The History of Disney

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

-Walt Disney

Fans of the site may know that the entire purpose of these essays is to hopefully make tears shoot out of your face like cheap sprinklers, and ruthlessly smash dreams like if the sandman took steroids and got pissed one night. But for this essay, Imma talk about my polar opposite in every way (except in exceptional classiness), one man who decided to take his talents, his business savvy, and his overall non-creepy paternal love for all children (as long as they’re not minorities), and build dreams. And then whore them out for profit (that’s where the business savvy comes in, of course).

"Oh what's the Mickey? You DON'T have my money? WELL GET BACK OUT THERE!"

 I am  talking about Mr. Walt Elias Disney, born December 5, 1901, and since his childhood was literally the exact same childhood of every other child living in that time (his father went to California in search of gold, didn’t find any, stayed out west and bought a farm, Bob Loblaw… [Sorry couldn’t help it]), I’m just gonna go ahead and skip past all that to the part where his brother Roy Disney bought land in Marceline, Missouri when Walt was four. That was where Walt ultimately grew up and developed his talents for drawing at his summer job. No, not doodling penises (peni?) on napkins while serving food at McDonalds, just a little creepier. His neighbor, retired doctor “Doc” Sherwood had this young boy come to his home, where he would pay him to draw pictures of Sherwood’s horse, Rupert. If this doesn’t already come off as pretty damn weird to you, remember the fact that he paid this VERY young child to draw these pictures in a time when money was kinda tight (twenty years away from the Great Depression tight), meaning ultimately he was paying this kid daily what you pay Netflix monthly (and we all know how people feel about that), just to draw his friggin horse (so in a way, yes, peni were drawn). Anyway, time progressed, and Walt grew up, eventually moving to Chicago, where he became the cartoonist for his school’s newspaper. Walt dropped out soon after though at the age of sixteen, so he could join the US army to fight in WWI. Which he was too young for.

Well... shit.

 Sooo apparently the reason that he didn’t think to check the age limits for the army BEFORE he went ahead and just straight up dropped out of public education was because he was so jazzed up at the idea of fighting for America, or it was for the same reason he was the cartoonist for the newspaper instead of a writer (I’m implying he’s stupid). Not one to go back on his word, Walt instead joined the Red-Cross, driving ambulances in France until 1919, when he moved back to Kansas. Unable to find good work (apparently he was worse at drawing cartoons for newspaper than writing articles), he ended up accepting his brother Roy’s help again, who got him a temporary job at Pesmen-Rubin Art Studio, where he ended up meeting a man with a sillier name than him, cartoonist Ubbe Iwerks (Word 2003 just put two red squiggly lines under both of those words and I do not blame it at all). Anyway, bonded by their mutually hilarious monikers, when their time at Pesmen-Rubin ended, they decided to start their own studio, and so was born Iwerks-Disney Commercial Artists. But come on, this is Disney here, as soon as he started the company he left to go work for Kansas City Film Ad Company, leaving Iwerks to just go, “WTF man? What in the hell just happened?” It was at Kansas City that Disney gained his love for animation, and with positive influence from his boss, AV Cauger, he started reading up on it. He then decided his boss was an idiot and shouldn’t have been using cutouts for animation, cel was where it was at baby.

Fuck yea.

So once again, he made friends with a co-worker, Fred Harmon, and left the studio to go make his own (AGAIN), with Harmon as his first employee. They became very famous in the Kansas area for their self-titled Laugh-O-Grams (I know, it sounds like birthday messages from clowns), and then subsequently went bankrupt a few years later. Disney, deciding he was tired of fucking around in Kansas, the worlds most boring sandbox, grabbed his brother Roy, and moved on up to Hollywood, California, to make it big in that ‘ol entertainment biz (which they actually had a chance at since neither of them were interested in mainlining coke, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN HOLLYWOOD EVER). Walt really wanted to distribute his ‘Alice Comedies,’ the short animations he had based off of Alice in Wonderland, that everybody else in Kansas had basically told him was garbage. But just like Walt had never finished High School, and never found a business he could run successfully, Walt never took the hint, which was pretty lucky, since it meant that he would then form his own studio in Hollywood to distribute it, and so was born Walt Disney Brothers Studios. Walt managed to talk people into coming over from Kansas to Hollywood to help him with the show, including his old business partner who had so far been screwed by Walt’s failures in business twice, Mr. Ubbe Iwerks (who must’ve had a serious bromance for the guy). Sadly, his bro-love would go unrequited as in 1925, just two years after the formation of the studio in 1923; Walt hired a young woman, one Lillian Bounds, to ink and paint celluloid. He promptly commenced with tapping that ass, and soon the two were wed. It was in fact Lillian who might have influenced the future of Walt Disney Studios the most, as it was Lillian who, when Walt was trying to figure out a name for his new mouse cartoon character, told him to name the little guy Mickey, instead of (ew) Mortimer. Which reminds me, you may be wondering how Walt ever ended up even making Mickey Mouse. Well, it’s a long story, full of betrayal, greed, love, and sex. Well not sex, technically, unless you count the copious amounts of love making between Walt and the lovely missus Lillian Disney. I do.

Mr. Disney, you have a fine taste in women sir.

