Misfits Season 3- Episodes 1 & 2

Trust me, there’ll be shit. It’s in the air. I can smell it.

-Rudy

            Well, what is there to be said? Misfits is back, things are right again with the world I suppose. Actually, after watching the first two episodes of season 3, it’s more like the opposite- don’t get me wrong, I think they’re brilliant. The new guy, Rudy, sure, he’s no Nathan, but he’s still pretty good. He’s an asshole, but I’m kind of excited that he’s more fleshed out like this, it’s interesting, it’s gonna give the show some good drama to work off of later on, and it’s nice to see they didn’t just try and pretend like he was exactly the same as Nathan, didn’t treat their audience like complete idiots. But anyway, what I’m saying is, is that the new season is starting off brilliant, but I would have to say I was a liar if I didn’t admit that their stories are so completely fucked up that I can’t believe there’s actually a station as cool as E4 to show them. Their new powers are also very cool, and while in the first episode I was a little put off by how specific they were, worried that maybe that would put too much of a tax on the writers to create good stories, I was pleased in the second episode how well they actually pulled off what could definitely be considered the most controversial power of the group, Curtis’ turning into a girl. Very pleased (and totally disturbed) by the shows first few new episodes, and looking forward to a whole ‘nother season of kids calling each other fit, and trying not to be caught with two more dead bodies buried in their back yard. A very happy Classy, and hey, why take my word for it, check out the episodes for yourself: One & Two

The History of Australia

The Australian Book of Etiquette is a very slim volume.

-Paul Theroux

            There are some out there who would tell you that a man who goes to a fancy gala, only to get drunk, loud, and abusive to those around him (both verbally and physically), could never be consider ‘of class.’ They will tell you that there is no possible way that such a loathsome boar could ever be in a position of respect, and should be disregarded completely, if one wishes to preserve their own esteemed social status. These people are idiots. They fail to realize that the man described IS classy, he is simply out of his natural element- and that element is Australia. I say this because there are some of you who are familiar with The Great Down Under, and therefore may be a bit perplexed as to why I’ve come to the conclusion that it is indeed, extremely classy. Don’t get me wrong, Australia is populated by the offspring of criminals, its wildlife seem to have been designed by God for the sole purpose of murder, and if there is a reason that all the continents split apart, it’s probably because all the continents were scared shitless of Australia, and wanted to get the fuck away from it as soon as possible. But think about it: there are those who try to be, ‘that guy,’ and then there are those who are just born to be ‘that guy,’ and whatever complaints you may have about them, you have to admit, nobody could do it quite like them.

John Belushi, Ladies and Gentlemen

My friends, of all the world, Australia is most certainly, ‘that guy,’ and, well, that’s pretty fuckin’ classy in my book. In the hopes that you agree, allow me to finally put this all behind us, and move onto the REAL reason you’re reading this: to find out the story of Australia, the world’s manly, obnoxious, kangaroo-infested testicles. Much like the Americas, before it was colonized, Australia was home to a whole bunch of different  Aborigines, tribes of ‘uncivilized’ people, who lived off of the land, and first settled in the continent approximately 50,000 years ago from South East Asia. The Aboriginal people were very separated, however, as they spoke numerous different languages, with about 250 different recorded tongues by the time the British populated Sydney Cove. This can be attributed, however, to the world the people were living in- it was every man for himself in early Australia, you couldn’t trust anyone or anything. One second you could be resting your head on an oddly shaped rock, next second you could be fighting a vicious rock-shaped armadillo-spider that shot poison from it eyes. Surviving day to day in Australia was a lot like waking up each morning to fist-fight nature, and the fact that so many survived using simple technologies like spears and rocks (real rocks, not the poisonous kind), is a testament to how impossibly bad-ass and hardcore the Aboriginal people were. That is, until, Europe showed up.

"Hmmm... spacious, fertile, pre-inhabited... alright, I'll take it! Now get out."

Australia was first discovered by a famous Dutchman, Willem Janszoon, in 1606, who came to the land on his rather sissily named boat, the Duyfken, or, in regular people speak, the Little Dove. Proving that you can’t judge a book by it’s dainty, pink colored cover, Janszoon proved to be hard enough to actually meet with the Aboriginal people, the first person in the world to achieve such a feat. Still, Janszoon, and the few other explorers of Australia, only managed to chart small sections of the continent; it wasn't until Abel Tasman showed up that any real shit got done. Another Dutchman, Tasman made his first journey down under in 1644, and quickly came to the (rather obvious) conclusion that Australia was made up of fours coasts, a North, a South, an East, and a West, a discovery that made him so famous that the Australian state of Tasmania was named after him. Despite the fact that the Dutch had basically done all the work discovering it, and along with the Spanish and Portuguese, had done all the settling there for about 100 years, when the Brits showed up in 1770, they claimed the whole continent for themselves, calling it New South Wales, because as history has taught us, not only does England love to just claim other's work for their own, they're really just evil geniuses at thinking up creative names- think about it (New South Wales- NSW). I imagine there was a little fuss about the whole thing by the Dutch, but whatever arguments they had probs sucked anyway, seeing as how all the British were really doing was stealing the land that the Dutch were stealing from the Aborigines, which is like a bully complaining to a bigger bully about how the bigger bully was taking the lunch money from the kid the smaller bully usually beat up for lunch money. Either way, the Aborigines didn't really have a say in the manner, since they were 'uncivilized,' and therefore not considered people by Europe, all their kick-ass survival instincts rendered useless by the fact that they didn't wear silly powdered wigs.

Could YOU tell the difference?

