks for the villagers, learning the basics, etc. I really wasn't
bored with the beginning of Skyward Sword, as the characters you’re interacting
with have a certain charm to them, that make performing their tasks some-what
less boring. Hell, there’s even a “Biff” like character named Groose who envies
Link’s and Zelda’s friendship (Back to the Future kids). </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BmRGyKiw19U/Tv9Ai8DydWI/AAAAAAAAAWc/JrOEGQE6Q20/s1600/LoZSS+Biff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BmRGyKiw19U/Tv9Ai8DydWI/AAAAAAAAAWc/JrOEGQE6Q20/s320/LoZSS+Biff.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"></span></div>
<div class="Standard" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">After Zelda’s
disappearance, most of the game is about Link searching for her, and that’s all
I’m really gonna say, but just to let you know, the story in SS is very good,
as you learn about who Link and Zelda are, you will also learn the origins of
the Master Sword and Ganondorf. I also have to talk about the major
improvements Nintendo has made in animating the cut scenes for this game. The
cut scenes in this game are truly amazing in their size/scope and fluid
animation of the characters on screen, when performing actions and displaying
emotions. Seriously, at times I felt as if I was watching the best Legend of
Zelda movie that was never made.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Standard" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> Another important thing you should know about Skyward
Sword, is that it is the first Zelda game built from the ground up for the Wii,
which means that they built this game with motion control in mind. The last
Zelda game that featured motion control was Twilight Princess, and it didn't
fully deliver the level of immersion Nintendo said it would. The flaw in TP’s
motion controls was that the player could simply flick their wrist in any
direction and Link would swing his sword left to right, the controls weren’t
broken or anything like that, it just wasn't as amazing as Nintendo hyped it
up. In Skyward Sword, thanks to the Wii motion plus, when you swing the Wii
remote in a certain direction, Link will also swing his sword in that
direction, you won’t necessarily be standing up and swinging your arms in the
air wildly like in the commercials, but you will have to take into
consideration the direction in which you flick your wrist when facing certain
enemies. This is another thing that Skyward Sword does great, sure, Link will
swing his sword the way you swing the remote, big deal, I’ll still just swing
my Wii remote in any direction I want to slash away at my enemies. WRONG! You
cannot do this, as enemies will react and block your incoming attack, this
forces you to wait for your enemy to expose himself and attack at the right
angle. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Vinik3mnvPk/Tv9AoDvb86I/AAAAAAAAAWo/RTb_swVieqI/s1600/LoZSS+Fighting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Vinik3mnvPk/Tv9AoDvb86I/AAAAAAAAAWo/RTb_swVieqI/s320/LoZSS+Fighting.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> This mechanic works great, and
fully utilizes the Wii’s motion controls. This will however take some time to
get used to, if you’re like me, and played a lot of Twilight Princess on the
Wii, and are used to just flicking the Wii remote in any direction. But once
you get used to it, you’ll never want to go back to a regular controller for a while.
</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Standard" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> The last thing I want to talk about is the inclusion of
RPG elements. The Zelda games have mostly been just “Action-Adventure” games
with very light RPG mechanics, Skyward Sword however, takes it a step further
by adding the ability to upgrade Link’s equipment, such as his shield. I was a
bit worried at first, as I thought that Nintendo put this into the game simply
to pad it out (make it longer) by forcing the player to go and grind/farm for
the materials necessary to upgrade Link’s shield. But that is not the case, as
this ability to upgrade Links shield and other equipment is completely
optional, in fact, you could actually try and beat the game without a shield! (This
of course would be incredibly difficult). If you do choose to try and upgrade
Link’s equipment, you will benefit from this, as the upgrades actually are
significant, and will make the game significantly easier for you. Some of the
benefits include making your shield stronger, so it can take more damage before
breaking, or increasing the damage and zoom in of your bow. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Standard" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> Just like all the other Zelda games, it’s not so much
about that conclusion of the story that makes the game memorable, but the
journey to the conclusion that makes the game memorable. Skyward Sword is a
fantastic journey from start to finish, the story is great, the characters are
charming and memorable (despite there being no voice acting!), and the game is
an absolute blast to play. It will most likely last you about 30-40 hours,
depending on whether or not you do all the side missions, or explore all of the
areas thoroughly. At the end of my play through of Skyward Sword, I had almost
no complaints. I couldn't think of a single thing the game did wrong. One minor
complaint I do have is that three of the boss battles in the game are a bit
repetitive and frustrating, but this pales in comparison to what the game
achieves successfully, which is why I give Skyward Sword:</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Standard" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">10/10 - Truly an
amazing game to experience </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qap-oz5ToKU/Tv9Do8My3lI/AAAAAAAAAXM/1Hyw6PerRSM/s1600/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qap-oz5ToKU/Tv9Do8My3lI/AAAAAAAAAXM/1Hyw6PerRSM/s320/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span id="goog_150391725"></span><span id="goog_150391726"></span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">You buy now, yes? </span></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-38054968151562492882011-12-23T18:02:00.001-08:002011-12-23T18:02:33.882-08:00Doctor Who Christmas Special<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br /></div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-61132588211998095532011-12-18T16:23:00.000-08:002011-12-18T16:23:52.379-08:00The History of Chingis Khan and the Mongol Empire<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>"All who surrender will be spared;
whoever does not surrender but opposed with struggle and dissension, shall be
annihilated."</i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
-
Chingis Khan</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCzcNM_8CtZIOr2ntnaBNLGiP_4vs7Fv8eyf0E9N3FI1cgwR4Qhtvi3ZMio9BRngGtVrKKjNUa6hr1zWqDBiIyg8roWxZL6zT33m859midD58mRisLoQnm4gR2dJEp4W2bQ34pgwARNkaE/s1600/genghis+khan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCzcNM_8CtZIOr2ntnaBNLGiP_4vs7Fv8eyf0E9N3FI1cgwR4Qhtvi3ZMio9BRngGtVrKKjNUa6hr1zWqDBiIyg8roWxZL6zT33m859midD58mRisLoQnm4gR2dJEp4W2bQ34pgwARNkaE/s1600/genghis+khan.jpg" /></a></div>
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</div>
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The great empires of the world, the
grand societies whose actions make up our shared human history, have risen and
fallen like the sun and the moon, from their very inception, their eventual
downfall was inevitable. For this reason, human history has based it’s
judgments of these cultures not on how much time they each managed to survive,
but on what they did with this time, on what actions and decisions they made,
that would come to forge the path to the world we know now. From the Greeks,
who gave birth to early civilization, to the Romans, whose armies claimed land
all across the globe, and whose gov’t would come to invent politics still used
today, how the past civilizations are remembered relies completely on how
remarkable their actions were… except in one big case. The Great Mongol Empire
began with only several people to its name, but thanks to wise and brave leadership,
in less than a lifetime, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mongol_Empire_map.gif">it became the largest empire in history</a>, with a fair
and civil society, that was only outdone by it’s famous military, which was
feared and revered in its time for unique battle strategies, and relentless
soldiers. Yet when people think of them today, they’re remembered as filthy
disgusting barbarians who got trumped by some stupid wall, and now lie in
between Russia and China, like one
big commie sandwich.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh05lpN53x2AaJXavB_bjUKYZcC0f-DQhUZwsw2Kz7hFm-Vo3J7QgOkE4MjWHXYEnWlHAIhGiie0z0eD9pNUSfPU0l0dVAOKKWqgwT6SFafbb4fTObHhb6chpcol1WZTmVrKfhByvNdDkOa/s1600/mongolia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh05lpN53x2AaJXavB_bjUKYZcC0f-DQhUZwsw2Kz7hFm-Vo3J7QgOkE4MjWHXYEnWlHAIhGiie0z0eD9pNUSfPU0l0dVAOKKWqgwT6SFafbb4fTObHhb6chpcol1WZTmVrKfhByvNdDkOa/s1600/mongolia.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The irony of being stuck between the largest country and the most populated country is not lost on Mongolia.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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And their wise and brave leader, Chingis Khan (who
dip-shits today call Ghengis)- his most famous cultural reference is in <i>Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure</i>, a
good movie, but in it he just clowns around in a sporting goods store, and as
far as speaking lines go, all he does is make a few incomprehensible grunts now
and again, not to mention the fact that in the movie he’s apparently so dumb
that all Bill and Ted have to do to get him to walk into their mysterious magic
phonebox is wave a fucking twinkie at him, and then lead him back, like he’s
some kind of super-huge muscle-ridden labradoodle. But the real story real
story behind Khan and his people- well, it’s the true underdog story, romantic,
emotional, and a genuine tearjerker for any of those who have ever felt like
they kind of just want to rule the whole entire world. With that said, allow me
to finally begin our tale of conquest, glory, and the man who would change the
face of the world: in 1167, the man who would become Chingis Khan was born in a
shitty little tent (called a Yurt) in the steppes of Mongolia, basically the boondocks of Asia,
to Chief Yesugei, who lead the rather weak Mongol Kiyad-Sub Clan. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWCYvEvPtDFgt9bWtRbYMpWf6b_gr42wMAPh8jvjG00MaQkKAssBFYFrvMdpnv4GZnZYdAlaiNhooQoIqJwB1httABC3ZvDNn9BR15oKljqPxie89UsCcbRpSDBk04L8mKJKhxKJMhm686/s1600/yurt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWCYvEvPtDFgt9bWtRbYMpWf6b_gr42wMAPh8jvjG00MaQkKAssBFYFrvMdpnv4GZnZYdAlaiNhooQoIqJwB1httABC3ZvDNn9BR15oKljqPxie89UsCcbRpSDBk04L8mKJKhxKJMhm686/s1600/yurt.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Step 1) Be Born. Step 2)??? Step 3) World Domination.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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To give you
an accurate idea of just how weak a dominion our young Chingis, who was then
known only as Temujin, his birth name, was born into, allow me to give you a
little early Mongol history lesson to suck on for a bit: in the 12<sup>th</sup>
century, many nomadic tribes roamed the mountainous northern steppes of
Mongolia, one of these tribes actually being the Mongols, who gained a short
term of power around 1130, when they managed to not only defeat a large number
of the opposing tribes, but even rough the Jin Empire of Northern China up
enough to make them pay tribute to their tribe. Sadly, their MVP status was
destroyed when neighboring Tartar tribes finally managed to knock them down a
peg, shattering their entire kingdom, splitting them into even smaller clans
that resumed fighting between each other as they had before. And Temujin’s
clan- well let’s just say they weren’t exactly the cleanest stall in the
bathroom, that is to say, they had been shit on so many times by so many other
tribes, that just surviving was a pretty optimistic outlook for them, let alone
somehow defeating their enemies. Temujin learned just the kind of people he was
up against at the young age of nine years old, when his father was poisoned by
Tartar chiefs, killing the man, and leaving the Kiyad-Sub Clan without a proper
leader. Temujin was his father’s only possible heir, but that was out of the
question since, once again, he was fucking nine years old, he had less battle
experience than he had hair on his body, so his clan ended up dipping out on
him and his family, who were forced to move to the more deserted areas of the
steppes.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPalPf5uLXUPJgDIVACUzZckDaa2yWlvE-AcGJ8oiGt8zqJ42lfkZrbvfJAyYizAJPrsdeAnjJ_MEIeuj84DxftGorKepD2YdtNDF-Qm6kHWnLfNAhFJKP_nwcRnNrLUY1NE7hvX07Xbhz/s1600/mongolian+child.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPalPf5uLXUPJgDIVACUzZckDaa2yWlvE-AcGJ8oiGt8zqJ42lfkZrbvfJAyYizAJPrsdeAnjJ_MEIeuj84DxftGorKepD2YdtNDF-Qm6kHWnLfNAhFJKP_nwcRnNrLUY1NE7hvX07Xbhz/s1600/mongolian+child.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Somehow the horse makes him seem even less intimidating.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Still, even though he was forced to live like some kind of 12<sup>th</sup>
century ghetto motherfucker, eating rats and plants and shit, Temujin managed
to grow into a strong, wise, and totally insane force of 100% natural
badassitude. Unfortunately, despite the fact that in a fair fight he and his five men could
literally destroy any motherfucker who dared to give them a nasty look, the
tribal system of the 12<sup>th</sup> century Mongolian steppes (and correct me
if I’m wrong here but actually the tribal system of any time or place in
history) wasn’t about playing fair, it was about the same thing our modern High
School system is about: getting that ass, and screwing over the weak nerdy guys
to do it. So one day, when Temujin was 16, his family was attacked by the
Merkid Tribe, who trashed his camp, and then kidnapped his wife for good
measure, not realizing that Temujin, who’d been fucked with by tribal dickheads
just like the Merkids all his life, had a limit, and when they stole his wife,
they didn’t just step over it, they fucking catapulted themselves so far across
it that they would pray for death when Temujin got done with them. The first
thing he did was call in some old friends of his father’s, the Kereyid Tribe,
who in turn called in some help from one of the higher ups, a Mongol coalition
leader by the name of Jamugha, who also happened to be a childhood friend of
Temujin’s. It was basically like having a High School Reunion, except you and your friends decided to murder everybody. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhrCySxB7H9MvLj4aYPOBTNn-UvWPV6WMVL9vjj6ez9s5fvmX9V0jgtBHHYd8_a9_Byi6yre4TDpSPSlhz64mHSEzKPnfmrFqQAqU-MnaOd6CJ7YrHAZQ_pKJY7QFRtvG06TVBWMiDG7Nt/s1600/mongol+warriors.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhrCySxB7H9MvLj4aYPOBTNn-UvWPV6WMVL9vjj6ez9s5fvmX9V0jgtBHHYd8_a9_Byi6yre4TDpSPSlhz64mHSEzKPnfmrFqQAqU-MnaOd6CJ7YrHAZQ_pKJY7QFRtvG06TVBWMiDG7Nt/s1600/mongol+warriors.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Class of 1184</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Together, they reclaimed Temujin’s wife, and stuck their fists so
far up the individual assholes of each and every Merkid that nobody in the
tribe could sit down for weeks. Temujin, Jamugha, and to a lesser extent, the
Kereyid Tribe, decided to stick together, and continued to rape the minds of
each and every other tribe in the steppes, until they had control over most of
the Mongol clans, but as far as Temujin was concerned, being known as “lord of
all the peoples dwelling in felt tents,” was like getting first prize in a race
against a bunch of fat kids, and he wouldn’t be satisfied until he had control
over the entire world. This created a separation between Temujin and Jamugha,
which came to a head one day when apparently, while the two were leading their
Mongols onto their next conquest, Jamugha bitched about wanting to stop and
rest, and stopped to pitch tent, while Temujin, who’d apparently had it with
putting up with this pussy, just “kept going.” </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhja8h5-srj-aaWV1H4Unsz936LscQY71ZWOyWZ3klEAHvEkcEbGvjW4EK0uZmlLN9U_PS6pCViIIbgU03tblcuR4L7SKqVG_ecIcx6EgKMqyN2tbIS-wPKUW0z9pHfSgzq2DK_dhZIjpXQ/s1600/mongols+hurry+up.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhja8h5-srj-aaWV1H4Unsz936LscQY71ZWOyWZ3klEAHvEkcEbGvjW4EK0uZmlLN9U_PS6pCViIIbgU03tblcuR4L7SKqVG_ecIcx6EgKMqyN2tbIS-wPKUW0z9pHfSgzq2DK_dhZIjpXQ/s1600/mongols+hurry+up.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NO! We had bathroom breaks an hour ago, now MOVE YOUR ASS!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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From that day on, the Mongols
were divided into two groups, and started fighting, until eventually, Temujin
was defeated in battle, and was forced into exile. He took ten years or so to
cool his jets, trained himself to somehow become even more badass, so that when
he returned, he quickly got back to doing what he did best: conquering the
world, one uppity motherfucker at a time. By 1204, Temujin had defeated and
subjugated each and every single tribe in the steppes, and in 1206, he took the
title of Chingis Khan, which roughly translates to, ‘Firm, Resolute Leader,’
which, call me immature all you want, I have a hard time not seeing as an
obvious dick reference. Proving just how great a leader he truly was, his first
actions as the new ruler of the Mongolian Empire were to instate laws and customs
meant to not only unite the many tribes he had conquered, but to form them into
a military superstructure that would strengthen his armies exponentially, as
well as protect his claimed people, and insure that should his invasions fail,
the entire empire would not once again be disbanded like their ancestors. He
also created an administrative hierarchy (with him and his friends at the
tippity top of course), and numerous other laws meant to establish order, and
end the nomadic society his people had lived for hundreds of years, essentially
forming the most advanced form of gov’t ever seen on the steps up to that
point. It was also a very just, and peaceful gov’t, that reflected Chingis Khan
himself, for while he did show little remorse when it came to murdering his
many enemies, he was always known to be very merciful after his enemies defeat,
forbidding his men to rape or pillage without his expressed permission, and was
also known to give the spoils of his conquests back to the many poor and needy
of his people, instead of just the aristocratic few. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOrx9Z_UJEok-mY0S4BGguT-ODPc6XGFtINoDUAtb9xJfxvBRyfC7Zw_w5RTrBEUPz61eSQBdUKCwBJfpa6JgZfKtM6CSt8LX05PjWT-Pj-x_-av61038wjZtmIFEVRQkyyQYcQtRI1Q7r/s1600/mongolians+charge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOrx9Z_UJEok-mY0S4BGguT-ODPc6XGFtINoDUAtb9xJfxvBRyfC7Zw_w5RTrBEUPz61eSQBdUKCwBJfpa6JgZfKtM6CSt8LX05PjWT-Pj-x_-av61038wjZtmIFEVRQkyyQYcQtRI1Q7r/s1600/mongolians+charge.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor. Chingis Khan just stole from everybody and gave to the poor.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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These noble traits, as
well as many others, are present in the laws he created, that forbade theft,
the selling of women, and not only gave religious and social freedom to his
people, but exempted those too poor to support themselves, as well as the
clergy, from taxation, all of which drew many oppressed and segregated
minorities to the Mongol Empire, such as Christians, Muslims, and Buddhists.
And most importantly, the result of his applied changes to the military system
of the time, The Mongol Hordes, Chingis Khan’s army of pure-bred Mongolian
badasses, ferocious and strictly organized soldiers, whose balls were so big
that their system for taming the horses they rode into battle, was by just
walking around the horse a couple times and emasculating them. Now originally,
Chingis was going to be cool, and just raid the Jin Empire of Northern China a
couple times every now and again, and force them to pay tribute to the Mongols
in return for peace, but the Jin Empire, being made up of spineless, foolish
little weasels, always quit paying tribute when they heard that the Mongols
had gone back home after a raid. Tired of dealing with their bullshit, Chingis
organized his entire army of 65,000 men, and marched their asses across the
Gobi Desert, the fourth largest desert in he world, to go give the Jins a piece
of their minds (and by minds they meant fists).</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwCVzYDMyLFR9qffkc1QOkNDkVJ_gi4f07Oik3NGyIXBzMaWPS8U2T0D2KT0rNfuf8VwbUiIWs-hcqzZb2hZzRyKLm9iLzXNir-WBgSqyAvczb6FvVaYuFVUzsQBcrTpvwUm7cdWCErZ1g/s1600/gobi+desert.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwCVzYDMyLFR9qffkc1QOkNDkVJ_gi4f07Oik3NGyIXBzMaWPS8U2T0D2KT0rNfuf8VwbUiIWs-hcqzZb2hZzRyKLm9iLzXNir-WBgSqyAvczb6FvVaYuFVUzsQBcrTpvwUm7cdWCErZ1g/s1600/gobi+desert.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Remind me again why people thought they could somehow be stopped by a wall?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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With the help of the Jin’s
neighbors, the Ongguts, The Mongol Hordes easily got past the empire’s
defenses, and marched all through the land, pillaging, looting, and destroying
anyone or anything in their path, even decimating a force of Jin warriors
150,000 men strong (though more like zero men strong by the time the Mongols
were done with them). Chingis used superior tactics and strategy to severely
weaken the Jin, until on a siege, he was seriously wounded, and was forced to
withdraw back to Mongolia
to heal, time that the Jin used to repair their defenses. Which were promptly
destroyed once again when the Mongols returned even stronger only one year
later, this time with three different army forces attacking at once, one
commanded by himself, the other two commanded by his two oldest sons (call it
nepotism all you want, Chingis Khan is officially father of the year FOREVER),
who helped conquer so much land in only one year, that by 1214 most of the area
north of the Yellow River was under Mongolian control, all except for the Jin
Empire capital city of Chungdu, which withstood the assault of the Hordes,
mostly because the city was very heavily fortified, and gave Chingis’ cavalry
forces (which aren’t designed for siege warfare) a huge disadvantage. Still, it
was the capital city, it would give the Mongolian Empire an enormous upper-hand
in future battles, and would finally end the Jin Empire once and for all- it
was like the last level in an old SNES generation videogame, if he gave up now,
then all that time and effort was for nothing, and all the butthurt in the
world wouldn’t change that.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSzE_K6KcQou-N3KKUIFe-sKLR6QlVT4LJ4A9lIfVz5Ukkg9pZjWP0Z3imuLoLhbRQZySQHYWcttytfTPkF7UkV5fFMCcuPs7C64UzNNZG2-CnwnROdSCPnEPHVS9cuVH0hyphenhyphen-szMBh9Hd-/s1600/gta+san+andreas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSzE_K6KcQou-N3KKUIFe-sKLR6QlVT4LJ4A9lIfVz5Ukkg9pZjWP0Z3imuLoLhbRQZySQHYWcttytfTPkF7UkV5fFMCcuPs7C64UzNNZG2-CnwnROdSCPnEPHVS9cuVH0hyphenhyphen-szMBh9Hd-/s1600/gta+san+andreas.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All we had to do, was conquer the damn city, CK!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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So in a state of almost frenzied madness, Chingis
refused to give up, throwing almost everyone of his forces at the city,
only to have each one die without making a substantial enough impact. Finally,
he was forced to concede, and left one of his generals in charge of the siege,
which finally succeeded in 1215, not that it really mattered since by then the
Jin capital had changed to Kai-feng. Tired of fucking around with China,
Chingis decided to look west, and started sending forces to combat and conquer
smaller empires like the Kara Khitai, until Kwarazmian Empire in Persia decided
to send a huge middle finger Mongolia’s way by attacking and publicly
humiliating the caravan of peace ambassadors Chingis had sent to them. This
understandably pissed Chingis off so much, that he assembled almost every
available force in his empire, a force of about 90-110,000 men, and lead them
to go show the Kwarazm Shah why it would have been in their best interests not
to fucking murder their only chance at making him their friend. Now the Kwarazm
Shah did posses a military force about two thirds larger than the Mongols, as
well as many very well fortified garrisons throughout the empire, but what the
Mongols lacked in size, they also lacked in the amount of fucks they gave about
the odds, they had discipline and brilliant strategy on their side. The KS
learned this firsthand when Chingis lead his branch of troops through the
goddamn desert (which they hadn’t exactly expected because it’s considered a
bit impractical to march a large group of soldiers through the desert as
they’re kind of supposed to fall victim to dehydration, heatstroke, losing
their direction, and extreme demoralization. Like regular humans), and
completely surprised the city of Bokhara, who just about shit their pants when
they woke up one morning to find Chingis and his troops on their doorstep,
leaving them too busy trying to change their slacks during the battle to
organize, and for such reason, were quickly defeated. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlRcumIEd0Df0Gema4b7NWyyoLR0LFLbzdSqJ41htIJjs-58c1MIuI78mRW0pmZEprm73O4h1Dvkp4nBqq81sPlIpH49mt_Md7kxFiadoQ3HMd24ZVMoUdlXyb1VpV0d2xnEVzl-W8xyXW/s1600/surprise%2521.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlRcumIEd0Df0Gema4b7NWyyoLR0LFLbzdSqJ41htIJjs-58c1MIuI78mRW0pmZEprm73O4h1Dvkp4nBqq81sPlIpH49mt_Md7kxFiadoQ3HMd24ZVMoUdlXyb1VpV0d2xnEVzl-W8xyXW/s1600/surprise%2521.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Surprise!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Many others cities fell
on their path to the capital, as the KS kept trying to throw troops at them to
slow them down, which instead only seemed to make them more pissed off, so much
so that by the time they did reach Samarkand, the capital, it became
immediately obvious that shit wasn’t the only thing that was going to go down.