Anyway, it was near the end of the Alice Comedies that Walt was interested in branching out towards a different cartoon character, this time of his own original creation. For some reason he chose a rabbit, who he coined, Oswald (seriously, where was Lillian when he needed her, right?). The character was actually drawn by good old Iwerks, who continued working with Walt, drawing about 26 more of the ‘Oswald the Lucky Rabbit’ cartoons (which sounds like Lucky Charms and Trix cereals ill-fated imaginary 80’s Saturday morning TV show), until Walt made the infamous decision to try and earn some more money off of Oswald. Disney made a plea to the Mrs. Margaret J. Winkler, the woman who was distributing Disney’s cartoons through Universal, but when Walt finally brought her attention to Oswald, and she saw how successful it was, she basically got two giant money signs in her eyes, and told Disney, in the most polite way possible, she was gonna steal the fuck outta that Rabbit. And since Oswald was technically Universal Studios property, she totally could, and did, giving it to her husband Charles Mintz, to distribute instead. Charles then went ahead and stole all of Disney’s best animators and cartoonists, leaving only one behind- and yes, you guessed right- Ubbe Iwerks, the creator of Oswald. Walt understandably felt like punching Mintz in the dick, but instead just had to wallow in self pity. Which he totally didn’t (bitch, he’s DISNEY). Instead, he tried creating another character, a certain MOUSE character, and the rest is history… which I will continue to explain. Making sure this time that he owned very single character he created, Walt and Iwerks made another series of cartoons starring Mickey, their third one being the most famous, as it had synchronized sound, a new invention at the time. It was called ‘Steamboat Willie,’ and despite the slightly homo-erotic name, the cartoon was anything but.

Awww yea Mickey, you shake that ass.

 It was so famous that it was actually presented in B.S. Moss’s Colony Theatre in New York City on November 18, 1928; now know by its more familiar moniker, THE BROAD-FUCKING-WAY THEATRE. The instant success of the first couple Mickey Mouse cartoons inspired the creation of even more ‘Silly Symphonies,’ which played all over America, with even more iconic characters showing up in them over time, including Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, and Retard McDownsyndrome, or as he was later titled to be more ‘politically-correct,’ Goofy (every group needs a Zoidberg). Walt felt like Disney Studios could handle an even bigger project though, so, using all their assets, Walt began production on the first fully animated Sound and Screen motion picture, in 1934. All kinds of new tech was used to make the film, so that when it was finally released, it was literally proclaimed as one of the greatest movies of all time- and no, Disney did not release ‘300’ in 1937. I’m talking about Walt Disney’s Snow White, which was a lot like Avatar today, in the sense that nobody had any idea how the animation used in the film could have been made to look so real, and so beautiful, and everybody liked the story because it was unoriginal, and hadn’t actually been written by the creators of the movie. And if you think all that success was just because tech was so primitive back then, if those people got a look at the shit we could do just on our laptops with a Flash Program, they wouldn’t give two stinky shits about fucking Snow White, then prepare to be brutally mind fucked. The film has been re-released, usually in company down times, in 1952, ‘58, ‘67, ‘75, ‘83, ‘87, and ‘93, and still netted at least in the tens of millions each time, literally shaming any other movie that had the balls to be released in the same week, and couldn’t make as much dough as Snow White.

I'm gonna straight-up rape you in the box-office.

Walt would continue to ride of this success all the way into WWII, when this time, instead of just up and quitting everything for no logical reason (again), he decided to help the troops overseas by entertaining the families back home. Walt released many movies at the time including Pinocchio, Fantasia, Dumbo, and Bambi, but what earned him copious amounts of fame and well-wishers at the time were his propaganda cartoons, which delighted and amused thousands, for some reason. I mean, I know there’s a difference in time periods, but fucking seriously, there’s an episode where Donald play a goddamn NAZI. He hails the fume-here (get it? Because Hitler stinks?) and everything, they even make it pretty funny. Post-war, Disney’s success continued, with him making even more movies, and cartoons, soon becoming one of the richest, most respected men in Hollywood, if not the world. But what Walt was most excited about though, was the creation of a project he’d had in his good old fancy-schmancy imagination ever since he was a kid (don’t worry, it had nothing to do with the horse peni). That’s why in 1954, Walt unveiled an idea that would become paramount to the company’s future, and seriously, was, and is, the exact same dream of literally every single child anywhere, an entire theme park, named after HIM. FUCKING DISNEYWORLD.

This castle is like the Washington Monument for dreams.