The worst part is that the Brits didn't even really want the place, when Captain Cook (he was British, as if the name didn’t give it away) first landed on Australia (or South Narwhale or whatever silly name they gave it), he immediately realized that the land of Australia was like natures minefield, and sending civilized people there was akin to sending people to their deaths- Britain was caught in a conundrum. They couldn't colonize their new land with wimpy settlers, because they'd probs be mauled to death in a week, they couldn't sell the land to the Dutch, because the Dutch would probs rename it something really dumb, and silly, and there was no way in hell they could give it back to the Aborigines (because fuck half a million people who didn't do anything wrong). So in 1788, England set up a penal colony in Port Jackson, and sent all their criminals to Australia, where they'd either be tough enough to survive the place, or just kill each other off over time, hopefully taking a few hundred or so Aboriginal people with them while they were at it.

I swear, I've heard a plan just like this somewhere else...

Either way, that was two problems solved with one move, and England could get back to wearing silly hats, and dealing with those silly upstart rebels in America. On January 26, 1788, the first 1500 British settlers, about half of them convicts, landed on the coast, and created the first Australian colony, as well as what is now known as Australia Day, basically like American Thanksgiving and Fourth of July rolled into one, which is pretty sweet. An interesting side-note, however, it is generally agreed by all historians that the whole event would have been a lot more epic if halfway through their long-ass voyage, the prisoners had pulled a con-air, which, for all the colonists involved, would probs have been a better alternative than actually making it to Australia, where their very presence immediately fucked up the entire ecosystem. You see, because Britain and Australia are a good kajillion miles apart from each other or so, the Aussies had never suffered the same sicknesses and colds that so many Europeans suffered for centuries, so when the British arrived, nice and ill from their stuffy, unhealthy, sea voyage, they weren’t exactly in the best of shape to begin with. Soon, the germs started to spread, and when it reached the Aborigines, who had no immune system to the stuff, the people started to drop like flies the second they got the sniffles.

A light cough you say? I'm afraid we'll have to put you down.

Still, hundreds of settlers would ship in all the time, boat by boat, fleet by fleet, forming six different colonies in the process. It is important to note the reason they came though, it would have to be something pretty special after all, if they were willing to endure living with hundreds of prisoners, the deadliest plants and animals ever known to man, as well as the growing number of Aboriginal corpses struck by the common cold- gold. Due to the fact that the Aborigines had been too busy spending their years in Australia trying not to be punched to death by kangaroos, the vast surplus of precious minerals present in the land had remained relatively untouched, inciting thousands of Europeans to throw their entire lives away to go jones-in’ for some gold. In between being reckless greedy lunatics, however, the people managed to find the time to start rebelling against the crown, like the Americans, creating several different new states, such as Victoria, Queensland (oh the irony), Tasmania, as well as Western and South Australia. It was around this time, 1860, that England finally stopped sending convicts over, more than likely not for the reasons you would suspect (such as the fact that the idea of creating an entire continent of criminals is INSANE), but because the costs of shipping were getting too high, and they didn’t need to populate the place anymore than it already was- by 1860 approximately 160,000 convicts had been sailed to Australia. Also the convicts they had been sending ended up doing crazy shit like this. Settlers would also stop coming to Australia around this time, as the gold was beginning to dry up, and living next to a motherfucking army of convicted felons just isn’t worth it sometimes. As the money dried up, so did the trade, and soon a harsh depression struck the land.

He's part of the 99%- The 99% who haven't been mauled by a dingo, that is.

It went on for several more years until all the Australian states finally just threw up their hands and said “Fuck it, let’s work together.” And so, in 1901, the Federal Commonwealth of Australia was formed to pool together profits, keep stricter control over the economic market, enforce their silly accent, and try to keep track of the population, which was looking pretty grim at the time. There were about 4 million non-indigenous living in Australia in 1901, the indigenous population being somewhere around only 93,000- compare that to 100 years earlier when the population of Aborigines was 300,000, and you begin to see why it was also in the 20th century that the Aussies finally decided to lend a helping hand to the guys who’d been saving their spots in the continent since 500,000 BC. The only problem was that their idea of a ‘helping hand,’ was like Hitler trying to help the world by eradicating the Jews- okay not exactly that bad, but still pretty shitty. Believing that all the Aborigine people wanted was to be civilized, the Australian gov’t tried to help keep them healthy by segregating them from regular Aussies, and later assimilate them by taking away all their rights as people in return for property that they didn’t ask for, and when you think about it, the gov’t had no right to give away.

Here, have some dirt. Now don't go spending it all in one place you scamp!

And while all this was going on, the World Wars were starting, with many young Australian men jumping into the action, expecting the war not to be any harder than the daily dingo wrestling match, believing that they’d be home by Christmas. In a way they were right, fighting war is like wrestling a dingo- if the dingo was armed with a gun and mustard gas. Of the 400,000 that signed up for war in 1914, a good 60,000 were killed in action, another good portion left crippled and wounded. Still, the bravery the Aussies showed in war was a great pride point to them, so much so that there is actually a day in Australia known as Anzac day, when the surviving soldiers from the first World War would gather together and reminisce about the most devastating war of their youth. The Aussies fought with the Allies in the second World War as well, with the bonus that the war was used as a chance by the gov’t to make political connections with other countries, so they could maybe add more friends to their Facebook page, like the US, and China. After the wars, Australia enjoyed many years of prosperity and progress- the Aborigine were finally respected as actual human beings (that really shouldn't have to be an achievement), they managed to channel all their violence into football (not football as in soccer, I mean football as in motherfucking FOOTBALL [or as they would call it, Grid Iron, which really should be the international name for the game anyway, much less confusing, also a bit more hard as balls]) international trade bolstered the Australian market, and helped attribute to their growing culture, funding such projects as the Sydney Opera House, which, while it is absolutely brilliant, was like building a jewelery store in the middle of a battlefield.

By day it is an opera house, by night- IT. IS. THUNDERDOME.