With the number of Chingis’ forces, and the unheard of number of fortifications
in the city, it was expected to take them <i>at
least </i>several months to breach the walls, but the Mongols, their hearts
filled with rage, and their fists filled with all kinds of swords and knives
and shit, breached the walls in just ten goddamn days, officially redeeming
them for their incident at Chungdu, and expanding their empire all the way to
the edge of Europe and the Middle East. Sadly, Chingis was approaching the old
age of sixty, and he was starting to realize when he looked at the map that if
he wanted to conquer the world, he still had a ways to go, and it wasn’t
looking like he’d have the time to do it. At first Chingis sought an elixir of
immortality he’d heard a legendary monk possessed, but instead, he found out from the monk himself that the elixir did not exist, still, the two became
close friends, and Chingis was inspired by the monk’s praise of his wisdom to
return to his more administrative priorities as leader, setting up a plan for
the future of his empire to insure that it would not only stay strong, but
continue to grow stronger, and expand long after he had passed. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf9Q2qkhecI_EefvOpO2aY1h3IlhDq8v3bbJhgyAg3zBhDq6GxkJpJvb_8d8S3DpS7nGfxGQyINaCNdxOu2TPVGCrYqMJ1A7oMnp9EEt8tPDPByt_I_JhhyphenhyphenDWoj3lkHl0WGC79zwNwm1-y/s1600/V8+juice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf9Q2qkhecI_EefvOpO2aY1h3IlhDq8v3bbJhgyAg3zBhDq6GxkJpJvb_8d8S3DpS7nGfxGQyINaCNdxOu2TPVGCrYqMJ1A7oMnp9EEt8tPDPByt_I_JhhyphenhyphenDWoj3lkHl0WGC79zwNwm1-y/s1600/V8+juice.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm pretty sure this was what he was thinking of, but he probably would've preferred death anyway. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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But even age
couldn’t weaken Chingis’ completely badass nature, and so, when nearing the end
of his life, he heard that the Tangut Xi Xia Empire, which had been one of the
first empires defeated by Chingis on his road to world-domination (though it
became a tributary to the Mongols, and was never officially annexed), had
stopped paying tribute in defiance of the Mongols, he personally rode out with
his army to capture the Xi Xia capital in 1226, a fitting final conquest for
the man who’d claimed more land in his lifetime than any that has ever lived
(especially considering the fact that it all started with just him and like,
five other dudes). He finally passed away in August of 1227, at the age of 60,
his son Ogedei succeeding him as Khan. Chingis’ descendants would continue to
expand the empire, and like their original Khan, would remember to fight those
who opposed them mercilessly, but show restraint, and providence to their
people, and those who complied to Mongolian subjugation, a trait that not only
aided their generation-spanning conquests, but also united the very different,
and separated cultures they covered, which, even after the Mongolian Empire
receded, created a lasting bond between the different peoples all across Asia,
Europe, and the Middle East. Chingis Khan may not be remembered all too kindly
for his accomplishments, for whatever benefits they brought about, came very
high costs, like, for example, <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2011/11/06/opinion/06atrocities_timeline.html?ref=sunday">the death of 11% percent of the world population</a>
(though to be fair I believe <a href="http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/02/0214_030214_genghis.html">Chingis did what he could to make up for that</a>),
and the destruction of hundreds of precious artifacts, tomes of knowledge, and
ancient architectural structures we might have been able to see now, in our
modern age. At the same time, if he hadn’t, who knows what we would have lost?
In the end, we can’t simply crucify the man, and we most certainly can’t
dismiss, or forget all the astounding things he did in his lifetime, which
still affect us so much to this day.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSN4pOUxzhIu2BaAD_X_xQoS3GCJwTGPDN2s2En0_bWpVePb4rEKAFrSuIfn0E4oK-AwNxP2J8VVbkznTT_ECq73EXfL2osPbShGpd2UwNWl6ki7264JCPvYTJaWeKweu-iemdhpKcqLmV/s1600/chingis+khan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSN4pOUxzhIu2BaAD_X_xQoS3GCJwTGPDN2s2En0_bWpVePb4rEKAFrSuIfn0E4oK-AwNxP2J8VVbkznTT_ECq73EXfL2osPbShGpd2UwNWl6ki7264JCPvYTJaWeKweu-iemdhpKcqLmV/s1600/chingis+khan.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm just a simple man with dreams of ruling the world.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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References:</div>
<a href="http://franklaughter.tripod.com/cgi-bin/histprof/misc/mongol.html">http://franklaughter.tripod.com/cgi-bin/histprof/misc/mongol.html</a><br />
<a href="http://www.allempires.com/article/index.php?q=The_Mongol_Empire">http://www.allempires.com/article/index.php?q=The_Mongol_Empire </a><br />
<a href="http://www.metmuseum.org/toah/hd/khan1/hd_khan1.htm">http://www.metmuseum.org/toah/hd/khan1/hd_khan1.htm</a><br />
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongol_Empire#Genghis_Khan">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongol_Empire#Genghis_Khan</a> </div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-88715092756391197572011-12-10T11:28:00.000-08:002011-12-10T12:21:20.832-08:00The History of the Salem Witch Trials<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<i>"I am no witch. I am innocent. I know
nothing of it."</i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: 0.25in; text-align: center;">
- Bridget Bishop</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidbKysuH7ehK3tDbO9tldmWDEU_8-LQUYIDr0Q_qE49ICi-hjzE16RST5ag9wuZIbYNadf9SNakx8XSSBrzgGeZtT0fsouwoexSpCpDtHGqLkVhbWyx5c-bVTu83eGV7Kj5vRYJJw1nSzX/s1600/salem+witch+trials.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidbKysuH7ehK3tDbO9tldmWDEU_8-LQUYIDr0Q_qE49ICi-hjzE16RST5ag9wuZIbYNadf9SNakx8XSSBrzgGeZtT0fsouwoexSpCpDtHGqLkVhbWyx5c-bVTu83eGV7Kj5vRYJJw1nSzX/s1600/salem+witch+trials.jpg" /></a></div>
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</div>
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Now y’all know my
stance on humanity, I think that humans, and just about everything they create
(no matter how fucked up and evil), are pretty goddamn awe-inspiring. And
that’s why shit like the Salem Witch Trials is so much more painful to me, and
people like me, due to the fact that it represents the true, despairingly
ignorant cruelty of your average collection of human people, and the lengths
they will go to actually protect that ignorance that allows them to continue to
live their lives as such. The Salem Witch Trials is right up there with shit
like the Holocaust and The Bernie Madoff Scandal, in the sheer infamy of how
such grand evil can be committed by such ordinary men and women, for simple
preservation of self. And as much as we hate it, we have to continue to
remember it, so that hopefully we’ll be able to recognize it the next time it
happens, as Arthur Miller so accurately portrayed in his Red-Scare criticizing
play-script, The Crucible (not that I’m reading it in class or anything, that
wouldn’t happen to be what drove me to write the essay at <i>all</i>). </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_uY_kOkn7CwYLUE8nQ7nuHNfTOs6c5VgbFUTCUnf-5C7LNlyLgRGlQhiwafp1zK3z3iQmosEClqIzWjw7Dbh2aRkE9SjMdnP9jAOolaw_91oJekohOTwxy4u0NzmTqrS1ykywYeDeu6xD/s1600/the+crucible.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_uY_kOkn7CwYLUE8nQ7nuHNfTOs6c5VgbFUTCUnf-5C7LNlyLgRGlQhiwafp1zK3z3iQmosEClqIzWjw7Dbh2aRkE9SjMdnP9jAOolaw_91oJekohOTwxy4u0NzmTqrS1ykywYeDeu6xD/s1600/the+crucible.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The greatest story of Commie-Witches ever told.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Of course, we’ll probably try and swipe it under the rug
later on in the future when we’re being examined for a spot on the Intergalactic
Alliance Council or whatever, but that only goes to prove my point of what an
ugly blemish this series of events was to humanity as a whole. And it was all
thanks to a bunch of religious nuts living in a shitty little town in colonial Massachusetts.</div>
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The whole
thing lasted about a year, starting and ending between 1692, and 1693, not
exactly the most sophisticated of times, but still a pretty civilized period
for the world as a whole, the North American colonies included. People were not
expected to be walking around with loincloths covering their nuts, is what I’m
saying. Though that is probably because the ones in loincloths with shit stains
covering their rear ends, foraging for berries and shit, we’re dead within a
week of participating in such activities, unless they had at least a lifetime
of experience in surviving in such nut-shrivelingly harsh environments, like
the Native Americans (who apparently were pretty fond of the place for some
reason).</div>
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The Puritans had been in America for a while (they were the first
European settlers in fact), but even they hadn’t managed to get used to the
mini-ice-age the strange new continent suffered every winter, where you would
have felt chilly in the most expensive Under Armor money could buy, and all
they had was some cotton dress clothes bullshit, and those silly buckle hats.
So people were getting by, but along with the strict religious doctrine, and
constant threat of attacks by Native Americans, they weren’t exactly the most
chipper group of survivors you were likely to meet, they were essentially a way
more God-Worshiping version of the crew from The Walking Dead.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzmkkRrMcf0H8sDtijH7FwbIpMxd7sAyHzAMhUTbFsUlpCZa9-rIvFLw-Y69e_eFusrIz6xySVCLXZ6oH0AODOv_iiQMNI2B7vXdic-HqZpKGBak7nKKMwMbhge57op1Wp6rLSPQEYGtrK/s1600/the+walking+dead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzmkkRrMcf0H8sDtijH7FwbIpMxd7sAyHzAMhUTbFsUlpCZa9-rIvFLw-Y69e_eFusrIz6xySVCLXZ6oH0AODOv_iiQMNI2B7vXdic-HqZpKGBak7nKKMwMbhge57op1Wp6rLSPQEYGtrK/s1600/the+walking+dead.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><h3 class="r">
<a class="l" href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=video&cd=1&ved=0CEMQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D9_-NfKakS6A&ei=NLXjTqG7Bqnc0QHC8ujQBQ&usg=AFQjCNGC407CZjVhmImvTtVuwOY8T6WuSA&sig2=xNWMAsarr-v5f3D-MlVzOQ"><em>Jesus</em>, <em>Man</em></a></h3>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Now take all
this, their shitty living conditions and such, and add into it all the fact
that the time that wasn’t spent working, was essentially time spent with them
sitting around sticking their thumbs up their asses. There’s not having social
media site, like the kind we have today, and then there’s just having NOTHING,
absolutely no entertainment, AT ALL. In fact, Puritanism supported the idea of
sparse entertainment, in favor of a lifestyle completely centered around
slaving till you died and got to go meet Jesus (unless you didn’t, which was
kind of a coin flip situation really).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
So people did what they do best- they
gossiped. They talked in whispers, small notes passed hand to hand, the whole
thing was actually really silly when you consider the fact that they could have
just talked out in the open at ANYTIME, but their social culture was just that
strict and poorly constructed, that what you ended up with was an entire town
of people acting like little kids passing notes in a classroom when the teacher
had left half an hour ago. This has been theorized by many historians to be a
main contribution to the entire event at Salem,
as well as many authors, once again, Arthur Miller being one of the most
prominent. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Now it would be very easy to just accuse the townsfolk involved in
the whole mess of pure foolishness at its most dangerous, but admittedly, with
such simple-mindedness, also comes a fear of the unnatural, or the unknown. In
a way you almost (emphasize the <u>almost</u>) feel sorry for them, as their
own fear, and inability to just socialize like rational, level-headed people
accumulated a death toll of about 25, a relatively small number to big, fancy,
internet using folk like yourself, but in a very small, isolated community,
this was a sizeable slice of the population decimated, in the name of lunacy. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjKF_i1IAja_XVTgZTR3C4ljcIkTZvwL3yPn49S6y82-imY6PJ3jLZ_0OhFUh82VxCFDHq7wSJiMZpP2W6sZ8wsf_F-mssRHQ6ye5wS0w8IdqwPcA91IT_J1Kf7uKN0ZURa7INQc-33u5D/s1600/salem+village.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjKF_i1IAja_XVTgZTR3C4ljcIkTZvwL3yPn49S6y82-imY6PJ3jLZ_0OhFUh82VxCFDHq7wSJiMZpP2W6sZ8wsf_F-mssRHQ6ye5wS0w8IdqwPcA91IT_J1Kf7uKN0ZURa7INQc-33u5D/s1600/salem+village.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Either they killed each other off or they're just playing hide and seek.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Now don’t get too excited- the Puritans didn’t just up and go nuts on each
other in some town-wide murder rave, to be quite honest, the Salem Witch Trials
were just that, trials, held in a court of law. Like an episode of Law and
Order except in the colonial era. With witches. I promise you, not as awesome
as it sounds, mostly because (and sorry to burst your bubble here creepy kids
who wear black and read twilight in the corner of class every day) WITCHES
DON’T F-ING EXIST. They could have been hunting Santa Claus and the Easter
Bunny and the results would have been the same, except with witches, you didn’t
actually even have to prove magic for them to murder your ass and- oh, I’m just
getting ahead of myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Now where was I before… oh yes! The shitty Puritan
town of Salem.
Now, being a small community (that acted like the early version of Gossip Girl
[I’m assuming, anyway, I mean the title implies some form or another of
gossiping]), most everyone knew each other, and so it was pretty important for
an outsider to make good first impressions, and not be<span> </span>a cock, as that could get you a first class
one-way ticket to pariah-ville, advice that would have better suited Minister
Samuel Parris, who quickly screwed the pooch when, in 1688, he moved to Salem
from Barbados (like moving from Miami, Florida, to just about any town in
Nebraska), after being invited by the village elder John Putnam. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Parris brought
along with him his wife Elizabeth, his six year old daughter Betty, his niece,
Abagail Williams, and his Indian slave Tituba (that’s TITCH-UBA, but have fun
correcting yourself every time you read it as Tit-TUBA for the rest of the
essay). Now, just because he was elected minister doesn’t mean people liked
him, the fact of the matter is that most people hated the guy, on account of
the fact that he’s remembered even now as a greedy, scheming little weasel who
showed up, hated the whole place, but decided he wanted to own it all anyway. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdxtM2ysQmRtZQDgitDAbU5i29AuudZurPfV0dgY119tcb0nYG0HfLGZNIb64Pmv45BOXbJ0eLhUWtKsgVKOsUJ3oSaKPFgwUoz3tTY5jtdHIYs8VrgSPy-LEIAPUTtWjvJrXPfwHAHJZG/s1600/monopoly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdxtM2ysQmRtZQDgitDAbU5i29AuudZurPfV0dgY119tcb0nYG0HfLGZNIb64Pmv45BOXbJ0eLhUWtKsgVKOsUJ3oSaKPFgwUoz3tTY5jtdHIYs8VrgSPy-LEIAPUTtWjvJrXPfwHAHJZG/s1600/monopoly.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Actually, I'm pretty sure that's just a description of the game Monopoly.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
His money-loving ways only further mixed up the community, who were split
between the two most prominent mercantile families of the time, the Putnams and
the Porters, who were both trying to wrest control of the basic leadership
center of the town, the church and its pulpit. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
The years went on, and bitter
rivalries continued to get even bitterer, until the live bomb that was the
social community was fit to explode, louder and grander than this metaphor is
tired and overused. And in the stick-your-nuts-in-a-bucket-of-ice-water cold
winter of 1692, explode they did, all thanks to one little girl who just
couldn’t keep her shit together.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Betty Parris (aka. Weasel Jr.) fell strangely
and instantaneously ill one day, randomly convulsing, running all around the
house, complaining, whining, yelling, and basically acting like that one shitty
kid you see in the Wal-mart, the one who’s mom is too scared to beat him in
public, even though it’s totally what everyone knows needs to be done.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
The
problem being that this was 1692, not 2011, and Puritan kids of the time caught
so many beatings it’s probable that the whole smacking a baby after birth thing
was invented just so those kids could get beat even sooner, effectively meaning
that the wildest Betty should’ve gotten was a small cough, under the covers,
after every-body else had already gone to bed. Her father quickly came to the
same conclusion (well, after he noticed how beating her some more wasn’t
working), and started claiming that Betty had contracted some strange form of
illness (like Brat-itis, or ADSFUD [Attention Deficit SHUT THE FUCK UP
Disorder]). </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYxuyL3OSkLDJ_NbwzK65kDQiPOYSqeqp4GbqD-0QFv8qaV9H6vRL-wVtGZlTFYXEn49zDhml_zHL6FbXShBH4ZNtOj1YhBDyNz95GoNCjrNsppF9DU1smTsLuTyobMr3PN3yC6TbmeGqs/s1600/puritan+girls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYxuyL3OSkLDJ_NbwzK65kDQiPOYSqeqp4GbqD-0QFv8qaV9H6vRL-wVtGZlTFYXEn49zDhml_zHL6FbXShBH4ZNtOj1YhBDyNz95GoNCjrNsppF9DU1smTsLuTyobMr3PN3yC6TbmeGqs/s1600/puritan+girls.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm not sure what these girls are sick with, but I'm pretty sure there's no cure.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Now while it’s easy to say she was faking, many modern doctors have
tried hypothesizing what exactly the girl could have been suffering from,
assuming she wasn’t just trying to pull a fast one on her friends and family.
Nothing has been pinned down yet, but epilepsy is up there, so you know that
shit was serious. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Sadly, people of the time couldn’t even spell epilepsy, let
alone tell you what the hell it was, so when a bunch of other girls around
Betty’s age started acting strangely as well, people got scared, and a doctor
was called to examine them, Dr. William Griggs. Unfortunately, he wasn’t
exactly House, and had clearly gotten his PhD in Bullshit, since his only
diagnosis was ‘Witchery,’ causing everybody to just about lose it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Witches in
Christian literature, which was just about all that the Puritans were allowed
to read, are described as those who hold council with the Devil, and serve
him faithfully, in return being granted the powers to cause strife and evil to
the human population. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsRney88dG_frf0vuelsBRWycpQtRpX_4Tcw2-XTJGocaQluCEQQvmwDb7nrBgvbXOCEcWKJ3Rxi-bk5Ok2sNi9yb2JL7HYYTVQDhOFVjiefIz-TgEZkhyphenhyphenGnq3Feagm70bFBQmngGMfdg5/s1600/kesha.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsRney88dG_frf0vuelsBRWycpQtRpX_4Tcw2-XTJGocaQluCEQQvmwDb7nrBgvbXOCEcWKJ3Rxi-bk5Ok2sNi9yb2JL7HYYTVQDhOFVjiefIz-TgEZkhyphenhyphenGnq3Feagm70bFBQmngGMfdg5/s1600/kesha.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It all makes sense now.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Needless to say, Christians loathe witches, and just in
case you thought Salem was so infamous because it was the only time people have
gone witch hunting, think again- Salem was famous for many reasons, one of them
being that it was only the first witch hunt to be held in the Americas,
witch hunts in Europe had gone on for centuries, since the Dark Ages in fact,
it got to the point where many prisoners who could’ve gotten off scott free,
were then charged with witchery just so they could be burned at the stake.
Witch hunts actually still occur today in some regions of the world, and even
though it’s JK Rowling money-making genius baby, Harry Potter has been banned
by many devout Christian communities since it’s a story that makes light of
witches and wizards, and actually casts them as the heroes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
But enough talking
about how foolish we are today, let’s get back to talking about how foolish we
were back in Salem,
huh? John Hathorne and Jonathan Corwin, local magistrates, were called into to
help with the case, though if their list of suspects during the trials says
anything about them, they were less like professional witch hunters, and more
like those ghost-hunter clowns you see on TV. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
As more and more young girls fell
prey to similar ‘afflictions,’ the town became even more obsessed with the
whole case, and prominent members of the community began pleading with the
girls to reveal who was pulling this bewitching shit on them, so they could
send those sons of witches (see what I did there?) straight back to hell where
they could get screwed over by their boy the devil for all eternity. The girls
were quiet at first, but then the accusations started flying like cool rap
stars at the airport, with three different women being accused: Sarah Good, a
homeless beggar, Sarah Osborne, another dirt poor old woman, and Tituba, who
was like the token black person in the village. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpD98Dx_Uski562ri7at124aufpnFOMZ_xi3m70o_8C1dvKNbMjLqh9-rLGH3hF8SCDsjQ4EzzaH0pwosMVxF_PcJkwKiJZMF2sL8WVhLuOL6jdQl8jruKSCywvf6aQIMm9j7iuvU-OZ_k/s1600/Tituba.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpD98Dx_Uski562ri7at124aufpnFOMZ_xi3m70o_8C1dvKNbMjLqh9-rLGH3hF8SCDsjQ4EzzaH0pwosMVxF_PcJkwKiJZMF2sL8WVhLuOL6jdQl8jruKSCywvf6aQIMm9j7iuvU-OZ_k/s1600/Tituba.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's just the way she could clean those floors so fast- it's magic!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Outside of the obvious racism
though, Tituba did make some sense, since she liked to play with the girls of
the village by saying she could do spells for them that she had learned in
Barbados, the other two though, Good and Osborne, made a little less sense- for
one thing, if they actually could perform magic, why the fuck would they be
poor? The only evidence the town had against them was they didn’t own land, and
Osborne hadn’t been to church in like a year, though honestly, church in Salem
was like the world’s most boring pep rally, and the fact that she managed to
pick her old-ass up and go EVERY WEEK FOR ALMOST 50 YEARS, is a miracle in
itself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
The three were quickly arrested, the official (and totally Christian)
judges of Salem were called to the town, and the accused were scheduled to be
examined on March 1<sup>st</sup>, 1692, in Ingersoll’s tavern, though that
changed pretty quickly when the day arrived, and the entire town showed up,
like it was some kind of party, forcing them to move the whole thing to the
court, where it was still treated like a party, only people had more room to
scream and yell and pump their fists like lunatics.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtg8RR0VaxAPgSo1cM9sadxrQ8IAVR2-xO_BICHim-p9zDgbHc2vAQQANciUfBZ7w1ChXnMv9uKQoNUMxEA-i0yWafBQytF-zJVeWgpv-wk31pOeZGl8emTrcHyQoED-lILSBpEosnO35u/s1600/salem+court.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtg8RR0VaxAPgSo1cM9sadxrQ8IAVR2-xO_BICHim-p9zDgbHc2vAQQANciUfBZ7w1ChXnMv9uKQoNUMxEA-i0yWafBQytF-zJVeWgpv-wk31pOeZGl8emTrcHyQoED-lILSBpEosnO35u/s1600/salem+court.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Salem Witch Trials- BYOB.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Now the system to determine
if they were witches was set up like this: if they plead innocent, they would
be hanged. If they plead guilty, they would stay get to stay in jail for a
while, until the day came when they were hanged. So allow me to retract me
earlier statement, IT WAS NOTHING LIKE LAW & ORDER. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
You’d think people
might have caught on to how stupid these rules were, except they were too busy
being pumped up about getting to hunt witches instead of derping around in a
field all day, not to mention that whenever one of the accused plead innocent,
the group of ‘afflicted’ girls present would start screaming and cussing and
yelling about how they were being attacked by invisible monsters and such,
which was all the evidence needed apparently. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizw2qXtT2czXF7UAHcXu7NYa0Unn2BUOdbjAThXMLi2ymLz2jz9m-LDYGBFx-8kMg2eXM0FqbCldhu4QMZDTBwPwNpYvZZybQU3gZd-vfbxwvrPL5ZKladMMgO56qCaXZMaiF_BUqK-9Ut/s1600/salem+judges.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizw2qXtT2czXF7UAHcXu7NYa0Unn2BUOdbjAThXMLi2ymLz2jz9m-LDYGBFx-8kMg2eXM0FqbCldhu4QMZDTBwPwNpYvZZybQU3gZd-vfbxwvrPL5ZKladMMgO56qCaXZMaiF_BUqK-9Ut/s1600/salem+judges.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who says court is silly?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
After that, people started
getting accused almost monthly, over the most trivial of things, like cheese
gone bad, or farm animals gone wild (coming soon, to an internet porn site near
you!), none of which was being helped by fucking Tituba, who when accused,
immediately plead guilty, and told the judges about how she’d been approached
by a tall man from Boston who could turn into a dog, or a hog, which apparently
was a huge turn-on for Tituba, as she says that when propositioned by the man
to sign his black book and work for him, she said yes, and became a witch. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
During the trial, she also admitted that she, Good, and Osborne, were all
witches who flew on poles together at night, causing Good and Osborne to
probably give her the biggest WTF looks in history, but Tituba just said that
when she tried to run to Reverend Parris to be forgiven, the Devil blocked her
path, with his magical pig-transformation powers or some shit, a story that got
Tituba not pardoned, but life in jail, which does suck less than being burned
alive (though not by much). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Because of her, nobody was afraid to believe
anymore, and people began pointing fingers at others left and right, from that
mean woman two houses over, to the that nice old dude who compliments you
everyday. Faced with death, the accused began to take the Tituba route,
confessing to their witchery, so they could get some more jail-time, but the court began to catch on however, and instead implemented the infamous ‘Witch
Test,’ where the accused would be strapped to a chair and hung by a crane or
tree over a large body of water. He/She would then by dumped in, and if (s)he
survived, (s)he was a witch, if (s)he died, well, accidents happen. Hah, those
silly witches, our Puritan ancestors sure outsmarted them, by golly (some
variations of the test existed, like hanging the witch from a noose, or
chopping off her head)!</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZVRT1yJDGcnjtNih88cT8Zw_TPtcFy3wf3eONc-UkdOWKwJhG7JzKcAwbBCgdfXrZGAf9WOw23HIynadNbeYluv07u5g1Y5MZThnjP0leoS9-gyQ3HQf9c27Pzmr1gchVBIbYdomhYT5D/s1600/the+witch+test.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZVRT1yJDGcnjtNih88cT8Zw_TPtcFy3wf3eONc-UkdOWKwJhG7JzKcAwbBCgdfXrZGAf9WOw23HIynadNbeYluv07u5g1Y5MZThnjP0leoS9-gyQ3HQf9c27Pzmr1gchVBIbYdomhYT5D/s1600/the+witch+test.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, well maybe 'outsmarted' isn't the right word...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Skeptics were also not tolerated, such a John Proctor,
a tavern owner who got pissed at the court when they accused his wife, causing
him to try and speak out against these ridiculous cases they’d actually been
holding, an act that sadly, cost the man his life. On the upside, since his
wife was pregnant, she got to live, which is like a horrible twisted version of
the Gift of the Magi.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
But finally, after a nightmarish year of lies, deceit,
murder, and more hangings than a Christmas tree, people finally started to get
a hold of themselves, with the more educated of the townsfolk coming together
to speak out against the witch hunts, writing books about it, as well as
contacting officials and friends in Boston, telling them what was going on and
asking for help.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
By May of 1693, the witch hunts ended, with about 30 trials
ending with the accused being acquitted, and all those accused of witchcraft
being released from prison. Today, you can find numerous books about the Witch
Trials, as well as many stories with plots and morals similar to the Trials.
