The History of the Pyramids

Throughout time, humanity has come in many different shapes and size, with many different cultures and traditions, but (and you can call me racist all you want, I speak the truth) there has existed a group of people so absolutely terrifying in every single aspect, that before writing this, I made sure to put on a cheap pair of athletic shorts, for when I soil myself out of fear. I am talking about, of course- the ancient Egyptians. They had literally every single odd against them, and yet they are renowned world-wide for having one of the earliest and most impressive examples of advanced culture in human history. This can be attributed to many things, but if I were a betting man, I’d lay all my money on the fact that the ancient Egyptians, they were… well… they were f-ing hardcore tough. 

One of their Pharaohs was the Crimson Chin

They built their empire in a goddamn desert; one of their many horrifying gods had the head of a crocodile, and when it came to a written language, they basically said ‘screw it!’ and drew detailed pictures to describe shit. If you’ve ever seen Casino Royale (2006), then you remember that chase scene in the construction site. The guy 007’s chasing runs around a construction site to escape, pulling some wicked free-running moves, and at one time, jumping into the air, grabbing a pipe on the ceiling, using it to swing up and through an open gap above an unfinished wall. What does Bond do? He blasts through the fucking wall full speed like the goddamn Kool-aid man that’s what. Egypt is James Bond in that exact moment. Egypt is Bond in that entire chase scene! And just in case you can’t visualize how pants-wettingly scary that makes them, check it:

If after seeing that you can still find the strength to make fun of them for doing stuff like wearing mascara (guys too), or dress in skirts (guys too), then you need to keep reading this essay, dedicated to literally one of the most terrifying symbols of human power to ever exist, constructed right in Egypt (plus, I’m sure you would wear mascara too if you didn’t have the ability to cry, and a skirt if your balls were so big mere pants couldn’t hope to contain them). The purpose of the pyramids in ancient Egypt were to house the dead, specifically, the Pharaohs, the leaders of Egypt, who each had a pyramid just for themselves, to act as a living monument to how awesome they were when they lived, and to keep dicks from raiding all the treasures they had stored with them when they died. One of the only other man-made pyramids close to as popular as the ones in Egypt, is the one at the Louvre, in Paris, which, when you think about it, stands more as a testament to how different the two cultures are than anything else. The pyramids in Egypt are resilient and made of stone; the Louvre pyramid in France is made of wimpy-ass glass. The pyramids in Egypt are used to store their crazy awesome leaders; the Louvre pyramid in France is used to store… fancy art. I’m sorry France, but there’s a reason England’s North American colony turned into the US, and yours turned into Canada. But back to Egypt- before they had pyramids, the Egyptians used smaller, more flat and square shaped tombs called mastabas. Then, as time progressed, these small stone structures evolved into what one would call a pyramid. And by evolve I mean, somewhere along the line, the Egyptians got bored of just making the same boring square buildings and because actual large, architectural structures were like building blocks to them back then, or some other hardcore reason, they decided to stack he mastabas on top of each other biggest to smallest, creating step-shaped pyramids. The first one they created had a vertical shaft leading to the Pharaoh’s burial chamber, and the only entrance was blocked by a giant granite stone. I mean, you might think blocking off the entrance a bit unnecessary what with the whole 90 degree vertical shaft thing, but hey, they had to take precaution in case Egyptian Spider-Man happened to swing by. Or something. Still not satisfied with the whole ‘invention of the pyramid’ thing, in the Fourth Dynasty, the Egyptians constructed more and more pyramids, playing around with different construction methods and architectural styles.  You can actually see how these ‘demo-pyramids’ went, as they lie all around the Egypt today, in places like Meidum, where they tried making a step pyramid and then smoothing the sides after it was built, and Dahshur where they tried just straight up making the pyramid smooth from the start, no steps necessary. The one in Meidum just kinda crashed in upon itself, and was left abandoned in the desert, because it takes a lot more than proof to make an Ancient Egyptian admit he made a mistake. Failure really wasn’t in their dictionary- they had no idea how to draw it. 