Australian culture was especially relevant to American Hollywood, where a period grew during the 60's and 70's of filmmakers and screenwriters buying Australian films and scripts, to sell to the American audience. This system did have it's flaws however, like when a large US film company, who shall remain nameless, bought the home videos of an Australian police officer named Mel Gibson, who's name they also misspelled, calling the series of 'movies,' he starred in, 'Mad Max.' In fact, it was because of this mistake that Mel Gibson decided to become an actor in the first place, despite suffering from a serious mental disease, known as being an insane little bigoty cunt-face. Many other Australians have reached world wide fame as well, such as Steve Irwin's accent, which was taken from us too soon, when Irwin, a crocodile hunter, attempted to hunt or play with (or whatever he actually did to animals to get him called ‘hunter’ when he in fact laid to rest not one living creature, not even an alligator) a poison-filled killer sting ray, and, well, you can see where I’m going with that. But to get back on topic, we must remember the true power of Australia: those testicle-shitting badasses we know to day as Australians? Before they reached the continent down under- they were Europeans. EUROPEANS.

Not manly? Moi?!

The same people who brought you fancy dresses and tampons, somehow became the people who actually have a stereotype off pulling out their obnoxiously large knives in public drinking spots, and then comparing them (okay so they’re a little insecure, but like I said, EUROPEAN). This effectively makes Australia like one of those “Pray the Gay Away” Christian camps, except for pussies, and as exemplified by the local fauna and flora, GOD HAS NO PLACE IN AUSTRALIA. So, to wrap up, the next time you see an Outback Steakhouse commercial, or something else along those lines, just remember this video, which by the way, is not a video of bunch of Australians fighting, this is a video of a bunch of Australians fucking PLAYING.

Reference:

http://www.dfat.gov.au/aib/history.html

http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0107296.html

http://www.australianexplorer.com/australian_history.htm

The History of Halloween

Celtic society, like all early societies, was highly structured and organized, everyone knew their place. But to allow that order to be psychologically comfortable, the Celts knew that there had to be a time when order and structure were abolished, when chaos could reign. And Samhuinn, was such a time.

- Philip Carr-Gomm

 

And here we are, the final week of October, and I, being the Holiday enthusiast that I am, have decided to treat what few readers I have with something special to let them know that I appreciate it- for the first time ever, a third essay in one month. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t have any money left, I spent it all on Batman and pizza, just like you should’ve. And honestly, I couldn’t have picked a worse time to ‘reward’ you fools, two essays down and I’m running out of adjectives and descriptions for ‘scary.’ So just remember while you’re reading, should you come across any sentences that strike you as being a bit crazy, I’m doing my best, and pulling out all the stops- because this is MOTHERFUCKING HALLOWEEN. Shit’s sacred. It’s little kid’s excuse to dress up and get free candy, and adult’s excuse to see their female acquaintances in skimpy versions of regular clothes (I’m talking about you Sexy Janitor costume- those are just two words that just shouldn’t go together). But what really makes it so brilliant, is that it’s every man, woman, and child’s excuse to look Polite Society in the eyes, and simply say, “Fuck it, you know what, I think I WON’T wear a business suit to work, I’m gonna dress up as Batman and HR can just suck my chocolate covered milk duds if they think they can do anything about it.”

"Just be happy I didn't get the one with the nipples."

You know that nice kid in gym who helped you find your glasses after class? That’s the same kid who’ll be leaving a bag of flaming excrement on your front lawn come Halloween, with a smile on his beet-red face, and a vulgar joke oozing from his lips. And it’s all thanks to the Celts- allow me to explain. Back in about 5^th century BC, Ireland was populated by an especially powerful tribe-like pseudo-society called the Celts. You may have heard about them because, while they certainly weren’t the most popular of early civilizations, they were definitely the most beloved, because while civs like Egypt and Greece and others were making mythical creatures that wanted devour your soul, and turn you to stone, and basically kick the living shit out of you just for being mortal, the Celts were inventing MAGIC. It was the Celts who thought up fantastical creatures like faeries, elves, trolls, as well as so many other fascinating symbols and beings that are still incredibly relevant today. How relevant? Just look at any movie, or book, or video-game that has to do with fantasy, because you’ll basically be getting a straight-up first-hand experience of ancient Celtic culture.

A level 47 mage-class with his impoverished family.

And somehow, the Celts managed to take these amazing beliefs, and form it into a religion that could help dictate their lives, forming a rather simple society operated by farmers, and led by druids, men who claimed to be able to understand the natural forces of the world, and could give the people advice on things like medicine (dirt, grass, blood, or goat shit, pick your poison), relationship counseling (man > woman), and most important, agriculture. The Celts ran their rudimentary calendars around the harvest, dividing the years at the end of summer (the end of the harvest season), and the beginning of winter (the beginning of the sit-in-your-hut-trying-not-to-die-of-frozen-nutsack-syndrome season). On the Roman Catholic calendar, this time was the last day of October, and the first day of November, and was a VERY special time for the Celts. See, they noticed that it was kind of funny how the world worked like that, how you could go from a season full of life, growth, and abundance, to a season more dead and barren than the sex life of your average redditor (I could probably get them to read my essays if they would just stop looking at pictures of cats in silly clothes every five goddamn seconds). Curious, they brought it up to their druids, who came back with the perfect explanation- Druids: “Just don’t think about it.” People: “But what about-” Druids: “HEY! LET’S HAVE A PARTY! RIGHT NOW! EVERYBODY’S INVITED! FREE CAKE!” People: “Wha- oh, uh, o-okay then! Cool! I guess we can just talk about this later then…” I mean that’s probs how it went down. Maybe. Either way, what was born that day was (and is) one of the greatest holidays to be celebrated EVER. The whole thing was called Samhain (pronounced SOW-AN, but have fun reminding yourself that in your head every time you read it as sam-hain), a day-long period when it was believed that the world of the living and the dead crossed over, and whatever moral rules applied on any other day, went right out the window with whatever fucks you possibly had to give any other time of the year.