Many Sci-Fi books and TV shows also love to cover the Witch Trials trope, as a
sign of persistent human ignorance, shows like Firefly, and Doctor Who, among
others. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Still, I would plead with you not to let stuff like this get you too
down, remember, while I’m writing these essays to help prove just how fucking cool
humanity totally is, I have to write essays like this one more as
admittance that just because we built the Pyramids of Giza in only 20 years,
doesn’t mean we have all our shit together. But hey, you have to fall down a lot
before you properly learn to walk, and maybe after the huge pratfall we took in
a shitty little Puritan town more than 300 years ago, we came a lot closer to
learning how to run.<span> </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE45Ve9FI5QTygOvAzj0-orpnbUXq6Liys5zqb2p35D7yAnjrblHPXtZ1mNVOHV-iMNDlCX841M0Igbr-UnIKuHA6Gn-0xZKPedHGX2HgQ1mUdxlN9kyarjBfHb5zm_e46RSGWVUsp5HJC/s1600/gob+bluth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE45Ve9FI5QTygOvAzj0-orpnbUXq6Liys5zqb2p35D7yAnjrblHPXtZ1mNVOHV-iMNDlCX841M0Igbr-UnIKuHA6Gn-0xZKPedHGX2HgQ1mUdxlN9kyarjBfHb5zm_e46RSGWVUsp5HJC/s1600/gob+bluth.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Witches perform tricks. He performs ILLUSIONS.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Links:<br />
http://www.eyewitnesstohistory.com/salem.htm<br />
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history-archaeology/brief-salem.html<br />
http://law2.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/salem/SAL_ACCT.HTM</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-995605827060829122011-12-08T18:48:00.001-08:002011-12-08T18:52:42.245-08:00Misfits S.3 Episodes 5 & 6<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<i>You’re boyfriend helped save my cock, you
know that?</i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
-Rudy</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbMpreUngd4JreIsxe1cmLzvIpVX09nrdxCUdsl7IpBmbUf6Z4ABapV78hsvK_0DBIcjaLeEw2NNOV8r8CYPZn7zew9mH9QOehhDETRs4bRbwv09FzN4krLj0WI45ztxpZrTnuM1Zi6TDq/s1600/more+misfits.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbMpreUngd4JreIsxe1cmLzvIpVX09nrdxCUdsl7IpBmbUf6Z4ABapV78hsvK_0DBIcjaLeEw2NNOV8r8CYPZn7zew9mH9QOehhDETRs4bRbwv09FzN4krLj0WI45ztxpZrTnuM1Zi6TDq/s1600/more+misfits.png" /></a> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span> </span>Alright,
episodes 5 & 6 of Misfits, and boy do they delve into some good old fashioned
edu-tainment (especially for you young folks today). Episode 5 shows us the
lighter side of the darker side of coma victims, with some good old fashioned
body switching, which admittedly, in a show about kids with super powers, was
pretty long overdue. Of course, the shows writers are far too brilliant to do
just any old regular body switching (I believe the trope is a gender body
switch, but they already dug pretty deep into that with Episode 2 [I mean there
was rape involved so to be frank, they dug pretty goddamn deep in there]), no,
instead we get a body trap, with Rudy and Simon comparing it to <i>Face/Off </i>and <i>Freaky Friday</i> respectively (though I thought <i>Skeleton Key </i>might have been a better reference). The gang gets up
to their usual shenanigans, stealing a body from a hospital, Rudy getting a
handy from his therapist, and they add another tally to their growing list of
dead casualties. Episode 6 gets more facts of life, with the Misfits learning
about the dangers of unsafe sex, the hard, twisted, and completely fucked up
way of course. To sum up the episode: Curtis gets a little surprise when he
loses control of his powers due to the fact that he’s expecting (*wink, wink*),
and Rudy and Simon team up to try and save Rudy’s cock before it shrivels up
and falls off. Oh yea and Kelly and her boyfriend the Power Dealer guy are
having relationship issues. Once again, a high Classy to both episodes, and I’m
wondering exactly how harsh I have to judge this show now before I can start
giving it anything less than that.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdW5_esoI0ZNHXucioXZBc2ZMA5i766YsMa4C-iSuwoiZmQwFSs99kBytSEkHjgQpRABBHnopPBST3YTC4Z58InHn3uxHzV3DUWupY_ePQmx-kwAlPdLQVEAqBcczBY6RsCAzGCwwnRd3U/s1600/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdW5_esoI0ZNHXucioXZBc2ZMA5i766YsMa4C-iSuwoiZmQwFSs99kBytSEkHjgQpRABBHnopPBST3YTC4Z58InHn3uxHzV3DUWupY_ePQmx-kwAlPdLQVEAqBcczBY6RsCAzGCwwnRd3U/s320/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Watch it with me here:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<a href="http://videozer.com/video/xE0vDtK4">Episode 5</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<a href="http://www.videobb.com/watch_video.php?v=lVyM9cU8Vpol">Episode 6</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span> </span></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-23676066059972412822011-11-24T17:54:00.001-08:002011-11-24T18:29:13.158-08:00King's Forza Motorsport 4 Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It is the last bastion
of automotive lust…<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;">
-Jeremy Clarkson</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg510_UY_DgGx10P56gMnyn8xnqmmfYxa4_r34ZujUBabKu3YWMq4fPyu5H5KqVoYdhSV058L49YdFe4zvlxaCUWbS2jJjTzD0VlRlfJDOqqa5-oMXHBZcCqfK_Wy3IGluYlzXZxy-6zAAv/s1600/forza+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg510_UY_DgGx10P56gMnyn8xnqmmfYxa4_r34ZujUBabKu3YWMq4fPyu5H5KqVoYdhSV058L49YdFe4zvlxaCUWbS2jJjTzD0VlRlfJDOqqa5-oMXHBZcCqfK_Wy3IGluYlzXZxy-6zAAv/s1600/forza+4.jpg" /></a></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
Forza 4 does what
it was made to do almost flawlessly. After picking up a copy and being amazed
at the graphics and physics some people will feel just how damn good of a job
Turn 10 Studios did with the newest Forza Motorsport game. “But, oh wise
reviewer,” you may ask, “only some people? Not everyone?” The answer is yes.
Forza 4 is not for everyone. If lap after lap of precise driving sounds like
too much for your patience to handle than stick to Call of Duty. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
No, you won’t be able to hold down
the throttle and slam other people out of your way as you laugh maniacally. No,
you won’t have a red shell to throw at your buddy who is, let’s face it, better
than you. Without patience your days as a ninja in training will be numbered
and, more importantly, so will your ability to enjoy Forza. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
But more about that later, lets
talk about how much more beautiful this game is than anything else you own.
Seriously, it’s amazing. You’ll see your shiny new Aston Martin One-77 and
realize you may actually be turned on by it. The cars are stunning, best shown
in the Autovista mode, which allows the player to explore the car, inside and
out (although on the track the cars look just as fantastic). No tiny detail on
any car gets forgotten, everything is there. Light hits the cars in an
incredibly realistic way, just adding to the experience. The game ends up
looking a good step above the already beautiful Forza 3 and visually it will
not disappoint.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFVmyZxw-LX42ZuJDF2BhZGjyPIwbOm1cO9iI95k7bh6q41TyriKdGNNmI54278isLPRDCK-LyU7oV0ORJRpYC4PfXpe11HQYwLDolwuNSebi-BOOOdryM0iyW6PgGlZ6PZpsqQqngjd6p/s1600/forza+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFVmyZxw-LX42ZuJDF2BhZGjyPIwbOm1cO9iI95k7bh6q41TyriKdGNNmI54278isLPRDCK-LyU7oV0ORJRpYC4PfXpe11HQYwLDolwuNSebi-BOOOdryM0iyW6PgGlZ6PZpsqQqngjd6p/s1600/forza+1.jpg" /></a></div>
The sounds in the game are also
truly fantastic. As you try new cars you’ll begin to notice that every engine
has its own unique sound, a feature that really adds so much to the game’s
realism. When, after months and months, you get to the point when you can shift
solely based off of the sound of the engine you’ll look back and appreciate how
fantastic the sound really is. It truly is surprising that the little man
living in every Xbox can put up pictures and sounds that make the game feel so
exciting. “But almighty reviewer” you say, “I honestly don’t care at all about
the graphics or the sound.” Well it’s Mr. Reviewer to you, don’t be rude. And
if you don’t think you’ll care at all about the incredible sound and visuals it
doesn’t mean you won’t love the racing (although you may not appreciate the
game as much).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The racing. Don’t go into this game thinking it’ll be like the old Need for
Speed games or Mario Kart. This is a simulation game; Forza is wearing the
big-boy pants and for some people this just doesn’t float your boat. As they say,
if you can’t handle the heat get out of the kitchen... with the heat being long
repetitive laps in this case. Some people will truly love the absolute thrill
of hitting a perfect turn, while other people won’t be able to handle the idea
of braking at every corner. But if you know you love simulation games you’ll
love Forza 4 even more. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The gameplay and physics are fantastic. Forza has
outdone itself, everything seems to have been improved and polished so that the
game can capture the feeling of racing. To someone who loves the franchise, the
racing will be even more exhilarating than Forza 3, to someone new to the
series it will be very exciting to feel the speed as you get behind the wheel
for the first time. Once again the little details are fantastic; I found things
like the sun’s glare and the shake of the car at high speeds to be done in a
way that truly feels like real life; tons of little things have made the game
much more realistic and therefore more immersive. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_1F8lJsDaHH_FnD7GGjsgFTOd2D5DibetACe72zjAmGZ2mO6shSXAtkmc0LUSUo3SO8DanK9FukqsKluGz2-1pvjgQi_exgd44l-sbKnYnNVxcET_g9jtNVmZear4kHzwqBGZqM2bjMEY/s1600/forza+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_1F8lJsDaHH_FnD7GGjsgFTOd2D5DibetACe72zjAmGZ2mO6shSXAtkmc0LUSUo3SO8DanK9FukqsKluGz2-1pvjgQi_exgd44l-sbKnYnNVxcET_g9jtNVmZear4kHzwqBGZqM2bjMEY/s1600/forza+2.jpg" /></a></div>
16 driver races (the max was
8 in Forza 3) are a huge improvement and one of the best new features (although
starts can get a little chaotic online and turn one of a 16 player race will
occasionally cause you to throw your controller at the TV in rage). Rivals mode
offers a fantastic setup to challenge your inferior friends and mock them for a
slow time in a reasonably priced car. The gameplay overall: don’t expect them
to have reinvented Forza 3, it does feel very similar, but everything from the
steering to the cockpit view have been improved at least slightly and it does
feel like a more exhilarating game because of it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Outside of the racing there are several other great features. The amazing
customization and paining of cars is back and once again you’ll see people
making almost photo-realistic designs using only the in game system. 99% people
won’t have anything close to photo realistic drawings, but making your car
personalized is still addictive fun (or you can be immature and draw naked
people on your hood, but that’s your call). There are photo and video modes
that allow you to capture your greatest moments. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Tuning is back and it allows
you to make incredibly precise, realistic adjustments to your car. Changing
something like tire pressure by one PSI can make a huge difference on how your
car drives. If you can tune well you’ll have a massive advantage online, if not
you can do what humans have been doing for centuries, buy someone else’s setup
on your car. This can be done through the storefront, where players can make
some good in-game cash money by selling designs and tuning setups.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqQymBI9FpVrdvcEXntc-18GtOkkOa76R6xPeglJlZnInBalpa2jre25xgh4PNj-52rfLuuDyjxC3eBn20ENFJnrFn6ZYBbf2A8qDE6S1yDffyXyDQxMJDhGTDr4ZlMaKNcqlCm0WQ1jJL/s1600/forza+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqQymBI9FpVrdvcEXntc-18GtOkkOa76R6xPeglJlZnInBalpa2jre25xgh4PNj-52rfLuuDyjxC3eBn20ENFJnrFn6ZYBbf2A8qDE6S1yDffyXyDQxMJDhGTDr4ZlMaKNcqlCm0WQ1jJL/s1600/forza+3.jpg" /></a></div>
One new
addition are car clubs, a way for you to share cars with friends which you can
then all race online. This really is great, everyone gets a chance to try a new
car out and share the cars they are most proud of.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
One of the reasons I personally love Forza is that it really helped spark my
interest in cars. I got Forza 2 for free, and other than being a small Top Gear
fan I really didn’t know much about cars. Forza and watching Top Gear began to
go hand in hand for me after a while and it really made me learn quite a lot
about cars and racing. I don’t expect that Forza will do that for everyone, or
even most people, but some people may try it and have the same experience.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Forza does a fantastic job of being playable for almost any audience (except
old people, they’re hopeless with technology). You can turn on many settings
that help you play without taking any fun from the game. As you get better it’s
exciting to take off assists, such as tractions control, and see yourself learn
to handle it yourself. Intense racing fans will find the game just as
challenging as beginners because of this fantastic system (assuming you’re not
lame and you actually make it harder as you get better). <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAesSONhyYAI7JFGKiDTRPotX2WywqU8XdFVdkf0vr4u32TqJRRWiaDgXbqKcpdCjaG0DtgasyGbFVT4YTKK94cPm6Bzv0PxjvlKfOPYCQHkAltCUPw06QG3r-by7mGz8kBmpIwbdUWv68/s1600/forza+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAesSONhyYAI7JFGKiDTRPotX2WywqU8XdFVdkf0vr4u32TqJRRWiaDgXbqKcpdCjaG0DtgasyGbFVT4YTKK94cPm6Bzv0PxjvlKfOPYCQHkAltCUPw06QG3r-by7mGz8kBmpIwbdUWv68/s1600/forza+5.jpg" /></a></div>
A partnership with Top
Gear does really seal the deal for fans of the show, and trying to master the
hammerhead or speeding through the follow through with your foot down will just
make you love the game even more. Overall you must remember that this game is
not for everyone; if simulation racing games and lap after lap on one track are
boring for you then every race will be a chore. This game requires patience (a
lot of patience) and precision. If you love racing games and are already
drooling over the hundreds of beautiful cars in the game then this is currently
the best game out there for you. Go make the Stig proud.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br />
Because this game does everything it tries to do, I say it gets a 19/20. That
doesn’t necessarily mean everyone will like it, but if you are looking for a simulation
racing game this is by far the best one out there.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOXFkC9EEhyphenhyphenhnb3Po0Ij2-2oO_EiPjafHfoDMn1biubwfMEO4Z0STuGaClAoIC_6-p1Y0daFLYD8oVKVpbO2H_rrktA6ZiF3ZPwAgT2upEZltvujB90zNtjapBFn8vryqeQHt3K8Dp_iJq/s1600/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOXFkC9EEhyphenhyphenhnb3Po0Ij2-2oO_EiPjafHfoDMn1biubwfMEO4Z0STuGaClAoIC_6-p1Y0daFLYD8oVKVpbO2H_rrktA6ZiF3ZPwAgT2upEZltvujB90zNtjapBFn8vryqeQHt3K8Dp_iJq/s320/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-43966839821199143632011-11-24T16:15:00.001-08:002011-11-24T16:15:47.702-08:00South Park S.15 Page<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-58354442331193476562011-11-24T16:06:00.001-08:002011-11-24T16:06:23.594-08:00Community S.3 Page<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-59024861634437932582011-11-24T16:05:00.001-08:002011-11-24T16:05:42.479-08:00Beavis & Butthead S.8 Page<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://dcumm313-classact.blogspot.com/2011/11/beavis-and-butthead-episode-5.html" shape="rect">Beavis and Butthead- Episode 5</a> </div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-71092506963984652862011-11-24T16:00:00.001-08:002011-12-08T18:56:47.182-08:00Misfits S.3 Page<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://dcumm313-classact.blogspot.com/2011/11/misfits-season-3-episodes-1-2.html">Misfits
Season 3- Episodes 1 & 2</a> <br />
<a href="http://dcumm313-classact.blogspot.com/2011/11/misfits-episodes-3-4-review.html">Misfits
Episodes 3 & 4 Review</a><br />
<a href="http://dcumm313-classact.blogspot.com/2011/12/misfits-s3-episodes-5-6.html">Misfits Episodes 5 & 6 Review </a></div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-14474847739066079782011-11-24T14:11:00.001-08:002011-11-24T15:56:11.944-08:00The History of Dentistry<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Faced with the choice of enduring a bad
toothache or going to the dentist, we generally tried to ride out the bad
tooth.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
-
Joseph Barbera</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’d
just like to start out by saying that I was inspired to write this essay by the
fact that, while I write this, I’ve recently been to the dentist to have my
wisdom teeth taken out. That was yesterday. It is now 2:35 AM in the morning
and I’m pretty sure you could shoot me in the ass with that tranquilizing shit
they give to rhinos and my freaking gums would still keep me awake. Now hey, I
don’t hate dentists, no, I’m not a religious man, but I’ve always liked that
one line, blame the sin, forgive the sinner, Or something like that (once
again, 2:35 in the FUCKING morning). But let’s all just admit it- dentists may,
quite possibly be, the most loathsome form of doctor out there. It’s hard to
explain, but let’s just compare and contrast shall we: with regular doctors,
when you go to see them, whether voluntarily, like for a checkup, or
involuntarily, like when you’ve just been stabbed by a homeless junkie because
you couldn’t fork over the money so he could get at his crack rock, you’re
going to them so that you can hopefully live longer. When you go to the
dentist, it’s almost always voluntary, that is to say, I’ve never heard of
anybody being emergency airlifted to the nearest dental practice for an extreme
toothache. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4T01EZ1YTZkjcr28jxTSLpPgFDT94Ld9uHJOeB1iVyTEv3mxnVu_Md4oy7xtjLEvI6Qex_SbnJp7l27TJrqbZE0kc3YacCjrzbR_7-khNl4G4Gc-LSGMElHHR2jV6iiOAPZQD0rewfCuq/s1600/medical+emergency.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4T01EZ1YTZkjcr28jxTSLpPgFDT94Ld9uHJOeB1iVyTEv3mxnVu_Md4oy7xtjLEvI6Qex_SbnJp7l27TJrqbZE0kc3YacCjrzbR_7-khNl4G4Gc-LSGMElHHR2jV6iiOAPZQD0rewfCuq/s1600/medical+emergency.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Apparently Obama's Healthcare plan doesn't cover it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
And when you do go, you’re not going so you can live longer, you’re
going because either something hurts, and you just kinda want it to stop, or
because the dentist says there’s something wrong, and that’s that. And that’s
when you get to the root of the problem- with a real doctor, you’re willing to
undergo a serious, painful operation, because you know that it will allow you
to live that much longer, and if the doctor fails, then at least you died knowing
that the death was inevitable anyway. With a dentist, if you’re not already in
an assload of pain, than the invitation of going through an even bigger assload
of pain simply because it might help make you feel better, is kind of a shitty
deal. Plus, if the dentist should fail in his/her operation, then you get to
die knowing that you died because you couldn’t take a bit of a sore ache, like
a bitch. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibXW0PQs_MlCjW4wrnx8RP7tOSepAK0NxSyBYBOmtgYiYY4LEru9DXHX-wlsBB3qX-v2vHy5Iwbul9aOLJ0ACCnkvWuPhRNfUXxWW13uQM9giGY3LfSRZD-K2rfKfpJdc96TCT1MhdiT_y/s1600/ah+well....jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibXW0PQs_MlCjW4wrnx8RP7tOSepAK0NxSyBYBOmtgYiYY4LEru9DXHX-wlsBB3qX-v2vHy5Iwbul9aOLJ0ACCnkvWuPhRNfUXxWW13uQM9giGY3LfSRZD-K2rfKfpJdc96TCT1MhdiT_y/s1600/ah+well....jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It just got <em>so hard </em>to eat Doritos though!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
And yet it’s that inherent bitch-dom in all humans that keeps the art
of dentistry alive, and admittedly, however much it may suck to feel like this
right now, I know that what I’m feeling is sum total of hundreds of years
scientific labor to figure out exactly what the fuck is wrong with my mouth
(besides the fact that language- wise it’s filthier than a fucking sailor), and
how that can be remedied. As Kahlil Gibran puts it, “Your pain is the breaking
of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which
the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and
drink his remedy in silence and tranquility” I am 100% certain that he was not
talking about dentistry of course; but still, I feel it applies pretty well to
the circumstances. And speaking of pain, how about those Egyptians, huh?