Needless to say, when he showed off his designs for the project, everyone involved literally orgasm-ed at once, and set about to making sure that going to Disneyworld even once would be the experience of a lifetime, like the death of a loved one, except happy, and not depressing and shit. Opened to the public on July 17, 1955, the park had a shaky start, but after just one visit from Ronald Reagan, aka the most interesting man in the world’s long lost brother (probably), shit got booming. Another probable reason the park ended up so successful, the reason Walt wanted to make it, was out of pure fucking jealousy of his two kids. He said that whenever he took his two kids to carnivals and amusement parks, he was always pissed when they got to have the time of their bitchy little lives going on merry-go-rounds and such, when he had to sit on the fucking bench, like a world class tool. So he wanted to make an amusement park where adults could have just as much fun as the kids, and if he could get PAID for it, we-he-he-hail shoot, he was gonna do it by golly! Disneyworld grew and grew, with more chapters of it appearing around the country and eventually the world) as time progressed, Walt’s dream finally coming to fruition. Sadly, the stars that shine brightest die the fastest, or at least die after they’ve created an entertainment empire dedicated simply to how awesome imagination and dreams are. On December 15, 1966, Walt Disney passed away, just two years after his crowning achievement, Mary Poppins. His death was like when Gandalf died protecting everybody in the Fellowship. His death was like when Dumbledore died at the hands of Severus Snape (I’m not putting fucking spoilers, if you haven’t read Harry Potter Six by now, you’re probably illiterate, in which case you can’t understand this and you smell like poo so there). Fucking men cried tears at his funeral. God himself sent Jesus to high five him on his way into heaven. Which reminds me- Walt Disney might not have actually made it into heaven. Yea, sorry about that, but there’s some pretty heavy evidence that Walt, in all honesty, was more racist and homophobic than even some of his close friends could handle. And if you don’t believe me, just check out a little thing called ‘Song of the South,’ Disney’s middle finger to black people. Oh, and by the way, Disney also apparently didn’t really care for the jews that much either, he just hated Hitler because, seriosuly, fuck Hitler, go AMUHRICA! Yes, the man had some pretty hardcore faults, and while I won’t go so far as to call any one of them redeemable, the man’s legend, and passion, and overall love for the world (as long as there weren’t any minorities in it) still made him the kind of man millions of people still owe their childhoods too today. And after he died, I’m sorry to say this, but the Disney Company was never the same again. After that, it was all business, and while some of the movies they made are very good, none are on par with the exceptional classiness of the Walt-era cartoons, which still go down in the annals of entertainment history today.

LOVE ME.

Links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Disney_theatrical_feature_films

http://corporate.disney.go.com/corporate/complete_history_3.html

http://studioservices.go.com/disneystudios/history.html

Sadly, I've run a little late on my current in-production essay. This is unacceptable. I am extremely sorry to all those who have spent their idle time refreshing the page on my site, hoping, just hoping, that soon some new essay would show it's face. To make up for this tragedy in the only way I possibly can now, I have decided to post this picture to you all, in the hopes that by the time my new essay is finally finished, all will be forgiven.

Pictured here: The Classiest fucking people ALIVE.

The History of Venice

            The city of Venice has a long history, with many traditions and cultural statements that resonate even today, that is to say, to many people throughout time, it has meant one thing, in many ways.

 It is recognized worldwide as the city of romance- this is true to the older generation, who know Venice as what the God of Honeymoons and Perfect Marriage Spots sharted into the sea one day, and it is also true to the younger generation, who know Venice as that one cool city in Assassins Creed 2 where Ezio almost got his nut off with that one hot thief chick. But when read between the lines, and taken a closer look at, it is very clear that Venice might as well be Italian for Transformer, ‘cus it’s waaaaay more than meets the eye- I’m sorry but Venice is a dick. It’s good looking, breath-taking, charming, and if it were a guy in a bar, ladies, within an hour of meeting him, you’d doink him. Plain and simple.

Awww yea, The City of Canals has got GAME!

 But enjoy it while it lasts, because next morning you’d wake up and find out not only did Venice leave, but he actually left you the still wrapped condom he said he used last night right next to your pillow in bed. Because Venice just does shit like that. Venice the city (not the imaginary bar-hopping Bradley Cooper-looking playa we were just imagining) has a history of stealing important artifacts (and then displaying them in huge public places for everyone to see), starting huge international wars (for money and profit), and basically telling the whole world that it could suck a fat one, with a grin on it’s imaginary face, and a hand on it’s imaginary crotch. It wasn’t always like this, mind you- in fact its origins are actually rather tragic and admirable. Back in the year 568, a bunch of barbarian dickheads called the Lombards had decided that they were bored of sitting around in the forests smacking gofers with clubs and hucking spears at wild boars, so, like any other group of rational dickheads, they decided to just start invading Italy. The first little city on their path to… well nothing really, there was no real goal to it all; they kinda just wanted to invade Italy, but anyway the first city they wanted to take over was a nice purty little Christian town called Aquileia, loved by many on account of the fact that it was founded by St. Mark, and it’s name sounded like a refreshing commercial water bottling company. The residents however were no match for the Germanic barbarians, and since nobody in the history of the world besides maybe the Nazis has ever wanted to be ruled by Germans, the townsfolk grabbed their stuff and hauled ass the fuck up outta there. They roamed the world for a bit, until they found a nice little fishing island called Torcello and decided they were officially home sweet home. These people were the founders of Venice, and were essentially like Anne Frank, if Anne Frank had escaped the Nazis, and later on in life, turned into kiiind of a bitch.

OW! Now I really don't feel bad about reading your diary!