Huge bonfires were lit and people danced around them having fun, playing with apples, oh and having random, inappropriate sex with their friends and neighbors, all of which presented a bit of a problem, specifically, all the annoying dead people walking around. You see, besides being an awesome care-free day of not giving a shit, Sanhaim was also the day when the dead were supposed to interact with the world of the living, and if you just woke up from a long dirt nap to find a massive party going down, don’t you think you’d like to get your crunk on with all your widowed loved ones? The druids had apparently thought of that one though, and instructed people to light fires and torches all around, to keep the dead away, and to wear costumes and masks to keep the dead from recognizing them. It was like if the nerds tried to go to the popular kid’s party, only to show up at the door and have that one jocky douche-bag stand in their way and tell them that they weren’t invited.

"Sorry bro. The Orgy Party's full."

This went on for another couple of hundreds of years or so, with Samhain being adopted by the Romans, who made a few changes to it, like dressing up as gods of the underworld who represented early versions of monsters we use today, like witches, and vampires. The Romans also brought some troubles to Samhain though, like, for example, trying to fucking kill it off. You see, over time, Roman Catholicism became the dominant religion in Ireland, the druids and the nature-magic of the Celtic age replaced with the priests and God worshiping of the new age, those creative Celts we have so much to thank for, slowly growing into the drunken Irishmen we’ve come to know and love today. However, many of the Celtic customs still remained, including the language, the architecture, and the holidays, especially Samhain, which was still as wild and crazy as the day it started, and even though it left many women spending their winters trying to track down their baby daddies (but really, even if proper condoms had been invented back then, do you actually think they would have used them), Samhain was beloved by all those who happened to like fun- which means that it pissed the Catholics off. No disrespect to my theist readers, whoever you may be, but please recognize the fact that much of the history of the Catholic Church boils down to political subterfuge, and frequent dick-measuring contests (I’m not really sure who they’re trying to impress though, it’s not like their five year old boy-friends have enough experience to judge [aaand it’s official, if there IS a God, then I’m going to Hell]). So when they heard of a yearly tradition where the only rule was ‘fun,’ they set off in their pope-mobiles to shut that party off like a crew of grouchy 80’s comedy movie cops. Basically, they made November 2^nd the new date of their toootally original holiday called All Souls Day, or All-Hallows Day. The celebration consisted of parades and bonfires, with people dressing up as demons and angels, and despite it’s more restrictive rules, it was a lot like that other holiday, what was it called again? Sockan? Softan?

Hmmm... It had something to do with an enourmous orgy...

Well, while the church will never admit it, it is theorized (and generally accepted) that this was a pretty obvious attempt to overshadow, and hopefully eliminate good ‘ol Samhain- an attempt that, if it is true, blew up right in their face. Because for some odd reason, the church didn’t consider the possibility that placing their celebration holiday the day after the biggest party of the year, and then expecting people to get off their hung-over asses to show up, is like taking a group of people, putting blindfolds on them, and then asking them to read you the bible. So, instead of being buried, Samhain simply adopted a new name, ‘All Hollows Eve,’ which over time, became the name we all recognize today- HALLOWEEN. Time continued to progress, many, many decades passed, with Halloween becoming even more interesting and exciting for each generation, while at the same time calming down a bit, inviting in more people at a time, like younger children, who could bob for apples with their friends, and dress in costumes, and be allowed to join into the general festivities of the party, without having to worry about accidentally becoming audience to their mom, their barber, and several other people they’d never seen before going at it like they were playing naked twister, before drunkenly dancing around a house sized bonfire. The most progressive changes to Halloween actually happened during its migration to UHMERICA, with colonists sometimes celebrating the holiday by gathering together and telling ghost stories, dancing, singing, and lighting candles as was customary, in order to ward off the dead. Many myths surround the candle lighting, as, back then, the tradition was to carve out turnips, which were in abundance in Ireland, stick a candle in there, and then light it and use it as a little, nasty-tasting lantern.

I mean there are worse alternative of course.

 Honestly, the closest thing you have to sense when it comes to an explanation for that is an old Irish tale about some guy name Jack, who one day met the devil, and clearly confusing the devil with a bear of some sort, climbed up a tree. The Devil, Lord incarnate of all that is evil, vile, and horrible in this world according to the Christian belief, who resides over Hell, and is so powerful that it was predicted that He would one day battle God himself, some how managed to climb up a tree after Jack. Until Jack jumped out of the tree, and the Devil, Ultimate Prince of Darkness, had to ask Jack to help him, because he was stuck in a fucking tree. Jack agreed, under the condition that the Devil would back the fuck off for the rest of Jack’s life, and leave him alone. The Devil had no choice (he couldn’t exactly call his infinite legion of demon warriors who obey his every word to help him), and so Jack got to derp around for many more years before he finally kicked the bucket. But when he went up to the pearly white gates, he was denied entrance for being an overall dick-hole his whole life. Pissed, Jack went down to hell, but found the door locked, because the King of Darkness, the Torturer of the Damned Eternal, didn’t want Jack to come in, on account of the fact that he was a meanie.

I'm gonna tell God on you!

