It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia- Frank's Pretty Woman Review

I’m gonna make that whore my wife.

-Frank Reynolds

 

            Aaah Sunny. I waited all summer for you to come back. I built a friggin widows perch in front of my TV just waiting. But I have to admit, as I looked out into the mysterious darkness of the TV screen, sighing, wishing we could be together again, I thought of last season. Of all the seasons. So many seasons of straight up laugh your balls off hilarity, how could any TV show, even you, keep it up? Even the most professional porn star can’t keep it up forever. This was what I was most afraid of when preparing for the season premier, but the second the title card came on, ‘Frank’s Pretty Woman,’ I knew you hadn’t lost your touch. The episode revolves around Frank’s new ‘girlfriend,’ so to speak (she’s really a dirty whore [and no, she’s not a nice lady]), as well as Mac’s newly acquired ‘mass,’ (he’s fifty pounds overweight, wearing Tommy Bahama shirts, and carrying around a Hefty garbage bag of chimichangas), and Dennis’ fear that in the ‘second acts’ of their lives, the gang is becoming “the gross crew.” And so the gang splits up into pairs, and set about on missions of self improvement, which from the Sunny gang, is like a guy trying to get a healthy meal at McDonalds (those salads are considered lethal weapons in some countries). Dee goes with the whore, Roxie, to try and clean her up, and pull a ‘Pretty Woman’ on her, Dennis goes with Mac to try and get him to clean himself up, and lose some weight like Dennis, and Charlie tries to help out Frank, attempting to find him a girl who’ll like him for more than his money (in his own borderline retarded Charlie fashion).

Dee and Roxie’s story might be my favorite, as Dee quickly finds herself emulating the dirty crack-whore when Roxie manages to put one of the many, many clothing store workers to give Dee trouble because of her companions, in his place, with a fist-sized wad of twenty-dollar bills, the sight of which is enough to make Dee think of Roxie as living “a glamorous lifestyle.” She’s also swayed when she finds out one of Roxie’s clients is Tiger Woods (Some say that joke is dead by now, but nobody knows how to kick a dead horse quite like Sunny), only to be dismayed when she finds out that ‘Tiger’ is actually just an impersonator, the same guy who impersonated McNab (is that how you spell it? I have literally no clue, I’m don’t really watch that footyball game) in the Eagles episode. Dee quickly bounces back though when she finds out he’s willing to pay her just to rub her feet (“I’m gonna be a foot-girl!”). 

Dennis and Mac also have a pretty interesting story, with both finding out just how unhealthy they are, Mac having type two “dyabeetus,” and Dennis having multiple other problems, more than likely brought on by his anorexic diet of no lunch, and sometimes not even any breakfast (“No pain no gain!”). To correct this, Dennis accepts Mac’s help in showing him how to let himself go, culminating in them chowing down over an excessive amount of chimichangas, while Mac injects himself with shots insulin, and Dennis talks about going to find some crack. 

Despite all this, Charlie and Frank’s story takes the cake for all out ridiculousness- Charlie’s plan to find Frank a girl is to pose as a rich Texas tycoon on an online dating site, with Frank as his limo driver. Then, during the date, he’ll pretend to be sick, and have the girl continue the date with Frank, so she’ll fall in love with Frank even though he’s not rich. I know there a girls out there who will do crazy things for the promise of money, and the girl who accepted the date surely went through the worst trials of this, only to come out of it covered in puke and blood, and a head full of bad memories. Let me explain. Apparently before the date, Charlie had taken a whole lot of pills, meant to make him cough up a little blood. Instead, while trying to talk up Frank, and his business of finding eggs and crabs under the bridges of Philadelphia, he ended up spewing blood like a fire hydrant from his mouth, covering his screaming date in his bile, not only ending the date, but possibly rupturing my spleen from laughter. Enraged by this turn of events (the fact that the woman left, not the fact that Charlie just emptied possibly one third of his body’s worth of blood onto her), Frank proclaims what has been evident in the series since his character’s introduction, Frank loves eggs, he loves garbage, he loves having sex with dirty whores, and he loves Roxie. 