Not that many years later though, in about 584, the eastern part of the coast where Torcello was located were still in the greasy, dirty hands of the Byzantine- and that’s not racist, their empire is dead, it’s like making fun disco. And the Byzantines decided they needed defense against the Lombards too, so the islands of Torcello were grouped into a defensive arrangement known as the exarchate of Ravenna. Still, as our plucky refugees slowly begin to realize, with the northern mainland separating them from the Byzantine, there was very little way they could be controlled, let alone policed, so they were kinda forced to fend for themselves, and in that way started thinking of themselves as independent. So, as always, time progressed, and Venice grew, starting out on its little island, and then spreading out by building bridges connecting to other small islands. These islands were usually inhabited with other refugees who’d been kicked to the curb by the Lombards, so they were easily integrated into the growing island community. Plus, the big-ass Cathedral the guys set up on Torcello in 639 didn’t exactly hurt either. Their reputation grew more and more in the surrounding area, until eventually they started trying to get into the trading game. That’s where the canals come up- through a lot of hard work, the people began the process of de-silting the waterways so that trade and communication vessels could pass through. Now that they were all together, the new multi-island community discovered that, as fate would have it, they were all kind of pissed at the Byzantine for trying to use them as effing shields to ward off the Lombards. Deciding to give the Byzantine the ultimate political middle finger, the people elected their own leader called the doge, in 726, to rule over their new nation of Venezia, or Venice for you uncultured fools out there.

And they made the wise choice of electing Spider-man's Aunt May.

Now this wasn’t the first time Venice had elected its own leader, this was just the first time they’d done it as an independent nation, their hubris and arrogance pissing off the emperor of the Byzantine so much he just about shit a brick. He quickly dispatches his forces to Venice, but due to the citizens bravery, courage, collected strength, and belief in what they were fighting for- independence- the fight was quickly decided. Yeah the Venetians lost. I mean what did you exactly expect, these guys were wimps! Literally every citizen there was, or was a descendant of a refugee, a person who ran away from a fight. And the refugees in question were running away from fucking barbarians, if they lost to a bunch of dumb barbarians how in the hell could they expect to win against an actual trained army? Nah, as always through history, and I almost hate to keep saying it, THE JOCKS BEAT THE NERDS. Obviously. The Byzantine ruled Venice with complete power until 751 when exarchate of Ravenna fell, and by then Byzantine just kind of decided either Venice had probably chilled out by now, or they really didn’t matter that much anymore, so they were given independent power, while still legally kept as subjects of the Byzantine. So the nerds got to go to class unharmed everyday as long as they remembered to cough up the lunch money every morning before school. That’s not to say that Venice was crippled, oh no, in fact, their duty as middlemen of the Byzantine Empire actually brought them much commerce and influence, making them much more wealthy, and much more powerful. And once again, when Venice gets a little sway, it starts thinking its hot shit, as always, and decides, hey, fuck the Byzantine. Only this time, they weren’t so interested in making a huge, sweeping, honorable statement, in as much as just completely effing the Byzantine right up the rear hole- you know how it goes. When the nerds can’t fight their own battles, what do they do? They just get another bully to fight their bully for them. That’s why when the son of Charlemagne (who, I’ll admit, I actually thought was a horse, but is apparently an actual person), Pepin, starts campaigning all up in northeast Italy in 809, the doge makes an alliance with him. Once the Byzantine hear about this, they understandably get pretty pissed not just at Venice, but for this guy, the ruler of the new nation Carolingian (the new kid in school), trying to mosey in on THEIR punching bag! Venice stays out of the whole confrontation, getting the two great empires to effectively beat the shit out of each other, until not only did Venice claim its independence during the writing of the treaty, but it made a killing off of the money exchanged during the war for the soldiers and weapons they provided to both sides. In the perfect spot for trade, and with more money than ever, Venice begins its career as a powerful, successful nation. Aaaand then turns into a humongous dick.

The original guidos actually came from Venice.

 In 828, Venice manages to smuggle the super religious bones of St. Mark out of Egypt (like stealing candy from baby Jesus), bringing them back to Venice and flaunting them all over, on account of the fact that this now gives Venice a very large foothold in the catholic world. They then build a huger cathedral to St. Mark, naming him the patron of Venice. That’s like a drug dealer who goes to the club flaunting his bling he bought after selling huge amounts of crack to inner city children. Dethpicable. And then, because apparently the universe doesn’t care who’s good or bad, it just f-ing loves irony, in 1071 the Normans arrive to the Italian coast, kicking all kinds of ass, and driving out many nations from their seaports, including the Byzantines. Now powerless, and in need of help, they turned to their old whipping boy, Venice, offering the city free trade between the two empires, including the huge added bonus that Venice wouldn’t even be liable for dues and customs. So, Venice, being the most greatest naval power in the whole wide world at the time, promptly demolished the Normans, and made Byzantine trade their bitch. I mean seriously, by this time, the city’s ego was bigger and uglier than Hulk Hogan, and it was really only a matter of time until they pissed somebody off too much- and that somebody was Genoa (and his best friend Pisa). See, Venice wasn’t the only Italian city state to get a piece of that sweet Jerusalem treasure, Genoa and Pisa actually came out way ahead of Venice due to the fact that they had formed a strong alliance, fighting the war together, and splitting the spoils evenly. By the end of the war, Genoa and Venice were neck and neck, and remained that way for a very longtime, all three nations competing for dominance of the naval trade world. Still, the world advanced, and Venice had other things to worry about. For example, around the 12^th century, all of Italy started taking up the communal city idea, just like Venice had always done. Except Venice, in it’s most hipster-esque act ever, decided that since everybody else was doing it, it wasn’t cool no more, so Venice set up some complicated rules to it’s doge gov’t, making up things like the council of 10, an exclusive hierarchy of families to run the city along with the doge, basically just to make sure everybody saw that Venice’s gov’t setup was waaay better than the catholic papacy (which sucked).

