I’m gonna make that whore my wife.
-Frank
Reynolds
Aaah
Sunny. I waited all summer for you to come back. I built a friggin widows perch
in front of my TV just waiting. But I have to admit, as I looked out into the
mysterious darkness of the TV screen, sighing, wishing we could be together
again, I thought of last season. Of all the seasons. So many seasons of
straight up laugh your balls off hilarity, how could any TV show, even you,
keep it up? Even the most professional porn star can’t keep it up forever. This
was what I was most afraid of when preparing for the season premier, but the
second the title card came on, ‘Frank’s
Pretty Woman,’ I knew you hadn’t lost your touch. The episode revolves
around Frank’s new ‘girlfriend,’ so to speak (she’s really a dirty whore [and
no, she’s not a nice lady]), as well as Mac’s newly acquired ‘mass,’ (he’s
fifty pounds overweight, wearing Tommy Bahama shirts, and carrying around a
Hefty garbage bag of chimichangas), and Dennis’ fear that in the ‘second acts’
of their lives, the gang is becoming “the gross crew.” And so the gang splits
up into pairs, and set about on missions of self improvement, which from the
Sunny gang, is like a guy trying to get a healthy meal at McDonalds (those
salads are considered lethal weapons in some countries). Dee goes with the
whore, Roxie, to try and clean her up, and pull a ‘Pretty Woman’ on her, Dennis
goes with Mac to try and get him to clean himself up, and lose some weight like
Dennis, and Charlie tries to help out Frank, attempting to find him a girl
who’ll like him for more than his money (in his own borderline retarded Charlie
fashion).
Dee and Roxie’s story might be my favorite, as Dee quickly finds
herself emulating the dirty crack-whore when Roxie manages to put one of the many,
many clothing store workers to give Dee trouble because of her companions, in
his place, with a fist-sized wad of twenty-dollar bills, the sight of which is
enough to make Dee think of Roxie as living “a glamorous lifestyle.” She’s also
swayed when she finds out one of Roxie’s clients is Tiger Woods (Some say that
joke is dead by now, but nobody knows how to kick a dead horse quite like Sunny),
only to be dismayed when she finds out that ‘Tiger’ is actually just an
impersonator, the same guy who impersonated McNab (is that how you spell it? I
have literally no clue, I’m don’t really watch that footyball game) in the
Eagles episode. Dee quickly bounces back though when she finds out he’s willing
to pay her just to rub her feet (“I’m gonna be a foot-girl!”).
Dennis and Mac
also have a pretty interesting story, with both finding out just how unhealthy
they are, Mac having type two “dyabeetus,” and Dennis having multiple other
problems, more than likely brought on by his anorexic diet of no lunch, and
sometimes not even any breakfast (“No pain no gain!”). To correct this, Dennis
accepts Mac’s help in showing him how to let himself go, culminating in them
chowing down over an excessive amount of chimichangas, while Mac injects
himself with shots insulin, and Dennis talks about going to find some crack.
Despite all this, Charlie and Frank’s story takes the cake for all out
ridiculousness- Charlie’s plan to find Frank a girl is to pose as a rich Texas
tycoon on an online dating site, with Frank as his limo driver. Then, during
the date, he’ll pretend to be sick, and have the girl continue the date with
Frank, so she’ll fall in love with Frank even though he’s not rich. I know
there a girls out there who will do crazy things for the promise of money, and
the girl who accepted the date surely went through the worst trials of this,
only to come out of it covered in puke and blood, and a head full of bad
memories. Let me explain. Apparently before the date, Charlie had taken a whole
lot of pills, meant to make him cough up a little blood. Instead, while trying
to talk up Frank, and his business of finding eggs and crabs under the bridges
of Philadelphia, he ended up spewing blood like a fire hydrant from his mouth,
covering his screaming date in his bile, not only ending the date, but possibly
rupturing my spleen from laughter. Enraged by this turn of events (the fact
that the woman left, not the fact that Charlie just emptied possibly one third
of his body’s worth of blood onto her), Frank proclaims what has been evident in
the series since his character’s introduction, Frank loves eggs, he loves
garbage, he loves having sex with dirty whores, and he loves Roxie.
And so all
the asinine story lines are brought together, creating one big insane ending,
when Frank calls the gang together to Charlie’s apartment so he can propose to
Roxie in front of them (why he wanted to do it in Charlie’s apartment of all
places probs has something to do with the previous declaration of his love for
filth). Sadly, Roxie had to meet the end that all whores must meet one day, and
had to go up to the big dimly lit street corner in the sky, when her
crack-overdosed heart finally gives out right after Frank’s proposal. Charlie,
covered in blood, dissuades the gang from calling 911, instead agreeing on just
laying her body in the hall, but not before Frank gives a heartfelt eulogy to
the dead hooker on the filthy, rose-petal covered carpet of Charlie’s
apartment. Despite how much I liked this episode, the fact that I had been left
cold to one too many of the jokes, this ridiculous scene was more than enough
for me to bump this up from a high Dapper, to a low Classy.
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