And so all the asinine story lines are brought together, creating one big insane ending, when Frank calls the gang together to Charlie’s apartment so he can propose to Roxie in front of them (why he wanted to do it in Charlie’s apartment of all places probs has something to do with the previous declaration of his love for filth). Sadly, Roxie had to meet the end that all whores must meet one day, and had to go up to the big dimly lit street corner in the sky, when her crack-overdosed heart finally gives out right after Frank’s proposal. Charlie, covered in blood, dissuades the gang from calling 911, instead agreeing on just laying her body in the hall, but not before Frank gives a heartfelt eulogy to the dead hooker on the filthy, rose-petal covered carpet of Charlie’s apartment. Despite how much I liked this episode, the fact that I had been left cold to one too many of the jokes, this ridiculous scene was more than enough for me to bump this up from a high Dapper, to a low Classy.

Bastion Review

Now here’s a kid whose world got all twisted, leaving him stranded on a rock in the sky

-Narrator

           

            Now admittedly, when I first looked at this game, and this game looked at me, we both said to each other, in our heads, “Yea, pass, doesn’t look so special. Doesn’t even really look like my taste anyway.” But then all our friends told us we’d be great for each other. So we took a second look- tentative at first, of course. Now I personally didn’t have the kind of money in hand to be throwing fifteen Amurrican dollars around willy-nilly, I had to be sure that this game would treat me right. So I waited. I bided my time. And I almost lost her- until I got bored one night and couldn’t find any other games I owned that interested me. So, cash in hand (by which I mean my credit card), I quickly purchased the necessary Microsoft points, and downloaded that shit. So I pressed start, clicked Story, New Game- and fell in love.

Don't worry ladies, we have an open relationship.

Bastion is incredible. Created by WB Interactive Studios and Supergiants Games, it is such a fun game, with a very neat and cool design to it. You play as ‘The Kid,’ a white haired young man who wakes up surrounded by the ruins of his dead home city, which was apparently destroyed by a thing called, ‘The Calamity.’ What makes the game even more interesting is the fact that your entire story, every little action you take, is narrated by a voice, who you meet later in the game, when you arrive at ‘The Bastion.’ The Bastion is the last refuge of peace in the torn and destroyed world, and the purpose of the game is to collect enough crystals and shards to make it operational. Collecting these crystals also adds a thick RPG element to the game, as the crystals allow you to build things on the Bastion, things like an armory, a distillery, a memorial, and more, all things that have the expressed purpose of helping you level up in the game. Along your journey you will of course run into enemies, who you defeat with weapons like your hammer, or repeater gun, or other weapons you find in the game. I found the weapons to be one of my favorite parts overall, as they fit so well in with the game’s Fantasy-Western vibe, and I thought the fact that you could level them up was veeerry cool, giving them special effects, that would later come into play when you had to decide which weapon combination you were going to use for each mission (my favorite combination was the War Machete and the Scrap Musket).

That fat blue thing in front of me? I RAPED IT with my hammer.

I also thought the voice-acting by Logan Cunningham was absolutely phenomenal, grade-A if I do say so myself. I can’t say I believe the game would have been HALF as good if he hadn’t been narrating you every step of the way (something I wish he would do for me in real life, though of course, I’m not half as bad-ass as The Kid, so it probs wouldn’t sound as cool) The music was also top-notch, especially the eerie yet soothing melody of Zia’s Theme, otherwise known as Build That Wall. Literally the first thing I did after finishing Bastion that night was go on iTunes and buy the shit out of that song, which I’m pretty sure I now want played at my funeral (sorry Take on Me, you can be played at my 70^th birthday if I live that long). The song was also perfect for the story, which outlines heavy elements of the dangers of war, of striking out of fear, and retaliating out of anger, even when you may not understand the situation at hand. It did it in a way I hadn’t seen a good story do before, and in a way that I felt was truly fitting considering I played it the night before Septemeber 11^th (I’m not sure if that was the story was truly trying to get across, but whether it was or wasn’t, absolutely brilliant). The game’s design was also very memorable, and I enjoyed it a lot, the game’s mechanic where the path in front of you appears as you progress forward making me feel a little dizzy at first, though I grew accustomed to it quickly, barely even noticing it by the end. This game, even though it’s only an Xbox arcade game, has so much to offer, with so many side-challenges and quests, that if you loved just playing the game as much as I did, you’ll have a hard time putting it down, even after the credits roll. I give this game a high Classy, recommending it to anybody who wants to get an exceptionally thought provoking, fun, and interesting game, that is well worth their fifteen dollars.