After leaving what can only be described as a clearly mature, and logical argument, Jack kind of just had to wander around, in-between the world the living and the dead for a while, using a turnip and candle he found as a lantern to light his way. In America, pumpkins were used instead, and that story is apparently the reason they’re called Jack O Lanterns. But don’t think the colonists were just sitting around playing with candles and being all nice and friendly-like. Even back then, people were still using Halloween as an excuse to raise hell, and make mischief and whatnot. Mind you that this is during colonial times, so pranks like Toilet Papering the neighbor’s yard were out of the question, mostly because when it comes to toilet paper, like the condom, while it hadn’t been invented, I don’t really believe they would have used it for its intended purpose anyway. Around the middle of the 19^th century, during the mass Irish migration due to the potato famine, Halloween saw a second coming in America, going from a small celebration some farmers here and there enjoyed, to a full on mass Holiday, so much so, that by the beginning of the 20^th century, communities and towns all over the country realized that if they didn’t try and set some guidelines for Halloween, people were gonna burn the whole damn nation to the ground.

The Great Haunted House Mishap of 1902

Newspapers everywhere started publishing articles pushed forward by community leaders, articles that were meant to try and get people to see Halloween in a more family friendly light, without all the mischief making, and ghosts, and witchcraft and stuff. While they did succeed in making Halloween more family friendly, they didn’t exactly neuter the Holiday, as they also tried to let the celebration become more about getting together with your friends and neighbors, i.e. waiting until the kids were gone, and then throwing crazy-ass parties that would make their ancestors smile (before they froze to death or whatever people did for fun back then). But let’s not forget exactly what allowed Halloween to become so family friendly- when they were trying to re-work Halloween’s image, many towns would focus on the new tradition that had been becoming popular, of taking kids door to door, costumed, and begging for food or money. Only what they didn’t realize was the popular saying that had come along with the tradition, where after someone answered the random child’s knock to the door, the little tyke would say in a calm voice, “Trick or Treat,” which basically was short for, “You sir have made the gravest of mistakes, simply by opening your own door. Now that I know you are present in the domain, I will offer you a choice- you respond positively to my demands for food, and whatever money you can spare, or deny me what I ask, whereupon I will commence making your life a living hell. I may not be of a physical stature capable of fighting you, sir, but I will have you know that on this Holiday which I am currently celebrating, I no longer feel the moral boundaries that contain me for the other 364 days of the year, and would contain me in this very situation. For such reason, I can torture you in all ways mentally, destroying your property, setting up simple yet time-consuming puzzles and traps, which will inconvenience you at first, but over time, will slowly drive you to the brink of insanity, with no inkling of remorse on my part. All of this will come to pass, and more, unless you give me, and whoever else may be accompanying me this evening, some goddamn apples, RIGHT NOW.” And that’s where trick or treating comes from. Children using the threat of fucking up peoples homes to extort from them whatever they wanted. Like adorable thugs.

Creepy thugs, or possible trick or treaters?

Still, regardless of where it’s come, how it’s changed, what was true, and always will be true is that Halloween, at its heart, is more than the sum of its parts. It is more than getting to play pranks; it is more than getting to pretend you’re something fantastical, even if only for a night; Halloween is the one night which has served as a reprieve from the prison of society. We stay in the prison by choice, despising it for the stress, indignation, and the constant stifling it requires, but understanding that society also serves the purpose of keeping the order necessary for us to work, at least somewhat peacefully, together. But on Halloween, we no longer have to worry about social status, about our constant battles of belief, about the problems we have to handle everyday; we no longer have to worry about reason. I know it sounds incredibly corny, but Halloween will always be my personal favorite Holiday, because on Halloween, whatever age you are, whether you’re going out trick or treating for the first time, or you’re going out in costume to spend your night partying with friends (and getting EX-tremely drunk), you can truly allow yourself to get wrapped up in the incomparable feeling of unlimited possibility. Before I bid you adieu, I’d like to do something I haven’t done before, and dedicate this essay to a group of very special people: The Westboro Baptist Church. The single most dedicated group of trolls I have ever seen. Happy Halloween everybody.

And a very Happy Halloween from the WBC.

The History of the Boogeyman

Hush, Hush, Hush- Here Comes the Boogeyman!

-       Henry Hall

Alright people, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. For you I mean. For me, it’s all about the good news, I’m like a newspaper’s worst nightmare. Whatever a newspaper is (I’ve heard it’s like a shitty, paper-wasting hipster version of reddit). Basically, the bad news is, I can’t give you a proper essay. I meant to do it over the weekend, but then I started playing Bioshock, which should be all the explanation necessary. I could work on a super long and awesome essay, as per usual, but Batman Arkham City’s coming out, which should also be all the explanation necessary. Fortunately, when I started looking up the boogeyman, back when I still intended to write a full essay, I found out that there’s about two actual links that have anything to do with the history of the boogeyman, one of them is a Wikipedia article, and the other is written by some guy who I’m pretty sure might be the extremely creepy reincarnation of Charles Manson. All the other links were either about that shitty 2005 movie starring Who Cares, or links to some conspiracy site about 9/11. Oh, and porn. Lots and lot of boogeyman porn (oh internet, you rascal). But then I realized, hey, I’ve given these people my heart, twice a month, for like, several months. I’m allowed a bit of a reprieve (go ahead, try and complain in the comments section- IT DOESN’T EXIST). So instead, I’ll be using the Wikipedia article I found, and giving you my top five favorite boogeymen from across the world. Enjoy.

Alright, just to go over what I just said, in case it didn’t leave any impact in you- fucking boogeyMEN. PLURAL. Let me describe to you the idea of the boogeyman, the boogeyman is a monster that lives to terrorize children, it is the sum of all your fears, it eats puppies, shits nightmares, and sweats un-drinkably warm lime Gatorade. You wanna know where the boogeyman lives? Nowhere near you, just IN YOUR GODDAMN BEDROOM. Best case scenario, he lives as far away as your closet, most probable case scenario- under your bed (so the next time you do an under the cover bed fart, remember- he smells them ALL). And now consider the fact that there are more of these terror spewing bastards living all over the WORLD.  And here are, in my opinion, the most irredeemable of the Undead Nazi level scary bunch:

5) El Cuco. 