Because as we all know, while the Egyptians were hardcore badasses that had
less fucks to give than they had sand up their individual ass-cracks, they were
also extremely classy, and kind of cared about how they looked (hence the very
manly mascara, and skirts), so of course they created the medical profession
that works around the facial feature people apparently notice the most
(according to this brochure I am holding for Invisalign), dentistry. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFru0KnD2tjzeALZxzdRmL6Ly0_3DngBgWHCGAKsXfYMRLlwQVuGuy8IU3gH_B1VBBQQ5KD3zWtWxVZIaW3MFGJOw4Bt6S9ee3u5u_eHTlccpa5EcExsNRGUxhyphenhyphenKdMoSNYFGLMgTZMI1VX/s1600/egypt+dodgeball+guy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFru0KnD2tjzeALZxzdRmL6Ly0_3DngBgWHCGAKsXfYMRLlwQVuGuy8IU3gH_B1VBBQQ5KD3zWtWxVZIaW3MFGJOw4Bt6S9ee3u5u_eHTlccpa5EcExsNRGUxhyphenhyphenKdMoSNYFGLMgTZMI1VX/s1600/egypt+dodgeball+guy.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't know, that big red dodgeball over the one dude's head is drawing my eye.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Now
remember, I am saying they invented it, but only because they were the first to
really record their dental operations, using papyrus scrolls. It would be
foolish to say that prehistoric man didn’t take a little time out of the day
every now and again to go poking around his mouth, chances are you yourself
have done so at least once or twice as well, just as it is quite possible that
in all that poking around, with rocks, and sticks (and other things of that
incredibly unsafe sort) something that could be considered a dental operation
didn’t go on way back when. Also we can totally prove that something considered
a dental operation happened way back when, because we live in the 21st century,
and Egyptian dentistry happened a looong time after prehistoric man started
setting up culture you fool. We’ve actually uncovered evidence that people were
allowing their friends to use a stone to drill into their teeth as far back as
9,000 years ago, with some pretty perfectly preserved teeth dating back from
5500 BC proving that such dental practice was going on with live patients.
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwrbd16pwncDxDLk-_M6N3-4q_apYtC5mptvAL1jVnVzk3zLPMstugIkjlDmHYqSCtyzGY2W90ky3SGPc_OuMaCeB_8ErT5oIpYztNRb-ILHPptHTTPOYdgrdSLwBjm4rKWXW8fF_e4maQ/s1600/frat+pledge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwrbd16pwncDxDLk-_M6N3-4q_apYtC5mptvAL1jVnVzk3zLPMstugIkjlDmHYqSCtyzGY2W90ky3SGPc_OuMaCeB_8ErT5oIpYztNRb-ILHPptHTTPOYdgrdSLwBjm4rKWXW8fF_e4maQ/s1600/frat+pledge.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Frat Pledge: The only other person to let something like that happen to him in 9,000 years.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Don’t let all these big, smart, intelligent words fool you though, you didn’t
have cavemen calmly lying in the doctor’s chair, waiting for the dentist to
show himself in, and, with the aid of a nurse, begin the tactful operation,
calmly, and smoothly, and peacefully and shit, the whole thing probably looked
more like a bunch of guys crowding around another dude, inventing the art of
the beat-down, not dentistry. The process theoretically used, is that the
dentist would take a sharp pointy flint tip, and then using a kind of bow tool,
like they would use to build fires with, would start spinning the flint around,
back and forth, drilling it into the teeth- the worst part being that shit like
this was done without those chill-pill type drugs the doctors use today. Because
of this, the ‘Nurses’ on hand weren’t the, “Here’s you scalpel Mr. Doctor,”
type nurses, they were there for the purpose of holding down the patient’s arms
and legs, since many patients were known to flail during the experience, as
people who are having a sharp stone slowly stabbed into the nerve center of
their respective teeth are wont to do. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhacYZ6CYiYJkAO4sFJCSniFwcEp6ItXXaqSw9p64GiB1dsjVn-ZyL65oBMxCN9pvP9J0n5IeqN5ONChLCYG8I1QutGUkPLbX6k-F1MM07xwFKBGpW9ltuJ1EOsbtwnt1EEl8GKBbNYXeyL/s1600/prehistoric+dental+drill.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhacYZ6CYiYJkAO4sFJCSniFwcEp6ItXXaqSw9p64GiB1dsjVn-ZyL65oBMxCN9pvP9J0n5IeqN5ONChLCYG8I1QutGUkPLbX6k-F1MM07xwFKBGpW9ltuJ1EOsbtwnt1EEl8GKBbNYXeyL/s1600/prehistoric+dental+drill.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Huh. The thing we use to create fire on wood also create pain on people. Interesting."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Not only that, but it is also theorized
that the same ancient people who were dumb enough to think dentistry meant
jabbing rocks into someone’s mouth, were also the same people dumb enough to do
this shit so THEY COULD LOOK GOOD. The idea is, is that cavemen, being so
infatuated with shiny beads and such, would try to take the whole beading thing
to the next level, by inserting beads into their goddamn teeth, an idea that
most likely sprang into their heads because their teeth, already being so
shitty, were full of holes, and probably seemed like an inventing place to put
beads anyway. Either that or they were hoping to alleviate tooth pain by
releasing evil spirits. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7tpJgorN3C1Re7yXy9-RaJ-t_DnXR3IM-CPECFHqOy99cTLGWWk3ap7qOMBLESD7_DfVHK3DsF5dgGEEvcompnEDWrvShhqSieXwwic3xRQ1CUVv7v8XXDLOlImw5gZjzXbdpDSJf0yb9/s1600/tooth+decay.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7tpJgorN3C1Re7yXy9-RaJ-t_DnXR3IM-CPECFHqOy99cTLGWWk3ap7qOMBLESD7_DfVHK3DsF5dgGEEvcompnEDWrvShhqSieXwwic3xRQ1CUVv7v8XXDLOlImw5gZjzXbdpDSJf0yb9/s1600/tooth+decay.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evil spirits like tooth decay, that is.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Y’know, whichever’s crazier (and trust me- shit got
crazier). Now I don’t know which side created it, the dentists or the patients,
but somewhere along the line, some dude just got fed up, and decided he didn’t
really like the idea of having his ailments treated by a guy who didn’t know
what was causing them in the first place, and couldn’t explain how the fuck his
‘treatment’ was supposed to help. And so was born the myth of- THE TOOTH WORM.
The idea of the tooth worm is this- people’s teeth were full of holes, right?
Well, what other animal makes holes? That’s right! <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Worms</st1:place></st1:city>! The answer’s so obvious! There’s
clearly a species of worm that climbs into your mouth and just burrows right on
in, causing all sorts of trouble! And if you’re answer to the first question
was anything other than worms, such as moles, or woodpeckers, then maybe you
should just stop reading, because clearly you’re too silly to take this
seriously. I mean tiny moles burrowing into your teeth? Hah! The very idea… now
worms on the other hand, those slimy little bitches get around. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW3-DNNbRmQk7_pJN0t6hVFvfxhNDY8lpYfVuvk-v5UJDC0r9dErkrVXGQ6R4mwOh8KUoJ0813NuptA5OqbXcFXSy7nC5jT8hfm7Jphv_LMo68924qZhyxGJEKgOrHCkBWaeBmx9Ccb7b5/s1600/tooth+worm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW3-DNNbRmQk7_pJN0t6hVFvfxhNDY8lpYfVuvk-v5UJDC0r9dErkrVXGQ6R4mwOh8KUoJ0813NuptA5OqbXcFXSy7nC5jT8hfm7Jphv_LMo68924qZhyxGJEKgOrHCkBWaeBmx9Ccb7b5/s1600/tooth+worm.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, the worm thing I can buy, but little men mining the inside of my tooth is stretching it a bit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
True, the myth
that you swallow like a hundred spiders in your sleep may be complete bullcrap now,
but back then, all kinds of spiders and fly and bugs were crawling in people’s
mouths, whether they were asleep or awake. The world was dirtier than a
hipster’s ironic beard back then. How dirty, you might be asking? Well it was
so dirty in fact, that the idea that the place one inhabits is so filthy, that
a large number of bugs could periodically waltz in and just horse around in
one’s mouth, lasted all around the globe, from when it was thought up in 5000
BC, until the freaking 1300s, when a famous French surgeon said it was totally,
without a doubt, true, and the absolute reason as to why we have tooth decay.
This theory was apparently good enough for people, and so they continued to go
to their local dentist, who kept on with the whole ‘drilling’ thing until the
Middle Ages began, when everybody attempting the craft everywhere just threw up
their hands and said “Fuck it, I’ll be a farmer.” After that, getting treated
for a toothache either meant chugging down some five dollar mystery elixir from
a suspicious mustachioed salesman, or just kind of ripping the tooth out
completely and rubbing some dirt in the hole. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4t66HtypYYxgfzE7qP5FmBVSOFkKm9lxFRysj4Eb7sVf9izvSWtWqa7lvizEfsIcsdme9J_XxEeECtwp8w0yT7WCi__CwNWe4XaeK5_B8-U7YPWTSviQqVKF74CcvIeo6mpBFfglUbv6I/s1600/tooth+out.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4t66HtypYYxgfzE7qP5FmBVSOFkKm9lxFRysj4Eb7sVf9izvSWtWqa7lvizEfsIcsdme9J_XxEeECtwp8w0yT7WCi__CwNWe4XaeK5_B8-U7YPWTSviQqVKF74CcvIeo6mpBFfglUbv6I/s1600/tooth+out.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Because <em>fuck </em>cavities.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Since dentistry was never even
considered a medical subject at the time (it was just pulling teeth, you don’t
call the tech guy on the phone the next ‘Steve Jobs’ just because he
patronizingly knows you’re supposed to unplug the computer and then plug it
back in again five minutes later), dentists didn’t even really exist, instead,
the capitalistic market took care of everything, with barbers offering to take
care of your tooth problem for you right along with your next shave. The market
evolved more and more, until you actually just had shops dedicated towards
ripping out peoples teeth, and then selling them to other people, as
replacements (or, if the buyer was really twisted, jewelry). </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiltvmUxoYXs8P37_DyROiXSl1s2aADz78smdnLMqNqBF6Q73mFXNDb2_Mi6g36-qVDSvIb44FakL9wO6zX1KJd6oGjnGgU7eLCqSQsmJaW4gwPIIjVTchEn6iEg0WjcyXZB9XZaYwCRmrl/s1600/teeth+jewelry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiltvmUxoYXs8P37_DyROiXSl1s2aADz78smdnLMqNqBF6Q73mFXNDb2_Mi6g36-qVDSvIb44FakL9wO6zX1KJd6oGjnGgU7eLCqSQsmJaW4gwPIIjVTchEn6iEg0WjcyXZB9XZaYwCRmrl/s1600/teeth+jewelry.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For some people they're the same thing.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Now, tell me which
is worse- someone taking a sharp stone and drilling holes into your teeth,
slowly, and roughly, or someone taking a rudimentary prong-like metal tool, and
using it to tear your individual teeth out by their roots- all this, once again,
without any help from drugs (they didn’t even have the decency to at least hit
you on the head and knock you out). The tool described is called the Pelican,
and if it sounds like the product of an insane, unsupervised madman, then
you’re not too far away from the truth, as it was invented by Guy de Chauliac,
the exact same French boner-part (see what I did there) who thought that worms
were living in peoples teeth. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1z1oV-J93x5I-K3GEJElZj2U2EpwDMSTeGCCdLaXo0raBtt8e_LzCqeFvD2s0RcDRY4A7X27KoRs5MmhDNo0LcOdzXnvUuD1ZmolQzOuQvxuFhBnJ8CXlyi_GcaYIyCi5-ESOIbhqlDZO/s1600/professor+farnsworth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1z1oV-J93x5I-K3GEJElZj2U2EpwDMSTeGCCdLaXo0raBtt8e_LzCqeFvD2s0RcDRY4A7X27KoRs5MmhDNo0LcOdzXnvUuD1ZmolQzOuQvxuFhBnJ8CXlyi_GcaYIyCi5-ESOIbhqlDZO/s1600/professor+farnsworth.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He looks a little something like this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The tools evolved even more, leading to the
creation of the dental key in the 1700’s, which was kind of like that tool
people use to open the cork on bottles of champagne, except the cork was your
tooth (which would make the champagne your blood…? [I apologize to those
readers with a weaker heart, and don’t like to see, let alone hear about blood,
but, in my defense, maybe you should just grab your wallet, go down to the
store, and pick up a set of balls you pansy]). This kind of shit, which could
actually be considered torture by modern standards, finally started to go out
the window in the 17- 1800s, when an extremely classy Frenchman showed up,
physician Pierre Fauchard, who has been called the father of modern dentistry,
due to his numerous contributions to, and overall development of, the oral
science we still kind of hate today. He wrote several books on the subject,
some of his most famous accomplishments being his introduction of dental
fillings to the very short itinerary of possible dental operations, he also
figured out that no, there is no such thing as a worm that lives in teeth, and
that dental decay is in fact caused by the secret bad-ass, sugar, which while
it may seem nice, and sweet, and harmless, actually has the effect of burning
through your teeth like hydrochloric acid. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYdPUWT_4XtzBXoscUKqw5urwXLVYSQaO3_03fzVKGtMXHYOv37-XGWTP-52uNWdmcXEy_2sT2j3fM8dbAKXDfNZNl_rs7Ccj0ne1PfypVTCXjp3IS2eoDVwXKRTAvb0IDvhfUjMYRwmwX/s1600/sweet+tooth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYdPUWT_4XtzBXoscUKqw5urwXLVYSQaO3_03fzVKGtMXHYOv37-XGWTP-52uNWdmcXEy_2sT2j3fM8dbAKXDfNZNl_rs7Ccj0ne1PfypVTCXjp3IS2eoDVwXKRTAvb0IDvhfUjMYRwmwX/s1600/sweet+tooth.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sweet tooth, bro (Get it?).</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
While his advancements went far and
wide in Europe, they didn’t really carry over so much to England, but, in a
way, did have a big impact on America, as his creation of prosthetic teeth is
the reason our first President was able to have a set of chompers made of some
gnarley (see what I did there AGAIN) wood. Not really, actually the creation of
tooth prosthetics just gave old people with bare gums something that could let
them actually chew their hotdogs, instead of just dipping them in water and
sliding them down the gullet. Dentistry has come a very long way since then, as
I myself am proof of (what with my lack of wisdom teeth, and lower braces, and
several fillings and whatnot. My mouth is like a patchwork of dental mishaps),
but dentistry is still far from perfect, as I, and the bottle of Advil I
crushed in less than a week, also prove. But focus on what I said earlier
though- about ancient people’s teeth being supremely crappy (along with some of
their hair-brained ideas), this fact is important and dare I say it, integral
even, to your further education into this marvelous world of oral hygiene. You
see, crappy teeth by today’s standards, as compared to way back when, are
actually pretty good. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_pc3xmuUEpExhKK2QmWjlmOB6ExPokarAVH5TU3iB8gMH3mgEtptUBfbsy-BCcKSkuT50qbdDEzN0yfGnm8bG9dYdEvv3wDHH1ix7ofZV03mlIMnwluDXQCMWAdmwaL_HX9IPk769UxFO/s1600/minty+gum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_pc3xmuUEpExhKK2QmWjlmOB6ExPokarAVH5TU3iB8gMH3mgEtptUBfbsy-BCcKSkuT50qbdDEzN0yfGnm8bG9dYdEvv3wDHH1ix7ofZV03mlIMnwluDXQCMWAdmwaL_HX9IPk769UxFO/s1600/minty+gum.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Back then, you wouldn't chew these if you forgot to brush, you'd chew these <em>instead </em>of brushing.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
That smoker friend of yours, whose teeth are always
yellow, and nasty, would look like a fucking Crest toothpaste advertisement
back when living in a mud-hut made you the 1% of your tribe. Those
‘historically accurate’ movies you watch could get everything right, but I
promise you, not a single goddamn one of them will get the teeth right, and you
know why? Because that would require the movie studio to knock out three or
four of Russell Crowe’s teeth, and make the rest look like Swiss cheese, so
unless they proposed the possibility to him in a bar, with a corded telephone
nearby, I don’t think it’d happen. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisECaPUz5pYiAr63iEav_3Nyale6T7klofEhqyq4X69XSA9dOq_nlbLQ7Ue9fqHT0orOodghkKnfpdwXlC1MFRMqk1da0dCLZ6kRxovy5x-6du5ryIB2ssIEXSXk0Vn5AoqoIp6UtihS2E/s1600/russelle+crowe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisECaPUz5pYiAr63iEav_3Nyale6T7klofEhqyq4X69XSA9dOq_nlbLQ7Ue9fqHT0orOodghkKnfpdwXlC1MFRMqk1da0dCLZ6kRxovy5x-6du5ryIB2ssIEXSXk0Vn5AoqoIp6UtihS2E/s1600/russelle+crowe.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's his eyes! I can't tell if he's angry, or he's going to break out in tears!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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The point being, teeth were to our ancestors
what social media sites (facebook, twitter, etc.) are to those of us living in
a first-world country, a necessary tool for life, but still something that
makes us feel shitty every time we use it. But as long as we have dentists
there, to make us feel just a little shittier, so we can feel legitimately
awesome afterwards, we’ll be alright. Oh, and for those of whom who are
wondering why I didn’t give Thanksgiving that big of a hullabaloo as I did
Halloween, it’s because:</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
A: Halloween is an actual fucking
Holiday, Thanksgiving is something those assholes who killed all the Native
Americans off had like, every other week, and we in the present just reworked
to excuse one day of unabashed gluttony- you know what? <span id="goog_315445628"></span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/">Cracked says it best
right here.</a> <span id="goog_315445629"></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
B: A month ago you celebrated a
Holiday by stuffing your mouths with chocolate bars, and now you’re celebrating
another one by stuffing your mouths with turkey, shit, just be happy this isn’t
the History of Weight Watchers you chubby- I MEAN- trim and good looking people
who will continue to read my essays and share some with your friends, ha ha ha…
please?</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Anyway, I’m going back to nursing
my aching gums, and appreciating the fact that at least I, unlike my
unfortunate Irish ancestors before me, have sweet, soothing (as I like to call
it) Oxicotton, to drive those bad times away. Legally. Goodnight folks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUM2JYqBV3QplxOxgvWCALA1xzHYffSuiCl-wy1RZqCtZVdiwS7DvUWi2XoP6V8ivyQQiPAGfy5n3WSaJwJB70FjSVDnNBW_0IlpvbMjAT8yNXplWgqL-REWp538o4NH_iz8eWocCzL-eG/s1600/crazy+dentist.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUM2JYqBV3QplxOxgvWCALA1xzHYffSuiCl-wy1RZqCtZVdiwS7DvUWi2XoP6V8ivyQQiPAGfy5n3WSaJwJB70FjSVDnNBW_0IlpvbMjAT8yNXplWgqL-REWp538o4NH_iz8eWocCzL-eG/s1600/crazy+dentist.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think this picture just about sums up my essay perfectly.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Resources:<br />
<a href="http://www.namibiadent.com/History/HistoryDentistry.html">http://www.namibiadent.com/History/HistoryDentistry.html</a><br />
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dentistry#History">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dentistry#History</a><br />
<a href="http://www.dentalassistant.net/pictorial-history/">http://www.dentalassistant.net/pictorial-history/</a></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-85329853974247132662011-11-24T11:17:00.001-08:002011-11-27T15:41:59.655-08:00Nokey's Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">PLEASE READ</b>: This review is not a professional one. It is simply
a personal review from the perspective of an average gamer. I did my best to
try and review this game un-bias-ly, as I am not a CoD fan. I hope you find
this review helpful</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5XXR_q5JJNde876GKFc_CSN2iQwaXU0hhMM3iI3mTUcUWLAXFNKdmMjPI21b8jRHZXXMkgNOWemRTiKc6wu7Rht9akF8HbJE9pJeEcLrLncdUOmRkXhihyphenhyphenUCAGdLOVb5ECsurJou4Tghz/s1600/codmw3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5XXR_q5JJNde876GKFc_CSN2iQwaXU0hhMM3iI3mTUcUWLAXFNKdmMjPI21b8jRHZXXMkgNOWemRTiKc6wu7Rht9akF8HbJE9pJeEcLrLncdUOmRkXhihyphenhyphenUCAGdLOVb5ECsurJou4Tghz/s1600/codmw3.png" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br />
Hmmm.... Where do I even start with a game like this? The Call of Duty series
has become the greatest selling franchise of all time, breaking sales records
with each new release. Millions of people buy these games every year and love
it, others despise its own name and hate the game with a burning passion (for
good reasons). Call of Duty’s reputation has definitely flip-flopped since the
release of Mw2 back in ‘09, and it boils down to this: You either love it, or
you hate it. I used to be on the “Cod suckz” bandwagon after the release of mw2
and black ops, but after I did some thinking, I started to fall in between the
middle of loving it and hating it. I basically gave up bitching about how bad
mw2 and black ops were because I realized that it wasn't accomplishing anything.
Activision doesn't care what I think of CoD, and all the people who complain on
the Internet about CoD haven’t stopped it from selling millions of copies. So I
gave up, and learned to just accept what CoD has become, a re-hashed, yearly,
mass consumer product. And you wanna know something else? Mw3 is SOOO much more
fun when you get past complaining about it. <br />
But before I start this review, I want to get some things out of the way first.<br />
<br />
1) Let me recap how everyone felt about CoD from modern warfare 1 (I’m going to
exclude CoD5, simply because I never really played that one) </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Call of Duty 4</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Simply put, an awesome game. Its
multiplayer was unlike anything before. Its constant leveling, unlocking,
rewarding, and customizing kept millions of people addicted to it. Its
singleplayer offered us an intense campaign with a pretty nice story to go
along with it, with some nice twist and turns (the nuke scene, never saw it
coming!) and unforgettable moments (Ghillies in the Mist, nuff said). </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Modern Warfare 2</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
1 week after launch: Its
cod4....but better.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
3 months after launch: Everybody
realizes how horribly unbalanced and exploitable the game is, and how it
rewarded unfair play styles</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
And yet, it’s breaking sales
records everywhere and has became extremely popular</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The campaign was over the top
(which was why it was fun), but the story made no sense</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Black Ops</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The idea for the premise behind it
sounded cool. Being a secret agent during the cold war sounded (at least to me)
really fun. I began to think that maybe the CoD series would be saved, and this
new game would be a more balanced out version of Mw2. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
After 1 month of launch: I was
expecting shit to change....I was wrong. Eh, at least the campaign and zombies
were fun. <br />
<br />
But to be fair though, I really
liked how black ops let people make there own callsigns (even if most people
would just make penises). </div>
<br />
2) What were you expecting?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
A lot of people out there whine and moan and say that Mw3 is some “60 dollar
map pack” that lacks innovation, and is the “same game with a new skin.” UH,
DDDDDDDUUUUUUHHHHHHH. I thought after Mw2 and black ops, people would realize
that this is what CoD has become. <br />
So as you can see, the reason why the CoD series has gained so much hate is
because its a re-hashed series, lacking anything very new. And yet it is still
the most popular and successful franchise out there. People out there continue
to buy these lazy, re-hashed products. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM??? Don’t they
realize that they’re buying the same game that came out 2 years ago??? So why
are people buying these games? Well, it’s simple. It’s because there is fun to
be had in there.<br />
Now, let’s start the review. The topics I will cover are the topics I believe
to be the most important for this game<br />
<br />
User Interface<br />
The first thing you will see when you start Mw3 is the menu. It uses the same
menu system Mw2 had, and this is both a positive, and a negative. It’s a
positive because this menu system works well, its easy to get to the campaign,
spec ops, or multiplayer. It’s a negative because, like I said before, it’s
pulled (literally) from Mw2. This is where some of the “lack of innovation”
insults come from. The UI interface is the pulled straight from Mw2, so when
you first start up Mw3, you are going to have a feeling of “been there, done
that” just by looking at the screen. Personally, this really didn't bother me
that much. It’s a smart move because this UI interface works well, but at the
same time, it’s an incredibly lazy move, and makes the game look exactly like
Mw2. At least black ops’ menu and UI tried to be different than Mw2’s.....<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYsH7kuvjTEuvSE1uHlgGmQWY2UR0EW-XuRhOMMuL2yvqPFIsN9QRMnW-dTPh8TZz14K37w2Hf6aASoVjv4CjbPzuGpnamzMuJ4jL2HxRWFopoBlRzQSD1JH3WqozdQcpt-DmnYqRG1NyE/s1600/codmw3+multiplayer2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYsH7kuvjTEuvSE1uHlgGmQWY2UR0EW-XuRhOMMuL2yvqPFIsN9QRMnW-dTPh8TZz14K37w2Hf6aASoVjv4CjbPzuGpnamzMuJ4jL2HxRWFopoBlRzQSD1JH3WqozdQcpt-DmnYqRG1NyE/s1600/codmw3+multiplayer2.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Graphics<br />
This is another topic that many “lack of innovation” comments come from. While
the graphics for Mw3 do look pretty similar to Mw2’s and black ops......it is
different in some minor areas. First off, the lighting in the game has
improved. Second, there is a tad bit more attention to detail into the
environments and character models. And Third, the animations for running have
changed (but these are minor changes). The graphics have only improved
slightly, and while Mw3 is running on the same engine from past Cod games, it
still looks great. I really don't understand why people say Mw3 looks horrible
just because it looks like Mw2. While I hated Mw2, I still admired it’s slick
graphics. Mw3 graphics aren't the best, but they’re far from “horrible.” Plus,
60 frames per second, nuff said. <br />
<br />
Sound<br />
Sound effects are something that I never really pay attention to in CoD games.