Venetians also had a passion for ironic beards.

But no matter how good their gov’t was (it was pretty good apparently, it lasted longer than any other gov’t of the time), as the old saying goes, you can’t polish a turd. And the turd known as Venice was rarin’ up to just about shit all over errrverybody AND I MEAN ERRRVERYBODY. The fourth crusades were beginning, and all Europe was getting ready to ship off, planning to use Venice as the dock point where the naval ships could leave from. The arrangement is that approximately 4500 European knights and their horses, 9000 squires to serve them, and 20,000 foot soldiers, as well as whole ass-load of food to feed them all, would depart from Venice with ships provided by the city, that would be escorted by about fifty galleys to Egypt. In return, Venice would get paid a big ‘ol mess of cash, as well half the lands the crusaders conquer by the end of the war. Venice had gotten a pretty fucking sweet deal. And that’s why they secretly went to the Egyptians, who were supposed to be invaded by the crusaders, and worked out a deal with them that not a single one of the crusader ships would reach the shores of Egypt. Why, you may be asking yourself? Because Venice needed Egypt, it was a main trade point for Venice, and besides that, they had some other shit they needed settled. And luckily enough for them, the crusaders worked into their plans perfectly, because when the day of departure arrived, it turned out that the crusaders hadn’t been able to raise the cash to pay Venice, so Venice, being a dick, basically told them that they would still honor their side of the agreement, but the crusaders would have to pay off the city by doing a few favors for them. For starters, the crusaders would have to forget about Egypt for the time being, their first mission was instead to go to the recently stolen and Hungarian seized import city of Zadar, and tell those Hungarian bitches to take a hike. The crusaders agreed and over the course of five days, promptly tore the Hungarians a new asshole. Sadly, they had reached the city too late in the year, so they had to make winter camp their, and delay their departure to Egypt even longer. But Venice had no plans to let them go yet. After the three months, when the crusaders were totally rarin’ to get to their destination, and enforce Christian beliefs on those heathen sand monkeys, Venice showed up and totally cock-blocked ‘em, telling them that instead they had to go to the city of Constantinople, overrun it, and install their emperor friend Alexius to the crown, so he could work the city for Venice.

Yea, this is pretty much what they thought the Jerusalites looked like.

The crusaders were pissed, but realized a deals a deal, and being the European Middle Ages version of Seal Team Six, had Constantinople conquered in ONE MONTH. They were then ordered to stay there until Alexius raised the funds to pay off Venice which… didn’t exactly happen. After nine months of waiting to get their money, the enormous pimp city that is Venice decided it had had enough, and told the crusaders to once again overtake the city, and install some nice, trustworthy Latin ruler instead of the useless ho’ Alexius. Which, AMAZINGLY, they totally did. Also, Venice stole countless works of art during the crusades, including their most famous pillage, the four bronze horse of St. Marks. Why are they called St. Marks? Because when they got to Venice, the first thing they did with them was decorate St. Marks cathedral with them, putting them in not just a place people could see them, but a popular spot, so EVERYONE could see them.

 

Venice wasn’t just blatant about its ass-holery, it was f-ing proud of it! After that, Venice goeas through many interesting years, where they mostly get what was coming to them for a while, that is to say, God decides he doesn’t give a shit how many people love Venice, ‘cus Venice sucks! Venice goes through not one but TWO (count ‘em DUEX!) huge plagues that kill thousands in the streets, naval trade side-lining, political subterfuge, and defeat at the hands of not only the freaking pope, but (and COME ON!) the wimpy-ass FRENCH. Venice is then tossed around a bit between the French and the Austrians, until Italy finally claims it, making it part of the united kingdom of Italy in 1866. Still, for all its irredeemable, scum-baggy, low-down, no-good, dirty-rotten actions, Venice is still one of the most respected and cultured cities in the world today. Which kind of just goes to show that, when it comes right down to it, there really isn’t any way that a human female could turn down sex from Bradley Cooper.

That's one sexy city.

 Links to info websites:

http://www.historyworld.net/wrldhis/PlainTextHistories.asp?groupid=426&HistoryID=aa43&gtrack=pthc

http://touritaly.org/tours/venice/venice01.htm

http://www.veniceword.com/vehistory.html

The History of Reggae

            The year was 1951; American values were up, and the idea of racial equality was down. White people still believed silly notions, like the idea that the universe revolved around them, and that one bite from a feral black person could change your skin several shades darker every full moon. And down in the Caribbean, God’s proverbial rainbow (or “Sorry guys, hope this makes up for all the other shit that was kinda my bad”) to the African race, people were enjoying the opening of the first Jamaican music recording station, which specialized in a special genre of music, a fusion of European and African folk music, which because of its fruity and yet hard staccato sound was named after it’s candy equivalent, ‘mento’ (not really).

These are not music.