The History of Disney

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

-Walt Disney

Fans of the site may know that the entire purpose of these essays is to hopefully make tears shoot out of your face like cheap sprinklers, and ruthlessly smash dreams like if the sandman took steroids and got pissed one night. But for this essay, Imma talk about my polar opposite in every way (except in exceptional classiness), one man who decided to take his talents, his business savvy, and his overall non-creepy paternal love for all children (as long as they’re not minorities), and build dreams. And then whore them out for profit (that’s where the business savvy comes in, of course).

"Oh what's the Mickey? You DON'T have my money? WELL GET BACK OUT THERE!"

 I am  talking about Mr. Walt Elias Disney, born December 5, 1901, and since his childhood was literally the exact same childhood of every other child living in that time (his father went to California in search of gold, didn’t find any, stayed out west and bought a farm, Bob Loblaw… [Sorry couldn’t help it]), I’m just gonna go ahead and skip past all that to the part where his brother Roy Disney bought land in Marceline, Missouri when Walt was four. That was where Walt ultimately grew up and developed his talents for drawing at his summer job. No, not doodling penises (peni?) on napkins while serving food at McDonalds, just a little creepier. His neighbor, retired doctor “Doc” Sherwood had this young boy come to his home, where he would pay him to draw pictures of Sherwood’s horse, Rupert. If this doesn’t already come off as pretty damn weird to you, remember the fact that he paid this VERY young child to draw these pictures in a time when money was kinda tight (twenty years away from the Great Depression tight), meaning ultimately he was paying this kid daily what you pay Netflix monthly (and we all know how people feel about that), just to draw his friggin horse (so in a way, yes, peni were drawn). Anyway, time progressed, and Walt grew up, eventually moving to Chicago, where he became the cartoonist for his school’s newspaper. Walt dropped out soon after though at the age of sixteen, so he could join the US army to fight in WWI. Which he was too young for.

Well... shit.

 Sooo apparently the reason that he didn’t think to check the age limits for the army BEFORE he went ahead and just straight up dropped out of public education was because he was so jazzed up at the idea of fighting for America, or it was for the same reason he was the cartoonist for the newspaper instead of a writer (I’m implying he’s stupid). Not one to go back on his word, Walt instead joined the Red-Cross, driving ambulances in France until 1919, when he moved back to Kansas. Unable to find good work (apparently he was worse at drawing cartoons for newspaper than writing articles), he ended up accepting his brother Roy’s help again, who got him a temporary job at Pesmen-Rubin Art Studio, where he ended up meeting a man with a sillier name than him, cartoonist Ubbe Iwerks (Word 2003 just put two red squiggly lines under both of those words and I do not blame it at all). Anyway, bonded by their mutually hilarious monikers, when their time at Pesmen-Rubin ended, they decided to start their own studio, and so was born Iwerks-Disney Commercial Artists. But come on, this is Disney here, as soon as he started the company he left to go work for Kansas City Film Ad Company, leaving Iwerks to just go, “WTF man? What in the hell just happened?” It was at Kansas City that Disney gained his love for animation, and with positive influence from his boss, AV Cauger, he started reading up on it. He then decided his boss was an idiot and shouldn’t have been using cutouts for animation, cel was where it was at baby.

Fuck yea.