It's like the great pumpkin, except it wants to devoure your soul.

First off, don’t let the name fool you. The Cuco (or El Cuco in Spain, where the monster originates) is a scary figure that parents sing lullabies about to their children, before they go to bed. Parents tell their children that if they do not go to sleep, then this pumpkin-headed ghostly-ass mofo will come out from under their bed, and devour them. First of all, I’d just like to question the logic behind that- you want the kid to sleep, so you tell him something so tuh-tuh-terrifyingly scary that there’s no way they’ll get to sleep, which said child needs to do if they don’t want to continue pissing their bed every time they hear a cat start meowing at the moon (as Spanish cats are wont to do). Seriously, parents are already telling their kid a lullaby, a form of song that is meant to soothe a child into sleep, why the hell do they need to add in the part about the homeless pumpkin-ghost thing (I’m assuming it’s homeless, as it has decided to take up tenent under a small child’s bed), that at any unspecified time, could up and start snacking on the kid because his/her mother’s a goddamn sadist. Is it because regular lullabies weren’t doing the trick? In which case, get some singing lessons then! Hire a fucking mariachi band if you have to! The only thing you’re doing with this Cuco shit is just terrorizing your naïve little child, who only just learned how to control the whole bladder thing, and isn’t really that good at it in stressful situations. And hey, in case the child just happened to forget, Spain renamed one of the main characters on Sesame Street to Coco, like some friggin homage. Ridiculous.

4) The Abu Rigl Maslukha

It looks like this, except alot less admirable.

Say hello to the Egyptian boogeyman, the Abu Rigl Maslukha, or, for you more non-Egyptian speaking fools out there, the Man With Burnt Leg. Yeah. Let’s just soak in the fact that the super-hardcore badass Egyptian’s scariest nightmare is a cripple. Apparently, Egyptian parents tell their children the story of the Man With Burnt Leg (who I will from now on refer to as ‘Stubby’) in order to get them to behave, and follow their orders. This is because apart from being a twisted scary excuse to cry in public, Stubby is also a cautionary tale. Apparently, as a child, Stubby didn’t listen to his parents, which somehow caused him to light his leg on fire. Now remember, these people lived in the friggin DESERT, the most exciting thing they had in their lives were rocks, and whatever they could make with them. How in the hell Stubby managed to get into so much shit with rocks that his own leg ignited into flame, is beyond me. For some reason this caused him to be pissed off at literally everybody else, which may have something to do with the fact that (and I’m just guessing here), when young Stubby was rolling around in the sand screaming for somebody to help, the rest of his friends and family were too busy being rock hard and emotionless to care. Anyway, he now carries some vendetta against little children who don’t listen, so he carries them home, then just straight up starts cooking and eating them. There is of course a silver lining behind all this leg burning and child eating- the fact that Stubby is able to cook proves that while the fire definitely ruined his life, it did not keep him from doing what he loves. And that’s what being a winner is all about.

            3) The Sack Man

When you think about it, everybody is really going as The Sack Man. And it's HORRIBLE.

This one is especially scary, mostly because it’s believed to have inspired just about every other Boogeyman myth in Europe, not to mention that fact that, oh yea, it’s f-ing REAL. With a name that already makes it sound like some sort of Euro-pedophile, the Sack Man is this guy who spends his nights walking around town, finding disobedient children, and then just shoving them into the sack he carries with him, so he can take them god-knows-where. And unlike other boogeymen, the Sack Man isn’t just some rogue monster that children should be scared of because even their parents can’t seem to control it, no, the Sack Man is, in most places, a psychotic murderer that’s been accepted by the society around him, so much so, that parents actually fucking HAND kids over to him. Like, for example, if you don’t want to eat your soup, sucks, because the Sack Man’ll be happy to have some when he comes over to shove you in his child-bag, and replace you with some awesome kid who’s respectful, and nice, and goes ape-shit for soup. Now remember what I said earlier- this is based off fact. But that’s crazy right? The idea that any society would be cool with some guy just coming and picking up their kid, and taking them away in his evil man-purse/satchel of pure twisted darkness. Well guess what, the idea wasn’t so crazy for 16^th 17^th century Eastern Europe, who had an actual bag-man who’s job it was to find orphan babies, stuff them in his sack, or basket, and then carry them with him while he did his rounds, looking for other motherless and fatherless babies, before he dropped them off at the orphanage. Of course, if you know anything about babies, they’re like little people with bones made of glass and skin made of that shitty tracing paper used in art class. So after being jostled around in a bag slung over some dudes shoulders for a couple hours, they were pretty much dead by the time they reached the orphanage. So yea, even a pedophile might have been better than the alternative.

            2) The New Jersey Devil

Myth Debunked: It's just Sarah Jessica Parker on a trip to Jersey. Duh.

Now the scary thing about the Jersey devil isn’t necessarily the creature itself, but the effect it seems to have on those around it. It makes them stupid. The creature has some legend behind it that has something to do with its mother being a witch who preached to Satan, and asked ol’ Beelzebub for a child, and Satan, being a massive troll, instead gave her some sort of horned, winged, horse looking thing, which before the Witch (ugh) could even properly name (I think she wanted to call it Lucas or something), flew off into the Pine Barrens, to go fuck up some poor deer. When it comes right down to it, it’s the chupacabra for the North East, the difference being that the second anybody catches word of it in the news, literally everybody loses their shit. Take for example the week of January 16-23, 1909, when not one person, not two people, , but actual HUNDREDS of people accounted reports of the Jersey Devil. The newspapers dubbed it Phenomenal Week, and instead of treating it like the silly little hoax that it clearly was, people went nucking futs, schools were closed, workers stayed home, a goddamn church house was set on fire in one case, all this because, in most cases, one person said he saw something, or some goddamn footprints showed up in the snow. Then in 1960, some more spooky animal tracks were found around Mays Landing, which prompted some merchants in Camden to pool their money together and offer a $10,000 reward for the capture for the Jersey Devil. They also offered to build a private zoo for the creature if it was captured, which after the money they’d laid down just to catch the damn thing, I imagine looked a lot like a cardboard box with ‘Jersey Devil’ written across it in Sharpie. Now before you go crazy laughing at those simple people, going wild over such trivial, silly things, over-exaggerating the most minute details to the point of insanity, just remember- Rebecca Black. Yeah.