 Rhythm n’ Blues music like mento, and many other genres, were becoming increasingly popular in the islands mostly due to the fact that they were the only tunes being played by the, quote, “eccentric,” ‘sound systems,’ basically travelling dance halls run by crrrazy DJ’s, who also created a thing called ‘toasting,’ where they would rhyme words and rhythms with the music being played. Yup. Toasting. Not that ‘rapping’ thingy all those hoodlums down the block are playing, toasting. Let me just take this chance to state what just about everybody should agree with- Jamaicans are the shit. Love those guys. They’re cool enough to create an entire religion based on smoking weed and listening to music, and not turn into annoying hippies who take every goddamn chance to talk about ‘legalizing marijuana.’ Anyway, how, you may be asking, does toasting apply to the advancement and evolution of reggae? Because of the social commentary that came from it stupid, don’t ask me dumb questions. The social commentary that came from toasting and became intertwined into mento music is the whole reason Bob Marley was a-wailing about political and racial freedom and equality, and not how awesome an apple a day is for your diet, yes, even an apple-tini (there’s nothing gay about the truth, the delicious, delicious truth).

Nope.

 And as mento/toasting grew more and more in popularity, more and more people were inspired by the rhythmic pleasure of the tunes, leading one individual, Ken Khouri, to create his own Jamaican record label in 1954, which in turn inspired guys like Reid and Dodge to hire more local artists for their label. With the massive influx in music popularity, artistic advancement was inevitable, and so by the end of the 50’s more and more bands were showing up, ready to pleasure the ear-holes of the music world with Caribbean and New Orleans R&B. And so Jamaica got its own little version of the New Orleans sound with ‘bluebeat’ groups, who usually played instruments like the trumpet, the piano, the trombone, the drums, bass, and my personal favorite, the sax, so named for its legendary ability to cause orgasmic reactions from those who listened to it played by skillful hands (not you. Never you).

Unless you're the President of the United States.

Still, it was the bass that shone above the rest (apparently the Jamaicans were looking for something cool and hip, instead of awesome, and sexually gratifying), and thanks to its heavy involvement, helped the sound evolve into “ska,” so dubbed by it’s creator, Memphist Pianist (just try not to notice the sexual innuendo there, am I right?) Roscoe Gordon, who would regularly play the music at dance halls and jazz clubs all over, or as it is properly referred to, “skanking” (note: that is not a joke. I repeat, THAT IS NOT A JOKE. AND IT IS AWESOME). Many would follow Gordon’s lead, musicians like Theophilus Beckford, who cut the first ska record in 1959, Easy Snapping, and Cecil Campbell, a.k.a. Prince Buster, who owned the sound system “Voice of the People”, and, along with his guitarist Jah Jerry, make ska legend around 1961, playing it in ways that people still praise today. My Boy Lollipop by Millie Small was the first ska record to receive worldwide fame; still, it was The Wailers who received the most recognition for the music today, comprised of the legendary Bob Marley, as well as the also talented Peter Tosh and Bunny Livingston, who in 1963 cranked out Simmer Down, and began a career of creating some of the most mellow music ever heard by mortal ears. But during the ska movement, the real sensation of the time was the ska player (or “skank”), Desmond Dekker, who laid down Israelites in 1968, bringing about the fast paced ska style “poppa-top”, and 007 Shanty Town in 1967, which helped power the mythology of the “rude boy” (don’t ask). Ska music, in its brilliant serene optimism, perfectly matched the feeling of the time, which from the hippie filled music festivals in the US, to the downtrodden ghettos of the islands, encouraged the hope and happiness felt by the people living in the time of peace and wealth, basically like having a family reunion for the first time, and you thankfully finding out that you have a fun and youthful uncle who gives you presents, and occasionally slips you alcohol, instead of the creepy, just out of prison uncle, who has a thin and unnaturally sweaty mustache, and slips alcohol into your drinks periodically over the night without your permission.

His eyes- it's like... they follow you...

Still, the sixties did change ska music, especially with the independence of Jamaica in 1962, which while technically a good thing socially, brought on a whole mess of other problems to the people. Ska’s natural relationship to socio-political problems led to it’s mutation into a more angry and bass-beat driven style, termed “rock-steady”, and became especially popular with the delinquent youth, the “rude boys” (the ones who actually cared about stuff, not those dicks who teepeed your house last Halloween for no reason. Assholes). Still, this rock-steady movement helped bring to light the awesomeness of such groups as the Wailers, Paragons, Maytals, Pioneers, Melodians, Heptones, and many other undeniably brilliant ska bands. Oh yea, and if you’re wondering where the reggae bit came from, here’s where: in the birth of the ska movement in the 1960’s, a new style was born, coined reggae due to it’s ragged style, like how we call oranges oranges. Because we’re unoriginal. Anyway, reggae was basically like a mix of ska and rock, where the bass played a heavy part, and switched places with the guitar, which guitar was totally cool with, ‘cus that’s just how reggae works. Mon.

It looks like a hippie threw up on this guitar.

 Sadly, in a shocking turn of events that astounded even yours truly, reggae, it turns out, is not actually from Jamaica. It’s from (spoilers) THE U!S! of A! Yes, so hippies everywhere, you can go back to being annoying, over privileged, and disillusioned, and for those hipsters out there, you can stop liking reggae, and go back to ‘liking’ reggae, making sure to make air quotes with your fingers just so everybody knows that you totally don’t actually like reggae, because it’s totally just like, a product, of, like, the man and stuff. Oh yea, it also has foundations in Africa, but whatever. Anyway, like ska, reggae paved the way for a whole bunch of artists, and because of it’s heavy roots in America, became way more popular there (and therefore everywhere), influenced by many white artists who I’m wa-ha-haaaay to tired to name right now, but if you truly want to understand the ridiculousness of it, then just look up the works of the famous Fredrick Toots (look him up, after of course, you’ve calmed down and stopped ROFL-ing), specifically his reggae masterpiece, the 1968 classic, Do The Reggay, and no, that wasn’t a misspelling, that’s just reggae in cracker-speak (also known in the east as Honkie-nese).