So once again, he made friends with a co-worker, Fred Harmon, and left the studio to go make his own (AGAIN), with Harmon as his first employee. They became very famous in the Kansas area for their self-titled Laugh-O-Grams (I know, it sounds like birthday messages from clowns), and then subsequently went bankrupt a few years later. Disney, deciding he was tired of fucking around in Kansas, the worlds most boring sandbox, grabbed his brother Roy, and moved on up to Hollywood, California, to make it big in that ‘ol entertainment biz (which they actually had a chance at since neither of them were interested in mainlining coke, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN HOLLYWOOD EVER). Walt really wanted to distribute his ‘Alice Comedies,’ the short animations he had based off of Alice in Wonderland, that everybody else in Kansas had basically told him was garbage. But just like Walt had never finished High School, and never found a business he could run successfully, Walt never took the hint, which was pretty lucky, since it meant that he would then form his own studio in Hollywood to distribute it, and so was born Walt Disney Brothers Studios. Walt managed to talk people into coming over from Kansas to Hollywood to help him with the show, including his old business partner who had so far been screwed by Walt’s failures in business twice, Mr. Ubbe Iwerks (who must’ve had a serious bromance for the guy). Sadly, his bro-love would go unrequited as in 1925, just two years after the formation of the studio in 1923; Walt hired a young woman, one Lillian Bounds, to ink and paint celluloid. He promptly commenced with tapping that ass, and soon the two were wed. It was in fact Lillian who might have influenced the future of Walt Disney Studios the most, as it was Lillian who, when Walt was trying to figure out a name for his new mouse cartoon character, told him to name the little guy Mickey, instead of (ew) Mortimer. Which reminds me, you may be wondering how Walt ever ended up even making Mickey Mouse. Well, it’s a long story, full of betrayal, greed, love, and sex. Well not sex, technically, unless you count the copious amounts of love making between Walt and the lovely missus Lillian Disney. I do.

Mr. Disney, you have a fine taste in women sir.

Anyway, it was near the end of the Alice Comedies that Walt was interested in branching out towards a different cartoon character, this time of his own original creation. For some reason he chose a rabbit, who he coined, Oswald (seriously, where was Lillian when he needed her, right?). The character was actually drawn by good old Iwerks, who continued working with Walt, drawing about 26 more of the ‘Oswald the Lucky Rabbit’ cartoons (which sounds like Lucky Charms and Trix cereals ill-fated imaginary 80’s Saturday morning TV show), until Walt made the infamous decision to try and earn some more money off of Oswald. Disney made a plea to the Mrs. Margaret J. Winkler, the woman who was distributing Disney’s cartoons through Universal, but when Walt finally brought her attention to Oswald, and she saw how successful it was, she basically got two giant money signs in her eyes, and told Disney, in the most polite way possible, she was gonna steal the fuck outta that Rabbit. And since Oswald was technically Universal Studios property, she totally could, and did, giving it to her husband Charles Mintz, to distribute instead. Charles then went ahead and stole all of Disney’s best animators and cartoonists, leaving only one behind- and yes, you guessed right- Ubbe Iwerks, the creator of Oswald. Walt understandably felt like punching Mintz in the dick, but instead just had to wallow in self pity. Which he totally didn’t (bitch, he’s DISNEY). Instead, he tried creating another character, a certain MOUSE character, and the rest is history… which I will continue to explain. Making sure this time that he owned very single character he created, Walt and Iwerks made another series of cartoons starring Mickey, their third one being the most famous, as it had synchronized sound, a new invention at the time. It was called ‘Steamboat Willie,’ and despite the slightly homo-erotic name, the cartoon was anything but.

Awww yea Mickey, you shake that ass.

 It was so famous that it was actually presented in B.S. Moss’s Colony Theatre in New York City on November 18, 1928; now know by its more familiar moniker, THE BROAD-FUCKING-WAY THEATRE. The instant success of the first couple Mickey Mouse cartoons inspired the creation of even more ‘Silly Symphonies,’ which played all over America, with even more iconic characters showing up in them over time, including Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, and Retard McDownsyndrome, or as he was later titled to be more ‘politically-correct,’ Goofy (every group needs a Zoidberg). Walt felt like Disney Studios could handle an even bigger project though, so, using all their assets, Walt began production on the first fully animated Sound and Screen motion picture, in 1934. All kinds of new tech was used to make the film, so that when it was finally released, it was literally proclaimed as one of the greatest movies of all time- and no, Disney did not release ‘300’ in 1937. I’m talking about Walt Disney’s Snow White, which was a lot like Avatar today, in the sense that nobody had any idea how the animation used in the film could have been made to look so real, and so beautiful, and everybody liked the story because it was unoriginal, and hadn’t actually been written by the creators of the movie. And if you think all that success was just because tech was so primitive back then, if those people got a look at the shit we could do just on our laptops with a Flash Program, they wouldn’t give two stinky shits about fucking Snow White, then prepare to be brutally mind fucked. The film has been re-released, usually in company down times, in 1952, ‘58, ‘67, ‘75, ‘83, ‘87, and ‘93, and still netted at least in the tens of millions each time, literally shaming any other movie that had the balls to be released in the same week, and couldn’t make as much dough as Snow White.