            1) Der Schwarze Mann

It really isn't helping that this is the only picture I could find of it on google.

The German boogeyman is Der Schwarze Mann, or, when properly translated, the black man. It was apparently created before any German had even heard of the African race, but that doesn’t matter, because the scariest thing to Germans is black people. There is even a game for German children centered around this exotic creature, called ‘Who is Afraid of the Black Man?’ I should probs say now that ‘Schwarz’ isn’t referring to the skin, just the monster’s pension for hiding in black, or dark, places. This does not change the fact that Germany is still, and always will be, That Guy. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it, now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be getting back to playing Batman and laughing at Germany for continuing to fuck up at proving they’re not just one big nation of jerks.

The History of Clowns

I had a friend who was a clown.

When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

-Steven Wright

            I should not really have to explain why clowns were my first choice for my “Scariest Shit Known to Man,” themed October essays, and I wouldn’t, except if I don’t, then this essay would be way too short to submit. Also, I’m a total sadist, and enjoy the idea of you missing out on another night of sleep because you had to wake your mom up at one in the morning, just to help clean your sheets, now soaked with pee (and RAW FEAR). But to contradict myself, I’m also here to hopefully relieve some of the fears and misconceptions you may have held about those men and women who dedicate their lives to mastering the clowning arts, for example, the idea that all clowns are serial killers is preposterous. Their entire job is to make you laugh! Gruesomely murdering you is about as far from their job description as they can get, it’s like if a banker, a person who’s entire job it is too protect your money, and keep it safe, just started frivolously spending it without your permission! Preposterous! So you see, just like bankers, and all those associated with banking and economic protection in general, clowns only heartlessly destroy the lives of innocent, random people, some of the time. Then again, clowns might not be the greatest idea in the first place, which I say on account of the fact that apparently, clowns were first invented by the Ancient Greeks. Remember those guys; the ones who I explicitly said should just stick to math and philosophy? Well I guess they got bored with that, and created the theatre, where orators would recount famous tales and legends to the people, and men would go on stage and make fools out of themselves for comedy.

Hey, beats watching Leno.

Now, y’all know I hate to judge, but if a clown’s entire point is to be ridiculous looking, then I’m not sure exactly how he could have looked anything but normal in front of an audience of Ancient Greeks. I’ve gone over this before, I love the Greeks, they were the first civilization, but it’s just things like the fact that they basically never took baths, yet they all wore towels around themselves, which just makes it hard for me to take them seriously (also they all looked homeless). Apparently, the Greek clown's role consisted of playing the foolish secondary character in plays, or the humorous parody of a famous serious character. Oh yea and they also were supposed to throw nuts at the audience. So clowns back then were a lot like today except, y'know, we throw shit at them, instead of the other way around. Still, while clowning originated in Greece, people believe that many empires invented the idea of a funny idiot on their own, empires like China, who had jesters performing in their courts since 1818 BC, as well as the Aztec empire, the Roman empire, certain tribes of Native Americans, heck, evidence has even risen up that a sort of pygmy clown was present in the court of Egyptian pharaoh Dadkeri-Assi, the real marvel being that the Egyptians actually laughed at something, instead of just looking at it stoically, before crushing it under their feet.

No, I do not know why the chicken crossed the road, I live in the DESERT.

Despite usually being horribly disfigured, or having unattractive physical characteristics (which is clearly hilarious, and something to be openly mocked by the public), many clowns throughout time have played integral parts in important events and conflicts, twisting and shaping history like the balloon animals of which they are so fond. For example, around 300 BC, when Chinese Emperor Shih Huang-Ti, tired of having his country invaded by the freaking Mongols all the time, came up with the brilliant, tactical solution to build a huge-ass wall around his country, it was his jester, Yu Sze who finally spoke up when he thought the whole plan was going a little too far. See, ‘cus just building the wall cost hundreds upon hundreds, upon HUNDREDS of lives, and apparently, after it was all done, the Emperor decided that there was no point in keeping out the Mongol hordes if they had to look bad to do it, and wanted the whole wall painted, which would have cost another couple of thousands of lives to do. Everyone in his court realized this, but apparently everyone in his court was also suffering from a severe case of tiny ball-sack syndrome, everyone that is except for Yu Sze, who was the only one to listen to this whole ‘painting the wall’ garbage, and call the Emperor out on his shit. Using his natural classiness, and affinity for humor, he managed to convince the Emperor to realize that he was acting like a five-star jackass, an act that left him remembered as one of the most famous Chinese heroes, Yu Sze, the man who saved thousands of peasants from killing themselves unnecessarily decorating the world’s largest and most obnoxious cock-block (that can be seen from space).

Still, a couple decorative flowers here and there wouldn't have hurt.