He's the blackest white guy ever.

 Rudolph “Ruddy” Redwood also started recording instrumental versions of reggae hits, the success of which got him a whole dance club, and inspired Duke Reid, now owner of the Trojan label (please don’t think of the condom), who would make two sided records with one side the original music of the record, and the back the instrumental version of the record, which soon errverybody else started doing too, bringing to fame a whole bunch of record engineers, who might not even have been known otherwise. Still, there’s a reason everybody thinks reggae came from Jamaica, and that reason is good old Bob Marley. It’s like how a girl might forget her first time, if her second time was with say, Ryan Reynolds, or Bradley Cooper, or Bill Clinton. It’s just the nature of humanity, when someone awesome shows up, people naturally proclaim him their God above and ride his dick like it’s the merry-go-round. And if anybody deserved to be called God, it’s Bob Marley. If you want an idea of how awesome he was, give Bill Murray insane musical talent and make him black. Now stop imagining and get back to reading this goddamn essay, shit only took me, like, forever to write. Anyway, once white America got a hit of Bob Marley and the Wailers, they just about spit whatever they drinking out of their mouths and smiled, because I promise you, you don’t remember it, but you did it too the first time you heard them, and for good reason. Their collection of albums are currency in some countries, from their classic urban guerilla inspired Rude Boy (’66), to their more Rastafarian and soulful No Woman No Cry (’74), and errrverything in-between. Children have been raised on Bob Marley. Some people have been married with Bob Marley playing. Chances are, some people have died with grins on their faces from Bob Marley. Not only is he the greatest ska player in history (or head skank, as some might refer to him as), but he is the greatest reggae musician EVER. Just try and disagree hater.

He once pulled a girl up a cliff to safety with those dreads.

The History of Ninjas

As Mr. Caffeine of Ubisoft would say if he were writing this essay, let’s go back several hundred years or so ago to feudal Japan, deedily-deedily-deedily-I’m-a-fucking-moron-deedily-dee! Okay, so, the place seems pretty cool right? Pretty chill yea? Let’s just say you’re some big land owner guy’s son, your next in line to inherit that shit, and to top it all off, your old man’s like, 100 or something, he’s gonna kick the bucket any day now. But while you’re life may seem pretty awesome by day, just wait until after dark- nighttime in feudal Japan was worse than f-ing Minecraft on crack. And why was that? Because wimpy little rich kids like you were prime targets for quite probably the scariest mother-fuckers this side of little Tokyo that’s why! I’m talking about them goddamn Ninjas brother. 

He's either a ninja or the youngest Black Panther member ever.

Admittedly, in recent times, they have not been cast in a very realistic, let alone favorable light (pretty ironic for people whose entire way of life was dedicated towards staying out of the light), what with the obvious Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 3 Ninjas, Beverly Hills Ninja, all great movies in their own way, but in no way do they even manage to somewhat capture the horrifying epic-ness of what the real Ninjas were about. First of all, the proper term for ninja is actually shinobi, but really, when a crazy bad-ass masked figure just jumps out of the dark with a super sharp blade that’s probs going straight through your skull, you probably don’t care about anything other than pissing your pants and crying like a little girl. Ninja are so scary, that the Japanese actually believed they descended from some sort of half-man half-bird demon creature, when really, they were just exceptionally terrifying assassins, that formed over time to counter the jocky (yet equally awesome) Samurai, who people all respected, even though a whole bunch of them could be bigger headstrong dickheads than… well… actual jocks I guess. 

HONOR THE WAY OF THE SAMURAI NERRRRRDS!

It is unconfirmed but widely believed this hostile difference between the two warrior classes is actually what inspired the creation of the fantastic film masterpiece, Revenge of the Nerds (look forward to my next essay when I stop playing coy with all the references and just straight up write The History of Revenge of the Nerds). Seriously though, this was not really something to joke about. Imagine your school- okay now give all the jocks swords, and all the nerds amazing cat-like reflexes, assassin training, and super hardcore crazy bladed weaponry. Yea. The only difference is that in your school, the two groups would probably eventually band together to murder the mutual enemy of everyone in the 21^st century- goddamn HIPSTERS. As dicky as everyone was back then in Japan, you didn’t really see any guys out there who were actually big enough pricks to do things ‘ironically’, no, that’s just our generation. Yipee for us. So anyway, ninjas were also known for accepting jobs from just about anyone, unlike the Samurai, who usually worked privately, and were known to be pretty obvious about what they intended to do, because they were all ‘honorable’ or some shit. Now don’t get me wrong, the fable ninja art of ninjutsu also emphasized honor, it just taught to remember there was a difference between being honorable, and acting like a goddamn fool. A prime example being many ninja were actually Samurai before they started hanging out in the shadows and stabbing guys in the spine, and they usually turned to the shinobi lifestyle after something happened while they were Samurai, they were disgraced or something and therefore had to perform the Japanese ritual of seppuku. And no, I’m not talking about the fun little number puzzle game made popular by such delightful enthusiasts and geniuses like Will Shortz, ho ho, no no no, I’m talking about seppuku, which in Japan is basically where, after he’s been disgraced, your average Japanese man will dress up in the ritual robes, get on his knees, and then IMPALE HIMSELF ON HIS OWN SWORD, CUT HIMSELF FROM LEFT TO RIGHT, and after that, he’ll have some dude present to take another sword, AND CHOP OFF THE NOW DISEMBOWLED GUY’S HEAD. Why might he do something like this, you might ask? What would cause a guy to willingly do something like this to himself? He’d been disgraced, which could range from do something like losing to a guy in battle, to forgetting to close the toilet lid after you were finished when you KNEW a woman was present in the house. 