In the multiplayer, the guns don't sound SUPER MEGA AWESOME REALISTIC like in
games such as Battlefield 3, but they don't sound like cheap airsoft guns
either. They’re just kinda “meh.” However, in the campaign, the sound does a
very good job of immersing the player into a war zone. Another thing about
Mw3’s sound is the soundtrack that goes with it. Brian Tyler did a fantastic
job with Mw3’s score. The music for the Modern warfare games always makes me
care about the characters, even if I'm not emotionally invested in them.<br />
<br />
Campaign<br />
The Call of Duty campaigns are always fun. In the more recent CoD games, the
developers have favored more over-the-top set pieces and heavily scripted
stealth missions than the story, which in my opinion, isn't such a bad thing.
Moments like storming a Somalian compound filled with bad guys, then
controlling the turret on a helicopter and blasting baddies on rooftops, then
climbing on top of a building, holding back waves of more baddies while waiting
for extract by helicopter, only to have the helicopter shot down and then
jumping of the rooftop, and then venturing into a sand storm to find the
crashed helicopter, and then driving off like a bad ass makes these campaigns
fun to play. Or other moments like sneaking behind enemy lines at night are
really fun too. As for the story, I found it much easier to follow than Mw2’s
story. It’s still pretty ridiculous, but it;s more enjoyable. The only annoying
things about the campaign are the infinite respawning waves of enemies and
sometimes dull AI.<br />
<br />
Spec Ops <br />
This will be a short topic. I wasn't really a huge fan of Spec ops in Mw2. I
didn’t hate it; I just didn't really think it was that fun. The spec ops mode
in Mw3 is fairly similar to Mw2’s spec ops, except mw3 added a new survival
mode. Similar to Gears of War’s horde mode, 2 players face increasingly
difficult waves of enemies, for each wave completed, the players receive points
that they can spend on upgrading weapons, re-stashing grenades, buying air
strikes, etc. This isn't an entirely new idea, but its nice addition to the
game. Another thing the developers added was matchmaking support, which is a
welcome change. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7YvqUT-E7cW3KI2AqpkPx7v3jfWni66j7_rEBDZwhl1yz5Zk_4pgIwonA4WkXy4L9CPzOsDp6l9rhAjbpJkkoSb_27tmmdM0h0ww0iJoEsQOUb71oPUN6sO7mNbdYUl5kUKUV5ZnNc8EO/s1600/codmw3+multiplayer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7YvqUT-E7cW3KI2AqpkPx7v3jfWni66j7_rEBDZwhl1yz5Zk_4pgIwonA4WkXy4L9CPzOsDp6l9rhAjbpJkkoSb_27tmmdM0h0ww0iJoEsQOUb71oPUN6sO7mNbdYUl5kUKUV5ZnNc8EO/s1600/codmw3+multiplayer.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Multiplayer<br />
Here we are at last...the multiplayer. The multiplayer in CoD games has always
been the major selling point; some people don’t even bother with the campaign
or spec ops, and instead just go straight to it. But what is about it that
makes it so addictive? Well, like I said in the beginning, it’s the constant
leveling, unlocking, rewarding, and customizing that make it fun. CoD has an
arcade-ish feel to it, it’s nice and face-paced, relying more on one’s
reflexes. It’s a game where everyone goes the “lone wolf” style, focusing more
on their own performance than the entire team’s performance. This feel/style of
the game is something that it wants to achieves, and it does a very good job at
it. The formula for the multiplayer is pretty similar to the other CoD games,
which is good, cause this formula works and can be fun at times. However, Mw3
has a few very welcome additions to it. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Strike Packages: Strike Packages
are Mw3’s version of killstreaks. There are three types of Strike packages:
Assault, Support, and Specialist. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Assault: Pretty much the same kill
streaks from Mw2. You can customize them with a couple of new killstreaks, but
if you die, you have to restart from 0. This mostly for the skilled, high K/D
players </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Support: Similar to assault, except
when you die, you don't restart from 0. Your streak remains the same and will
continue to rack up as you get more kills/captures. This is great for people
(like myself) who aren’t very good at CoD. The types of kill streaks for the
Support class are not the same as the ones for the Assault class. With the Support
class, you get things such ballistic vests to give to your teammates, you can
also get a recon drone and get a birds eye view of the map, and tag enemy
players for your teammates. Over all, the Support class adds a little bit of
teamwork into Mw3.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Specialist: Similar to the Assault
class, except for every certain amount of kill you get without dying, you are
rewarded with extra perks. I haven’t spent a lot of time with this class, so
I'm not really sure how it could turn the tide of a match. <br />
<br />
These new additions make Mw3 way way WAY more accessible for newbie players,
and other players who just aren't very good. As far as other changes in the
multiplayer goes, the unlock system has been changed a little bit, with weapons
now having specific levels to them. Over all, Mw3’s multiplayer is much more
balanced and rewarding than Mw2’s. The only issues I can think of right now
would be the spawning, maps, occasional lag, and the Type 95. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVGrc2TpaNBWOK1HmH88qWdq4jCSKChFrxtkY4Sx2hFvJ4YRXXwzd2L7w32f2xYVoxyNa2nAE4enE6zoQWLjuR7vOEObMmD8F8HkfbOGX4VErwQZFiD30xpePtP_gD3L9xrnJRYlvuYguR/s1600/codmw3+campaign.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVGrc2TpaNBWOK1HmH88qWdq4jCSKChFrxtkY4Sx2hFvJ4YRXXwzd2L7w32f2xYVoxyNa2nAE4enE6zoQWLjuR7vOEObMmD8F8HkfbOGX4VErwQZFiD30xpePtP_gD3L9xrnJRYlvuYguR/s1600/codmw3+campaign.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Final Score<br />
Mw3 is much more enjoyable than previous CoD games. Is it the best CoD games
ever? That’s something that's up to you to decide. My final score for Mw3 is:<br />
<br />
7/10 - Above average <br />
<br />
In some points of the game, its a little to similar to previous CoD titles, but
that still doesn't change the fact that there is fun to be had here. I think
people need to realize that there is nothing wrong with yearly mass-consumer
products. There are video games that are meant to change the industry, that
take 5 years to make, and there are games that are meant to come out every year
to entertain us so we don’t go insane waiting five years for a new video game.
The gameplay and controls are tight, responsive, and work well. I don’t think
that Mw3 is something that you should rush out and buy, but instead wait till
it goes on sale, or ask for it for Christmas. You don’t have to be a CoD fan to
like constantly rewarding, fast paced, arcadey multiplayer. But if you do, then
you’ll like this.</div>
<br /><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ygm9j_ctYWB_7z29SmQMwfNS56ifJVraMHCschmFQxTmxlydphM3tXGgJ-6h1qVdHqAQK76eZFeThax_3SR_vZtI_pK4q2LsoGBG0-5CQUKxCmd0Yg5YIiAgCj8aTZx57xZoNPn2zNEm/s1600/dapper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ygm9j_ctYWB_7z29SmQMwfNS56ifJVraMHCschmFQxTmxlydphM3tXGgJ-6h1qVdHqAQK76eZFeThax_3SR_vZtI_pK4q2LsoGBG0-5CQUKxCmd0Yg5YIiAgCj8aTZx57xZoNPn2zNEm/s320/dapper.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-10326773469698470172011-11-21T22:34:00.001-08:002011-11-21T22:50:09.827-08:00Misfits Episodes 3 & 4 Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’ve just been fighting the fucking Nazis
AND kicking the shit out of Hitler.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
- Kelly</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKqOgQoCWL2yrz2xdosQe4gSZUIZaw8qWjaeGP0Be86_ywSQIvMb3_Eh0JLkKC9xW5tFahQRlnTPD0gCzhaErfcplyHuBsAPUpJY8T5HwNKHIGh5xtE_ZlWCu4w6hVH8IyJQ_BWxQHuB7-/s1600/more+misfits.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKqOgQoCWL2yrz2xdosQe4gSZUIZaw8qWjaeGP0Be86_ywSQIvMb3_Eh0JLkKC9xW5tFahQRlnTPD0gCzhaErfcplyHuBsAPUpJY8T5HwNKHIGh5xtE_ZlWCu4w6hVH8IyJQ_BWxQHuB7-/s1600/more+misfits.png" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yea,
so, in other news, awesome shit continues to be awesome. Episode three shows
off some more of ‘Super-Hoodie,’ and adds a little controversy to the mix. Bit
crazy, bit controversial, but still a very decent episode by Misfits standards,
and a very choice episode indeed by general TV standards. Next, episode four,
you’ve got the episode that honestly serves as payoff to anybody who’s kept up
with the show until now, and might be one of the greatest episodes of TV I’ve
seen in a while AND this is coming off of just watching the entirety of Firefly
just last week. Remember that episode of Doctor Who this year where they travel
back to Nazi times? Remember this:</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDsoBWFgoxsuB2IwgvQK8Ch20ud2tcu18a0-c2bmCgmFj9D9J4Eg1zy0ePHyp-Op8dG4D7ltS7p8QzBDb6MZej-KZ_vIb4AojORar-g-rwtesSIi3hcA6Rw6jGQSFlMFUdHb41K6JqxN20/s1600/rory+punches+hitler.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDsoBWFgoxsuB2IwgvQK8Ch20ud2tcu18a0-c2bmCgmFj9D9J4Eg1zy0ePHyp-Op8dG4D7ltS7p8QzBDb6MZej-KZ_vIb4AojORar-g-rwtesSIi3hcA6Rw6jGQSFlMFUdHb41K6JqxN20/s320/rory+punches+hitler.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Click *here* for AWESOME</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Now just put the Misfits in there,
add a little alternate timeline mumbojumbo, and BAM you’ve got episode four. If
you haven’t watched it already well… shit I’m grinning just thinking about how
much you’re going to love it. Classy, all around, and enjoy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Watch them with me, here:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
3 - <a href="http://videozer.com/video/PJzqjM3">http://videozer.com/video/PJzqjM3</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
4 - <a href="http://videobb.com/watch_video.php?v=j0weODOEjair">http://videobb.com/watch_video.php?v=j0weODOEjair</a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKcQALqFoOVkoUhePkfyjsZrlmKMyuQYpzuJNKy4rZJdrBKzLQ5mfx4FCsBZvkR2JUSWlcOJlCyhsRNwUOhL7Kq7iqlOEoeROyug_dStY38BLQjLMDldVAOujoHq8aB_Fs4wjYbjw51XRL/s1600/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKcQALqFoOVkoUhePkfyjsZrlmKMyuQYpzuJNKy4rZJdrBKzLQ5mfx4FCsBZvkR2JUSWlcOJlCyhsRNwUOhL7Kq7iqlOEoeROyug_dStY38BLQjLMDldVAOujoHq8aB_Fs4wjYbjw51XRL/s320/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-37157017403810290322011-11-21T20:06:00.001-08:002011-11-21T20:08:42.883-08:00Beavis and Butthead- Episode 5<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yeah… teen obesity kicks ass.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
- Butt-Head</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOYx8pIwnYUvcNeLDL7iXuarDZHZoycSn6NU52PQ2u8kTfXsgu08m_ewB_J-8A1xyF1Dw8qmswHObLDv1Et4P61YbtL79aotovsyNMhiqm5rNJsHpBjpBkfefBBOGzqwwleYo84H3gzDS-/s1600/beavis+and+butthead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOYx8pIwnYUvcNeLDL7iXuarDZHZoycSn6NU52PQ2u8kTfXsgu08m_ewB_J-8A1xyF1Dw8qmswHObLDv1Et4P61YbtL79aotovsyNMhiqm5rNJsHpBjpBkfefBBOGzqwwleYo84H3gzDS-/s1600/beavis+and+butthead.jpg" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh
MTV… you’ve fallen so far… but with this show, you’ve made the first step on
the long road to recovery. I’m not sure about the future of our world, what with
Occupy Wallstreet, revolutions all over the world, and y’know, AIDS, but I feel
like the simple fact that this show is back on the air instantly makes the
future look one million times more optimistic. And to anybody who wants to call
this show stupid, or dumb, YOU MADE THE JERSEY SHORE POPULAR, so I don’t really
care what opinions you might have. But back to reviewing the episode- In this
neat little set of storylines we get to follow that dynamic duo Beavis and
Butthead as they try to, ahem, ‘get fat and stuff, so they can score hot
chicks.’ We also follow them as they continue to fuck with the fast-food
system, by abusing their bathroom breaks, so they can get paid to sit on the
can. It’s like these two LIVE the American Dream really, and to top it all off,
they rip on the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Jersey</st1:placename>
<st1:placetype w:st="on">Shore</st1:placetype></st1:place> and 16 and Pregnant
in-between jokes. Seriously, if you have not been watching this new season of
Beavis and Butthead, then get your head out of your pretentious ass, and DVR
that shit. Don’t actually try to watch it live though- it’s an unproven fact
that even watching the promos for MTV shows murders brain cells, and do you
really want to risk that? A very high Classy from me, keep it up Mr. Judge.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Watch it with me, here: <a href="http://www.mtv.com/videos/beavis-and-butt-head-season-9-ep-5-supersize-me-bathroom-break/1674558/playlist.jhtml#series=2211&seriesId=37392&channelId=1">http://www.mtv.com/videos/beavis-and-butt-head-season-9-ep-5-supersize-me-bathroom-break/1674558/playlist.jhtml#series=2211&seriesId=37392&channelId=1</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl90VYrTOJu78fKRyyo0d4hvN5FfFXU2_-wl-eJpl_HOYMAVbt2ztAVGn3jCuVn8nz7AcuY7dI8Rc-KmzkCCZfd-EcT1vqtKZOr2gIwO8YfAGL8FvptQsbYg-fOTAlFD81JeGT9qxiNTyp/s1600/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl90VYrTOJu78fKRyyo0d4hvN5FfFXU2_-wl-eJpl_HOYMAVbt2ztAVGn3jCuVn8nz7AcuY7dI8Rc-KmzkCCZfd-EcT1vqtKZOr2gIwO8YfAGL8FvptQsbYg-fOTAlFD81JeGT9qxiNTyp/s320/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-23730563163357155192011-11-21T19:39:00.001-08:002011-11-21T19:42:17.215-08:00Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"It doesn't take the most powerful
nations on Earth to create the next global conflict. Just the will of a single
man."<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
-Vladimir
Makarov</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXEoxLVZ7TyPhAtMN0Y32KeW2e49WZHfXHZFODDMoDCYRMV_vA1Q-zqfIiZxq2xWTExpdhqmfAk6xlssQSwIEHPjHvVRyO9MMnd6wQ5M15HU21TW_E0kAtSsqfE-x9tR4VhHW3EeSLzGpH/s1600/codmw3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXEoxLVZ7TyPhAtMN0Y32KeW2e49WZHfXHZFODDMoDCYRMV_vA1Q-zqfIiZxq2xWTExpdhqmfAk6xlssQSwIEHPjHvVRyO9MMnd6wQ5M15HU21TW_E0kAtSsqfE-x9tR4VhHW3EeSLzGpH/s1600/codmw3.png" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
Here’s a short
haiku I was inspired to write about Call of Duty MW3:</div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This story is dumb<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Multiplayer is dumb-er<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I keep getting shot<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Yea, that about sums up my Call of
Duty experience folks. In campaign mode you just shoot, in multiplayer mode you
just shoot and get shot, and the whole thing just plays like the last game. Buy
it so you can play with your friends or whatever (I mean, why, when there’s, y’know,
fucking Halo), just don’t bitch to me that I didn’t give you as fair and honest
a review as I could. I’m so tired of money grabbing shit like this. It gets a
Trashy, and should be happy it got that much from me. </div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_06rs2kdTuRH4x0_Unq-H69deWp3KBtMfUFbHeVj23409GmNriAU3auM7D1ZWaU1xqhEUlnyXlOF3t5b3F7AQQ18uH4TWFpuw6LEf87O-6RumMMU-Uwv71MK1te8oOKF-vqWBtdzea8Fa/s1600/redneck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_06rs2kdTuRH4x0_Unq-H69deWp3KBtMfUFbHeVj23409GmNriAU3auM7D1ZWaU1xqhEUlnyXlOF3t5b3F7AQQ18uH4TWFpuw6LEf87O-6RumMMU-Uwv71MK1te8oOKF-vqWBtdzea8Fa/s1600/redneck.jpg" /></a></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-39599283442866388462011-11-21T19:22:00.001-08:002011-11-21T19:23:44.416-08:00Skyrim Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But...
there is one they fear. In their tongue... he is 'Dovahkiin' - Dragonborn!”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
-Esbern</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95LIXN4MJC1_Y_LuMIwHvHKu8Aqkt8ru9KkZeHiRKFh7jAWQkx0ma5b8Ras5DqIHONzWzIR2CZoKymZuSvcpX-7Y9ReByhAg5KMLZumHDIs-v_o7j_FsoBqG-J_cy0lyMlemiNBDPBrnS/s1600/skyrim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95LIXN4MJC1_Y_LuMIwHvHKu8Aqkt8ru9KkZeHiRKFh7jAWQkx0ma5b8Ras5DqIHONzWzIR2CZoKymZuSvcpX-7Y9ReByhAg5KMLZumHDIs-v_o7j_FsoBqG-J_cy0lyMlemiNBDPBrnS/s1600/skyrim.jpg" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
Okay, y’all are
lucky I had to have my wisdom teeth forcibly ripped out of my mouth, and for
such reason am bedridden, else this little review might not have even gotten
done. Now, for those of whom who <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">haven’t
</b>played Skyrim and are reading this, get the FUCK UP OFF YOUR LAZY ARSE, AND
GO PICK UP MOTHERFUCKING SKYRIM. And don’t whine to me about how much money it
costs, or how much time it takes to play, you’ll be thanking me after you’ve
personally raped your first dragon. And for those of you who <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">have</b> played Skyrim, I know that the
only reason you’re even reading this right now is either to be nice, and toss a
little charitable reading my way, or because you’re like all those douche-bags
on r/atheism who just love to hear someone else agree with them on the obvious.
And who am I to deny you that? Really though, I’m kind of compelled to write
this simply because I myself need to put to words just how awesome this game
is, if only because it’s actually physically hard to keep this exuberant love I
hold for this game in my heart, down. I mean, there’s just so much to DO. I’m
not talking about just multi-tasking, I’m talking about tasks upon tasks upon
TASKS are what you’ve got to look forward to here, and you’re gonna wanna do
each and every damn one of them! Not to mention the fact that besides having
your quests being interrupted by more quests, you’ll also have your quests
interrupted by periodic smithing, fighting off bandits, oh yea, and the occasional
DRAGON. They’re actually ALL OVER THE PLACE in this game, and if my constant
use of caps lock hasn’t gotten the message across to you yet, they’re awesome.
After taking down you’re first dragon, you’re going to feel awesome- you’re
second equally awesome. But when you finally take down you’re third dragon, by
yourself, out of nowhere- you’ll know that you were personally born to be the
essence of all that is hardcore and fucking metal in the world. I’m only at
level 15, and allow me to just say now, if this game does not literally knock
the socks off of your feet, then I will burn my disc. And let me tell you right
now son- I have no intention of doing so- EVER. FUCKING CLASSY GAME.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV98joy7h_dDiLZn0vSirisUlOMJ9woA_kF-F-i3DfeqfuO0QeLWDMJERwSp-es96cwrQx_htJi_lyqIbQbO-EQv7BXG0VbvTqhQXQr7kks0ZtIGtUq4GwpZH5BFPtg3AnWXaUba8WGSbQ/s1600/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV98joy7h_dDiLZn0vSirisUlOMJ9woA_kF-F-i3DfeqfuO0QeLWDMJERwSp-es96cwrQx_htJi_lyqIbQbO-EQv7BXG0VbvTqhQXQr7kks0ZtIGtUq4GwpZH5BFPtg3AnWXaUba8WGSbQ/s320/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-67048999183968884992011-11-13T18:28:00.001-08:002011-11-13T18:32:09.726-08:00Misfits Season 3- Episodes 1 & 2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Trust me, there’ll be shit. It’s in the air.
I can smell it.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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-Rudy</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWAvJXUbdNHtpdtsJiD3zcgp8V67UPyX-ABCMHf_fWtl3ImfcQWBkse1LgKnykP-VZUzhYtosvdejUbyNYYH1Ejy7NVK7LaEmO7t4-J16Tb1Ek9F8RsfBav1rqCOQr7DwpN3t4PZ0O3tzy/s1600/misfits+season+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWAvJXUbdNHtpdtsJiD3zcgp8V67UPyX-ABCMHf_fWtl3ImfcQWBkse1LgKnykP-VZUzhYtosvdejUbyNYYH1Ejy7NVK7LaEmO7t4-J16Tb1Ek9F8RsfBav1rqCOQr7DwpN3t4PZ0O3tzy/s1600/misfits+season+3.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well,
what is there to be said? Misfits is back, things are right again with the world
I suppose. Actually, after watching the first two episodes of season 3, it’s
more like the opposite- don’t get me wrong, I think they’re brilliant. The new
guy, Rudy, sure, he’s no Nathan, but he’s still pretty good. He’s an asshole,
but I’m kind of excited that he’s more fleshed out like this, it’s interesting,
it’s gonna give the show some good drama to work off of later on, and it’s nice
to see they didn’t just try and pretend like he was exactly the same as Nathan,
didn’t treat their audience like complete idiots. But anyway, what I’m saying
is, is that the new season is starting off brilliant, but I would have to say I
was a liar if I didn’t admit that their stories are so completely fucked up
that I can’t believe there’s actually a station as cool as E4 to show them.
Their new powers are also very cool, and while in the first episode I was a little
put off by how specific they were, worried that maybe that would put too much
of a tax on the writers to create good stories, I was pleased in the second
episode how well they actually pulled off what could definitely be considered
the most controversial power of the group, Curtis’ turning into a girl. Very
pleased (and totally disturbed) by the shows first few new episodes, and
looking forward to a whole ‘nother season of kids calling each other fit, and
trying not to be caught with two more dead bodies buried in their back yard. A
very happy Classy, and hey, why take my word for it, check out the episodes for yourself: <a href="http://www.videobb.com/watch_video.php?v=VreyeH7t5YvH">One</a> & <a href="http://www.videobb.com/watch_video.php?v=h6pI9nHCTcul">Two</a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ1uHaBXhTGWPMKhgzwts4yNUTRUMTY_HCUNhVnJJTCfl0EKzXKUfIMyrL2ZHV2KWd8eobTA_Z8pmDXlbbdifQgP1dUskit0hCNl33yZ_7SGc-DxQt838ZxU8f1HGIXGG77kHh7IUdC20f/s1600/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ1uHaBXhTGWPMKhgzwts4yNUTRUMTY_HCUNhVnJJTCfl0EKzXKUfIMyrL2ZHV2KWd8eobTA_Z8pmDXlbbdifQgP1dUskit0hCNl33yZ_7SGc-DxQt838ZxU8f1HGIXGG77kHh7IUdC20f/s320/Classy+as+all+hell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-17586559504997754722011-11-09T17:48:00.000-08:002011-11-09T17:48:57.645-08:00The History of Australia<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Australian Book of Etiquette is a very
slim volume.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
-Paul
Theroux</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0kdzuC07DjhQ_YvPtVidPCkuVZEugg0fjaWTQcSWqjMuOBzHrSmn_ZEEkApDlkdzNJQI8MdHLgj6Cb6koTcUVHseJxnM7a6PIQVshQgqsOwKrWwOj2jx-6lcNp-OIjEGufmx2-nv8n6TJ/s1600/australian+flag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0kdzuC07DjhQ_YvPtVidPCkuVZEugg0fjaWTQcSWqjMuOBzHrSmn_ZEEkApDlkdzNJQI8MdHLgj6Cb6koTcUVHseJxnM7a6PIQVshQgqsOwKrWwOj2jx-6lcNp-OIjEGufmx2-nv8n6TJ/s1600/australian+flag.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There
are some out there who would tell you that a man who goes to a fancy gala, only
to get drunk, loud, and abusive to those around him (both verbally and
physically), could never be consider ‘of class.’ They will tell you that there
is no possible way that such a loathsome boar could ever be in a position of
respect, and should be disregarded completely, if one wishes to preserve their
own esteemed social status. These people are idiots. They fail to realize that
the man described IS classy, he is simply out of his natural element- and that
element is <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>.