"No, no, it's fine! We meant to do that!"

The pyramid in Dahshur was accidentally designed with too steep an angle at the points, but since construction was already well under way, the architect just shrugged his shoulders, fixed the angle, and told people to keep on building according to the new design, naming it the Bent Pyramid, since- in case you’ve forgotten- the Egyptians don’t ‘try again,’ they just keep on chugging until they’re done, or are standing in the middle of a giant pile of used-to-be-pyramid rubble. A whole bunch of wacky attempts later, the Egyptians finally had pyramids down pat, but only of course the normal sized totally possible ones. There’s still little explanation for their next little project: The Pyramids of Giza, the largest freestanding objects in the world for several hundred years. There have been numerous theories on how the Egyptians could have even feasibly constructed something so ball-bustingly amazing, a few of the more prominent possibilities being Aliens actually made it, Jewish slaves were forced to make it, and Jewish slaves were forced to make it for Aliens. So as you can see, some of the theories are just plain garbage, but don’t blame the people who made them up, they had to, for the same reason we, as children, need to believe that mommy and daddy were just wrestling. If we knew the truth, we’d never be able to sleep at night.

I mean have you seen the pyramids on Mars? 'Cus they SUCK.

The Jewish slave theory might be true (everybody hated the Jews back then, for some reason), but there is still little explanation of how in the hell they put the damn Pyramids together. The most logical possibility people have come up with is that the stones were hauled from a nearby quarry and lifted into place, but how the stones could have been moved still perplexes people today, especially since recent evidence suggests that no, Egyptians had not invented cranes and trucks back then, to the disappointment of many leaders of the scientific community, all they had was whatever the fuck they could make out of leaves, rocks, sand, and water (which by the way makes them the MacGyver of the cultural world).  Of course, Ancient Egyptians still hadn’t developed the concept of ‘no,’ so they set to work, and as experts have guessed, they finished the biggest thing the world had ever seen (and would ever see for a while) in, oh, y’know, about 20 goddamn years. To put it in perspective, you probs haven’t even finished with school in that time. And let’s be real- which is a greater sign of accomplishment? A gigantic spear tip made out of stone bricks pointed straight at the nuts of Zeus himself, or a degree from the University of Phoenix? And remember, the Pyramids actually had an actual use (unlike a degree from *pfft* the University of Pheonix), they were constructed to house the dead Pharaohs- and the Pharaohs personal lady-friends. Yes, along with the Pharaoh’s mummified corpse was a bevy of LIVING SERVANTS, along with all his crap, which apparently came along with him for the ride when he died, to serve him in the afterlife. Not that many servants, apparently, were actually that freaked out by this prospect, though, because hey, even if they did manage to escape the pyramids, which were protected by the latest in Egyptian security (see Tomb Raider: Anniversary [2007]), they still had to deal with the prospects of an even shittier afterlife, according to the Ancient Egyptian religion. This new afterlife basically entailed some guy weighing your soul against a feather, the feather being lighter because your soul’s so weighed down by evil, and then you getting your head bitten off by a guy with a crocodile head. This may or may not come as a shock, but in Egyptian mythology, and the believed trip to afterlife, this was about the only time on the long, long, journey any real judgment of moral character showed up, the rest of the trip basically consisted of your average Egyptian fighting their way through monsters, reciting spells to ward of demons, and using ancient strategies to cleverly evade possible negative encounters with all manner of magical creatures. So afterlife in Ancient Egypt played out a lot like your average game of World of Warcraft, except literally a million times more horrifying.

Plus you had to deal with that Leroy Jenkins tool.

So slaves tended to stick with the Pharaoh because hey, why make shit harder on yourself huh? Besides, if the drawings left by the Egyptians hold any truthful weight to them, then the children of the Nile looked a lot like male and female versions of bald Billy Dee Williams, and hey, if you ask me… that sounds just fine. Just fine indeed.

You can't see it but this man has just shit himself. The camel is displeased.