Sze perfectly exemplified the role of the jester in the court for almost all of the world, he was there to entertain the king, but because he lied somewhere in between royalty and peasantry, he was granted certain privileges not allowed to even the highest ranking dukes and lords, such as complete (well, mostly complete) free speech, allowed the jester to shift the king’s opinions and decisions on many important subjects, affecting entire nations at a time. It also allowed them the privilege to kind of just fuck with people, like famous European jester, Nasir Ed Din. In one of his many stories, Nasir’s king had just looked in a mirror, and once he finally got a look at how old and saggy he was, he kind of just started crying, proving that no, not all old dudes are as shit-stompingly bad-ass as Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino (and real life). In a pretty unsettling coincidence, this king’s court was also completely made up of men with very miniscule nuts, so when they saw the king crying, they all just started crying too. So after this entire room of grown men crying like schoolgirls had finally dried their tears with their tampons or whatever, they all started looking around and noticed that the jester, Nasir Ed Din was still bawling his eyes out. The King asked why he was still going at it, Nasir looked right at him, and said “Sire, you looked at yourself in the mirror for but a moment and you cried. I have to look at you all the time.” At which point, one of the earls present yelled out “BOOM! ROASTED!” and mirthful bro-slaps were given all around.

You're mom's pretty ugly too. No offense bro.

Admittedly, Nasir got away with shit like that because, in case you hadn’t noticed, his King wasn’t exactly the “OFF WITH HIS HEAD,” type; he was more like the Dean Pelton from Community type, in that he probs dressed like a woman when he thought he could get away with it. But seriously, when it came right down to it, a jester’s main duty was to entertain their king, but the second shit got personal, you could bet your ass that all the smarmy wit in the world wasn’t going to save him from the chopping block, the agonizing stress of which may have been one of the many reasons why after the middle ages started to fade, and the renaissance started to flourish, clowns started to get… creepy. I am talking about, of course, the Italian Harlequin, or Arlecchino, who first appeared in the Divine Comedy, which in case you haven’t heard of it, I’ll sum up for you right now, is the story of some dick trying to earn redemption by pulling a Christmas Carol type scenario IN HELL. So yea, the Harlequin didn’t exactly have the best start to begin with (I mean Satan’s a dick-hole, but at least he started in heaven), and didn’t really resurface until the famous Commedia dell’Arte, a famous series of shows starring famous literary characters, that followed a formula that’s popular even today, of three characters, the first Zany, who was a clever servant that plotted against his masters, the second Zany, who was just his shit-for-brains henchman, and the third Zany, who was the token hot chick. Surprisingly, the Harlequin was at first cast as the second Zany, but as time progressed, and different writers wrote stories starring the characters, the second Zany went from being the fool (or the tool, if you will), to a smart, sly, acrobat, who wore a black or white mask, and was known mostly as a Pantomime character, which is like if you took a mime (already pretty freaky on its own), and mixed it with one of those creepy Goth-Twilight kids, basically resulting in Tim Burton’s black and white colored wet dream.

This clown was also known to partner with the new French clown, the Pierrot, who had the famous ruffled white collar, colorful clothes, and exaggerated face make-up, like the painted on smile, which would provide annoying avant-garde college students something else to talk about over their overpriced lattes (FUUUUCK, YES, OF COURSE ALL CLOWNS ARE SAD, THAT’S WHY THEY’RE NOT WORKING WITH YOUR DAD AT HIS BIG WALLSTREET ACCOUNTING FIRM, PAYING FOR THEIR OWN KIDS TO GO TO COLLEGE AND MAJOR IN LIBERAL FUCKING ARTS, NOW SHUT UP). The Pierrot, or white-face clown, became one of the most iconic clowning symbols in the world, especially after the birth of the circus industry in 1768, where Philip Astley toured around with his troupe of fellow entertainers. Philip is credited as the first circus clown because of his historic (at least in clown terms) act, of attempting to mount a horse, but comically failing each time, which has amused audiences back from when riding horses was cool, to now, when riding horses sucks (all the nut-crushing discomfort of riding a bike, with the added knowledge that what your riding probably hates you, and is waiting for you to slip up so it can fucking kick you to death in the face). And so the circus was born, many more popping up all over, becoming especially popular in America, where circuses would travel with carnivals from state to state during the 20^th century, helping kids experience what it meant to grow up, while at the same time scarring them forever.

"Now kids, in court they're going to use this doll to ask where I touched you, and you'll say..."

Many agree that it was American pop-culture and entertainment that turned clowns into the frightening figures we see them as today, with movies like Stephen King’s It, Stephen Chiodo’s Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and the fucked up crazy serial killer John Wayne Gacy. Gacy was famous for assaulting and murdering at least 33 young boys, and became known as the “Killer Clown,” because of how, when he wasn’t being a complete psychopathic monster, he would attend charity events and birthday parties as a clown for entertainment. It is because of men like him, and many other nightmare-fueling clown characters, that there is actually a medical diagnosis for the fear of clowns, called coulrophobia, as well as a wet spot in the sheets of millions of kids all over the world who have recently attended a circus, called piss. Thankfully, as we all know, this isn’t the first time the United States of AMUHRICA has dropped the ball, and while they could never really clean up the mess, they did their best to remedy it for the people it affected. They’re called rodeo clowns, and they’re AWESOME.

All he can think right now is how much he wanted to be a lawyer.

Basically, men will capture feral clowns from the wild, then force them into a ring with one or more pissed off and totally killer bulls, and gather an audience to watch as the clown runs for its life from 400 to 500 pounds of pent up rage and muscle. It’s like back in the Roman era, when Christians were captured and put in the Coliseum to fight off lions and tigers and shit, y’know, back in the good old days? So hey, that’s about all you need to know. Yes, clowns are scary like accidentally saying the ‘N’ word at a Black Pride rally, but they weren’t always that way, in fact, they used to be pretty chill. And besides, in today’s modern world, we have ways of dealing with clowns, so you don’t have to be so afraid. They’re called police and guns, use them as often as possible, whenever possible.

http://jujubeetheclown.com/clown_history.htm

http://www.allaboutclowns.com/history.html

http://www.clown-ministry.com/index_1.php/articles/history_of_clowning_from_the_ancient_pharaohs_to_the_modern_day_by_bruce_jo/