I say this because there are some of you who are familiar with The Great Down
Under, and therefore may be a bit perplexed as to why I’ve come to the
conclusion that it is indeed, extremely classy. Don’t get me wrong, Australia
is populated by the offspring of criminals, its wildlife seem to have been
designed by God for the sole purpose of murder, and if there is a reason that all
the continents split apart, it’s probably because all the continents were
scared shitless of Australia, and wanted to get the fuck away from it as soon
as possible. But think about it: there are those who try to be, ‘that guy,’ and
then there are those who are just born to be ‘that guy,’ and whatever
complaints you may have about them, you have to admit, nobody could do it quite
like them. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlhg2A6tFJoFrN5TpgrY8Y7_8x74eQg-jkD3AzVZV2-nI8aMq-r4EnvEVnJShX4VBePNob1XOXcaSV__nF9Xy_g4lMe6hyfr7RnPeytRS5Np5M2JNu1uyM3aXBNUKSW4ODZEtIv7_jRL9B/s1600/john+belushi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlhg2A6tFJoFrN5TpgrY8Y7_8x74eQg-jkD3AzVZV2-nI8aMq-r4EnvEVnJShX4VBePNob1XOXcaSV__nF9Xy_g4lMe6hyfr7RnPeytRS5Np5M2JNu1uyM3aXBNUKSW4ODZEtIv7_jRL9B/s1600/john+belushi.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">John Belushi, Ladies and Gentlemen</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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My friends, of all the world, <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region> is most certainly, ‘that
guy,’ and, well, that’s pretty fuckin’ classy in my book. In the hopes that you
agree, allow me to finally put this all behind us, and move onto the REAL
reason you’re reading this: to find out the story of Australia, the world’s
manly, obnoxious, kangaroo-infested testicles. Much like the <st1:country-region w:st="on">Americas</st1:country-region>, before it was colonized, <st1:country-region w:st="on">Australia</st1:country-region> was home to a whole bunch of
different<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Aborigines, tribes of
‘uncivilized’ people, who lived off of the land, and first settled in the
continent approximately 50,000 years ago from <st1:place w:st="on">South East
Asia</st1:place>. The Aboriginal people were very separated, however, as they
spoke numerous different languages, with about 250 different recorded tongues
by the time the British populated Sydney Cove. This can be attributed, however,
to the world the people were living in- it was every man for himself in early <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>, you
couldn’t trust anyone or anything. One second you could be resting your head on
an oddly shaped rock, next second you could be fighting a vicious rock-shaped
armadillo-spider that shot poison from it eyes. Surviving day to day in
Australia was a lot like waking up each morning to fist-fight nature, and the
fact that so many survived using simple technologies like spears and rocks
(real rocks, not the poisonous kind), is a testament to how impossibly bad-ass
and hardcore the Aboriginal people were. That is, until, <st1:place w:st="on">Europe</st1:place>
showed up. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC6PEeT43v81akQK-fD6JsSpDjX0z10ktYwURVG8wZiIorxB7RliRsCdq8oGvUG6JHugK_Gpv97v2WfYe66FVPWMv4Mj4WQJ6X4DRaS4RDvI8nhkHkVKjBLJBUAFI9j9P78mrUHb_BrD1k/s1600/Tasmania.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC6PEeT43v81akQK-fD6JsSpDjX0z10ktYwURVG8wZiIorxB7RliRsCdq8oGvUG6JHugK_Gpv97v2WfYe66FVPWMv4Mj4WQJ6X4DRaS4RDvI8nhkHkVKjBLJBUAFI9j9P78mrUHb_BrD1k/s1600/Tasmania.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hmmm... spacious, fertile, pre-inhabited... alright, I'll take it! Now get out."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>
was first discovered by a famous Dutchman, Willem Janszoon, in 1606, who came
to the land on his rather sissily named boat, the Duyfken, or, in regular
people speak, the Little Dove. Proving that you can’t judge a book by it’s
dainty, pink colored cover, Janszoon proved to be hard enough to actually meet
with the Aboriginal people, the first person in the world to achieve such a
feat. Still, Janszoon, and the few other explorers of <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>, only
managed to chart small sections of the continent; it wasn't until Abel Tasman
showed up that any real shit got done. Another Dutchman, Tasman made his first
journey down under in 1644, and quickly came to the (rather obvious) conclusion
that Australia was made up of fours coasts, a North, a South, an East, and a
West, a discovery that made him so famous that the Australian state of Tasmania
was named after him. Despite the fact that the Dutch had basically done all the
work discovering it, and along with the Spanish and Portuguese, had done all
the settling there for about 100 years, when the Brits showed up in 1770, they
claimed the whole continent for themselves, calling it New South Wales, because
as history has taught us, not only does England love to just claim other's work
for their own, they're really just evil geniuses at thinking up creative names-
think about it (New South Wales- NSW). I imagine there was a little fuss about
the whole thing by the Dutch, but whatever arguments they had probs sucked
anyway, seeing as how all the British were really doing was stealing the land
that the Dutch were stealing from the Aborigines, which is like a bully
complaining to a bigger bully about how the bigger bully was taking the lunch
money from the kid the smaller bully usually beat up for lunch money. Either
way, the Aborigines didn't really have a say in the manner, since they were
'uncivilized,' and therefore not considered people by Europe, all their
kick-ass survival instincts rendered useless by the fact that they didn't wear
silly powdered wigs. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilwhzNuIVi7W-GoeerP0aD0VjHyvjAi405WT0dx8MezQO0wZN3GMXQEETuHcGvC4bJCCcwgCKd_bsbqFrUZP2FVzGW8Y1zVHTOR3xYRCG8sgEl39hrJEgQy1yneB8sxHJWC1GbemMWlQcp/s1600/wigs.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilwhzNuIVi7W-GoeerP0aD0VjHyvjAi405WT0dx8MezQO0wZN3GMXQEETuHcGvC4bJCCcwgCKd_bsbqFrUZP2FVzGW8Y1zVHTOR3xYRCG8sgEl39hrJEgQy1yneB8sxHJWC1GbemMWlQcp/s1600/wigs.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Could YOU tell the difference?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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The worst part is that the Brits didn't even really want
the place, when Captain Cook (he was British, as if the name didn’t give it
away) first landed on Australia (or South Narwhale or whatever silly name they gave
it), he immediately realized that the land of Australia was like natures
minefield, and sending civilized people there was akin to sending people to
their deaths- Britain was caught in a conundrum. They couldn't colonize their
new land with wimpy settlers, because they'd probs be mauled to death in a
week, they couldn't sell the land to the Dutch, because the Dutch would probs
rename it something really dumb, and silly, and there was no way in hell they
could give it back to the Aborigines (because fuck half a million people who
didn't do anything wrong). So in 1788, <st1:country-region w:st="on">England</st1:country-region>
set up a penal colony in Port Jackson, and sent all their criminals to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>,
where they'd either be tough enough to survive the place, or just kill each
other off over time, hopefully taking a few hundred or so Aboriginal people
with them while they were at it. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegrOSP3Sbqmsfsl_J0DGk8sbhXnZgYCz9bU5-SYNyZlzsQVsJOCKgLef_LHq30DEicLaaAPRf7x6jdLDsMBowzmHRXCUjMlIwA8ZuDYhgn2S4wjg0GEL8yXof0rtO-q-j1aQuIyuI2fKx/s1600/batman+arkham+city.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegrOSP3Sbqmsfsl_J0DGk8sbhXnZgYCz9bU5-SYNyZlzsQVsJOCKgLef_LHq30DEicLaaAPRf7x6jdLDsMBowzmHRXCUjMlIwA8ZuDYhgn2S4wjg0GEL8yXof0rtO-q-j1aQuIyuI2fKx/s1600/batman+arkham+city.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I swear, I've heard a plan just like this somewhere else...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Either way, that was two problems solved with
one move, and <st1:country-region w:st="on">England</st1:country-region> could
get back to wearing silly hats, and dealing with those silly upstart rebels in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">America</st1:place></st1:country-region>. On
January 26, 1788, the first 1500 British settlers, about half of them convicts,
landed on the coast, and created the first Australian colony, as well as what
is now known as Australia Day, basically like American Thanksgiving and Fourth
of July rolled into one, which is pretty sweet. An interesting side-note,
however, it is generally agreed by all historians that the whole event would
have been a lot more epic if halfway through their long-ass voyage, the
prisoners had pulled a con-air, which, for all the colonists involved, would
probs have been a better alternative than actually making it to Australia,
where their very presence immediately fucked up the entire ecosystem. You see,
because Britain and Australia are a good kajillion miles apart from each other
or so, the Aussies had never suffered the same sicknesses and colds that so
many Europeans suffered for centuries, so when the British arrived, nice and
ill from their stuffy, unhealthy, sea voyage, they weren’t exactly in the best
of shape to begin with. Soon, the germs started to spread, and when it reached
the Aborigines, who had no immune system to the stuff, the people started to
drop like flies the second they got the sniffles.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAnXAEPEloZGP81hiky-r62HrjHvJG95hLhEYMmBMTlb_KjRJlb2arJb18IKwgrdjBN03HEcATk0-fQlsukOFrkl7Um5EK9Mofm60d-wFpBAqVGa_rk3eFKV9WdIRsusZS69oXl8GnI3pY/s1600/sick+person.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAnXAEPEloZGP81hiky-r62HrjHvJG95hLhEYMmBMTlb_KjRJlb2arJb18IKwgrdjBN03HEcATk0-fQlsukOFrkl7Um5EK9Mofm60d-wFpBAqVGa_rk3eFKV9WdIRsusZS69oXl8GnI3pY/s1600/sick+person.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A light cough you say? I'm afraid we'll have to put you down.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Still, hundreds of settlers
would ship in all the time, boat by boat, fleet by fleet, forming six different
colonies in the process. It is important to note the reason they came though,
it would have to be something pretty special after all, if they were willing to
endure living with hundreds of prisoners, the deadliest plants and animals ever
known to man, as well as the growing number of Aboriginal corpses struck by the
common cold- gold. Due to the fact that the Aborigines had been too busy
spending their years in Australia trying not to be punched to death by
kangaroos, the vast surplus of precious minerals present in the land had
remained relatively untouched, inciting thousands of Europeans to throw their
entire lives away to go jones-in’ for some gold. In between being reckless
greedy lunatics, however, the people managed to find the time to start
rebelling against the crown, like the Americans, creating several different new
states, such as Victoria, Queensland (oh the irony), Tasmania, as well as
Western and South Australia. It was around this time, 1860, that England finally
stopped sending convicts over, more than likely not for the reasons you would
suspect (such as the fact that the idea of creating an entire continent of
criminals is INSANE), but because the costs of shipping were getting too high,
and they didn’t need to populate the place anymore than it already was- by 1860
approximately 160,000 convicts had been sailed to Australia. Also the convicts
they had been sending ended up doing crazy shit like <a href="http://www.badassoftheweek.com/nedkelly.html">this</a>. Settlers would also stop coming
to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>
around this time, as the gold was beginning to dry up, and living next to a
motherfucking army of convicted felons just isn’t worth it sometimes. As the
money dried up, so did the trade, and soon a harsh depression struck the land.
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZIqqeEBtSelMKidIzwBg3RmIGQ-bncezy76MJCpnbOHXh9HrQA32h8w4bnnTl8X60sTi-WQzwivmdQul6kWEcTcO5pYgqqcMtSNFDlUxI8Kis1ETFslC6hoTZmUx9v2Ek7jzJLSp405sO/s1600/australian+protestor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZIqqeEBtSelMKidIzwBg3RmIGQ-bncezy76MJCpnbOHXh9HrQA32h8w4bnnTl8X60sTi-WQzwivmdQul6kWEcTcO5pYgqqcMtSNFDlUxI8Kis1ETFslC6hoTZmUx9v2Ek7jzJLSp405sO/s1600/australian+protestor.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's part of the 99%- The 99% who haven't been mauled by a dingo, that is.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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It went on for several more years until all the Australian states finally just
threw up their hands and said “Fuck it, let’s work together.” And so, in 1901,
the <st1:placename w:st="on">Federal</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Commonwealth</st1:placetype>
of <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>
was formed to pool together profits, keep stricter control over the economic
market, enforce their silly accent, and try to keep track of the population,
which was looking pretty grim at the time. There were about 4 million
non-indigenous living in Australia in 1901, the indigenous population being
somewhere around only 93,000- compare that to 100 years earlier when the
population of Aborigines was 300,000, and you begin to see why it was also in
the 20th century that the Aussies finally decided to lend a helping hand to the
guys who’d been saving their spots in the continent since 500,000 BC. The only
problem was that their idea of a ‘helping hand,’ was like Hitler trying to help
the world by eradicating the Jews- okay not exactly that bad, but still pretty
shitty. Believing that all the Aborigine people wanted was to be civilized, the
Australian gov’t tried to help keep them healthy by segregating them from
regular Aussies, and later assimilate them by taking away all their rights as
people in return for property that they didn’t ask for, and when you think about
it, the gov’t had no right to give away. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6dwFNwyOeFJ9nXZ211rIRl1JPXBKNDqzXznMnpHejcTtT9eMRE3pnvA4FcLdplNVUcA12vR5v0grH2mk_eZ7fpDt8CLPiVexSyqxN9URVzSi9O1O6fOMBJL4NjTbGXGWdyfFQR6bdrUvo/s1600/giving.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6dwFNwyOeFJ9nXZ211rIRl1JPXBKNDqzXznMnpHejcTtT9eMRE3pnvA4FcLdplNVUcA12vR5v0grH2mk_eZ7fpDt8CLPiVexSyqxN9URVzSi9O1O6fOMBJL4NjTbGXGWdyfFQR6bdrUvo/s1600/giving.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here, have some dirt. Now don't go spending it all in one place you scamp!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
And while all this was going on, the
World Wars were starting, with many young Australian men jumping into the
action, expecting the war not to be any harder than the daily dingo wrestling
match, believing that they’d be home by Christmas. In a way they were right,
fighting war is like wrestling a dingo- if the dingo was armed with a gun and
mustard gas. Of the 400,000 that signed up for war in 1914, a good 60,000 were
killed in action, another good portion left crippled and wounded. Still, the
bravery the Aussies showed in war was a great pride point to them, so much so
that there is actually a day in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>
known as Anzac day, when the surviving soldiers from the first World War would
gather together and reminisce about the most devastating war of their youth.
The Aussies fought with the Allies in the second World War as well, with the
bonus that the war was used as a chance by the gov’t to make political
connections with other countries, so they could maybe add more friends to their
Facebook page, like the US, and China. After the wars, Australia enjoyed many
years of prosperity and progress- the Aborigine were finally respected as
actual human beings (that really shouldn't have to be an achievement), they managed
to channel all their violence into football (not football as in soccer, I mean
football as in motherfucking FOOTBALL [or as they would call it, Grid Iron,
which really should be the international name for the game anyway, much less
confusing, also a bit more hard as balls]) international trade bolstered the
Australian market, and helped attribute to their growing culture, funding such
projects as the Sydney Opera House, which, while it is absolutely brilliant,
was like building a jewelery store in the middle of a battlefield. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaXNq8So9c7wUMOqhyphenhyphengqA2jSCyR1vjZnyBR2EmSMu5OpbGSfz5901CojhKYxeawIbfHSEQUzfcKLjrwWmRmMvqepGfXt0b1sLZ91pc8vm5_j_34JFHgLcguZJW1X5VUdoLV8gLdBpj-Ofg/s1600/sydney+opera+house.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaXNq8So9c7wUMOqhyphenhyphengqA2jSCyR1vjZnyBR2EmSMu5OpbGSfz5901CojhKYxeawIbfHSEQUzfcKLjrwWmRmMvqepGfXt0b1sLZ91pc8vm5_j_34JFHgLcguZJW1X5VUdoLV8gLdBpj-Ofg/s1600/sydney+opera+house.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">By day it is an opera house, by night- IT. IS. THUNDERDOME.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Australian
culture was especially relevant to American Hollywood, where a period grew
during the 60's and 70's of filmmakers and screenwriters buying Australian
films and scripts, to sell to the American audience. This system did have it's
flaws however, like when a large US film company, who shall remain nameless,
bought the home videos of an Australian police officer named Mel Gibson, who's
name they also misspelled, calling the series of 'movies,' he starred in, 'Mad
Max.' In fact, it was because of this mistake that Mel Gibson decided to become
an actor in the first place, despite suffering from a serious mental disease,
known as being an insane little bigoty cunt-face. Many other Australians have
reached world wide fame as well, such as Steve Irwin's accent, which was taken
from us too soon, when Irwin, a crocodile hunter, attempted to hunt or play
with (or whatever he actually did to animals to get him called ‘hunter’ when he
in fact laid to rest not one living creature, not even an alligator) a
poison-filled killer sting ray, and, well, you can see where I’m going with
that. But to get back on topic, we must remember the true power of <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>: those
testicle-shitting badasses we know to day as Australians? Before they reached the
continent down under- they were Europeans. EUROPEANS. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIiZ5blNE8Xb0VQj3VXCyhlWVOkFCDuKpkHrwufqv8mhT0AOrn8AJ91PcrbTbMaXYj1hE7B8wttSTXGEUOzgphIPJjBw4XddrRJ2CmPwhnU-r52sFZ-k1ye90_dwUQQp7WoE48WRDARJ9_/s1600/frenchman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIiZ5blNE8Xb0VQj3VXCyhlWVOkFCDuKpkHrwufqv8mhT0AOrn8AJ91PcrbTbMaXYj1hE7B8wttSTXGEUOzgphIPJjBw4XddrRJ2CmPwhnU-r52sFZ-k1ye90_dwUQQp7WoE48WRDARJ9_/s1600/frenchman.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not manly? Moi?!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The same people who
brought you fancy dresses and tampons, somehow became the people who actually
have a stereotype off pulling out their obnoxiously large knives in public
drinking spots, and then comparing them (okay so they’re a little insecure, but
like I said, EUROPEAN). This effectively makes Australia like one of those
“Pray the Gay Away” Christian camps, except for pussies, and as exemplified by
the local fauna and flora, GOD HAS NO PLACE IN AUSTRALIA. So, to wrap up, the
next time you see an Outback Steakhouse commercial, or something else along
those lines, just remember this video, which by the way, is not a video of
bunch of Australians fighting, this is a video of a bunch of Australians fucking
PLAYING.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/DUxkN7VkdMQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Reference:<span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"><div>
<a href="http://www.dfat.gov.au/aib/history.html" target="_blank">http://www.dfat.gov.au/aib/history.html</a></div>
<div>
<a href="http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0107296.html" target="_blank">http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0107296.html</a></div>
<div>
<a href="http://www.australianexplorer.com/australian_history.htm" target="_blank">http://www.australianexplorer.com/australian_history.htm</a></div>
</span>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-86778517372687761192011-10-29T11:53:00.000-07:002011-10-29T11:54:01.176-07:00The History of Halloween<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Celtic society, like all early societies,
was highly structured and organized, everyone knew their place. But to allow
that order to be psychologically comfortable, the Celts knew that there had to
be a time when order and structure were abolished, when chaos could reign. And
Samhuinn, was such a time.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
-
Philip Carr-Gomm</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKNvV-izAt9G90h-SIEr6Jzivt9m9sF-2Bt5_cfAyuxqDNlT1z80zAa5tlkpf73o3UOO-3lAu58_JwK2mnrWhMBhvXwn-sfwFWgYTiI3bIqP2AUhh20wxLjXvl8k8bYtSCYmjiW34mrha8/s1600/halloween.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKNvV-izAt9G90h-SIEr6Jzivt9m9sF-2Bt5_cfAyuxqDNlT1z80zAa5tlkpf73o3UOO-3lAu58_JwK2mnrWhMBhvXwn-sfwFWgYTiI3bIqP2AUhh20wxLjXvl8k8bYtSCYmjiW34mrha8/s1600/halloween.jpg" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
And
here we are, the final week of October, and I, being the Holiday enthusiast
that I am, have decided to treat what few readers I have with something special
to let them know that I appreciate it- for the first time ever, a third essay
in one month. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t have any money left, I spent
it all on Batman and pizza, just like you should’ve. And honestly, I couldn’t
have picked a worse time to ‘reward’ you fools, two essays down and I’m running
out of adjectives and descriptions for ‘scary.’ So just remember while you’re
reading, should you come across any sentences that strike you as being a bit
crazy, I’m doing my best, and pulling out all the stops- because this is
MOTHERFUCKING HALLOWEEN. Shit’s sacred. It’s little kid’s excuse to dress up
and get free candy, and adult’s excuse to see their female acquaintances in
skimpy versions of regular clothes (I’m talking about you Sexy Janitor costume-
those are just two words that just shouldn’t go together). But what really
makes it so brilliant, is that it’s every man, woman, and child’s excuse to
look Polite Society in the eyes, and simply say, “Fuck it, you know what, I
think I WON’T wear a business suit to work, I’m gonna dress up as Batman and HR
can just suck my chocolate covered milk duds if they think they can do anything
about it.”</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZC9oUHVOwbqpgcJvvm_afUEVs86i2SV_KpZcBc7ZVpqOo9wbJ3s-FFZi6Q3geWJF-yJ9t-ottqQmmdCO7ubNpUZRhKDabRIvhafynMn4KsnPT9nguUdhssUnwtYzTeLEdwxJeYfVyUJVC/s1600/batman+costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZC9oUHVOwbqpgcJvvm_afUEVs86i2SV_KpZcBc7ZVpqOo9wbJ3s-FFZi6Q3geWJF-yJ9t-ottqQmmdCO7ubNpUZRhKDabRIvhafynMn4KsnPT9nguUdhssUnwtYzTeLEdwxJeYfVyUJVC/s1600/batman+costume.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Just be happy I didn't get the one with the nipples."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
You know that nice kid in gym who helped you find your glasses after
class? That’s the same kid who’ll be leaving a bag of flaming excrement on your
front lawn come Halloween, with a smile on his beet-red face, and a vulgar joke
oozing from his lips. And it’s all thanks to the Celts- allow me to explain. Back
in about 5<sup>th</sup> century BC, <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ireland</st1:place></st1:country-region> was populated by an
especially powerful tribe-like pseudo-society called the Celts. You may have
heard about them because, while they certainly weren’t the most popular of
early civilizations, they were definitely the most beloved, because while civs
like Egypt and Greece and others were making mythical creatures that wanted
devour your soul, and turn you to stone, and basically kick the living shit out
of you just for being mortal, the Celts were inventing MAGIC. It was the Celts
who thought up fantastical creatures like faeries, elves, trolls, as well as so
many other fascinating symbols and beings that are still incredibly relevant
today. How relevant? Just look at any movie, or book, or video-game that has to
do with fantasy, because you’ll basically be getting a straight-up first-hand
experience of ancient Celtic culture.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQUDfjBLshEwuOjrpxQCqwpKR8_Kqzutd21zeItGOl5qoOxwmS_UVtVy6Hdoh8w9TDufg-blE6TMq1to_i8iyZxK4veo-80j65Pjd79jn3oQzUAwqnqHczYMYIawrAl5tX-AyrMqQjLxYC/s1600/celts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQUDfjBLshEwuOjrpxQCqwpKR8_Kqzutd21zeItGOl5qoOxwmS_UVtVy6Hdoh8w9TDufg-blE6TMq1to_i8iyZxK4veo-80j65Pjd79jn3oQzUAwqnqHczYMYIawrAl5tX-AyrMqQjLxYC/s1600/celts.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A level 47 mage-class with his impoverished family.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
And somehow, the Celts managed to take
these amazing beliefs, and form it into a religion that could help dictate
their lives, forming a rather simple society operated by farmers, and led by
druids, men who claimed to be able to understand the natural forces of the
world, and could give the people advice on things like medicine (dirt, grass,
blood, or goat shit, pick your poison), relationship counseling (man >
woman), and most important, agriculture. The Celts ran their rudimentary
calendars around the harvest, dividing the years at the end of summer (the end
of the harvest season), and the beginning of winter (the beginning of the
sit-in-your-hut-trying-not-to-die-of-frozen-nutsack-syndrome season). On the
Roman Catholic calendar, this time was the last day of October, and the first
day of November, and was a VERY special time for the Celts. See, they noticed
that it was kind of funny how the world worked like that, how you could go from
a season full of life, growth, and abundance, to a season more dead and barren
than the sex life of your average redditor (I could probably get them to read
my essays if they would just stop looking at pictures of cats in silly clothes
every five goddamn seconds). Curious, they brought it up to their druids, who
came back with the perfect explanation- Druids: “Just don’t think about it.”