I'm gonna straight-up rape you in the box-office.

Walt would continue to ride of this success all the way into WWII, when this time, instead of just up and quitting everything for no logical reason (again), he decided to help the troops overseas by entertaining the families back home. Walt released many movies at the time including Pinocchio, Fantasia, Dumbo, and Bambi, but what earned him copious amounts of fame and well-wishers at the time were his propaganda cartoons, which delighted and amused thousands, for some reason. I mean, I know there’s a difference in time periods, but fucking seriously, there’s an episode where Donald play a goddamn NAZI. He hails the fume-here (get it? Because Hitler stinks?) and everything, they even make it pretty funny. Post-war, Disney’s success continued, with him making even more movies, and cartoons, soon becoming one of the richest, most respected men in Hollywood, if not the world. But what Walt was most excited about though, was the creation of a project he’d had in his good old fancy-schmancy imagination ever since he was a kid (don’t worry, it had nothing to do with the horse peni). That’s why in 1954, Walt unveiled an idea that would become paramount to the company’s future, and seriously, was, and is, the exact same dream of literally every single child anywhere, an entire theme park, named after HIM. FUCKING DISNEYWORLD.

This castle is like the Washington Monument for dreams.

Needless to say, when he showed off his designs for the project, everyone involved literally orgasm-ed at once, and set about to making sure that going to Disneyworld even once would be the experience of a lifetime, like the death of a loved one, except happy, and not depressing and shit. Opened to the public on July 17, 1955, the park had a shaky start, but after just one visit from Ronald Reagan, aka the most interesting man in the world’s long lost brother (probably), shit got booming. Another probable reason the park ended up so successful, the reason Walt wanted to make it, was out of pure fucking jealousy of his two kids. He said that whenever he took his two kids to carnivals and amusement parks, he was always pissed when they got to have the time of their bitchy little lives going on merry-go-rounds and such, when he had to sit on the fucking bench, like a world class tool. So he wanted to make an amusement park where adults could have just as much fun as the kids, and if he could get PAID for it, we-he-he-hail shoot, he was gonna do it by golly! Disneyworld grew and grew, with more chapters of it appearing around the country and eventually the world) as time progressed, Walt’s dream finally coming to fruition. Sadly, the stars that shine brightest die the fastest, or at least die after they’ve created an entertainment empire dedicated simply to how awesome imagination and dreams are. On December 15, 1966, Walt Disney passed away, just two years after his crowning achievement, Mary Poppins. His death was like when Gandalf died protecting everybody in the Fellowship. His death was like when Dumbledore died at the hands of Severus Snape (I’m not putting fucking spoilers, if you haven’t read Harry Potter Six by now, you’re probably illiterate, in which case you can’t understand this and you smell like poo so there). Fucking men cried tears at his funeral. God himself sent Jesus to high five him on his way into heaven. Which reminds me- Walt Disney might not have actually made it into heaven. Yea, sorry about that, but there’s some pretty heavy evidence that Walt, in all honesty, was more racist and homophobic than even some of his close friends could handle. And if you don’t believe me, just check out a little thing called ‘Song of the South,’ Disney’s middle finger to black people. Oh, and by the way, Disney also apparently didn’t really care for the jews that much either, he just hated Hitler because, seriosuly, fuck Hitler, go AMUHRICA! Yes, the man had some pretty hardcore faults, and while I won’t go so far as to call any one of them redeemable, the man’s legend, and passion, and overall love for the world (as long as there weren’t any minorities in it) still made him the kind of man millions of people still owe their childhoods too today. And after he died, I’m sorry to say this, but the Disney Company was never the same again. After that, it was all business, and while some of the movies they made are very good, none are on par with the exceptional classiness of the Walt-era cartoons, which still go down in the annals of entertainment history today.

LOVE ME.

Links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Disney_theatrical_feature_films

http://corporate.disney.go.com/corporate/complete_history_3.html

http://studioservices.go.com/disneystudios/history.html

Sadly, I've run a little late on my current in-production essay. This is unacceptable. I am extremely sorry to all those who have spent their idle time refreshing the page on my site, hoping, just hoping, that soon some new essay would show it's face. To make up for this tragedy in the only way I possibly can now, I have decided to post this picture to you all, in the hopes that by the time my new essay is finally finished, all will be forgiven.