Maybe now you'll remember those goddamn TPS REPORTS BILL!

Yea, and that’s the reason shit got so crazy between US and Japan in WWII, because, as we’ve come to learn, the Japanese are unrivaled in hardcore craziness. Anyway, when a Samurai was told he had to commit seppuku to protect his fucking honor, he basically laughed, said, ‘Screw that!’ and ran off to become a ninja so he could continue to kill the shit out of stuff. Many people called them cowards for stuff like that, but think about it, while some dudes did run off from seppuku because they pussied out, the guys who became ninjas did it because they realized that there were a lot of people in the world, and more importantly a lot of people to kill, so why should they give up on that when A) they were great at killing, and B) not dead? And it’s logic like that that lead to them becoming such a staple-mark in Japanese culture and history. In the early days though, Ninjas didn’t really have any rules. That’s kinda what happens when your entire culture is based off of not being something else (even if that thing is just a douche Samurai), so it wasn’t until some Chinese monks showed up in Japan and taught their warrior ways to the monks and ninjas that the first ninja schools popped and started teaching the now refined ideal of ninjutsu. Before I continue lets just pause for a second yea and take that in- ninja school. There is such a thing as fucking NINJA SCHOOL. 

This is your average class of ninjas. See how many you can spot.

It’s awesome shit like that that really gives me hope in humanity- but that’s for another time I suppose. It all started when this one Samurai named Daisuke Togakure lost in a huge regional battle, so he lost his Samurai title, as well as his sweet ass land- that’s like if America not only didn’t take care of their Vietnam vets, but took their homes and renamed them all Big Loser, and Dumb Fart, and shit like that. Slightly worse than we treat them now. Anyway, so Daisuke was just wandering around in the mountains, pissed off and shit, when he ran into this wandering warrior monk named Kain Doshi. The two developed an instant bromance, and after Daisuke renounced his gay-ass bushido code, the two created the guerilla warrior style of ninjutsu. Daisuke’s kids would go onto make schools teaching this terrifying style, with such classes as How to Creep on Idiots, and How to Make People Crap Their Own Pants in Fear of You, and so on and so forth. The other important part of being a ninja was getting the job done, no matter what the fuck it took to do it. They were like the Postal Service for ass-wuppings- rain or shine, shit was going down, no matter how ‘disgraceful,’ or ‘dishonorable’ their methods were called. Unlike the Samurai, who all dressed in bright colors, and long flowing robes, like they were going to the gay pride parade or something, ninjas dressed in dark colors (usually dark blue- black wasn’t as functional as people like to believe), that could fit to their form, so they could sneak around easier. Ninjas weren’t all guys though- hell naw. Unlike the Samurai, ninjas weren’t interested in a total sausage fest, so they had many women who joined their ranks, but unlike the males, most would dress as seductive dancers and concubines and stuff, so that they could get into strongholds and castles easier, where they would usually end their nights stabbing the horny prince foolish enough to come on to them. Yes, and they also invented the ultimate cock block- get fucking stabbed in the gut. Sadly, while the ninjas arsenal of weaponry did include some pretty kick-ass nut-shriveling terrifying stuff, including swords, bladed staves, and even iron bladed fans (some ‘ol Street Fighter shit), ninjas never actually used throwing stars- no idea who actually came up with them, but damn right?

I guess the technology was just too advanced for them

The ninjas influence in history lasted only a few hundred years, between 1336 and 1600, but in that time accomplished much. Many periods of war existed in that time, with many civil wars, the most famous being the warring states period known as the Onin War, where basically everybody was just duking it out, and Samurai constantly used ninjas to help gain the advantage, which would usually be stolen from them a week later by another ninja, worse yet, the same one in some cases. As the wars faded out though, and the famous warlord daimyo Oda Nobunaga rose to power, he saw the problem with the ninjas, and decided in order to secure his place as massa OG supreme of Japan, they had to go. So he targeted the ninja compounds and strongholds, most notably the popular fortresses at Ida and Koga, wiping out the famous forts, and dealing a heavy blow to the ninjas. They were almost erased from existence, but some continued to survive, and teach ninjutsu to those willing to listen. But in a sad and happy ending, the Edo period finally came, bringing peace to Japan, meaning that the ninja and their ass-kicking ways were no longer necessary. History still remembers them though, their infamous and secretive exploits becoming legend not only to Japan and Asia, but to the World.

Murderers.