People: “But what about-” Druids: “HEY! LET’S HAVE A PARTY! RIGHT NOW!
EVERYBODY’S INVITED! FREE CAKE!” People: “Wha- oh, uh, o-okay then! Cool! I
guess we can just talk about this later then…” I mean that’s probs how it went
down. Maybe. Either way, what was born that day was (and is) one of the
greatest holidays to be celebrated EVER. The whole thing was called Samhain
(pronounced SOW-AN, but have fun reminding yourself that in your head every
time you read it as sam-hain), a day-long period when it was believed that the
world of the living and the dead crossed over, and whatever moral rules applied
on any other day, went right out the window with whatever fucks you possibly
had to give any other time of the year. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_TkVYvp2cP9soHz8NluGt0SgizwbU82E9RfisewOWPlsuQUAjnMV2lkpMc3nQw8FZUZSDZ35-iO3LZxaIkitIAassE8VN2Y4eJq-p2KDP_Zz0Ci32WlSh6YPFKADM9sD4GM-9g4UGU7gH/s1600/spider-man+falling+from+the+sky.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_TkVYvp2cP9soHz8NluGt0SgizwbU82E9RfisewOWPlsuQUAjnMV2lkpMc3nQw8FZUZSDZ35-iO3LZxaIkitIAassE8VN2Y4eJq-p2KDP_Zz0Ci32WlSh6YPFKADM9sD4GM-9g4UGU7gH/s1600/spider-man+falling+from+the+sky.png" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Huge bonfires were lit and people
danced around them having fun, playing with apples, oh and having random,
inappropriate sex with their friends and neighbors, all of which presented a
bit of a problem, specifically, all the annoying dead people walking around. You
see, besides being an awesome care-free day of not giving a shit, Sanhaim was
also the day when the dead were supposed to interact with the world of the
living, and if you just woke up from a long dirt nap to find a massive party
going down, don’t you think you’d like to get your crunk on with all your
widowed loved ones? The druids had apparently thought of that one though, and
instructed people to light fires and torches all around, to keep the dead away,
and to wear costumes and masks to keep the dead from recognizing them. It was
like if the nerds tried to go to the popular kid’s party, only to show up at
the door and have that one jocky douche-bag stand in their way and tell them
that they weren’t invited.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIhhVQDGo1yt2wTEZaXd1kCqNbphnVfXyWaUprf-qU1A3B8x9uU8L7IwNEv032xyt8Cw3F1_LhcVrsXE7OF6HsC-0tx4MqIYEQWUTFwpYx906L7TGEYaQ9Ty23vyVxeHzxXijqdD9KoSc5/s1600/college+douchebag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIhhVQDGo1yt2wTEZaXd1kCqNbphnVfXyWaUprf-qU1A3B8x9uU8L7IwNEv032xyt8Cw3F1_LhcVrsXE7OF6HsC-0tx4MqIYEQWUTFwpYx906L7TGEYaQ9Ty23vyVxeHzxXijqdD9KoSc5/s1600/college+douchebag.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sorry bro. The Orgy Party's full."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
This
went on for another couple of hundreds of years or so, with Samhain being
adopted by the Romans, who made a few changes to it, like dressing up as gods
of the underworld who represented early versions of monsters we use today, like
witches, and vampires. The Romans also brought some troubles to Samhain though,
like, for example, trying to fucking kill it off. You see, over time, Roman
Catholicism became the dominant religion in Ireland, the druids and the
nature-magic of the Celtic age replaced with the priests and God worshiping of
the new age, those creative Celts we have so much to thank for, slowly growing
into the drunken Irishmen we’ve come to know and love today. However, many of
the Celtic customs still remained, including the language, the architecture,
and the holidays, especially Samhain, which was still as wild and crazy as the
day it started, and even though it left many women spending their winters
trying to track down their baby daddies (but really, even if proper condoms had
been invented back then, do you actually think they would have used them),
Samhain was beloved by all those who happened to like fun- which means that it
pissed the Catholics off. No disrespect to my theist readers, whoever you may
be, but please recognize the fact that much of the history of the Catholic
Church boils down to political subterfuge, and frequent dick-measuring contests
(I’m not really sure who they’re trying to impress though, it’s not like their
five year old boy-friends have enough experience to judge [aaand it’s official,
if there IS a God, then I’m going to Hell]). So when they heard of a yearly
tradition where the only rule was ‘fun,’ they set off in their pope-mobiles to
shut that party off like a crew of grouchy 80’s comedy movie cops. Basically,
they made November 2<sup>nd</sup> the new date of their <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">toootally original</i> holiday called All Souls Day, or All-Hallows
Day. The celebration consisted of parades and bonfires, with people dressing up
as demons and angels, and despite it’s more restrictive rules, it was a lot
like that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">other</i> holiday, what was it
called again? Sockan? Softan? </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFyqeVXyw1PeO73esBSEELULJzQ6oHuXkyS-APz-rjzH5D4YFx_8bC_rGO-AdMld2LWTKbIsbQ70orjx-qXUQzQYBW5EwLpbAjnTKa2Ifq7j0TuVt6btNErm6vgSAbuY-bNSyzDRFGDThQ/s1600/hmmm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFyqeVXyw1PeO73esBSEELULJzQ6oHuXkyS-APz-rjzH5D4YFx_8bC_rGO-AdMld2LWTKbIsbQ70orjx-qXUQzQYBW5EwLpbAjnTKa2Ifq7j0TuVt6btNErm6vgSAbuY-bNSyzDRFGDThQ/s1600/hmmm.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hmmm... It had something to do with an enourmous orgy...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Well, while the church will never admit it, it is
theorized (and generally accepted) that this was a pretty obvious attempt to
overshadow, and hopefully eliminate good ‘ol Samhain- an attempt that, if it is
true, blew up right in their face. Because for some odd reason, the church
didn’t consider the possibility that placing their celebration holiday the day
after the biggest party of the year, and then expecting people to get off their
hung-over asses to show up, is like taking a group of people, putting
blindfolds on them, and then asking them to read you the bible. So, instead of
being buried, Samhain simply adopted a new name, ‘All Hollows Eve,’ which over
time, became the name we all recognize today- HALLOWEEN. Time continued to
progress, many, many decades passed, with Halloween becoming even more
interesting and exciting for each generation, while at the same time calming
down a bit, inviting in more people at a time, like younger children, who could
bob for apples with their friends, and dress in costumes, and be allowed to
join into the general festivities of the party, without having to worry about
accidentally becoming audience to their mom, their barber, and several other
people they’d never seen before going at it like they were playing naked
twister, before drunkenly dancing around a house sized bonfire. The most
progressive changes to Halloween actually happened during its migration to UHMERICA,
with colonists sometimes celebrating the holiday by gathering together and
telling ghost stories, dancing, singing, and lighting candles as was customary,
in order to ward off the dead. Many myths surround the candle lighting, as,
back then, the tradition was to carve out turnips, which were in abundance in
Ireland, stick a candle in there, and then light it and use it as a little,
nasty-tasting lantern.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgurL5Uiz4EivKcTLgvkxW70YuNVfYcRQ4MrkMuy3HC3bDRbgLTWx6o_drpeNS7pM5G0m1BlIzcNW82PiaRXTWutuFHv8yfYC3AyKDB2Mdufr6j90-WXk8nkYHSJbTyp9IH6YsvMxhlZ60D/s1600/pinapple+o+lantern.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgurL5Uiz4EivKcTLgvkxW70YuNVfYcRQ4MrkMuy3HC3bDRbgLTWx6o_drpeNS7pM5G0m1BlIzcNW82PiaRXTWutuFHv8yfYC3AyKDB2Mdufr6j90-WXk8nkYHSJbTyp9IH6YsvMxhlZ60D/s1600/pinapple+o+lantern.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I mean there are worse alternative of course.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Honestly, the closest thing you have to sense when it
comes to an explanation for that is an old Irish tale about some guy name Jack,
who one day met the devil, and clearly confusing the devil with a bear of some
sort, climbed up a tree. The Devil, Lord incarnate of all that is evil, vile,
and horrible in this world according to the Christian belief, who resides over
Hell, and is so powerful that it was predicted that He would one day battle God
himself, some how managed to climb up a tree after Jack. Until Jack jumped out
of the tree, and the Devil, Ultimate Prince of Darkness, had to ask Jack to
help him, because he was stuck in a fucking tree. Jack agreed, under the
condition that the Devil would back the fuck off for the rest of Jack’s life,
and leave him alone. The Devil had no choice (he couldn’t exactly call his
infinite legion of demon warriors who obey his every word to help him), and so
Jack got to derp around for many more years before he finally kicked the
bucket. But when he went up to the pearly white gates, he was denied entrance
for being an overall dick-hole his whole life. Pissed, Jack went down to hell,
but found the door locked, because the King of Darkness, the Torturer of the
Damned Eternal, didn’t want Jack to come in, on account of the fact that he was
a meanie.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2rQKr2A_I1WKIYl-raKsi9XPQcKlgCt9jslRBrcfkaCyAbynoVXa2EmPcpOolc4QcZGicS-NYFEoN18suJbm-Cagsnxq6RBUqFAY_h9dbPL-EsKQKz3CLsT8i2Fz3xHOAgB_O-cjG5iT7/s1600/the+devil.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2rQKr2A_I1WKIYl-raKsi9XPQcKlgCt9jslRBrcfkaCyAbynoVXa2EmPcpOolc4QcZGicS-NYFEoN18suJbm-Cagsnxq6RBUqFAY_h9dbPL-EsKQKz3CLsT8i2Fz3xHOAgB_O-cjG5iT7/s1600/the+devil.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm gonna tell God on you!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
After leaving what can only be described as a clearly mature, and
logical argument, Jack kind of just had to wander around, in-between the world
the living and the dead for a while, using a turnip and candle he found as a
lantern to light his way. In <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">America</st1:place></st1:country-region>,
pumpkins were used instead, and that story is apparently the reason they’re
called Jack O Lanterns. But don’t think the colonists were just sitting around
playing with candles and being all nice and friendly-like. Even back then,
people were still using Halloween as an excuse to raise hell, and make mischief
and whatnot. Mind you that this is during colonial times, so pranks like Toilet
Papering the neighbor’s yard were out of the question, mostly because when it
comes to toilet paper, like the condom, while it hadn’t been invented, I don’t
really believe they would have used it for its intended purpose anyway. Around
the middle of the 19<sup>th</sup> century, during the mass Irish migration due
to the potato famine, Halloween saw a second coming in America, going from a
small celebration some farmers here and there enjoyed, to a full on mass
Holiday, so much so, that by the beginning of the 20<sup>th</sup> century,
communities and towns all over the country realized that if they didn’t try and
set some guidelines for Halloween, people were gonna burn the whole damn nation
to the ground.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYF_D8O-ZgtLJGv4ItXYY04hstWzBV-5gL_r538uFz4ko2uznh1H90j4sMQgzS1XjOfUgg_0oO1c-HWVVPM8E9QGXg-hbtCFewrtuAo62ItDbTcl_FDAV8eTUVvVIioJirAK-AL6-psgHf/s1600/happy+halloween.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYF_D8O-ZgtLJGv4ItXYY04hstWzBV-5gL_r538uFz4ko2uznh1H90j4sMQgzS1XjOfUgg_0oO1c-HWVVPM8E9QGXg-hbtCFewrtuAo62ItDbTcl_FDAV8eTUVvVIioJirAK-AL6-psgHf/s1600/happy+halloween.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Great Haunted House Mishap of 1902</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Newspapers everywhere started publishing articles pushed forward
by community leaders, articles that were meant to try and get people to see
Halloween in a more family friendly light, without all the mischief making, and
ghosts, and witchcraft and stuff. While they did succeed in making Halloween
more family friendly, they didn’t exactly neuter the <st1:place w:st="on">Holiday</st1:place>,
as they also tried to let the celebration become more about getting together
with your friends and neighbors, i.e. waiting until the kids were gone, and
then throwing crazy-ass parties that would make their ancestors smile (before
they froze to death or whatever people did for fun back then). But let’s not
forget exactly what allowed Halloween to become so family friendly- when they
were trying to re-work Halloween’s image, many towns would focus on the new
tradition that had been becoming popular, of taking kids door to door,
costumed, and begging for food or money. Only what they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">didn’t </i>realize was the popular saying that had come along with the
tradition, where after someone answered the random child’s knock to the door,
the little tyke would say in a calm voice, “Trick or Treat,” which basically
was short for, “You sir have made the gravest of mistakes, simply by opening
your own door. Now that I know you are present in the domain, I will offer you
a choice- you respond positively to my demands for food, and whatever money you
can spare, or deny me what I ask, whereupon I will commence making your life a
living hell. I may not be of a physical stature capable of fighting you, sir,
but I will have you know that on this <st1:place w:st="on">Holiday</st1:place>
which I am currently celebrating, I no longer feel the moral boundaries that
contain me for the other 364 days of the year, and would contain me in this
very situation. For such reason, I can torture you in all ways mentally,
destroying your property, setting up simple yet time-consuming puzzles and traps,
which will inconvenience you at first, but over time, will slowly drive you to
the brink of insanity, with no inkling of remorse on my part. All of this will
come to pass, and more, unless you give me, and whoever else may be
accompanying me this evening, some goddamn apples, RIGHT NOW.” And that’s where
trick or treating comes from. Children using the threat of fucking up peoples
homes to extort from them whatever they wanted. Like adorable thugs. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ05ZC-bhO8MCEmYazHapIEn-708ex8Hq9e24Ag3SLckXNBSdL8CL78lip2ZgzwUyf59e5Wl6_Q9WPXM_XdmQswBfLvQnHvILVGkp1kzBgKkjtcUrNWG7or4W7bBnv777R23PRntIpQufd/s1600/trick+or+treat.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ05ZC-bhO8MCEmYazHapIEn-708ex8Hq9e24Ag3SLckXNBSdL8CL78lip2ZgzwUyf59e5Wl6_Q9WPXM_XdmQswBfLvQnHvILVGkp1kzBgKkjtcUrNWG7or4W7bBnv777R23PRntIpQufd/s1600/trick+or+treat.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Creepy thugs, or possible trick or treaters?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Still,
regardless of where it’s come, how it’s changed, what was true, and always will
be true is that Halloween, at its heart, is more than the sum of its parts. It
is more than getting to play pranks; it is more than getting to pretend you’re
something fantastical, even if only for a night; Halloween is the one night
which has served as a reprieve from the prison of society. We stay in the
prison by choice, despising it for the stress, indignation, and the constant
stifling it requires, but understanding that society also serves the purpose of
keeping the order necessary for us to work, at least somewhat peacefully,
together. But on Halloween, we no longer have to worry about social status,
about our constant battles of belief, about the problems we have to handle
everyday; we no longer have to worry about reason. I know it sounds incredibly
corny, but Halloween will always be my personal favorite Holiday, because on
Halloween, whatever age you are, whether you’re going out trick or treating for
the first time, or you’re going out in costume to spend your night partying
with friends (and getting EX-tremely drunk), you can truly allow yourself to
get wrapped up in the incomparable feeling of unlimited possibility. Before I bid
you adieu, I’d like to do something I haven’t done before, and dedicate this
essay to a group of very special people: The Westboro Baptist Church. The
single most dedicated group of trolls I have ever seen. Happy Halloween
everybody.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3O8ZCqh0Zj2gtldEIIio3iG-iFU9n_iP2npA0tFvLzKXiqXxcTmu0xQydE0bqzk1CjsPK8JEMupXghx73geFL5V_SiJzvaz5QSn7WJfaqqn9toGcrYAw8FowsPuwIKE_Z4GWbvIPQx-Lb/s1600/westboro+baptist+church.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3O8ZCqh0Zj2gtldEIIio3iG-iFU9n_iP2npA0tFvLzKXiqXxcTmu0xQydE0bqzk1CjsPK8JEMupXghx73geFL5V_SiJzvaz5QSn7WJfaqqn9toGcrYAw8FowsPuwIKE_Z4GWbvIPQx-Lb/s1600/westboro+baptist+church.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And a very Happy Halloween from the WBC.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; text-indent: 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-58213569542028572742011-10-24T11:28:00.000-07:002011-10-24T13:21:56.368-07:00The History of the Boogeyman<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hush, Hush, Hush- Here Comes the Boogeyman!</i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoListParagraph" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Henry Hall<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: 0.25in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyZHnTDgiKrbXToPleB7hMjxKAsZmb-0bZ8a4huUwvuk8DqcYiME6DZslwBV85bgTYivxKdxLEuAjGvwH99x9ZroCqnOz5MQMuWq4FJhCu0u2Jdurby5Mg9BxbyNwoA3yZvho57fn5l5JD/s1600/the+boogeyman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyZHnTDgiKrbXToPleB7hMjxKAsZmb-0bZ8a4huUwvuk8DqcYiME6DZslwBV85bgTYivxKdxLEuAjGvwH99x9ZroCqnOz5MQMuWq4FJhCu0u2Jdurby5Mg9BxbyNwoA3yZvho57fn5l5JD/s1600/the+boogeyman.jpg" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.25in;">
Alright people,
I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. For you I mean. For me, it’s all
about the good news, I’m like a newspaper’s worst nightmare. Whatever a
newspaper is (I’ve heard it’s like a shitty, paper-wasting hipster version of
reddit). Basically, the bad news is, I can’t give you a proper essay. I meant
to do it over the weekend, but then I started playing Bioshock, which should be
all the explanation necessary. I could work on a super long and awesome essay,
as per usual, but Batman Arkham City’s coming out, which should also be all the
explanation necessary. Fortunately, when I started looking up the boogeyman,
back when I still intended to write a full essay, I found out that there’s
about two actual links that have anything to do with the history of the
boogeyman, one of them is a Wikipedia article, and the other is written by some
guy who I’m pretty sure might be the extremely creepy reincarnation of Charles
Manson. All the other links were either about that shitty 2005 movie starring
Who Cares, or links to some conspiracy site about 9/11. Oh, and porn. Lots and
lot of boogeyman porn (oh internet, you rascal). But then I realized, hey, I’ve
given these people my heart, twice a month, for like, several months. I’m
allowed a bit of a reprieve (go ahead, try and complain in the comments
section- IT DOESN’T EXIST). So instead, I’ll be using the Wikipedia article I
found, and giving you my top five favorite boogeymen from across the world.
Enjoy.<br />
</div>
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<br />
Alright, just to
go over what I just said, in case it didn’t leave any impact in you- fucking
boogeyMEN. PLURAL. Let me describe to you the idea of the boogeyman, the
boogeyman is a monster that lives to terrorize children, it is the sum of all
your fears, it eats puppies, shits nightmares, and sweats un-drinkably warm
lime Gatorade. You wanna know where the boogeyman lives? Nowhere near you, just
IN YOUR GODDAMN BEDROOM. Best case scenario, he lives as far away as your
closet, most probable case scenario- under your bed (so the next time you do an
under the cover bed fart, remember- he smells them ALL). And now consider the
fact that there are more of these terror spewing bastards living all over the
WORLD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And here are, in my
opinion, the most irredeemable of the Undead Nazi level scary bunch:</div>
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5) El Cuco. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGIdwUuIisG_vcpyCicVcHPpcnBFqxSJs0Wc1FtXXjBtN2PIMeSRMKE67sbMFk94MrO3X0XyNcOFRKtcSG4jf59NzMGvJ1FCk9qagMLpzzX-NIdnhuMJClEZlHmZH_lng1W5cvvs8NMkyb/s1600/el+cuco.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGIdwUuIisG_vcpyCicVcHPpcnBFqxSJs0Wc1FtXXjBtN2PIMeSRMKE67sbMFk94MrO3X0XyNcOFRKtcSG4jf59NzMGvJ1FCk9qagMLpzzX-NIdnhuMJClEZlHmZH_lng1W5cvvs8NMkyb/s1600/el+cuco.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's like the great pumpkin, except it wants to devoure your soul.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
First off, don’t let the name fool
you. The Cuco (or El Cuco in Spain, where the monster originates) is a scary
figure that parents sing lullabies about to their children, before they go to
bed. Parents tell their children that if they do not go to sleep, then this
pumpkin-headed ghostly-ass mofo will come out from under their bed, and devour
them. First of all, I’d just like to question the logic behind that- you want
the kid to sleep, so you tell him something so tuh-tuh-terrifyingly scary that
there’s no way they’ll get to sleep, which said child needs to do if they don’t
want to continue pissing their bed every time they hear a cat start meowing at
the moon (as Spanish cats are wont to do). Seriously, parents are already
telling their kid a lullaby, a form of song that is meant to soothe a child
into sleep, why the hell do they need to add in the part about the homeless
pumpkin-ghost thing (I’m assuming it’s homeless, as it has decided to take up
tenent under a small child’s bed), that at any unspecified time, could up and
start snacking on the kid because his/her mother’s a goddamn sadist. Is it
because regular lullabies weren’t doing the trick? In which case, get some
singing lessons then! Hire a fucking mariachi band if you have to! The only
thing you’re doing with this Cuco shit is just terrorizing your naïve little
child, who only just learned how to control the whole bladder thing, and isn’t
really that good at it in stressful situations. And hey, in case the child just
happened to forget, Spain renamed one of the main characters on Sesame Street
to Coco, like some friggin homage. Ridiculous.</div>
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4) The Abu Rigl
Maslukha</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzs5873rooI8o9myLt0afFZ2fKAGDOYfRh2KtwNKDZ25mcThzbF3kgXrFStqpuRQUgPnawTPhFEZKRtaMx45hNUiCIty2F1solMO69e-Ii1nFiQRgHeHxkYOtf3fmsei0s2FeS2M_c8Ii5/s1600/man+with+one+leg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzs5873rooI8o9myLt0afFZ2fKAGDOYfRh2KtwNKDZ25mcThzbF3kgXrFStqpuRQUgPnawTPhFEZKRtaMx45hNUiCIty2F1solMO69e-Ii1nFiQRgHeHxkYOtf3fmsei0s2FeS2M_c8Ii5/s1600/man+with+one+leg.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It looks like this, except alot less admirable.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Say hello to the Egyptian
boogeyman, the Abu Rigl Maslukha, or, for you more non-Egyptian speaking fools
out there, the Man With Burnt Leg. Yeah. Let’s just soak in the fact that the
super-hardcore badass Egyptian’s scariest nightmare is a cripple. Apparently,
Egyptian parents tell their children the story of the Man With Burnt Leg (who I will from now on refer to as ‘Stubby’) in order to get them to behave,
and follow their orders. This is because apart from being a twisted scary
excuse to cry in public, Stubby is also a cautionary tale. Apparently, as a
child, Stubby didn’t listen to his parents, which somehow caused him to light
his leg on fire. Now remember, these people lived in the friggin DESERT, the
most exciting thing they had in their lives were rocks, and whatever they could
make with them. How in the hell Stubby managed to get into so much shit with
rocks that his own leg ignited into flame, is beyond me. For some reason this
caused him to be pissed off at literally everybody else, which may have
something to do with the fact that (and I’m just guessing here), when young Stubby
was rolling around in the sand screaming for somebody to help, the rest of his
friends and family were too busy being rock hard and emotionless to care.