Pictured here: The Classiest fucking people ALIVE.

The History of Venice

            The city of Venice has a long history, with many traditions and cultural statements that resonate even today, that is to say, to many people throughout time, it has meant one thing, in many ways.

 It is recognized worldwide as the city of romance- this is true to the older generation, who know Venice as what the God of Honeymoons and Perfect Marriage Spots sharted into the sea one day, and it is also true to the younger generation, who know Venice as that one cool city in Assassins Creed 2 where Ezio almost got his nut off with that one hot thief chick. But when read between the lines, and taken a closer look at, it is very clear that Venice might as well be Italian for Transformer, ‘cus it’s waaaaay more than meets the eye- I’m sorry but Venice is a dick. It’s good looking, breath-taking, charming, and if it were a guy in a bar, ladies, within an hour of meeting him, you’d doink him. Plain and simple.

Awww yea, The City of Canals has got GAME!

 But enjoy it while it lasts, because next morning you’d wake up and find out not only did Venice leave, but he actually left you the still wrapped condom he said he used last night right next to your pillow in bed. Because Venice just does shit like that. Venice the city (not the imaginary bar-hopping Bradley Cooper-looking playa we were just imagining) has a history of stealing important artifacts (and then displaying them in huge public places for everyone to see), starting huge international wars (for money and profit), and basically telling the whole world that it could suck a fat one, with a grin on it’s imaginary face, and a hand on it’s imaginary crotch. It wasn’t always like this, mind you- in fact its origins are actually rather tragic and admirable. Back in the year 568, a bunch of barbarian dickheads called the Lombards had decided that they were bored of sitting around in the forests smacking gofers with clubs and hucking spears at wild boars, so, like any other group of rational dickheads, they decided to just start invading Italy. The first little city on their path to… well nothing really, there was no real goal to it all; they kinda just wanted to invade Italy, but anyway the first city they wanted to take over was a nice purty little Christian town called Aquileia, loved by many on account of the fact that it was founded by St. Mark, and it’s name sounded like a refreshing commercial water bottling company. The residents however were no match for the Germanic barbarians, and since nobody in the history of the world besides maybe the Nazis has ever wanted to be ruled by Germans, the townsfolk grabbed their stuff and hauled ass the fuck up outta there. They roamed the world for a bit, until they found a nice little fishing island called Torcello and decided they were officially home sweet home. These people were the founders of Venice, and were essentially like Anne Frank, if Anne Frank had escaped the Nazis, and later on in life, turned into kiiind of a bitch.

OW! Now I really don't feel bad about reading your diary!

Not that many years later though, in about 584, the eastern part of the coast where Torcello was located were still in the greasy, dirty hands of the Byzantine- and that’s not racist, their empire is dead, it’s like making fun disco. And the Byzantines decided they needed defense against the Lombards too, so the islands of Torcello were grouped into a defensive arrangement known as the exarchate of Ravenna. Still, as our plucky refugees slowly begin to realize, with the northern mainland separating them from the Byzantine, there was very little way they could be controlled, let alone policed, so they were kinda forced to fend for themselves, and in that way started thinking of themselves as independent. So, as always, time progressed, and Venice grew, starting out on its little island, and then spreading out by building bridges connecting to other small islands. These islands were usually inhabited with other refugees who’d been kicked to the curb by the Lombards, so they were easily integrated into the growing island community. Plus, the big-ass Cathedral the guys set up on Torcello in 639 didn’t exactly hurt either. Their reputation grew more and more in the surrounding area, until eventually they started trying to get into the trading game. That’s where the canals come up- through a lot of hard work, the people began the process of de-silting the waterways so that trade and communication vessels could pass through. Now that they were all together, the new multi-island community discovered that, as fate would have it, they were all kind of pissed at the Byzantine for trying to use them as effing shields to ward off the Lombards. Deciding to give the Byzantine the ultimate political middle finger, the people elected their own leader called the doge, in 726, to rule over their new nation of Venezia, or Venice for you uncultured fools out there.

And they made the wise choice of electing Spider-man's Aunt May.