Anyway, he now carries some vendetta against little children who don’t listen,
so he carries them home, then just straight up starts cooking and eating them.
There is of course a silver lining behind all this leg burning and child
eating- the fact that Stubby is able to cook proves that while the fire
definitely ruined his life, it did not keep him from doing what he loves. And
that’s what being a winner is all about.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>3)
The Sack Man</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQRkh47LKgkawjC9581OdI_BN7A8_v74S1C1NR7tnLSjk-gDH7H2JAC8kKNS0oDsjDoDGlIK5Ctxgq5fh2VbYzWXZcnUChFtQr_4nQmkKPs_2jlNpYmOkE8vFH9W75cTZO9CGLG5ILiBnp/s1600/trick+or+treaters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQRkh47LKgkawjC9581OdI_BN7A8_v74S1C1NR7tnLSjk-gDH7H2JAC8kKNS0oDsjDoDGlIK5Ctxgq5fh2VbYzWXZcnUChFtQr_4nQmkKPs_2jlNpYmOkE8vFH9W75cTZO9CGLG5ILiBnp/s1600/trick+or+treaters.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">When you think about it, everybody is really going as The Sack Man. And it's HORRIBLE.</td></tr>
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<br />
This one is especially scary,
mostly because it’s believed to have inspired just about every other Boogeyman
myth in Europe, not to mention that fact that, oh yea, it’s f-ing REAL. With a
name that already makes it sound like some sort of Euro-pedophile, the Sack Man
is this guy who spends his nights walking around town, finding disobedient
children, and then just shoving them into the sack he carries with him, so he
can take them god-knows-where. And unlike other boogeymen, the Sack Man isn’t
just some rogue monster that children should be scared of because even their
parents can’t seem to control it, no, the Sack Man is, in most places, a
psychotic murderer that’s been accepted by the society around him, so much so,
that parents actually fucking HAND kids over to him. Like, for example, if you
don’t want to eat your soup, sucks, because the Sack Man’ll be happy to have
some when he comes over to shove you in his child-bag, and replace you with
some awesome kid who’s respectful, and nice, and goes ape-shit for soup. Now
remember what I said earlier- this is based off fact. But that’s crazy right?
The idea that any society would be cool with some guy just coming and picking up
their kid, and taking them away in his evil man-purse/satchel of pure twisted
darkness. Well guess what, the idea wasn’t so crazy for 16<sup>th</sup> 17<sup>th</sup>
century Eastern Europe, who had an actual bag-man who’s job it was to find
orphan babies, stuff them in his sack, or basket, and then carry them with him
while he did his rounds, looking for other motherless and fatherless babies,
before he dropped them off at the orphanage. Of course, if you know anything
about babies, they’re like little people with bones made of glass and skin made
of that shitty tracing paper used in art class. So after being jostled
around in a bag slung over some dudes shoulders for a couple hours, they were
pretty much dead by the time they reached the orphanage. So yea, even a
pedophile might have been better than the alternative.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>2)
The New Jersey Devil</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR89-B9yI9AJR7J_ZTIsCDUVf-I_QQNBZV8dchPrEFuJBcBu8sRBcI_OzxSlT_WI9tXJFuETyNsZI93L2iXJX209dapLNcBkhL-iBd2r_u0ls_1WNDA_T-EGuWIjHzsr9LlfpCOF_y_Ebb/s1600/the+jersey+devil.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR89-B9yI9AJR7J_ZTIsCDUVf-I_QQNBZV8dchPrEFuJBcBu8sRBcI_OzxSlT_WI9tXJFuETyNsZI93L2iXJX209dapLNcBkhL-iBd2r_u0ls_1WNDA_T-EGuWIjHzsr9LlfpCOF_y_Ebb/s1600/the+jersey+devil.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Myth Debunked: It's just Sarah Jessica Parker on a trip to Jersey. Duh.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Now the scary thing about the
Jersey devil isn’t necessarily the creature itself, but the effect it seems to
have on those around it. It makes them stupid. The creature has some legend behind
it that has something to do with its mother being a witch who preached to
Satan, and asked ol’ Beelzebub for a child, and Satan, being a massive troll,
instead gave her some sort of horned, winged, horse looking thing, which before the
Witch (ugh) could even properly name (I think she wanted to call it Lucas or
something), flew off into the Pine Barrens, to go fuck up some poor deer. When
it comes right down to it, it’s the chupacabra for the North East, the
difference being that the second anybody catches word of it in the news,
literally everybody loses their shit. Take for example the week of January
16-23, 1909, when not one person, not two people, , but actual HUNDREDS of people accounted reports of the Jersey
Devil. The newspapers dubbed it Phenomenal Week,
and instead of treating it like the silly little hoax that it clearly was,
people went nucking futs, schools were closed, workers stayed home, a goddamn
church house was set on fire in one case, all this because, in most cases, one
person said he saw something, or some goddamn footprints showed up in the snow.
Then in 1960, some more spooky animal tracks were found around Mays Landing,
which prompted some merchants in Camden to pool their money together and offer
a $10,000 reward for the capture for the Jersey Devil. They also offered to
build a private zoo for the creature if it was captured, which after the money
they’d laid down just to catch the damn thing, I imagine looked a lot like a
cardboard box with ‘Jersey Devil’ written across it in Sharpie. Now before you
go crazy laughing at those simple people, going wild over such trivial, silly
things, over-exaggerating the most minute details to the point of insanity,
just remember- Rebecca Black. Yeah.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>1)
Der Schwarze Mann</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji-_NHOVDayIFF0IEm7KgzvOUlJm03StVQsIsQ4AQpmzysVfcXfgQiz1_9IFsgGhnueB1a8X8aGXYpWBq3PkKxfljScqLR5YceMiDGKgHXJTeXEmUjyuTN4SA23NRQcjMoGsmCGtWUC51S/s1600/der+schwarze+Mann.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji-_NHOVDayIFF0IEm7KgzvOUlJm03StVQsIsQ4AQpmzysVfcXfgQiz1_9IFsgGhnueB1a8X8aGXYpWBq3PkKxfljScqLR5YceMiDGKgHXJTeXEmUjyuTN4SA23NRQcjMoGsmCGtWUC51S/s1600/der+schwarze+Mann.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It really isn't helping that this is the only picture I could find of it on google.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
The German boogeyman is Der
Schwarze Mann, or, when properly translated, the black man. It was apparently
created before any German had even heard of the African race, but that doesn’t
matter, because the scariest thing to Germans is black people. There is even a
game for German children centered around this exotic creature, called ‘Who is
Afraid of the Black Man?’ I should probs say now that ‘Schwarz’ isn’t referring
to the skin, just the monster’s pension for hiding in black, or dark, places.
This does not change the fact that Germany is still, and always will be, That
Guy. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it, now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll
be getting back to playing Batman and laughing at Germany for continuing to fuck up
at proving they’re not just one big nation of jerks.</div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5899207082813287328.post-56607681070825457022011-10-12T20:19:00.000-07:002011-10-12T20:19:31.253-07:00The History of Clowns<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I had a friend who was a clown. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
-Steven
Wright</div>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoLvwh5PvtKOrGmKdxiVmsXUaPHieNhwAIfbro6-irzcF44ePDtVTclelgUryHokkt7pp_fiTKEob5d3I9kLdqhjyXk_Xg_thiKhnbFXlkqBzx4zDBTq-mEr73Q1Y8cHGwP3U2uKifLQ9B/s1600/clowns.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoLvwh5PvtKOrGmKdxiVmsXUaPHieNhwAIfbro6-irzcF44ePDtVTclelgUryHokkt7pp_fiTKEob5d3I9kLdqhjyXk_Xg_thiKhnbFXlkqBzx4zDBTq-mEr73Q1Y8cHGwP3U2uKifLQ9B/s1600/clowns.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
should not really have to explain why clowns were my first choice for my
“Scariest Shit Known to Man,” themed October essays, and I wouldn’t, except if
I don’t, then this essay would be way too short to submit. Also, I’m a total
sadist, and enjoy the idea of you missing out on another night of sleep because
you had to wake your mom up at one in the morning, just to help clean your
sheets, now soaked with pee (and RAW FEAR). But to contradict myself, I’m also
here to hopefully relieve some of the fears and misconceptions you may have
held about those men and women who dedicate their lives to mastering the
clowning arts, for example, the idea that all clowns are serial killers is
preposterous. Their entire job is to make you laugh! Gruesomely murdering you is
about as far from their job description as they can get, it’s like if a banker,
a person who’s entire job it is too protect your money, and keep it safe, just
started frivolously spending it without your permission! Preposterous! So you
see, just like bankers, and all those associated with banking and economic
protection in general, clowns only heartlessly destroy the lives of innocent,
random people, some of the time. Then again, clowns might not be the greatest
idea in the first place, which I say on account of the fact that apparently,
clowns were first invented by the Ancient Greeks. Remember those guys; the ones
who I explicitly said should just stick to math and philosophy? Well I guess
they got bored with that, and created the theatre, where orators would recount
famous tales and legends to the people, and men would go on stage and make
fools out of themselves for comedy.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMZpixZtiixwa6s5DAnItyIpsn4PVlskH-kSsEUrmrr10Dp7vn8URNfAhyphenhyphenBnoYnv8BYwIyXTJuvRc3a4Kol4Cts8itgAn1PKIX5BO3BEA-1W_140WKMpdFsQVdlaUHf_-_4QMqR1awxhbQ/s1600/Greek+clown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMZpixZtiixwa6s5DAnItyIpsn4PVlskH-kSsEUrmrr10Dp7vn8URNfAhyphenhyphenBnoYnv8BYwIyXTJuvRc3a4Kol4Cts8itgAn1PKIX5BO3BEA-1W_140WKMpdFsQVdlaUHf_-_4QMqR1awxhbQ/s1600/Greek+clown.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey, beats watching Leno.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
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Now, y’all know I hate to judge, but if a
clown’s entire point is to be ridiculous looking, then I’m not sure exactly how
he could have looked anything but normal in front of an audience of Ancient
Greeks. I’ve gone over this before, I love the Greeks, they were the first
civilization, but it’s just things like the fact that they basically never took
baths, yet they all wore towels around themselves, which just makes it hard for
me to take them seriously (also they all looked homeless). Apparently, the
Greek clown's role consisted of playing the foolish secondary character in
plays, or the humorous parody of a famous serious character. Oh yea and they
also were supposed to throw nuts at the audience. So clowns back then were a
lot like today except, y'know, we throw shit at them, instead of the other way
around. Still, while clowning originated in Greece, people believe that many
empires invented the idea of a funny idiot on their own, empires like China,
who had jesters performing in their courts since 1818 BC, as well as the Aztec
empire, the Roman empire, certain tribes of Native Americans, heck, evidence
has even risen up that a sort of pygmy clown was present in the court of
Egyptian pharaoh Dadkeri-Assi, the real marvel being that the Egyptians
actually laughed at something, instead of just looking at it stoically, before
crushing it under their feet. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicOb2IfjULHTteSmIYNH1z89TMSF9HV_7yBFj3CLaazmpkzFQ-HMiIAFIZQsIFsM56dYNVJEaPaGdnCAg2Lt06MIKJrQYkrPqKejnI3ybE_4u3x4V9UIhzGbuUP1kMusQzODfh7xhrgwgg/s1600/egyptian+clown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicOb2IfjULHTteSmIYNH1z89TMSF9HV_7yBFj3CLaazmpkzFQ-HMiIAFIZQsIFsM56dYNVJEaPaGdnCAg2Lt06MIKJrQYkrPqKejnI3ybE_4u3x4V9UIhzGbuUP1kMusQzODfh7xhrgwgg/s1600/egyptian+clown.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No, I do not know why the chicken crossed the road, I live in the DESERT.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
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Despite usually being horribly disfigured, or
having unattractive physical characteristics (which is clearly hilarious, and
something to be openly mocked by the public), many clowns throughout time have
played integral parts in important events and conflicts, twisting and shaping
history like the balloon animals of which they are so fond. For example, around
300 BC, when Chinese Emperor Shih Huang-Ti, tired of having his country invaded
by the freaking Mongols all the time, came up with the brilliant, tactical
solution to build a huge-ass wall around his country, it was his jester, Yu Sze
who finally spoke up when he thought the whole plan was going a little too far.
See, ‘cus just building the wall cost hundreds upon hundreds, upon HUNDREDS of
lives, and apparently, after it was all done, the Emperor decided that there
was no point in keeping out the Mongol hordes if they had to look bad to do it,
and wanted the whole wall painted, which would have cost another couple of
thousands of lives to do. Everyone in his court realized this, but apparently
everyone in his court was also suffering from a severe case of tiny ball-sack
syndrome, everyone that is except for Yu Sze, who was the only one to listen to
this whole ‘painting the wall’ garbage, and call the Emperor out on his shit.
Using his natural classiness, and affinity for humor, he managed to convince
the Emperor to realize that he was acting like a five-star jackass, an act that
left him remembered as one of the most famous Chinese heroes, Yu Sze, the man
who saved thousands of peasants from killing themselves unnecessarily
decorating the world’s largest and most obnoxious cock-block (that can be seen
from space).</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqFiBLNMDaLbD_S4RVlTqt0yCtKxW_KoRo_SQXI-8Z2cT0NHpKbpukW6g8Vs1oVLLOu2hPYztZKqOV7_HdOBbCBAZaHk1AiFMtHjorGOdS8MhcSERLrgKntDFYYfeYD3lfdcFhslYZl2sH/s1600/the+great+wall+of+china.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqFiBLNMDaLbD_S4RVlTqt0yCtKxW_KoRo_SQXI-8Z2cT0NHpKbpukW6g8Vs1oVLLOu2hPYztZKqOV7_HdOBbCBAZaHk1AiFMtHjorGOdS8MhcSERLrgKntDFYYfeYD3lfdcFhslYZl2sH/s1600/the+great+wall+of+china.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Still, a couple decorative flowers here and there wouldn't have hurt.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Sze perfectly exemplified the role of the jester in the court for
almost all of the world, he was there to entertain the king, but because he
lied somewhere in between royalty and peasantry, he was granted certain privileges
not allowed to even the highest ranking dukes and lords, such as complete (well,
mostly complete) free speech, allowed the jester to shift the king’s opinions
and decisions on many important subjects, affecting entire nations at a time.
It also allowed them the privilege to kind of just fuck with people, like
famous European jester, Nasir Ed Din. In one of his many stories, Nasir’s king
had just looked in a mirror, and once he finally got a look at how old and
saggy he was, he kind of just started crying, proving that no, not all old
dudes are as shit-stompingly bad-ass as Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino (and real
life). In a pretty unsettling coincidence, this king’s court was also
completely made up of men with very miniscule nuts, so when they saw the king
crying, they all just started crying too. So after this entire room of grown
men crying like schoolgirls had finally dried their tears with their tampons or
whatever, they all started looking around and noticed that the jester, Nasir Ed
Din was still bawling his eyes out. The King asked why he was still going at
it, Nasir looked right at him, and said “Sire, you looked at yourself in the
mirror for but a moment and you cried. I have to look at you all the time.” At
which point, one of the earls present yelled out “BOOM! ROASTED!” and mirthful bro-slaps
were given all around.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDTSv2BHPxG9XOBZRLPzL_dLgirYGk9yN_FVJfnBLS5F1dw8cy5FgI4aISAyLropx29xfkgSRik7y8PmR85LYiiybhYzmMVMK-YslQJXstF0dCo_DnMhMyvfQ0PvjqKQgf4AL15RV8Cc7z/s1600/jester.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDTSv2BHPxG9XOBZRLPzL_dLgirYGk9yN_FVJfnBLS5F1dw8cy5FgI4aISAyLropx29xfkgSRik7y8PmR85LYiiybhYzmMVMK-YslQJXstF0dCo_DnMhMyvfQ0PvjqKQgf4AL15RV8Cc7z/s1600/jester.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're mom's pretty ugly too. No offense bro.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Admittedly, Nasir got away with shit like that because,
in case you hadn’t noticed, his King wasn’t exactly the “OFF WITH HIS HEAD,” type;
he was more like the Dean Pelton from Community type, in that he probs dressed
like a woman when he thought he could get away with it. But seriously, when it
came right down to it, a jester’s main duty was to entertain their king, but
the second shit got personal, you could bet your ass that all the smarmy wit in
the world wasn’t going to save him from the chopping block, the agonizing
stress of which may have been one of the many reasons why after the middle ages
started to fade, and the renaissance started to flourish, clowns started to get…
creepy. I am talking about, of course, the Italian Harlequin, or Arlecchino,
who first appeared in the Divine Comedy, which in case you haven’t heard of it,
I’ll sum up for you right now, is the story of some dick trying to earn
redemption by pulling a Christmas Carol type scenario IN HELL. So yea, the
Harlequin didn’t exactly have the best start to begin with (I mean Satan’s a
dick-hole, but at least he started in heaven), and didn’t really resurface
until the famous Commedia dell’Arte, a famous series of shows starring famous
literary characters, that followed a formula that’s popular even today, of
three characters, the first Zany, who was a clever servant that plotted against
his masters, the second Zany, who was just his shit-for-brains henchman, and
the third Zany, who was the token hot chick. Surprisingly, the Harlequin was at
first cast as the second Zany, but as time progressed, and different writers
wrote stories starring the characters, the second Zany went from being the fool
(or the tool, if you will), to a smart, sly, acrobat, who wore a black or white
mask, and was known mostly as a Pantomime character, which is like if you took
a mime (already pretty freaky on its own), and mixed it with one of those
creepy Goth-Twilight kids, basically resulting in Tim Burton’s black and white
colored wet dream.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibTWwXWHgFkhLmuYOko3-TxkcIyeAAIz5SA6cntjd-6wxXl3KE0lDdfYa-cvZh6XpTS01kEjtwUgUG0Vm7iG97cFnw4Fp-XI9fQvPUjcjRvoA6ho24fyH26cbhplgT65hil78nyeOZ4usf/s1600/harlequin.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibTWwXWHgFkhLmuYOko3-TxkcIyeAAIz5SA6cntjd-6wxXl3KE0lDdfYa-cvZh6XpTS01kEjtwUgUG0Vm7iG97cFnw4Fp-XI9fQvPUjcjRvoA6ho24fyH26cbhplgT65hil78nyeOZ4usf/s1600/harlequin.png" /></a></div>
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This clown was also known to partner with the new French
clown, the Pierrot, who had the famous ruffled white collar, colorful clothes,
and exaggerated face make-up, like the painted on smile, which would provide
annoying avant-garde college students something else to talk about over their
overpriced lattes (FUUUUCK, YES, OF COURSE ALL CLOWNS ARE SAD, THAT’S WHY THEY’RE
NOT WORKING WITH YOUR DAD AT HIS BIG WALLSTREET ACCOUNTING FIRM, PAYING FOR THEIR
OWN KIDS TO GO TO COLLEGE AND MAJOR IN LIBERAL FUCKING ARTS, NOW SHUT UP). The
Pierrot, or white-face clown, became one of the most iconic clowning symbols in
the world, especially after the birth of the circus industry in 1768, where
Philip Astley toured around with his troupe of fellow entertainers. Philip is
credited as the first circus clown because of his historic (at least in clown
terms) act, of attempting to mount a horse, but comically failing each time,
which has amused audiences back from when riding horses was cool, to now, when
riding horses sucks (all the nut-crushing discomfort of riding a bike, with the
added knowledge that what your riding probably hates you, and is waiting for
you to slip up so it can fucking kick you to death in the face). And so the
circus was born, many more popping up all over, becoming especially popular in
America, where circuses would travel with carnivals from state to state during
the 20<sup>th</sup> century, helping kids experience what it meant to grow up,
while at the same time scarring them forever. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUD6UM55UMUUfo_QIZdBpsOvi5_kzFD_RAKRqhpuFT49ajqSU9HyWmBaHLjX7j5ePVm0g7w1hJbK9pwS4gMFIm0jAOnMeK73T59tAF8p3z6I-uTyOQzN8jMqpQhAIb8Lsa19sz0yhB1cm6/s1600/circus+clown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUD6UM55UMUUfo_QIZdBpsOvi5_kzFD_RAKRqhpuFT49ajqSU9HyWmBaHLjX7j5ePVm0g7w1hJbK9pwS4gMFIm0jAOnMeK73T59tAF8p3z6I-uTyOQzN8jMqpQhAIb8Lsa19sz0yhB1cm6/s1600/circus+clown.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Now kids, in court they're going to use this doll to ask where I touched you, and you'll say..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Many agree that it was American
pop-culture and entertainment that turned clowns into the frightening figures
we see them as today, with movies like Stephen King’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It</i>, Stephen Chiodo’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Killer
Klowns from Outer Space</i>, and the fucked up crazy serial killer John Wayne
Gacy. Gacy was famous for assaulting and murdering at least 33 young boys, and
became known as the “Killer Clown,” because of how, when he wasn’t being a
complete psychopathic monster, he would attend charity events and birthday
parties as a clown for entertainment. It is because of men like him, and many
other nightmare-fueling clown characters, that there is actually a medical
diagnosis for the fear of clowns, called coulrophobia, as well as a wet spot in
the sheets of millions of kids all over the world who have recently attended a
circus, called piss. Thankfully, as we all know, this isn’t the first time the
United States of AMUHRICA has dropped the ball, and while they could never really
clean up the mess, they did their best to remedy it for the people it affected.
They’re called rodeo clowns, and they’re AWESOME.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbJ9D0vJ18eCtL5QOUtjnG32tw30JrNHyTsAHBk2dJCUg2negxO2sag1tW_Ctsd1gldxXZg6czFAdm4zojYFAx_d3Efx-V61KSL4aXuTkohWoDOQx9LTRWmBnaaMHQQhrwNtEUwa6zp1c_/s1600/rodeo+clown.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbJ9D0vJ18eCtL5QOUtjnG32tw30JrNHyTsAHBk2dJCUg2negxO2sag1tW_Ctsd1gldxXZg6czFAdm4zojYFAx_d3Efx-V61KSL4aXuTkohWoDOQx9LTRWmBnaaMHQQhrwNtEUwa6zp1c_/s1600/rodeo+clown.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All he can think right now is how much he wanted to be a lawyer.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Basically, men will capture
feral clowns from the wild, then force them into a ring with one or more pissed
off and totally killer bulls, and gather an audience to watch as the clown runs
for its life from 400 to 500 pounds of pent up rage and muscle. It’s like back
in the Roman era, when Christians were captured and put in the Coliseum to
fight off lions and tigers and shit, y’know, back in the good old days? So hey,
that’s about all you need to know. Yes, clowns are scary like accidentally
saying the ‘N’ word at a Black Pride rally, but they weren’t always that way,
in fact, they used to be pretty chill. And besides, in today’s modern world, we
have ways of dealing with clowns, so you don’t have to be so afraid. They’re
called police and guns, use them as often as possible, whenever possible.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYDPd8b_EYlgaOAYJ1O0po4knlB3FoBqn5PYdTSo0oJvl0DItGEvsssARBEw0XRZ6ahlzSHNkvs48haiysSJkznNn_VPb7vdMdHRe9_k7ztqDdh2tKDfYYREc-6xA0F8hqfbyrx2PAQsin/s1600/hipster+clown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYDPd8b_EYlgaOAYJ1O0po4knlB3FoBqn5PYdTSo0oJvl0DItGEvsssARBEw0XRZ6ahlzSHNkvs48haiysSJkznNn_VPb7vdMdHRe9_k7ztqDdh2tKDfYYREc-6xA0F8hqfbyrx2PAQsin/s1600/hipster+clown.jpg" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://jujubeetheclown.com/clown_history.htm">http://jujubeetheclown.com/clown_history.htm</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.allaboutclowns.com/history.html">http://www.allaboutclowns.com/history.html</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.clown-ministry.com/index_1.php/articles/history_of_clowning_from_the_ancient_pharaohs_to_the_modern_day_by_bruce_jo/">http://www.clown-ministry.com/index_1.php/articles/history_of_clowning_from_the_ancient_pharaohs_to_the_modern_day_by_bruce_jo/</a></div>
</div>Dcumm313http://www.blogger.com/profile/17111768723510201940noreply@blogger.com0