Now this wasn’t the first time Venice had elected its own leader, this was just the first time they’d done it as an independent nation, their hubris and arrogance pissing off the emperor of the Byzantine so much he just about shit a brick. He quickly dispatches his forces to Venice, but due to the citizens bravery, courage, collected strength, and belief in what they were fighting for- independence- the fight was quickly decided. Yeah the Venetians lost. I mean what did you exactly expect, these guys were wimps! Literally every citizen there was, or was a descendant of a refugee, a person who ran away from a fight. And the refugees in question were running away from fucking barbarians, if they lost to a bunch of dumb barbarians how in the hell could they expect to win against an actual trained army? Nah, as always through history, and I almost hate to keep saying it, THE JOCKS BEAT THE NERDS. Obviously. The Byzantine ruled Venice with complete power until 751 when exarchate of Ravenna fell, and by then Byzantine just kind of decided either Venice had probably chilled out by now, or they really didn’t matter that much anymore, so they were given independent power, while still legally kept as subjects of the Byzantine. So the nerds got to go to class unharmed everyday as long as they remembered to cough up the lunch money every morning before school. That’s not to say that Venice was crippled, oh no, in fact, their duty as middlemen of the Byzantine Empire actually brought them much commerce and influence, making them much more wealthy, and much more powerful. And once again, when Venice gets a little sway, it starts thinking its hot shit, as always, and decides, hey, fuck the Byzantine. Only this time, they weren’t so interested in making a huge, sweeping, honorable statement, in as much as just completely effing the Byzantine right up the rear hole- you know how it goes. When the nerds can’t fight their own battles, what do they do? They just get another bully to fight their bully for them. That’s why when the son of Charlemagne (who, I’ll admit, I actually thought was a horse, but is apparently an actual person), Pepin, starts campaigning all up in northeast Italy in 809, the doge makes an alliance with him. Once the Byzantine hear about this, they understandably get pretty pissed not just at Venice, but for this guy, the ruler of the new nation Carolingian (the new kid in school), trying to mosey in on THEIR punching bag! Venice stays out of the whole confrontation, getting the two great empires to effectively beat the shit out of each other, until not only did Venice claim its independence during the writing of the treaty, but it made a killing off of the money exchanged during the war for the soldiers and weapons they provided to both sides. In the perfect spot for trade, and with more money than ever, Venice begins its career as a powerful, successful nation. Aaaand then turns into a humongous dick.

The original guidos actually came from Venice.

 In 828, Venice manages to smuggle the super religious bones of St. Mark out of Egypt (like stealing candy from baby Jesus), bringing them back to Venice and flaunting them all over, on account of the fact that this now gives Venice a very large foothold in the catholic world. They then build a huger cathedral to St. Mark, naming him the patron of Venice. That’s like a drug dealer who goes to the club flaunting his bling he bought after selling huge amounts of crack to inner city children. Dethpicable. And then, because apparently the universe doesn’t care who’s good or bad, it just f-ing loves irony, in 1071 the Normans arrive to the Italian coast, kicking all kinds of ass, and driving out many nations from their seaports, including the Byzantines. Now powerless, and in need of help, they turned to their old whipping boy, Venice, offering the city free trade between the two empires, including the huge added bonus that Venice wouldn’t even be liable for dues and customs. So, Venice, being the most greatest naval power in the whole wide world at the time, promptly demolished the Normans, and made Byzantine trade their bitch. I mean seriously, by this time, the city’s ego was bigger and uglier than Hulk Hogan, and it was really only a matter of time until they pissed somebody off too much- and that somebody was Genoa (and his best friend Pisa). See, Venice wasn’t the only Italian city state to get a piece of that sweet Jerusalem treasure, Genoa and Pisa actually came out way ahead of Venice due to the fact that they had formed a strong alliance, fighting the war together, and splitting the spoils evenly. By the end of the war, Genoa and Venice were neck and neck, and remained that way for a very longtime, all three nations competing for dominance of the naval trade world. Still, the world advanced, and Venice had other things to worry about. For example, around the 12^th century, all of Italy started taking up the communal city idea, just like Venice had always done. Except Venice, in it’s most hipster-esque act ever, decided that since everybody else was doing it, it wasn’t cool no more, so Venice set up some complicated rules to it’s doge gov’t, making up things like the council of 10, an exclusive hierarchy of families to run the city along with the doge, basically just to make sure everybody saw that Venice’s gov’t setup was waaay better than the catholic papacy (which sucked).

Venetians also had a passion for ironic beards.

But no matter how good their gov’t was (it was pretty good apparently, it lasted longer than any other gov’t of the time), as the old saying goes, you can’t polish a turd. And the turd known as Venice was rarin’ up to just about shit all over errrverybody AND I MEAN ERRRVERYBODY. The fourth crusades were beginning, and all Europe was getting ready to ship off, planning to use Venice as the dock point where the naval ships could leave from. The arrangement is that approximately 4500 European knights and their horses, 9000 squires to serve them, and 20,000 foot soldiers, as well as whole ass-load of food to feed them all, would depart from Venice with ships provided by the city, that would be escorted by about fifty galleys to Egypt. In return, Venice would get paid a big ‘ol mess of cash, as well half the lands the crusaders conquer by the end of the war. Venice had gotten a pretty fucking sweet deal. And that’s why they secretly went to the Egyptians, who were supposed to be invaded by the crusaders, and worked out a deal with them that not a single one of the crusader ships would reach the shores of Egypt. Why, you may be asking yourself? Because Venice needed Egypt, it was a main trade point for Venice, and besides that, they had some other shit they needed settled. And luckily enough for them, the crusaders worked into their plans perfectly, because when the day of departure arrived, it turned out that the crusaders hadn’t been able to raise the cash to pay Venice, so Venice, being a dick, basically told them that they would still honor their side of the agreement, but the crusaders would have to pay off the city by doing a few favors for them. For starters, the crusaders would have to forget about Egypt for the time being, their first mission was instead to go to the recently stolen and Hungarian seized import city of Zadar, and tell those Hungarian bitches to take a hike. The crusaders agreed and over the course of five days, promptly tore the Hungarians a new asshole. Sadly, they had reached the city too late in the year, so they had to make winter camp their, and delay their departure to Egypt even longer. But Venice had no plans to let them go yet. After the three months, when the crusaders were totally rarin’ to get to their destination, and enforce Christian beliefs on those heathen sand monkeys, Venice showed up and totally cock-blocked ‘em, telling them that instead they had to go to the city of Constantinople, overrun it, and install their emperor friend Alexius to the crown, so he could work the city for Venice.

Yea, this is pretty much what they thought the Jerusalites looked like.

The crusaders were pissed, but realized a deals a deal, and being the European Middle Ages version of Seal Team Six, had Constantinople conquered in ONE MONTH. They were then ordered to stay there until Alexius raised the funds to pay off Venice which… didn’t exactly happen. After nine months of waiting to get their money, the enormous pimp city that is Venice decided it had had enough, and told the crusaders to once again overtake the city, and install some nice, trustworthy Latin ruler instead of the useless ho’ Alexius. Which, AMAZINGLY, they totally did. Also, Venice stole countless works of art during the crusades, including their most famous pillage, the four bronze horse of St. Marks. Why are they called St. Marks? Because when they got to Venice, the first thing they did with them was decorate St. Marks cathedral with them, putting them in not just a place people could see them, but a popular spot, so EVERYONE could see them.

 

Venice wasn’t just blatant about its ass-holery, it was f-ing proud of it! After that, Venice goeas through many interesting years, where they mostly get what was coming to them for a while, that is to say, God decides he doesn’t give a shit how many people love Venice, ‘cus Venice sucks! Venice goes through not one but TWO (count ‘em DUEX!) huge plagues that kill thousands in the streets, naval trade side-lining, political subterfuge, and defeat at the hands of not only the freaking pope, but (and COME ON!) the wimpy-ass FRENCH. Venice is then tossed around a bit between the French and the Austrians, until Italy finally claims it, making it part of the united kingdom of Italy in 1866. Still, for all its irredeemable, scum-baggy, low-down, no-good, dirty-rotten actions, Venice is still one of the most respected and cultured cities in the world today. Which kind of just goes to show that, when it comes right down to it, there really isn’t any way that a human female could turn down sex from Bradley Cooper.

That's one sexy city.

 Links to info websites:

http://www.historyworld.net/wrldhis/PlainTextHistories.asp?groupid=426&HistoryID=aa43&gtrack=pthc

http://touritaly.org/tours/venice/venice01.htm

http://www.veniceword.com/vehistory.html